“I love you,” Ward blurted at his wife. “Just tell me what to do.”
She stared at him like she might want to punch him. Then her expression melted into affection. “I love you, too. Even though you did this to me.”
I rolled my eyes. We had actual work to do here. They could be all lovey-dovey once the baby was out.
“Ok,” I told Emma, “When I tell you to push, you’re going to push as hard as you can, ok? In the meantime, I need a medical history…”
The baby, a healthy boy that I estimated at about seven pounds, was born at five-forty-five p.m., two days before Easter. The other baby, a girl who was slightly larger, was born at five-fifty-nine p.m. Emma and Ward hadn’t known she was pregnant with twins.
“I don’t understand,” Ward said to me, looking at his two beet-red, tiny babies as a nearly unconscious Emma was loaded into an ambulance at six p.m., “how can they just miss a baby on the scans? How does that happen?”
I shook my head at him. The babies were about as perfect as they came, and the labor had been uneventful. We’d all witnessed a tiny miracle today. Well, two actually.
“I know it seems bizarre, but it actually happens all the time,” I told him. “Sometimes when the womb is tilted it can be hard to get a good look at things, or one baby is positioned oddly, or they’re both aligned inside the uterus… there are just a bunch of reasons why they might have missed the second one.”
“But we were only expecting one,” Ward said, staring at the babies in shock. He was holding one in both of his massive arms. They were big babies, but they looked laughably small in his hands. They looked like little, sleeping toys. Actually, I secretly thought all babies looked a bit like Winston Churchill but that was neither here nor there…
“No takebacks,” I told him.
He smirked at me, but it was short lived. “But we only prepared for one. The nursery is pink. Everything is pink. We only picked out a girl’s name, too. Kate, after my sister.”
“Look on the bright side,” I told him. “Some people aren’t prepared at all.” Like me. I was totally unprepared for fatherhood. I wasn’t even prepared for marriage.
“I’ve thought of a name for the boy,” Emma said, surprising us both and the paramedics. We thought she was asleep.
“You have?” Ward asked, handing her one of the babies when she reached out.
She nodded, nestling the baby in the crook of her arm like she knew what she was doing. She brushed the baby’s tiny face with her fingertips and gazed down adoringly. “Yes, I did.” She then grinned at us both and her green eyes were bright and mischievous. “How about ‘Eric’?”
47
Faith
I was prepared to tender my resignation when I returned to work the next day, but I hadn’t been expecting to be summoned to Dr. Koels office. A feeling of déjà vu started to percolate through me as I made the long trek up to the fourteenth floor. It was only amplified when I saw Eric standing in the reception area.
I swallowed hard. He was so devastatingly handsome. It had only been a couple of days since I’d seen him, but already he looked like a stranger to me. He wasn’t mine.
It took all of my courage, but I managed to gather enough confidence to stride forward and tap him on the shoulder. He jumped.
“Faith.” His voice was low and surprised. “I didn’t expect you to be here.”
“You got the summons too?” I asked, echoing our conversation from January first.
He frowned and nodded. His reply was whispered. “I thought you’d come clean to Koels and he was going to fire me.”
“I wouldn’t betray you to Koels.” I took a deep breath. “I’m quitting. I’m going to move back to New York. I’ve already broken my lease. I figured it would be easier on both of us if I just left.”
Eric frowned. “I need to talk to you. Yesterday, I figured something out—”
We weren’t able to continue our conversation, because Koels poked his head out of his office. “Come on kids, we’re ready for you.” He wasn’t smiling, and his tone was tense. My blood ran cold.
Eric and I exchanged a wary look. I was fully prepared to quit and leave this hospital and Austin, forever. But I didn’t want that for Eric. He deserved to have his promotion. He could do such good work and save so many lives if he were allowed to continue. I wasn’t going to let him get fired if I could help it.
We entered Dr. Koels’ office and the first thing I saw was my mother. She was sitting in one of the leather club chairs and smiling like the devil. My jaw went slack in an instant.
“Mom?” I managed. I’d felt out of my depth before, but this was on another level. Suddenly my mind was spinning with possibilities that were all more complicated than the ones I was already struggling to contend with. I didn’t know what I would do if things got more complicated…
“Have a seat, Faith and Eric,” she said. “Marty and I will explain everything.”
Eric looked even more confused than me. We settled back on the cushy chairs the same way that we had three and a half months ago. We’d made it through the gauntlet of our fake wedding. Only now we were going to fail anyway. My mom had been right all alone. No good comes from lying.
Koels’ regarded us seriously over his dark wooden desk. “Thank you for coming today,” he said, “Rosary and I have got a few things to discuss with you both.”
We both nodded silently. After a moment, Koels’ cleared his throat. He looked uncharacteristically nervous. “Faith, I don’t want this to come as a shock to you, but I know what you and Eric have been up to.”
My lips parted. “You do?”
Which part? I wasn’t even sure what Eric and I had been up to, exactly. All I knew was that my heart was broken.
