by London Casey
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning I’m not his mother,” I said. “But he thinks I am. And I can’t take that away from him. And I’m going to raise him for the rest of my life. He is in all the ways that matter my son.”
Sawyer nodded. “Right. I feel like an asshole now.”
“Why?”
“Because the first thing I did when I saw Jason was assume he was mine. I had this vision of you being pregnant when I left. And then you never told me. You had to go through that all alone. Or Tate by your side. While I was gone…”
“Tate got me through this, Sawyer,” I said. I reached for his hand and squeezed it. “You need to understand that. I love him. Not the same way I… the way I care about you though. Tate is like a big brother to me. He always has been. Whatever you thought about and him never happened. Never came close to it.”
“Darling, I think that’s a different conversation,” Sawyer said.
“Right. Of course. Um… Jason. Do you remember my sister, Kira?”
“Vaguely,” Sawyer said. “I knew she had a lot of problems in life. She was always floating from state to state and guy to guy. I think I only met her four or five times.”
I nodded. “Yeah, that’s Kira. She had a new career and dream on Monday and by Friday she was getting engaged to a new guy. She’s Jason’s mother.”
“Shit,” Sawyer said. “So that explains why he does look like you then.”
“You think?”
“From what I saw, yeah. From the side, when he looked at you earlier, yeah, I figured he was your son.”
That made me smile for some reason. “Okay. Well, he’s not my son. He’s my nephew.”
“But you’re raising him as your son,” Sawyer said.
“Yeah.”
“What happened to your sister? She okay?”
I shook my head. I looked down and licked my lips. “She… uh… she’s dead.”
“Oh, Kate,” Sawyer said. “No. How? When?”
“Right after Jason was born,” I said. “She managed to clean herself up right before she got pregnant. It was hell for all those months making sure she stayed clean. But she did it. She really did it. She had a job, an apartment. I helped her get a nursery together. It was like… I don’t know, Sawyer. When she said she was pregnant, it was almost like the saddest news ever. Because I thought there was no way she would have done the right thing. All I could think about was her doing dumb stuff to her body and hurting the baby. But she stayed clean. Then she had Jason. I was there in the delivery room when he was born.”
“And the father?” Sawyer asked.
I shook my head. “No.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. He’s a loser. He’s actually in jail.”
“Jail?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Drugs and weapons. He was put away right after Jason was born. Kira wanted him to meet the baby. She hoped the baby would do the same thing for him that it did for her. I mean, from day one, Sawyer, Jason’s had this pressure on his back. A baby isn’t supposed to be born like that. To save people? No. Parents are supposed to raise the kid. Not the kid raise the parents.”
Sawyer moved his chair closer to mine and touched my face. “I know, darling. We both grew up that way though. Living with too much pressure on us. The world against us. And now that kid has the same. It’s not fair.”
“No, it’s not.”
“So… Kira…”
I nodded. “Yeah. After Jason was born, she was more worried about Jed. Jason’s father. She desperately wanted him to get involved. It was hard to watch her go through the pregnancy alone. But she had me. She trusted me. By having the baby, she really thought it would change everything with Jed. But it didn’t. She ended up slipping.”
“No.”
“Yeah. And not just slipping… I mean, diving head fucking first right back into hell.”
“Kate…” Sawyer lowered his head. “Christ. You had to go through that alone.”
“I wasn’t alone,” I said.
“Tate,” Sawyer whispered.
“Yeah. Kira started selling stuff. Basically the entire nursery. Anything to get money for her need. I went to her place and saw the empty room. She had Jason sleeping on the floor in her room on a stack of towels.”
“Holy fuck.”
“So I took Jason and told her she needed to get help. That she couldn’t put Jason at risk. I couldn’t stop thinking about what if she got too lost and forgot about Jason? I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him.”
“Of course not,” Sawyer said.
“She was too far gone,” I said. “I was trying to juggle a life where I was taking care of Jason and taking care of her. I tried the best I could. I swear, Sawyer.”
“Hey,” he said. “Nobody would question that. Ever.”
“She said she was clean again. She came over and was cleaned up. Showered. In new clothes. She played with Jason for hours. She was right here for hours, Sawyer. Without touching any bad shit. We ordered pizza, got Jason to sleep, and we drank soda and watched our favorite movies together. We sat there, laughing so hard, saying every line of every movie. We stayed up until two in the morning. She slept on the couch and I went to bed thinking everything was going to be okay. Jed was in jail. That meant she had no reason to worry about him anymore. She was clean and thinking straight. It was all going to turn around.”
“But it didn’t,” Sawyer whispered. He rubbed his jaw. “Fuck.”
“Yeah. Fuck. She got up in the middle of the night and left a note. Saying she had to get home to check on something. When I saw the note the next morning, my heart sank. I knew what that meant. The problem? She was so ramped up to get her fix, she over did it. She OD’ed. She died right there in what used to be Jason’s nursery. I have no idea why she went into Jason’s room. Maybe she knew what she was doing. Or maybe she meant to do it. You know? It was her final goodbye to the world and she wanted to leave Jason’s room. Or… what if… she realized what she did and she regretted it?”
