ARISTARKH (bowing). Good day, honored sir.
KUROSLEPOV. No, who’s that poor thing?
ARISTARKH (with a sigh). A little fish.
KUROSLEPOV. So why is it a poor thing?
ARISTARKH. Because a big fish treats it badly.
KUROSLEPOV. You and your fish. But if you’re getting too big for your breeches, then…
GRADOBOEV. You’ve said enough already; you’re not going to add anything that makes sense.
KUROSLEPOV. And when was it you became godfather to my child? It was when I didn’t have money.
GRADOBOEV. Let’s go, let’s go. There’s refreshments waiting for us. (He leads Kuroslepov away.)
ARISTARKH. Why do I like to catch pike? Because it harms the other fish. It’s a big fish with teeth, so it grabs. A poor little fish can flounder and flounder about, but there’s no way it can get away from the pike!
A song is heard in the distance.
What’s that? Our people? They came at a good time.
A boat approaches. In it stands Khlynov without a jacket, his arms akimbo. Also in it are six rowers and a gentleman with a large mustache.
Why are you people carrying on like hooligans, you’re frightening the fish! (To Khlynov.) Look at you, you’ve been getting drunk since morning. A man can’t hide from you anywhere.
Khlynov and the gentleman with the mustache are helped out onto the dock.
KHLYNOV (importantly). How can you talk like that, brother! The river’s not prohibited to anyone.
ARISTARKH. Come here, brother, over here. (He leads Khlynov to the front of the stage.) If you want to be a merchant to make people sit up and take notice, then stop pouring champagne on the sand! Nothing’s going to grow there.
KHLYNOV. All right, brother, cut it short! I don’t have time now to listen to your sermons…
ARISTARKH. Look, do at least one good deed. Then people will start talking about you. Then you’ll show yourself to good advantage.
KHLYNOV. I can do anything…
ARISTARKH. Do you know Vasily Shustry? He’s in jail, but he’s innocent. You take him out on bail.
KHLYNOV. That’s of no consequence! Speak faster brother! You can see I don’t have much time.
ARISTARKH. He’s being sent into the army simply out of spite, but you can buy him off; he’ll earn the money back for you. You can hire a volunteer replacement for him or you can buy an exemption11.
KHLYNOV. This is such a worthless business you’re bothering me with, brother.
ARISTARKH. A man is being ruined unjustly, and he calls it a worthless business.
KHLYNOV. You’re not making any sense to me, brother. What kind of honor is it for me to buy him off! All those words of yours aren’t worth a thing. But this is what is all adds up to. Since Vaska has begun to understand very well how to play the tambourine and since, for that very reason, he gives me a lot of pleasure, that means I’ll settle this business in a second. Because, if I take a liking to somebody, don’t anyone dare touch him.
ARISTARKH (with a bow). Fine, as you wish, as you wish. Just don’t let them do him any harm.
KHLYNOV. How dare you give me orders! At home we can talk things over, but in town you’re no comrade of mine. Keep your distance, move back! (To the gentleman.) Sir, Your Honor, let’s go to the chief of police.
ARISTARKH. And you don’t have your jacket! That’s how to go visiting!
KHLYNOV. You heard me, keep your place! To the rear table, with the musicians! And keep all those sermons to yourself; we don’t find them very interesting.
GENTLEMAN. I’m not going, it’s not proper, it’s ill-bred.
KHLYNOV. According to my understanding, it’s just your pride.
GENTLEMAN. It’s not pride at all, mon cher, what do I have to be proud about? But it’s just not proper. You know I don’t like this trait in you. You’ll have to excuse me.
KHLYNOV. Yes, sir. And what is this trait, may I ask?
GENTLEMAN. Your swinishness!
The chief of police and Kuroslepov come out. Sidorenko is in the doorway.
KHLYNOV. Governor of our town! (He bows.) Colonel, sir, we have come to pay Your Honor a visit! Our respects to Pavlin Pavlinych, our merchant leader. (To the gentleman.) Sir, look at them, our authorities! Colonel Gradoboev and Mr. Kuroslepov, most worthy… worthy merchant. But for you and me this doesn’t matter, for we can be free and easy…
GRADOBOEV. Mr. Khlynov, you’re carrying your wild pranks too far!
