by Annie Dyer
He’d offered me a glass and I’d refused it, just like I’d been refusing it for the last few days, having a very good idea that I was pregnant.
“Grant, I need to tell you something.”
He put the bottle down on the table. “We even settled on the costs.”
“Grant, I’m pregnant.”
“Thought we’d have more of a battle to agree, but I guess…”
“Grant, I’m pregnant.”
His mouth had opened and shut a few times. A few noises came out. Then he closed it, closed the distance between us and pulled me as close to him as he could, murmuring words that I only half heard.
“Shit. That’s amazing but shit. More of them. How will we cope?”
I’d laughed. “Because we love them and we have each other.”
Then, for the first time since we’d known each other, I’d felt his tears against my skin.
The cold in the store brought me back to reality, the bacon chilling my hands. IT was easy, sometimes, to become lost in a memory, especially on days like this when almost everyone was together.
I headed back out, hearing laughter and Seph shouting something at the top of his voice. Inside I saw Payton sitting on Owen’s knee, his arms around her and I’d be damned if he hadn’t worked it out already, because that man wasn’t stupid. Ava was curled into Eli, who was playing with her blonde curls, while Killian had Eliza asleep on one knee and Claire’s foot on the other, massaging it without really thinking about it.
Our already huge family had expanded in the last two years and was about to grow again with another generation, and I could watch sweet revenge happen upon my own kids as they contended with their own.
“Aunt Marie, do you want more wine?”
I looked at Maven, my niece and the image of my mother with her raven hair and deep blue eyes. “Always.”
Maven smiled and picked up a bottle, topping up my glass that was next to me. There was another peel of laughter and then the door opened.
Snow dusted dark hair that topped a head I dreamed about filled the doorway.
I stood up, just about remembering not to tip my wine over as the room went silent. Ava untangled herself from Eli and flung herself at the figure, the silence quickly fractured with various cries and exclamations, because the prodigal son had returned.
Callum was home in time for Christmas.
13
An atlas of lost places – from Ava to Callum
Callum
Home was a different place since I’d started bringing Wren to it. Beforehand, it was where Marie was; the one person I had a gravitational pull towards. I loved my siblings, but we could do months without seeing each other, email and text messages enough to sustain us, but Mum was different. She needed to lay eyes on me and not via video link, so over the years as I’d wandered, she’d pulled me back each time to this house that had never felt like home.
Until Wren had come back with me, as more than my friend, and then I’d understood.
“I thought you were away for another day.” Marie took hold of my face in her hands and held me still while she examined me with her eyes. “You said Christmas Day.”
“I lied. Thought I’d surprise you all.” I looked at Wren over her head.
My fiancée, because the woman had been mad enough to agree, gave me a smile that looked sweet, but contained enough salt to make sure I kept my mouth shut.
“This doesn’t get you out of giving us presents though!” Seph had strode over to us and clapped me on the back, then gave Wren a big hug, whispering something in her ear that I couldn’t hear above the commotion from everyone else.
There were questions bandied round, the odd quip about Santa turning up on Christmas Eve and more hugs.
“Is this what you’d planned from the start?” Marie eyed me. “Surprising us?”
Wren settled down on the sofa next to me. We’d shifted Seph out of the way on to the floor. “We knew we could get back earlier if the vet from France arrived, which was dependent on his family situation. He was even earlier than we’d hoped, so we landed this afternoon, called in on my mum and then headed straight here. We haven’t been home yet.” She glanced round at me.
We weren’t staying at the house with my family. It was too much for both of us, especially Wren who needed quiet time and space to breathe. Her family hadn’t supported her particularly, her mother complex and difficult, but she visited when she should, told them what they needed to know about her life.
“How was Marrakesh?” Ava was sitting on the chair our father usually favoured, Eli below her, massaging her foot.
“Amazing. You need to go next year; you’d love the souks and the style of the houses. The riad where we stayed was in one of those interior magazines you read.” My hand creeped under Wren’s sweater onto her back as I sought her skin. We didn’t always get to work together, not as closely as we had been doing over the last few weeks, even though we had our own practice here in Oxford. Both of us worked for London Zoo and consulted with others, sometimes away by ourselves for days or even a week at a time. The last three weeks had been blissful, and we’d come back knowing our days of being apart so much were over.
Ava squinted. “I thought you stayed in a tent.”
“We do sometimes. Not this time though.” There had been reasons for that which my family would find out a little about later – not all of them; they were between me and Wren.
“And it’s more of a yurt than a tent,” Wren said, smiling. “We only rough it when we’re in the middle of nowhere.”
“I wish you’d stop going to the middle of nowhere.” The grumble was from Marie. “It worries me. I know you’re careful and you take all precautions but you can’t plan for a rogue bear or tiger attacking you while you’re asleep, and I do have nightmares about it.”
I chuckled. “If it makes you feel any better, we’re not planning on being away so much next year.” My arm went around her waist, settling on her side. I knew she was nervous about this, not wanting to overshadow Max and Victoria’s wedding in a couple of days.