I stopped talking and took a deep breath.
Sawyer got even closer to me now. Slipping his tattooed arms around me, pulling me to his hard chest. It didn’t seem fair the way I fit right against his chest and instantly felt okay. Like nothing bad in the world could ever happen or get to me.
“Jesus, Kate,” he whispered. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry you went through that by yourself.”
“I wasn’t…”
“I know. Tate was there. What I really mean is that I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m really pissed at myself for what happened and how it happened. But I don’t want to turn this into me. It’s not about me. Please keep going, darling.”
Sawyer eased away from me and he touched my face.
I rubbed my cheek against his hand. How the hell did this happen with us? To go from an intense pleasure high to sitting there in tears. But that was life with Sawyer. With Saint.
I touched the corners of my eyes. “I will always wonder if she regretted it. That she only meant to get her fix and something went wrong. And she knew she was going to… die. So she went into Jason’s room as a way to say sorry and goodbye at the same time. The truth is that I’ll never know what happened. What was going through her mind. She, uh, I just don’t get it. She was doing so good, Sawyer. She was here that entire night. We laughed like we hadn’t laughed in years. Maybe ever. For a fleeting moment I had this vision of myself and my sister getting close. We could be the sisters I always dreamed of. And, yeah, the Jason thing wasn’t easy. But he’d have us. Instead, he has me.”
“And I hope you realize how special you are.”
I slowly stood to get some distance and air. “Special. He came to sleep over at my place with his mother and his mother never came back.”
Sawyer stood too but stayed on the other side of the table. “What happened there, Kate?”
“I was the closest family member,” I said. “I mean, was I ready to take on a baby? No. What was I g
oing to do? Say no? Have him end up being taken away and put into some random family’s house?”
“You stepped up,” Sawyer whispered.
“Yeah, I fucking did.”
He moved around the table and had me cornered in the bend of the counter. “That’s what I’m doing, darling. I’m stepping up. I’m here in front of you. In love with you. Knowing I can’t twist the arm of time to get back what has been lost. You’ve been through enough, Kate. Let me carry it for a while.”
“Let you carry it,” I said. “You think that’s how this works, Sawyer? You show up, try to be sexy and flirty. You ask about my life. You kiss me a few times. You steal some pleasure. You hear what happened to me. And now you want to carry it. That’s not how it works, Sawyer. I still have my life. My responsibilities. This isn’t some movie where you show up and change everything.”
“Right,” he said. “Right. It’s not some movie. But it’s my heart. It’s everything I have to give to you. You know what, Kate? I’ll sign my half of St. Skin over to you. How’s that?”
“What?”
“That’s how serious I am. You can have it. You get half the business, profits, everything. I’ll become an employee. Fine by me. Then you and Jason can have a good life together.”
“Money,” I whisper. “This isn’t about money, Sawyer. I don’t care about that. You’re jumping too far ahead.”
“It’s what I do,” he said with a small grin.
I shook my head. “No, Sawyer, you’re not listening to me. This thing with Jason isn’t that easy.”
3.
Sawyer forced me to eat. I was getting shaky from talking and being hungry. Not to mention what he had done to me up against my own fridge.
I sat and ate, Sawyer right next to me doing the same.
“So, here’s what happened to me,” he said. “Not that it matters, but, you know, we’re just talking. I stumbled across this old building. The middle shop was for sale. Some guy who owned a tailor’s shop with his wife. I got to know the guy for a minute. He told me he lost his wife to cancer and he just gave up everything. I should have left right then and there. Because as he told this story I thought about you, Kate. I ended up getting the space for a good deal. I opened a little tattoo shop and made a living. Then some fancy developers came sniffing around. They wanted the entire building. Everyone started selling. One by one by one. But not me.”
“Stubborn,” I said, raising my eyebrow. Since he always called me stubborn.
“No, darling, patience,” he said with a wink.
I rolled my eyes.
The food was perfect. The coffee was better. The company, however, made my heart race and hurt at the same time.
“I waited until they offered a shit ton of cash. Then I took the deal. The two guys that worked with me, I gave them each a check and I took off. Because that place was never home to me or for me. Sitting on the beach, feeling the salty air, all I could do was think of you.”
“And to think I was changing shitty diapers and learning how to mix formula and reading online how to introduce foods to a baby that wasn’t mine. Watching Jason crawl. Take his first steps. Talk. Color.”
“I get it,” Sawyer whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“No need,” I said. “The story isn’t done though.”
“I’m listening.”
I looked at the fridge to the business card stuck there with a magnet.
“I have full rights to Jason,” I said. “He’s mine. He doesn’t know anything yet. I don’t know if what I’ve let happen is the right or wrong thing. He’s so young though, you know? To have to explain who I am. Who his mother was. Who his father is. It just feels so wrong. Or maybe I’m greedy.”
“You’re not greedy, Kate. You’re protecting his heart.”
“Is that wrong?”
“No. And you’re smart enough to know a day will come when he’ll need to know the truth.”
“I hate that day.”
“I’m sure you do.”