Oblivious to my inner turmoil, Koels nodded. “Yes. I know you didn’t want me to court your mother, and I understand you were just trying to protect her, but I couldn’t stay away.” He sent an adoring look her way.
I coughed. “What?”
Court her? Couldn’t he just say ‘date her’? Something about his seriousness and the old-fashioned language made me want to smile, but my overriding panic stomped it out.
Koels was continuing seriously. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I wrote her a letter, and we’ve been carrying on a correspondence for some time. I’m quite smitten with her and I think the feeling is mutual.” She nodded encouragingly at him and his cheeks turned pink.
I blinked at him and then at her, rendered mute in shock. “Oh.” I managed to stutter after a few deep breaths. I wondered how much she’d told him, or he’d told her. My mind was continuing to spin like a disco ball, casting indecision like reflections. Eric and I had not considered the prospect of Dr. Koels writing my mom a love letter. That was so ridiculously old fashioned that I never would have thought of it. In hindsight, I should have known better. It was exactly the sort of thing that she would love. “Ok.”
“We didn’t talk about you at all,” my mom added after a moment, “if it makes you feel better.” Koels shrugged and my mom winked.
I was gaping like a fish.
“Why are you telling us this, now?” Eric asked. He looked about as confused as I felt.
Koels looked at Eric and his expression shifted. “Oh, that’s right. We did have a reason, didn’t we?” He shook his head. “Every time I get to thinking about Rosary, I get so distracted.” His smile was rueful, and he sent another love-struck gaze toward my mom, which she reciprocated in a way that made me feel vaguely uncomfortable. “Well, aside from not wanting to lie to either of you, I’ve made a few decisions about the hospital that are going affect the both of you. First, I’m not retiring. Rosary has inspired me and I’ve decided to stay on as long as I have the strength to do my job effectively. Second, Rosary and I are going to try and make a go of this as a couple. Rosary has agreed to move in with me, and we wanted you both to know right away.”
My mom was moving in with Koels? I was going to be alone to raise this baby? My pulse wa
s so loud in my ears that I could barely hear. “Mom, you’re moving out?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” she said, “I know it’s soon, but when you know something is right, you just have to go for it.”
I nodded distantly. “I’m happy for you.” I’d never felt so utterly alone. “I, um, I need some time to process this.”
“Of course,” Koels said, nodding and rising. “I figured you would want some time. Why don’t you and Eric go get lunch.”
I nodded again, and Eric got up and took my hand. He was still pretending to be my husband, but at the moment, I couldn’t muster the energy to fight him. I could use the support. I sort-of slumped against him.
“Thank you for telling us all this,” Eric was saying politely. “We’re both very happy for you.”
Some other pleasantries may have been exchanged, but I wasn’t paying attention. All I could think about was how good Eric’s hand felt in mine, and how lost and frightened I was.
When Eric found out about the baby, if he found out, he was going to hate me. I still believed that keeping the truth from him was what was best for his mental health and future. But now, my mom wouldn’t be here for me. She was moving on with her life, and while I wanted happiness for her, and love, I needed her. She’d clearly done me the favor of not outing me to Koels, but I needed more than her silence. I needed her. I didn’t know how to raise a baby alone. I didn’t know how to raise a baby, period.
Eric eventually led me out of Dr. Koels’ office and into the elevator. I followed him blindly. Eventually I found myself in the parking garage with him. I woke up a little bit and turned to tell him that I would go alone, only to be lifted off my feet, pinned against a car, and kissed for all I was worth.
I started crying immediately.
48
Eric
Faith started crying when I kissed her, which was not at all what I wanted. I pulled back in an instant. The tears were pouring down her face even more forcefully than the day her mom had been in the hospital. I didn’t know what to do but I wanted to comfort her, so I tried wrapping my arms around her.
“I’m sorry,” she sobbed at me. “I just can’t do this. Please just let me go,” she begged, pushing against my chest to make me back up to steps and sidestepping out of my grasp.
“I know you’re pregnant,” I told her, blurting it out into the echoing darkness of the parking garage and not caring who heard. The time for pretending was over. I only wanted the truth now. “I know you’re pregnant, and I love you and want to be with you.”
She gasped and gaped at me. Moments ticked by in silence.
“How can you say that?” she finally stuttered.
“How can I not say that?” I fired back. “I love you, Faith. I know this wasn’t how either of us expected these last few months to go, but I’m in love with you. I never thought I wanted to be married, and I never thought I wanted a baby, but the truth is that I want you, and now I want what you want.”
She sniffled and her expression turned fearful. “What if I don’t know what I want?”
“Do you love me?” I asked, half-afraid to hear the answer. Perhaps she’d decided that she didn’t. Perhaps she was sure that she wanted me out of her life forever.
But she didn’t say that. She just looked down at the ground and cried. I waited. It took all the strength I had inside of me not to beg her for an answer, but I waited. I’d learned not to push Faith when she was emotional. I had to do things at her pace. She’d answer me when she was ready.
“I’m not sure if loving you is enough,” she finally said. “For whatever it’s worth, yes, I love you. I love you so much it makes my heart break, because I know that I’ve trapped you into something you never wanted. You never wanted to be married to me, or to anyone. You don’t want children.”
