by London Casey
I shook my head. “I don’t get why you say that crap to me. It builds me up, Sawyer.”
“Good,” he said. “Now, let’s get out of here. If you want to go get a drink and watch me fight someone, let me know.”
“How about we go back to my place and you do the same thing there that you did here?”
“You want another tattoo?” he asked with a sexy smile on his face.
“You know what I mean,” I said. “Idiot.”
“Love you too, darling.”
We left St. Skin and Sawyer locked the place up. We rode back to my place and I found Maggie at the kitchen table with a lot of work spread across the table. She was surprised that we were only gone a couple of hours. As she packed up her stuff and casually left a folder on the table for me to look at for work purposes, I looked at my phone and saw I had three missed calls. Back to back to back. And one voicemail.
I forced myself to keep a straight face as I hugged Maggie and thanked her for her help. She left and I hurried to listen to the voicemail. As I heard my lawyer’s voice start to talk, Sawyer appeared from the hallway.
I was thankful he was there.
Because by the time the voicemail ended, I had collapsed to the floor.
2.
“What’s wrong?” Sawyer asked as he scooped me up and held me.
I cried.
I cried hard.
I clutched his shirt and felt my entire body shaking with fear. I felt like I was going to be sick. So much so that I wrestled my way out of Sawyer’s arms and ran to the sink. I hung over it, gasping for air. The room began to spin.
“Kate, what’s going on?”
I reached for the fridge and ripped my lawyer’s business card and threw it.
“That,” I managed to say.
“What? Your lawyer?”
I took another deep breath and turned, balancing myself against the sink. “Yes.”
“What…?”
I looked at Sawyer and felt more tears escape my eyes. “That was the call.”
“The call?”
“What’s my greatest fear, Sawyer?”
Sawyer crouched and plucked the business card off the floor. He turned and reached for my cell phone. He stood and walked both to the table.
“Sawyer?” I asked.
His eyes met mine. “No.”
“Yeah. It’s happening. Jed is getting out of jail.”
“What?”
“Sal called me three times while we were coming home. He finally left a voicemail. Jed is getting out of prison. He’s going to come and take Jason from me. I’m going to lose Jason.”
“Jesus, Kate, no,” Sawyer said. He moved at me, wrapping his arms around me. “No. He’s not going to do that. There’s no way he can do that.”
“Stop,” I said. “Don’t fucking say that to me.”
“Kate, you don’t…”
I forced my arms between us and I pushed at him. “You don’t get to say that to me, Sawyer. You don’t get to come back to town and say all the right things at all the right times and then just act like you’re going to fix me.”
“Whoa, Kate. Take it easy for a second.”
“Fuck you, Sawyer,” I spat. “You’re not going to fix me. Or fix this. You’re not going to buy me a fancy house or a car and make up for the reality I’m living. You’re not going to tattoo me and kiss me and act like nothing is wrong.”
I saw his lip curl. “Wow. Are you going to try and push me away right now?”
“I don’t have time for this,” I said. “I’ve got to call Sal and figure out what’s next.”
“Kate, can you stop for a second and look at me. There’s no way Jed can get to Jason.”
I had my cell phone in my hand and I pointed it at Sawyer. “That’s what you want to say right now? What the fuck do you know about this? You weren’t there, remember? When Kira was pregnant. When she gave birth. When she died. You weren’t there when Jed made it clear that he was Jason’s father and that he would come after me. And if you think for a second Jed will… you know what? No. Fuck this. You weren’t there.”
I turned, knowing damn well I had ripped out what was left of Sawyer’s heart and stomped on it. But that’s what we did to each other.
I didn’t want to lose Sawyer. And I didn’t want to lose Jason either.
Sawyer didn’t understand who Jed was or what he was capable of doing.
I walked away from him, not really sure what I was supposed to do now. Probably call Sal and figure out what he wanted to do. He was the lawyer. He was the one who got paid to do this stuff.
But the actual news itself hadn’t hit me all the way just yet.
Jed is getting out of jail. Jed is going to be a free man. Jed is going to come after Jason. Jed…
Hands touched me.
I screamed and turned, swinging a fist, thinking it was Jed already there.
Sawyer caught my hand with a surprised look on his face.
“Darling, you can push me away all you want. You can swing at me. You can do anything you need to do to get at me for what I did to you. But I am not walking away from you. I’m not walking away from this. I can help you.”
“Help me? How?”
“You tell me what I can do. I’m sorry I don’t know the entire situation. I’m sorry he’s getting out of jail. But we can fight this.”
“We? You’re going to throw the word we around? After all I’ve done all these years alone?”
Sawyer rubbed his jaw. He slowly showed his hands and backed up. “You’re right, Kate. You did this all alone. I’ll never be able to take that back and make it up to you. I fucked up. If I knew about Jason sooner I would have been back sooner.”
“For him? Not me though.”
“I didn’t say that. Jesus. No matter what I say right now I’m going to come up short.”
“So leave,” I said. “Go ahead. This is your out. We’ve had our fun, Sawyer. But this is real now. This is really fucking real. I’m going to lose him.”
“You’re not.”