KHLYNOV. Colonel, sir, you are absolutely right; there’s been more than enough of our wild pranks. Colonel, sir, please set a fine on me for my wild pranks, set a fine! Whenever I do something very bad, you say straight off, “Khlynov, a fine!” Please take the money, Colonel, sir.
KUROSLEPOV. Why are you putting on all this show?
KHLYNOV. And why shouldn’t I put on a show, Mr. Kuroslepov? My whole arsenal’s full of show. Gentlemen authorities, please give me an answer. Why are you holding Vaska Shustry?
GRADOBOEV. All right now, Mr. Khlynov, putting on a show is one thing, but don’t go meddling in other people’s business or else I’ll put some limits on you.
KHLYNOV. It’s not other people’s business at all, because at present I have need of him.
KUROSLEPOV. And we don’t like pranks in our town either.
KHLYNOV. If it’s a question of his pranks, I’ll answer for him. I’ll bail him out right now.
KUROSLEPOV. He’s going into the army from the commune. We find a place for everybody.
KHLYNOV. I’ll arrange for a replacement, Mr. Chief of Police; please release Shustry to me on bail. If gratitude is in order, we won’t let that hold things up. (He searches in his pocket.)
GENTLEMAN. That’s enough, how can you!
KHLYNOV. Shhh, not a word! Colonel, sir, please, you set the amount yourself.
GRADOBOEV. Sidorenko, go tell them to release Shustry.
SIDORENKO. Yes, sir, Your Honor! (He goes off.)
KHLYNOV. Gentlemen, please come and eat with me at my summer home. I most humbly beg you, eat my cabbage soup and porridge! And maybe we’ll scrape up some fish, some sterlet. I hear they’ve gotten tired of staying in the fish ponds; they’ve been asking for some time to be put into fish soup. We’ll drum up some wine too, I have a bottle around somewhere. And the servants won’t be idle; they’ll go down to the cellar and drag up a dozen or two bottles of champagne. Since you’re authorities, we’ll drink to your health along with a shot from the cannon, and we’ll set people in the garden to shout hurrah. You’re welcome, gentlemen!
GRADOBOEV. When you talk sense like that, it’s a real pleasure to listen to you.
KUROSLEPOV. My wife will be expecting me, she might dream up something.
KHLYNOV. We’ll send your spouse a dispatch; we’ll supply an express messenger.
Sidorenko leads in Shustry.
KHLYNOV (to Vasya). Know the proper customs! How awfully ignorant you are, brother! Bow down to the town’s governor!
Vasya bows to Gradoboev.
To his worthy honor!
Vasya bows to Kuroslepov.
To me!
Vasya bows to Khlynov.
Get into the boat and take the tambourine!
Vasya gets into the boat.
Gentlemen, please!
All get into the boat.
Aristarkh, take the rudder!
Aristarkh takes his position by the rudder.
Canteen keeper! Do your business!
One of the rowers gives him a flask of vodka and snacks to go with it.
Please, gentleman, something for the trip, so we can go in boldness.
All drink and eat.
Aristarkh, brother, watch out for the shallows and the rocks under water. As soon as you see a dangerous place, tell us so at that very moment we can take something for our insides to give us courage. We’re off! Start! Vaska, strike up the tambourine!
A song. They sail off.
ACT FOUR
&
nbsp; SCENE I
Garden at Khlynov’s summer home. Entrance to the house is at the left. Gradoboev, Kuroslepov, Khlynov, the gentleman, and Khlynov’s servants are coming out of the house.
KUROSLEPOV. That’s what I call a treat! God only help me survive it. That’s the way you could pay respects to the governor general himself. I must say it does you honor!
KHLYNOV. And why do we struggle if not for honor? That’s the one thing we hold to.
KUROSLEPOV. So, then, it’s good-bye; my horses have come for me. They’ll take me home now.
KHLYNOV. Hold on now, you can’t leave just like that. You’ve got to have a last drink for the road. (To a servant.) Hey, brother! Go see if we have any wine. I think some could be found.
The servant leaves.
GRADOBOEV. You people drink. I’ve had enough.
KHLYNOV. Colonel, sir, we have a saying: a guest is a prisoner.
GRADOBOEV. You’ve already made me enough of a prisoner.
The servant brings in a bottle of champagne.
KHLYNOV. Town governor! My respects! Brave warrior! Don’t wound your host, don’t dismay the merchant Khlynov. (He gives him a glass.)