“Why’s that?” Seph tipped his head onto one side and looked at me. “Not that it won’t be good to have you around more.”
“You’re not moving in with us.” I pointed the finger of my free hand at him. “You have your own place and a flatmate.”
He shrugged and nodded, picking up his beer. “Be good if the flatmate was there a bit more.”
Shay leaned forward. “What the…” he shook his head. “I’ve said I’ll be around more to hold your hand. Can’t you find yourself a nice girlfriend instead?”
“Back to Callum.”
I knew my mother would smell blood.
“Wren and I have somewhere we’d like to be on New Year’s Eve for an hour tops.”
Wren intertwined her fingers with mine at her waist.
“We’re having a wedding ceremony on New Year’s Eve.” She announced it with far less drama than I was intending, but then the drama started to unfold.
We both ended up standing, being hugged by my siblings and cousins. Seph and Shay had gone into some rugby chant and some strange version of the Haka, but they were being ignored.
“Where are you getting married?” Marie managed to hush everyone. “I should probably say this is very sudden and don’t you need more time to plan, but I’m just – stunned and happy… so where?”
I glanced at Wren and inhaled. We’d discussed how we announced this, knowing that our family – mine at least – might be slightly annoyed that we’d already done the deed.
The truth, we’d agreed, was best.
“We got married in Marrakesh and before you shout, it was for us and it shouldn’t be a surprise, but we wanted something at home too. So we’re having a ceremony at the farm.”
We’d arranged it a couple of months ago, back when we were sorting the documents for getting married in Marrakesh. As much as we’d have rather been spontaneous, the details didn’t allow for that.
“You’re already married?” Claire stood up, untangling herself from Killian. “You’re married?” She looked at Wren and then burst into tears, grabbing hold of Wren and hugging her so tightly I wondered whether she’d been taken over by a cobra.
“We’re married.”
The announcement caused another bout of chaos.
Well, fuck me.
I need photos!
Trust bloody Callum!
What about a stag do?
What did you wear?
I have another daughter!
That’s a cost-effective way to do it.
Was a donkey the best man?
No, Seph wasn’t there.
They continued. I caught most of them, and then I caught Seph’s eye. He held out the glass of champagne in a cheers gesture and gave me his quiet smile, the one that said so much more than the big beams he gave.
I headed over to him and rather than the tap on the back that would’ve been normal, I grasped him in a huge hug.
“Be my best man.”
“Shit, Cal, I’ve just spilt my champagne.”
“Is that a yes or a no?”
“Fuck. I’ve been planning this speech for ten years, so of course it’s a yes. I’m so fucking happy for you. Wren’s perfect.”
“She is.” I looked over to her, being surrounded by my sisters and sisters-in-law, or future ones, talking animatedly about how it was when we were married on a beach, with Laurent as our witness, dressed in beach wear underneath an African sun that seemed to always shine.
We’d hadn’t gone back to the riad that night, staying instead in a tent near the beach and we were lost in each other. Nothing had existed except us and the stars and sounds of nature in the background.
We weren’t protected. We both knew she could get pregnant and that was how it would be, taking that chance without planning for any particular outcome.
“I’m so fucking happy for you, Cal. This is everything.”
I held my brother, the little brother who was now taller and bigger than me. He’d been my wingman; I’d been his. We’d lived through each other’s crises and dramas, and now I felt that a chasm had shattered between us, only a bridge had been formed at the same time.
“You’ll have this, you know. This will be you soon.” I muttered the words into his ear, knowing that Max and Jackson, at least, would’ve caught the hug that was lasting longer than either of them probably did in bed.
“I’m just glad for you. This is epic, Cal… are there any censored episodes on my best man’s speech?”
I held him at arm’s length. “Just make it good. Relaxed. We’re not doing suits.”
“Try telling Mum that.”
Fair point. I released Seph and headed over to where Wren was, holding her from behind, my arms looped round her waist and pulling her into my chest. Seph disappeared out of the room, looking like he was about to wet himself.
“Rather than explaining this to ten different people, what do you want to know?” I looked round at the sea of familiar faces.
“What’s happening on New Year’s Eve?” Ava shouted up first.
“Three pm we’re having a marriage ceremony in the large barn that we’re not using. It’s being decorated before. Then we thought we’d just go to the pub for a meal and drinks.” Wren sounded happy, light. I’d worried a little about this, simply because she wasn’t used to having to placate so many people. “It won’t be formal. I have a wedding dress and Callum has a suit, but you wear what you want.”
“Seph’s going to be my best man, so you’ll still get speeches. But – this isn’t a big thing. We have Max’s wedding before then.” I looked at my eldest brother, saw him smile at me and raise his glass. “We can talk more about it after that.”
“And before that, we have Christmas Day.” Payton gave a huge beaming smile and I remembered how much she’d always enjoyed Christmas.
The door opened and Seph blew back in. “Are we discussing the elephant in the room yet?”
Everyone turned towards him.
