The Eight Hundred and Thirty-sixth Night,
Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be not sleeping, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the two women agreed to partnership in iniquity with the youth their stepson. Now on the next day the man went forth and left his house for some pressing occasion and his son followed him till he saw him far distant: then the youth repaired to the two wives and found them both in one chamber. So he asked them, “Why doth not each of you go to her own apartment?” and they answered, “What use is there in that? Let us all be together and take our joy, we and thou.” So he lay between them and began to toy with them and tumble them; and roll over them and mount upon the bubbies of one and thence change seat to the other’s breasts and while so doing all were plunged in the sea of enjoyment.592 But they knew not what lurked for them in the hidden World of the Future. Presently, lo and behold! the father returned and entered the house when none of them expected him or was ware of him; and he heard their play even before he went into the chamber. Here he leant against a side-wall and privily viewed their proceedings and the lewd state they were in; and he allowed time to drag on and espied them at his ease, seeing his son mount the breasts of one woman and then shift seat to the bubbies of his other wife. After noting all this he fared quietly forth the house and sought the Wali complaining of the case; so the Chief of Police took horse and repaired with him to his home where, when the two went in, they found the three at the foulest play. The Wali arrested them one and all and carried them with elbows pinioned to his office. Here he made the youth over to the Linkman who struck his neck, and as for the two women he bade the executioner delay till nightfall and then take them and strangle them and hide their corpses underground. And lastly he commanded the public Crier go about all the city and cry:— “This be the award of high treason.” And men also relate (continued Shahrazad) the
Richard Francis Burton’s translation: detailed table of contents
STORY OF THE TWO LACK-TACTS OF CAIRO AND DAMASCUS.593
Whilome in Cairo-city there was a man famed as a Lack-tact and another in Damascus was celebrated for the like quality. Each had heard of his compeer and longed to forgather with him and sundry folk said to the Syrian, “Verily the Lack-tact of Egypt is sharper than thou and a cleverer physiognomist and more intelligent, and more penetrating, and much better company; also he excelleth thee in debate proving the superiority of his lack of tact.” Whereto the Damascene would reply, “No, by Allah, I am more tasteful in my lack of tact than yon Cairene;” but his people ceased not to bespeak him on this wise until his heart was filled full of their words; so one day of the days he cried, “By Allah, there is no help for it but I fare for Cairo and forgather with her Lack-tact.” Hereupon he journeyed from Damascus and ceased not wayfaring till he reached Cairo. The time was about set of sun and the first who met him on the road was a woman; so he asked her concerning certain of the highways of the city and she answered, “What a Lack-tact thou must be to put such a question at such an hour! Whoso entereth a strange place in the morning enquireth about its highways, but whoso entereth at eventide asketh about its caravanserai594 wherein he may night.” “Sooth thou sayest,” rejoined he, “but my lack of tact hath weakened my wits.” He then sought news of the Khans and they showed him one whereto he repaired and passed the night; and in the morning — And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased saying her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was
The Eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh Night,
Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the Lack-tact of Damascus passed the night in the Wakálah and in the morning he went forth and wandered about the highways of Cairo questing her Lack-tact; and, when they informed him of his rival’s whereabouts, he forgathered with him and was received with an honorable reception and was welcomed and kindly entreated and comfortably seated that the twain might talk over the news of the world. Presently quoth the Lack-tact of Damascus to the Lack-tact of Cairo, “I would that we two test each other’s quality by playing a prank in turn; and whoso shall be preferred by the testimony of the general, he shall lord it over his rival.” The Cairene asked, “Which of us shall begin?” and the Damascene answered, “I,” whereto the other rejoined, “Do whatso thou willest.” So the Syrian went forth and hired him an ass which he drove out of the city to a neighbouring clump of Ausaj-bushes595 and other