GRADOBOEV. No, that’s an old trick. A man can’t drink all the wine you have. Drink it yourself.
KHLYNOV. Colonel, sir, if you would like to see whether your citizens behave correctly, we’ll show you straight off. (To Kuroslepov.) O leader, sir, I beg of you! (To the gentleman.) Sir, save the situation!
They drink.
It all seems right and proper. (He shows Gradoboev a glass.) Because I like things to be exactly right in my house. (To the servant.) Guess what we want, brother, guess what we want.
SERVANT. It’s ready sir. (He serves another bottle.)
KUROSLEPOV. No, really, you’ll have to excuse me, or else I won’t make it home, I’ll fall out of the carriage.
KHLYNOV. We’ll send somebody with you.
KUROSLEPOV. You’re stubborn, but I’m even more stubborn. You can kill me, but I won’t drink any more. I did you the favor, let it stop there. Besides, you should see the dreams I’ve started having. Lord! Always wild animals, and they have trunks, always grabbing at you and catching you, and with the sky falling… Good-bye, I’m going. (He starts off.)
KHLYNOV. Don’t forget us!
KUROSLEPOV. Your humble guest. (He leaves.)
KHLYNOV. Hey, boys! Put Mr. Kuroslepov into his carriage. And if he doesn’t prove to be a real fortress, then one of you sit opposite him and hold him by the shoulders till he gets home. (He wants to go along.)
GENTLEMAN. You stay here with the colonel. I’ll see him off. (He goes off. Several follow him.)
KHLYNOV (with a glass on a tray). Colonel, sir, you first!
GRADOBOEV. I’m not going to! Am I speaking to you in Russian or not?
KHLYNOV. I have a rule, sir. If a man won’t drink up, then we pour it on his head.
GRADOBOEV. A lot I need to know your rules. You have a rule, but I have a cane.
KHLYNOV. You won’t win, Colonel, sir; we’ll pour it on you. I’ll make a bet with you on it.
GRADOBOEV. You just try! What I’ll do to you!
KHLYNOV. You won’t do a thing to me, that’s how I understand it.
GRADOBOEV. You’ll get such a sentence there won’t be room for you in Siberia.
KHLYNOV. I’m not frightened, Colonel, sir; don’t try to scare me! Really, you better not try to scare me! Because that only makes it worse. And would you like to make a bet I’m not afraid of anything? I’ll reason it out good and clear for you right now. Let’s just suppose you do something bad to me. At that very moment I go straight to the governor general himself. And the very first word from His Excellency will be this: “You, Khlynov, are doing all kinds of disgraceful things!” And I’ll answer, “I do those disgraceful things, Your Excellency, because of the way I was brought up, lots of beatings but no good from them. I’ve heard that your fire brigade needs to have some repairs made, and that’s a matter I can take care of without charge.” “So,” he’ll say to me, “Is it true that you have a violent disposition?” “It’s violent, Your Excellency, I don’t like my disposition myself, I’m a wild beast. And the jails are in bad shape too, Your Excellency. Next thing you know the prisoners will escape. That too is something I can take care of without charge.” So there you have our policy, Colonel, sir. But that’s not all. From him I’ll go to his wife. “Wouldn’t it give you pleasure, dear lady, if I built a house in town for the orphans, as a donation?” Because not only can I see her whenever I want, but I’ve even had tea and coffee with her there, and rather offhanded too. So that’s how it is, Colonel, sir, and what it all comes down to is that it’s not very profitable for chiefs of police to quarrel with me. They might frighten other people, but for me they’re nothing at all. So you better not try passing sentence on me, for I can outsmart you straightaway. You better just fine me for my disgraceful acts a hundred rubles in silver. (He offers the wine.) Please, don’t stand on ceremony!
GRADOBOEV (takes the glass). You leper you! I wasn’t so afraid of the Turks as I’m afraid of you devils! It’s against my will that I’m drinking for you, you barbarian. When will you choke on your damn wine!
KHLYNOV. All this, Colonel, sir, has been done for your benefit… If sometimes it seems a lot to take, at other times it can happen to be even more…
GRADOBOEV. Happen! This happens with you every day.
KHLYNOV. Maybe so. But if it’s done with prayer and, the main thing, nobody tells on me… what harm can there be!
GRADOBOEV. Good-bye! You’re not going to tempt here again soon.
