MME OGUDALOV. What blond man?
VOZHEVATOV. You’ll see right now. Enter, blond man!
Robinson enters.
I have the honor to present my new friend, Lord Robinson.
VOZHEVATOV (to Robinson). Kiss their hand.
Robinson kisses the hands of Mme. Ogudalov and Larisa.
Now, my lord, come here.
MME OGUDALOV. Why is it you order your friend about so?
VOZHEVATOV. He’s hardly been in the society of ladies at all, so he’s shy. Most of the time he’s been traveling, by water and by land, and not too long ago he almost became a complete savage on an uninhabited island. (To Karandyshov.) Let me introduce you. Lord Robinson, Yuly Kapitonych Karandyshov.
KARANDYSHOV (giving Robinson his hand). Has it been a long time since you left England?
ROBINSON. Yes.*
VOZHEVATOV (to Paratov). I taught him three words of English, and, I’ll have to confess, I don’t know much more myself. (To Robinson.) Why are you looking at the champagne? Kharita Ignatyevna, may we?
MME OGUDALOV. Please do.
VOZHEVATOV. The English, you know, drink champagne all day long, from morning on.
MME OGUDALOV. Do you really drink all day long?
ROBINSON. Yes.*
VOZHEVATOV. They have three meals, and then they have dinner from six o’clock to twelve.
MME OGUDALOV. Can that be possible?
ROBINSON. Yes.*
VOZHEVATOV (to Robinson). All right, you pour.
ROBINSON (pouring the glasses). If you please.*
They drink.
PARATOV (to Karandyshov). Invite him to dinner too. He and I go everywhere together, I can’t manage without him.
KARANDYSHOV. What shall I call him?
PARATOV. But who ever calls them by name! You say, “Lord, my lord…”
KARANDYSHOV. But is he really a lord?
PARATOV. Of course he’s not a lord, but they like to be called that. Or you could simply say “Sir Robinson.”
KARANDYSHOV (to Robinson). Sir Robinson, would you do me the honor of dining at my place tonight?
ROBINSON. I thank you.*
KARANDYSHOV (to Mme. Ogudalov). Kharita Ignatyevna, I’m going home, I have some arrangements to make. (Bowing to all.) I await you, gentlemen. I have the honor to present my salutations! (He goes off.)
PARATOV (takes his hat). And it’s time for us to go too; we have to rest up from the trip.
VOZHEVATOV. To get ready for the dinner.
MME OGUDALOV. Wait a little, gentleman, not all at once.
Mme. Ogudalov and Larisa follow Karandyshov into the anteroom.
VOZHEVATOV. Did you like her fiancé?
PARATOV. What’s there to like! Who could like him! What’s more, he talks like a web-footed goose.
VOZHEVATOV. Did something happen?
PARATOV. We had a few words. He was in a big hurry to show that he’s somebody, he got the idea of trying to show off. But you just wait, my little friend, I’m going to have fun with you, my little friend. (Striking his forehead.) Oh, I just had a brilliant thought! Now then, Robinson, I have a hard job for you, so you try hard…
VOZHEVATOV. What is it?
PARATOV. It’s this …(Listening.) They’re coming. I’ll tell you later, gentlemen.
Mme. Ogudalov and Larisa enter.
I have the honor to present my salutations.
VOZHEVATOV Good-bye.
They bow.
ACT THREE
Karandyshov’s study. A room furnished pretentiously but without taste. On one wall, over a divan, is hung a tapestry on which a gun is suspended. Three doors, one in the middle, two on the sides. Yefrosinya Potapovna is on stage. Ivan is coming in through the door on the left.
IVAN. Some lemons, please!
YEFROSINYA POTAPOVNA. What kind of lemons, viper?
IVAN. Messina lemons, ma’am.
YEFROSINYA POTAPOVNA. Why do you have to have them?
IVAN. After dinner some of the gentlemen are drinking coffee but others tea, so they need lemon for their tea.
YEFROSINYA POTAPOVNA. You people have plumb worn me out tonight. Give them cranberry water, it’s all the same. Take my decanter over there, but be careful with it, it’s old; as it is, the stopper hardly sticks, it’s held in with sealing wax. Come on, I’ll do the serving myself. (She goes off through the middle door, Ivan after her.)
Mme. Ogudalov and Larisa enter from the left.
LARISA. Oh Mama, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
MME OGUDALOV. It’s just what I expected of him.