thorns whereof he cut down a donkey-load, and setting the net-full upon the beast’s back returned to the city. He then made for the Báb al-Nasr,596 but he could not enter for the crowding of the folk frequenting it and the Cairene was gladdened by his doings: so the man stinted not standing there with his ass and load of thorns till morn was near, when he lost his temper and urged his beast close up to the gate. By so doing all the garments of the wayfarers which were caught by the Ausaj-thorns were torn to rags and tatters, and some of the people beat him and others buffetted him and others shoved him about saying, “What a superior Lack-tact thou art! Allah ruin thy natal realm! Thou hast torn folk’s dress to rags and tatters with that load of thorns.” Still he drave his donkey onwards albeit the people cried to him, “O man, withdraw thee, the passengers are all jammed at the gate;” but he would not retire and those present dealt him more blows and abuse. Hereat he only cried, “Let me pass through!” and pushed on whereby he obtained a severer beating. This lasted till mid-afternoon, for he could on nowise enter by reason of the crush at the Báb al-Nasr; but about sundown the crowd thinned and so he drove on his ass and passed the gate. Then quoth to him the Cairene, “What is this thou hast done? This is mere horseplay597 and not lack of tact.” Now on the morning of the next day the Lack-tact of Cairo was required to play his prank even as the Damascene had done; so he rose up and girded his loins and tucked up his sleeves and took up a tray — And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was
The Eight Hundred and Thirty-eighth Night,
Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be not sleeping, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the Egyptian rose up and girded his loins and tucked up his sleeves, and taking him a tray said to the Syrian, “Up and after me and see what I shall do.” Then he went out tray on head, and foregoing the Damascene to a flower-garden he gathered a bundle of blooms and sweet-scented herbs, pinks and roses and basil and pennyroyal598 and marjoram and other such, until the tray was filled, after which he turned to town. About noontide he repaired to one of the Cathedral-mosques and entered the lavatory,599 around which were some fifteen privies:600 so he stood amiddlemost the floor considering the folk as they entered the jakes to do their jobs in private lest the bazar-people come upon them during their easement. And all were sore pressed wan
ting to pass urine or to skite; so whenever a man entered the place in a hurry he would draw the door to. Then the Lack-tact of Cairo would pull the door open, and go in to him carrying a posy of perfumed herbs, and would say, “Thy favour!601 O my brother,” and the man would shout out saying, “Allah ruin thy natal realm, are we at skite or at feast?” whereat all standing there would laugh at him. Suddenly one rushed into the lavatory sore pressed and hanging an arse602 and crying aloud in his grievous distress, “O Allah, O His Prophet, aid me!” for that he feared to let fly in his bag-trousers. Then the Lack-tact would accost him holding in hand his posy of perfumed herbs, and softly saying, “Bismillah-take it, and give me thy favour;” and the man would roar at the top of his voice, “Allah disappoint thee! what a Lack-tact thou art: I am sore pressed; get thee out.” And the further that man would fare away from him the closer he would follow him saying, “Thy favour! Take it! Smell it!” Now at that time all the cabinets of easement were full of people, nor did one remain vacant, and the distressed man stood there expecting someone to issue that he might enter; but in his condition the delay was over-long — And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased saying her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was
The Eight Hundred and Thirty-ninth Night,
Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the Cairene Lack-tact kept bespeaking that sorely distressed man and following him as he fled, crying out to him and saying, “Away from me, am I not this moment about to skite or am I at a feast?” till at last the excess of weight in his arse-gut caused him to let fly in his bag-trousers and bewray all his behind. And during this time none came out of the jakes, so the unhappy sat in his unease and all the folk seeing him conskite himself fell to laughing at him as he sat there, and the Lack-tact of Cairo continued offering him the posy, saying, “Thy favour!” and the other continned shouting his loudest, “Am I at skite or at a feast?” Thereupon the Lack-tact of Damascus turned to his rival and cried, “The Fátihah603 is in thy books, O Chief Joker of Cairo. By Allah (and the Almighty grant