I felt the anger swell in me again. I stepped toward Sawyer. “Once again, you weren’t there. You left to go chase some kind of dream on the beach. Living a good life. Living an easy life. So, go do that again. Right now. Go.”
I knew my voice was getting louder and I knew if I woke up Jason it would only make the night worse. But my anger was peaking and Sawyer was the easy target. Even though he did nothing wrong in this particular situation, I let my heart and mind twist everything up into one thing and he was bearing the brunt of it.
“You’re making a mistake,” Sawyer said.
“What?”
“You want me to leave that bad I will. But I’m not leaving. It doesn’t work that way.”
“Maybe it does. It’s my turn now, Sawyer. My turn to turn my back on you for years. Leave you waiting and hurting and suffering.”
Sawyer opened his mouth but didn’t speak another word. I had hit him harder with words than my hand across his face could ever do. I wanted to break him like I was broken. And judging by the look on his face, I had succeeded.
There was this moment when he looked beyond me, toward the hallway. He really cared about Jason. I didn’t doubt that for a second. But this wasn’t about pretending to be a family and playing house. This was more serious than that.
“I’m not leaving, Kate,” he whispered. “I’ll be by your side for whatever you need and in any way that you need me.”
He reached out and touched my face.
I watched him turn and walk through the kitchen toward the door.
He left, like I told him to do.
Why did he have to start listening to me now?
TWENTY-FOUR
SAWYER
1.
I stopped outside the apartment and shook my head. I felt empty. I felt hurt. I knew this was the one thing Kate feared the most. And she was right about everything. I didn’t get it. I wasn’t around. I was chasing ghosts on the beach, holdin
g hands with women for temporary comfort. I never felt at home where I was after leaving Hundred Falls Valley. But I didn’t know what Kate was going through. What she was living with. What her beautiful world was up against.
I took two steps and turned.
“No,” I whispered.
I had promises to keep and nothing was going to stop me from doing that.
As I moved toward the door, I knew I wasn’t going to knock. But I also wasn’t going to leave.
I touched the door and swallowed hard. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to protect Jason, too. To me, they were the only family I had. Them and the guys at St. Skin. This whole thing had become home for me. I could rent out any apartment in town or buy any house I wanted to, but this little apartment had become my home. Living out of a few bags at Tate’s house was one thing, but coming here to be with Kate and Jason was the greatest sense of peace I had experienced in years.
It wasn’t going to slip away that easily.
I put my back to the wall outside the apartment and slowly sat down on the floor.
I reached for my phone and thought about my next move. I wanted to talk to Kate’s lawyer. But I couldn’t do that behind her back. I wanted to talk to my lawyer. I wanted to talk to St. Skin’s lawyer. I wanted to bring every fucking lawyer in the state together and come up with a plan to keep that asshole away from Jason.
But what if…
I gritted my teeth.
“Fuck,” I growled to myself.
I lowered my head and dropped the phone to the floor.
I felt the weight of a thousand pounds and years of emotion settle against the back of my neck.
The apartment door opened and out stepped Kate.
She didn’t see me sitting there right away. Not until she took a few steps and I said her name. She let out a quick yell and spun around. She looked down at me, those pretty green eyes big as ever, but also full of pain. I had seen that look on her face too many times in my life, always caused by me. Now she was hurt by something else and I couldn’t fix it. Before, I was able to fix it by leaving. By taking away her source of the pain, which was me.
“Sawyer, what are you doing?”
“Keeping my promise, darling. I’m not leaving. You may not want me here right now, which is fine. But I’m not leaving you. I love you. I want to help you. I want to help Jason.”
She stood there, hugging herself for a few seconds, fresh tears filling her eyes.
I put my hand out for her to take. She hesitated but gave me her right hand. I pulled at her, making her stumble toward me. She slowly collapsed to her knees before me.
“Kate… don’t push me away.”
She nodded and fell forward, into my arms.
I hugged her, shutting my eyes.
She started to cry.
2.
At some point, I managed to stand and carry Kate back into the apartment. I shut the door, locked it, and took her to the bedroom. I was careful with the way I moved. I wanted to show Kate that I was here and I wasn’t leaving. My track record wasn’t all that great, but this was different.
I gently placed her on the bed and sat myself on the corner, keeping a little distance from her.
I rubbed my jaw and looked over at her. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say right now.”
“Let me explain it to you, Sawyer. Jed made it very clear that he would get custody of his son. He wrote to me, okay? He said he was taking some kind of classes or whatever in prison. That he was going to find a way to get Jason back. That no matter what, at the end of the day, a judge would always side with a blood parent versus a family member.”
I sighed. “He’s just trying to get to you.”
“Yeah, well it worked. It worked then, and now.”
“What did your lawyer tell you?” I asked.
“Nothing useful. Everything has always been wait and see. I can’t do that. Not with Jason. My sister fought so hard to stay clean while she was pregnant with Jason. The entire time, Jed couldn’t keep himself clean. You know, I didn’t carry Jason inside me for nine months but it was months of hell for me once I found out Kira was pregnant. There wasn’t a single time I didn’t turn my back that I didn’t expect her to go and do something stupid to hurt herself and the baby. And all Kira wanted was for Jed to clean himself up so they could be a family. But he ended up in jail.”