“But it’s more than that,” I said. “His father is in jail. After Kira died, he wrote a few letters. To put it simple… he thinks he’s getting Jason when he gets out.”
“What? That’s impossible.”
“Don’t say that,” I said. “He’s Jason’s father. I mean, if he gets out and goes through parole. Gets a job. Gets an apartment. Shows that he’s a decent person…”
“No way,” I said. “I won’t let that happen.”
“Oh, you won’t let that happen?” I asked. “Well, jeez, then why have I been paying a lawyer to keep an eye on all this? I could have just called Sawyer. I forgot that you control the court system. That you cause the Earth’s rotation. And that the sun shines for you.”
I closed my mouth and bit my lip as I looked away.
Sawyer didn’t make a move.
“Wow,” he whispered.
“Sawyer, I’m-”
“You’re right,” he said. “I don’t know a thing about this shit. Fine. I shouldn’t have said that. But I want to protect you. And your son.”
“Nephew.”
“Darling, he’s your son. Even when the day comes and you explain everything, he’s going to know you’re his mother.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Now, how long does his father have in prison?”
“Years, I guess,” I said.
“What does your lawyer say?”
“He says I’m fine.”
“Good. Trust in that.”
“Maybe I watch too many TV shows, but how do I know? I mean, what if he legit gets out of prison and turns into a new man? Am I supposed to keep Jason from him? Think about it. What if you had the chance to know your father? And someone blocked you from that?”
Sawyer swallowed hard. “I can’t answer that. My father wanted nothing to do with me. You know that.”
“But if he did?”
“I’d want to know.”
“Exactly. And if he’s a good person…”
“Kate, you need to focus on today. Right now. Right here. I know that’s not what you want to hear from me. He’s got years left in jail. Your lawyer thinks it’ll be okay. You’ve been raising Jason since he was a baby. You were in the damn delivery room. He wasn’t. If he gets out and turns into a model citizen, at best, you would have to share custody.”
“You’re a lawyer?”
“No. But I have the money to pay for a good lawyer.”
“You can’t buy your way into my life.”
“I’m not asking to do that. I’m asking to just let me be here for you, Kate.”
“You are here.”
“Then don’t push me away.” Sawyer reached for my hand and stood up, taking me with him. “I swear to you, Kate. I’m here to stay.”
I nodded at him, trying to keep my emotions under control. Sometimes thinking about Jason and his father and what could happen just destroyed me. Nothing was promised in life.
“I love him so much,” I whispered. “He’s a good kid. He’s got a sweet heart. I never want him to feel pain.”
“We all feel pain, darling,” Sawyer whispered back. “What matters is those around you when you feel that pain. Those who help to take it away. Those who are just there.”
“Sawyer, we both hurt each other back then.”
“No,” he said. “We’re not talking about back then right now. You just told me a lot of shit. There’s nothing I can do to change any of it. Time. Money. It doesn’t matter.”
“But you’re here. While I’m in pain.”
“Yeah, I am,” Sawyer said.
I put my hands to his chest and slid them up to his face. I leaned forward and Sawyer met me, kissing me.
In some messed up way, I needed him in my life more than ever before.
SIXTEEN
SAWYER
1.
I got to the shop and it was in full swing already. Music playing, people getting tattoos, and people waiting to get inked up or set up an appointment. I hadn’
t slept all that great. It was nothing but a tease to finally hold Kate for an entire night only to be left sleeping in a spare bed in one of Tate’s bedrooms in his house. Kate asked me to hang back and give her some distance after what happened with us.
I respected it as much as I hated it.
So, I was dragging serious ass as I carried a giant cup of coffee and walked straight back to what was now my personal workspace. I dropped my shit to a table and put my coffee down. I looked at myself in the mirror and knew I looked like hell. There was just so much racing through my mind. I spent hours searching online about everything Kate told me. With her raising Jason and his father being in jail. I didn’t know enough to understand if Jason’s father could get out of jail and be granted some sort of custody. I hated to think it could happen… but it probably could happen. If the guy cleaned himself up and stayed that way, why not? And as for Jason, I couldn’t help but feel that a boy always deserved a chance to know his father. The good. The bad. Everything in between.
It hurt my chest to think about. Bringing up the old memories of little Sawyer sitting on the curb of the beat up apartment building. With the older kids walking around, smoking cigarettes, cursing, even sometimes stealing little Sawyer’s bag to take his toys or food. But little Sawyer always sat there, always waiting for his father. And his father never came. And then one day some punk asked little Sawyer what he was doing. And little Sawyer explained it. That punk then said little Sawyer’s father hated him and that he should have been a stain on the bedsheets. He took little Sawyer’s bag and that was all little Sawyer could take.
It had been my first real fight in life. I was eight years old and the punk was twelve. He and his buddies beat the living hell out of me but I did land a few punches. That was the day I stopped waiting for my father to show up. And I also figured out how to fight properly so when I ran into that same punk a month or so later, the outcome of the fight was very different.
What got me the most was that I hadn’t even had a chance to meet this kid yet. I saw him twice and he didn’t know I existed. That was okay though. Kate was doing her job. She was protecting him. She was worried about fully trusting me.