“I want this child,” I told her. I shook my head. “I want our child. You’re right that I thought I never wanted to be married or have children but that was before I met you. You changed everything for me, Faith. I know it sounds insane, but when I think about my future now, I can’t imagine a life that doesn’t include you and this baby.”
“You don’t mean that.” Her expression was sad. “You’re saying that out of obligation.”
I got down on one knee to do this proposal properly. “I do mean it.” I’d been carrying around my grandmother’s ring for months now. At first, I didn’t realize why I was doing it. But now I knew it was because I was waiting for the right moment to give the ring back to Faith. This was almost definitely not the right moment, since she was crying and thinking I wanted her only out obligation, but I had to try. “Marry me, Faith. Marry me for real. Marry me for good.”
She gasped. In the low light of the parking garage’s fluorescent lighting, the ring still sparkled. It glowed. I prayed that it tempted her.
“Eric, I don’t think you understand what this means. Our lives are never going to be the same.”
“It means that I want to be married to you for the rest of my life,” I promised her. “It means that I want to raise our baby together and be a family. Look, I know that I didn’t exactly have a great blueprint for how families work growing up. I know that I don’t have a great family history, either. But I know what I want. I want you.”
Her tears were still falling from her eyes and smearing her mascara down her face.
“Please say something,” I begged her. I was still on my knees.
“I want to say yes,” she whispered. I could see it in her eyes that it was true. “I want to believe you.”
“Then believe me. When have I ever lied to you? Faith, I’m yours if you want me. I’ll be yours forever.”
Her voice was just above a whisper. “I want you.” She took a deep breath. “Eric, I want you,” she said in a stronger tone. “I need you.”
I sprung up and slid the ring on her finger before wrapping my arms around her. “Good.”
She laughed through her tears. “I thought I was going to be alone. I was so scared, Eric. I was so scared.”
I rocked her back and forth, hating that it was my complex about marriage and kids that had made her so frightened. If not for my neuroses, my weakness, she never would have needed to cry. “You’re never going to be alone, Faith. I promise you.”
49
Faith
“This isn’t even the real wedding,” I heard my mom telling one of her friends from church at the wedding reception in May. “It’s really just so we can have a party. They were married by the Bishop himself on New Year’s.”
My mom’s friend nodded sagely and pushed her bifocals higher up her nose. “Well that’s really all that matters.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at both of them, but just barely. There was no asking old Catholic ladies to change their ways. It was better just to smile and nod.
The reception was starting to wind down, and for the first time all night, I was actually able to take stock of the situation. Around me, friends and family were happy, well-fed, and sharing in our celebration. I might need to pee every five minutes, I couldn’t drink the champagne, and I’d only gotten about three bites of food, and it felt bizarre to be the center of attention, but this was still just about the perfect wedding. After all, I was marrying Eric.
Despite what my mom was telling her friends, I was officially a pregnant bride today. I’d bought a ‘maternity’ wedding dress. I wasn’t really carrying around a huge belly yet, I just looked a bit round, but there was no hiding the bump. Still, my dress was beautiful. It was all white lace, and I’d opted for something tea-length rather than long because I feared I would just trip all over myself. I could still see and reach my feet for the time being, but I didn’t want to take any chances.
I’d waddled my happy way down the aisle to marry Eric again without any Catholic shame, however. I didn’t remember enough from our first wedding to really count it as real. As far as I was concerned, this was our real wedding and we were going into it for all the right reasons. And
sober, too.
Eric appeared at my side, looking devastatingly handsome in his tux. “Do you want to dance?”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “Wasn’t that what got us into this mess in the first place?” I seemed to recall him saying once that he would do anything to get me to dance with him. Anything.
He grinned at me, looking so handsome my heart pounded. I didn’t think that butterfly feeling was ever going to go away, although it still almost made my heart hurt to think how close I’d come to losing him. At least all that was behind us now.
“It was all worth it,” he replied, grabbing my hand and pulling me with him onto the dance floor. With our baby between us in my belly, slow dancing was a bit less intimate now than it had been. “Every bit of it was worth it.”
I couldn’t help but agree with him. Even though I wouldn’t recommend doing it the way we had, everything worked out. We were married. We were having a baby. We got the promotions we wanted. My mom even got a boyfriend out the whole situation (Dr. Koels was her date tonight). I couldn’t ask for a better outcome.
The gigantic emerald sparkled on my ring finger, and I tilted the hand on Eric’s shoulder to admire it. It was simply gorgeous, even if it did make me look a little like a mafia wife. And now, finally, I really felt like it was mine.
“It looks good on you,” Eric told me, noticing my focus.
“Yeah, it’s perfect,” I agreed. I knew that I would have to go back to my job of touching random bodily fluids and other unmentionables, but for now, I never wanted to take it off.
“Hey Faith,” Caroline said, coming up from my left, “are you going to toss the bouquet?”
I grinned at her and she looked like she might vibrate right out of her high heels. “Are you even going to give anyone else a chance to catch it?” I questioned.
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