The gentleman returns.
KHLYNOV. But why is that, sir! And here we were hoping you’d be our constant guest. (He takes out his wallet.) Allow me! (He gives him three one-hundred-ruble notes.) Consider this a fine.
GRADOBOEV. Oh you, you shouldn’t do that!
KHLYNOV (embraces him and forces the money into Gradoboev’s pocket). It’s impossible not to! I can’t let you go without a present. We too understand very well what your job is like.
GRADOBOEV. You’ve broken me, you devil.
KHLYNOV. It’s not your fault, so please don’t worry about it, because it was forced on you.
GRADOBOEV. Well, good-bye. Thank you.
They kiss.
KHLYNOV. You people there! See off the town governor. Stand at attention.
All but the gentleman leave. Vasya enters.
GENTLEMAN. Well, how’s your business coming along?
VASYA. I got the exemption, but I don’t know about Mr. Khlynov… He…
GENTLEMAN. He’ll pay the money.
VASYA. You think he’ll really pay?
GENTLEMAN. He’ll pay all right, only he’ll make a clown out of you.
VASYA. But why should I make a fool of myself!
GENTLEMAN. You mean you don’t want to? You’d rather go into the army?
VASYA. Of course.
GENTLEMAN. No, you have to be joking! I’ve seen enough people of your stripe. You’re just not the soldier type; your knee joints aren’t firm. You’re made to be a clerk, to curl your hair and grease it, dangle a bronze watch chain, copy tender poetry in a notebook, that’s what you’re made for. You’re just no good for the soldier life. But here comes Khlynov himself; talk with him.
Vasya steps back timidly. Khlynov and several servants enter.
KHLYNOV. They’ve gone. Well, here I’m left, my friend! Because of all my money I have to die of boredom.
GENTLEMAN. You’re bored of your own free will!
KHLYNOV. But what am I supposed to do? Run up and down? Look at you in wonder? See what kinds of patterns you’ve got on you?
GENTLEMAN. In the first place, you be more careful how you express yourself. And in the second place, you have Aristarkh for that, to think up distractions for you.
KHLYNOV. Yes, and he probably hasn’t thought up a thing. I told him a little while ago: sit, brother, don’t mov
e, think up something for me to do tonight. (To a servant.) Where’s Aristarkh?
SERVANT. Here, in the garden. He’s lying under a tree.
KHLYNOV. Thinking?
SERVANT. No, he’s playing a pipe; he wants to attract the hawks.
KHLYNOV. He was told to think, and he’s playing a pipe. Call him here right now.
The servant leaves. Khlynov, catching sight of Vasya, sits down in an armchair, sprawls out, and speaks with a tone of importance.
So, you’re here! Come here, I want to talk with you. Because I, brother, in view of your poverty, wish to be your benefactor,
Vasya bows.
and about that very matter I want to ask you what your thoughts are.
VASYA. We got the exemption, sir.
KHLYNOV. And what might be the going rate on such documents?
VASYA. You mean the price, sir?
KHLYNOV. Look, brother, you should have understood that right off. I can’t repeat things ten times for every no-account fellow.
VASYA. Four hundred rubles, sir.
KHLYNOV. And exactly where were you hoping to get that money from?
VASYA (bowing low). Don’t abandon me, Tarakh Tarasych!
KHLYNOV. Do you imagine, brother, that your bows are worth an awful lot?
VASYA. God will provide. Daddy and I’ll get ourselves straightened out, and at that time and with our gratitude you’ll be…
KHLYNOV. How dare you, brother, and at my own summer home, say such things! Do you think I’m your equal, that you can pay me back money? You want to borrow from me maybe, like friends? When I look at you, brother, I can see you don’t have any education at all! You’ve got to wait, to see what kind of mercy I might want to show. Maybe I’ll forgive you this money or maybe I’ll make you turn a somersault and call it quits. How can you know my soul when I don’t know it myself, because it all depends on what kind of a mood I’m in.
VASYA. It’s all as you will, Tarakh Tarashch, but right now I’m as good as dying.
KHLYNOV. That’s the tack you should have taken in the first place… submission… Now then, brother, here’s what I’ve decided. For me four hundred rubles isn’t worth spitting on, but for that money you’ll work for me one year, at any task I pick for you.
Without a Dowry and Other Plays Page 16