“I know, darling.”
“You know. Everyone knows. But what happens now?”
“Kate, if he’s really getting out, he’s got a long road ahead. He’s got to face the legal system for a long time still.”
“Then what?” she asked. She leaned forward, her eyes glossy and scared. “So, let’s say he gets out. Let’s say he decides to do good. He’s clean. He stays clean. He gets a job. He gets an apartment. Then he approaches his lawyer to approach a judge about seeing Jason.”
I felt a sinking feeling in my chest and stomach. I slid my hand across the bed toward Kate but she pulled away.
“You think he’s going to take Jason away.”
“He can,” Kate said. “He’s Jason’s father.”
“Nobody would let that happen.”
“Any judge would,” Kate said. “And why not? If he’s cleaned up and working? Why not?”
“You’re not going to lose him.”
“Yes I am. I go back to being an aunt. The fun aunt. I get to see him a few times a week. Bring him a toy or some fast food as a treat. I don’t get to make him dinner anymore. I don’t get to watch him play with his toys in the bath. I don’t get to tip toe over all the messes he makes around the apartment that drives me crazy but I can’t imagine not having in my life. I don’t get to draw pictures with him at night and tell him stories.”
Kate sucked in a breath and touched her mouth.
There was nothing I could say to that because she was right.
I stood up and felt like punching a wall.
“Have you ever thought about adopting him?” I asked. “What if we push for it right now. Right away?”
“Jed would have to sign off on it,” she said. “No matter how much of a shitty person he is, he wouldn’t do that. He wants this power over me. He hates me.”
“Why?”
“Because I never liked him,” she said. “Because of what he did to Kira. And in some fucked up way, Sawyer, he loved her with all his heart. And Jason is probably the last thing tied to her.”
“Christ,” I growled. “Well, there has to be a way to fight this.”
“What if it was you?”
“What?”
“What if it was you… you were Jason.” Kate moved from the bed and rose to her feet. “And your father was cleaned up and wanted to see you. And someone kept you away from him.”
“Kate, this is different.”
“It’s not. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about the conversations I’m going to have with Jason. About his mother. About his father. Then what… I tell him that I kept him from his father?”
“I’ll tell him,” I said. “I’ll be standing there with you. We’ll explain the truth.”
“What truth?” Kate asked.
I shook my head. “No…”
“You don’t really get it,” she said. “He’s going to come for Jason. One way or another. It’s going to happen.”
I faced Kate and shook my head. “What does that mean?”
“Jed is crazy. I’ve seen him at his worst.”
“Using?”
“Yeah, but still… see, he was obsessed with Kira. And maybe for her it was a sexy thing. I don’t know. But he never let up on her until she gave in. It wasn’t romantic if you ask me. It was scary. He controlled her. He forced her into the life she lived. I’m not going to be stupid here and say that Kira didn’t hurt herself though either. But Jed did nothing to help. He gets out and he’s going to come for Jason.”
“You mean one way or another…”
Kate nodded.
I slowly touched
her arms. “Darling, this is where you need to look at me and trust me. I’m going to say it like it is, no matter how it sounds. There is no fucking way anything is going to happen to Jason. I will protect the both of you. If he goes the legal route, I’ll pay any lawyer any amount of money to ensure nothing bad happens. What’s best for Jason is you in his life. You’re his mother now. I get it. There’s going to be a day when Jason has to face some hard realities. That’s life, Kate. We all face those realities. And if Jed is dumb enough to try and just show up… I’ll knock his teeth out and call the cops. He’ll get put away for good for breaking parole.”
“Then what? I spend the rest of my life with this hanging over my head? And Jason’s life? How is this fair?”
“I never said it was going to be fair, darling. But Jason has a family. Maybe it’s not the cookie cutter family they show on TV, but who really wants that? Look at what you’re surrounded with, Kate. Not just me, but St. Skin. If it weren’t for you, there would be no St. Skin. You played as much of a part in that place as myself and Tate. And all those guys would die for you and for Jason. At my command… they would do anything. We’re a family. Sometimes families break apart for a little while, but they always find a way to get back together. Now is the time to accept your family and fight back.”
I pulled Kate close as she started to cry again.
I knew words were just intentions waiting to come to action. I knew nothing about the legal system. And if things did turn out where Jed could see Jason, I’d walk that road with Kate. I’d walk any road with her.
She slowly looked up at me, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Thank you, Sawyer.”
“For what?”
“For being here. For letting me yell at you.”
“Hey. Everything you said to me and about me was true. And right. I can’t speak it because I can’t change it.”
“It wasn’t the time and place.”
“Yes it was. It’s what your heart wants. We should get some sleep. Things are going to get busy. But it’s going to work out.”
Kate touched my face and slipped her hands to the back of my neck and pulled. I leaned down and kissed her. I tasted her lips, her tongue, the saltiness of her tears. It was a slow kiss, the kind where fires of passion were ignited, like pouring gasoline on a fire.