thee length of life!) thou hast excelled me in everything, and they truly say that none can surpass or overcome the Cairene and men have agreed to declare that the Syrian winneth his wish and gaineth only blame, while the Egyptian winneth not his wish and gaineth thanks and praise.” And amongst other things it happened604 that a Cairene went to borrow a donkey from another man, a Damascene, wishing to ride it to a wedding, and when he met his friend he saluted him and said, “Ho Such-an-one, lend me thine ass for such a purpose.” Now when the owner of the animal heard these words he smote hand upon hand and cried, “O worshipper of Allah,605 a little while ere thou camest to me, a man urgently asked it of me and took it on loan: haddest thou been somewhat earlier I would have lent it to thee. Verily I am put to shame by thee as thou goest from me without thy need.” The Egyptian said in his mind, “By Allah, this one speaketh sooth, and had the donkey been in his house assuredly he would have lent it to me.” But the owner of the animal said to himself, “Certainly Such-an-one begged it of me, but the rest is a lie, for the beast is shut up in the stable.” However the Syrian who owned the beast went to his gossip, the man who had begged a loan of it, and entering the house salam’d to him and said, “Give me the donkey, O Such-an-one;” — And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was
The Eight Hundred and Fortieth Night,
Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the Syrian went to his gossip saying, “Give me the ass;” and when the other heard this he showed his teeth606 and cried, “Allah disappoint the donkey and the owner of the donkey and whoso rideth the donkey,” and flying into an exceeding fury at last said, “Go, O my lord, and take it from the stable, and may Allah never bring back nor thee nor the beast.” So the Syrian went from him saying in himself, “Allah disappoint this fellow, why did he not give me the ass at first and then he had not had occasion to abuse and curse himself and to revile me also.” But they say and say truly, “The Syrian winneth his wish, but gaineth only blame while the Egyptian winneth not his wish and gaineth thanks and praise!”
Tale of Himself Told by the King607
I have a tale, O my lord the Kazi, which bewildereth the wits and it is on this wise. By birth and origin I was the son of a Khwájah, but my father owned much worldly wealth in money and effect and vaiselle and rarities and so forth, besides of landed estates and of fiefs and mortmains a store galore. And every year when the ships of Al-Hind would arrive bringing Indian goods and coffee from Al-Yaman the folk bought thereof one-fourth of the whole and he three-fourths paying in ready cash and hard money.608 So his word was heard and his works were preferred amongst the Traders and the Grandees and the Rulers. Also he had controul609 in counselling the Kings and he was held in awe and obeyed by the merchants, one and all, who consulted him in each and every of their affairs. This endured until one year of the years when suddenly he fell sick and his sickness grew upon him and gained mastery over his frame, so he sent for me, saying, “Bring me my son.” Accordingly I went and entered to him and found him changed of condition and nearing his last gasp. But he turned to me and said, “O my son, I charge thee with a charge which do thou not transgress nor contrary me in whatso I shall declare to thee.” “What may that be?” asked I, and he answered, “O my son, do thou never make oath in Allah’s name, or falsely or truly, even although they fill the world for thee with wealth; but safeguard thy soul in this matter and gainsay it not, nor give ear to aught other.” But when it was midnight the Divine Mystery610 left him and he died to the mercy of Allah Almighty; so I buried him, expending much money upon his funeral and graved him in a handsome tomb. He had left to me wealth in abundance such as the pens could not compute, but when a month or so had sped after his decease suddenly came to me a party of folk, each and every claming by way of debt from me and my sire the sum of some five thousand dinars. “Where be your written bond given by my father?” asked I; but they answered, “There be no instrument and if thou believe us not make oath by Allah.” Replied I saying, “Never will I swear at all,” and paid them whatso they demanded; after which all who feared not the Lord would come to me and say, “We have such-and-such owing to us by thy parent;” and I would pay them off until there remained to me of ready moneys a matter neither great nor small. Hereupon I fell to selling off my landed estates — And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was
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