He waved an arm and almost knocked over one of Marie’s prized ornaments.
“The positive pregnancy test that’s been left in the downstairs bathroom. Everyone must’ve seen it. Was this your way of announcing it, Payts?”
14
A day at an outdoor aerial park – Shay to Max, Jackson, Killian, Nick, Owen, Eli & Callum
Payton
The world closed in. My ears rang, even though the only sound in the room was silence. That, and my heart thudding against my chest.
Owen was standing opposite me, his hand clasped around a beer, his eyes focused solely on me.
I was going to murder Seph, but not until I’d somehow managed to get out of the room with Owen and explained. Preferably without crying, because there were tears there already.
I studied Owen’s face, feeling everything amplified. The words I wanted to say were about to fountain out of my mouth, too fast and too much because the audience were still there, listening and staring. His mouth had started to curve with a gentle, soft smile and his eyes looked glassy. I knew that I was all he could see
“Fuck. I’m so sorry. I thought you’d told him. Shit, Payts.” Seph looked from me to Owen and then put his hand over his face. “Fuck.”
I couldn’t deny being pregnant even though I’d really wanted to tell Owen before everyone else. But there was one thing I could deny honestly. “The test in the bathroom isn’t mine.” I took a step towards Owen and inhaled as much oxygen as I could, tears spewing down my face. “But there is a positive one that is mine – ours – in our room.”
He pulled me into him and I felt him bury his face into my shoulder, his lips pressing my skin there.
“Congrats, man.”
I heard Maxwell first, then Jackson, then Killian say something about sleepless nights and shitty nappies. I heard Callum say something about Owen knocking up his little sister and felt my father’s hand squeeze my shoulder, but I kept my eyes closed, willing them all away so I could talk to my fiancé. My lover. My child’s father.
Feet moved, a door opened and closed, the room grew quiet.
“Payts, I’m so fucking sorry…”
I looked up and saw my twin, saw the pain on his face. “Seph, it’s okay. But this baby isn’t being named after you and I’m going to murder you later.”
He nodded.
“Seph.”
Brown eyes looked back at me. “Someone else is pregnant. The test you’ve seen wasn’t mine. When you find out, you had better fucking let me know.”
“On it. I’ll… I’ll leave you to it. Mum’s shepherded us all out.”
I watched him leave, unable to be cross with him anymore right now.
Once the door closed, Owen looked up, tears on his face along with the biggest, widest smile I’d ever seen.
“When did you find out?”
“Yesterday. I was going to tell you when we woke up in the morning.”
He moved back from me slightly, his hold slipping to my hips, his gaze dropping to my stomach. “My Christmas present?”
I nodded, too choked up now with tears to form a coherent word.
“That one time?”
I nodded again.
“Shit, my sperm must be strong.”
I started to laugh, more of a snort laugh that involved snot because I was still crying at the same time. “Super strong.” I dug around down the side of my mother’s favourite chair and found the paper tissues she always kept down there, blowing my nose.
“How are you feeling? Have you been sick? What… what can I do?”
I laughed, wiped my nose and went back into his arms. “I feel fine. It’s early days and I haven’t felt sick – I might not. How do you feel? Our lives are about to change.”
“How do I feel? Completely and utterly in love with you. Gobsmacked. Elated. Like I want to wrap you up and become a guard dog at your feet.”
Another sob came out. “You’re hap
py about it?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy. Even when you agreed to marry me. Even when you first let me kiss you.” He didn’t try to wipe the tears from his face. “I need to give you a Christmas present. Come to our room.”
He led me out of there, the sounds of voices echoing down the corridor from the entrance hall where I guessed Mum had stuffed everyone while we had some time alone. I followed him, tears still leaking, my hand in his, the feeling that there was three of us together and not just us as a couple anymore surrounding me.
I watched as he leaned over into his bag, rummaging round and then pulled out a prettily wrapped gift with a bow stuck on it.
“Here. Happy Christmas.” He handed it to me, his expression almost anxious, nervous.
I took the package, a box, small in size. My heart rate upped as I unwrapped the paper, peeling it back carefully, feeling that this was one of those moments that I needed to savour as it would need to be adhered to my memory forever.
I hadn’t finished taking off the paper when I saw what was wrapped.
A tiny pair of grey baby booties, a small mouse embroidered onto each one.
I sat down on the bed and burst into tears.
Owen sat next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders and holding me to him, kissing the top of my head and murmuring words that made more tears flow.
I was emotional and hormonal and over-spilling with happiness right now. I didn’t want this moment to end.
“How did you know to buy these?”
I turned my head to look at him, seeing that smile which made my heart want to explode.
He looked shy. I touched his chin with my finger, feeling the stubble there.
“I have an alarm set each month in my calendar to buy you chocolate for when you get cranky before you have your period. You’re pretty regular and this month you didn’t touch what I bought. And you cried when you were reading a book.” He shrugged. “I kind of figured that you might be. Hoped.”
I shifted round so I was straddling his lap. His hands went back on my waist, pulling me closer.