LARISA. What a dinner, what a dinner! And as if that wasn’t enough, he had to invite Moky Parmenych! What is he trying to do?
MME OGUDALOV. Yes, he gave them a treat, you’ll have to say that.
LARISA. Oh, how awful it was! There’s nothing worse than the embarrassment you have to feel for somebody else. We’re not guilty of anything ourselves, but it’s all so embarrassing you just want to run off somewhere. But he doesn’t seem to notice a thing. He’s even in high spirits.
MME OGUDALOV. But on what basis could he notice anything? He doesn’t know anything, he’s never seen how decent people eat. He still thinks he’s astounded everybody with his splendor, and so he’s feeling good. But haven’t you really noticed? They’re getting him drunk on purpose.
LARISA. Oh, oh! Stop him, stop him!
MME OGUDALOV. How are you going to stop him! He’s not a child any more, it’s time for him to live without a nursemaid.
LARISA. But he isn’t stupid, how is it he doesn’t see it!
MME OGUDALOV. He’s not stupid, but he’s vain. They’re playing a trick on him; they praise his wines, and that makes him glad. They themselves only pretend to be drinking, but they keep adding to his glass.
LARISA. Oh! I’m so afraid, I’m afraid of the whole business. Why are they doing it?
MME OGUDALOV. They just want to have a little fun.
LARISA. But don’t they realize it’s torture for me?
MME OGUDALOV. But there’s no need for you to torture yourself. Look, Larisa, you haven’t seen anything yet, and already you’re in torture. What will it be like later?
LARISA. What’s done is done, and one can only regret it, there’s no way to make amends.
Yefrosinya Potapovna enters.
YEFROSINYA POTAPOVNA. You’ve finished eating already? Would you like some tea?
MME OGUDALOV. No, we can dispense with that.
YEFROSINYA POTAPOVNA. And what are those men doing?
MME OGUDALOV. They’re sitting there, talking.
YEFROSINYA POTAPOVNA. Well, they’ve eaten, and they ought to get up. What else are they waiting for? This dinner’s already worn me out; what trouble, what expense! Cooks are highway robbers, this one comes into the kitchen like some conqueror, you don’t even dare say a word to him!
MME OGUDALOV. But what’s there to talk about with him? If he’s a good cook, then you don’t have to teach him anything.
YEFROSINYA POTAPOVNA. I’m not talking about teaching him, but he uses up such an awful lot of stuff. If it were our own things, from the house or the estate, I wouldn’t say a word, but they’re bought things, and expensive, so I feel bad about them. Imagine, he insists on having sugar, and vanilla, and fish glue, but that vanilla costs dear and the fish glue even dearer. If he’d only put in just a bit of flavoring, but he piles it on for no reason at all; your heart goes dead just looking at him.
MME OGUDALOV. Yes, of course, for people who are used to being economical…
YEFROSINYA POTAPOVNA. Being economical has nothing to do with it when a man’s gone out of his head. Now you take the fish, that sterlet. Doesn’t it taste the same whether the fish is large or small? But the difference in price, how great that is! About five rubles would have been plenty for everything, but he went and paid half a ruble for each fish.
MME OGUDALOV. With all he spent on the dinner there could have been a good time on the Volga.
It wouldn’t hurt him to grow up.
YEFROSINYA POTAPOVNA. Well, you know, a ruble here and a ruble there, a man can pay that if he has a lot of money. When it’s a head official or some bishop, that sort of thing’s all right, but who else can afford it! He was going to buy some expensive wine, at a ruble and more, but the merchant turned out to be an honest man. Take it, he says, at sixty kopecks a bottle, and I’ll stick on any labels you want! And what wine he gave us! You’ve got to give him credit. I tried a small glass. It’s flavored with cloves, and it’s flavored with roses, and something else besides. How could it be cheap with so many expensive flavors in it! So it costs a lot of money, sixty kopecks a bottle; it’s really worth serving. But we don’t have the money to pay dear prices, we live on a salary. A neighbor of ours now got married, and for his dowry they brought him lots of downy things, some feather beds and pillows, all good. And besides all that there were furs: fox, marten, sable! When all that comes into a household a man can afford to spend something. But then an official next to us got married, and for all of his dowry they brought him a lot of old pianos. A man won’t get rich that way. In any case, we don’t have any reason to put on a show.
LARISA (to Mme. Ogudalov). I ought to run away from here and just follow my nose.
MME OGUDALOV. I’m afraid that’s impossible.
YEFROSINYA POTAPOVNA. If you don’t feel well, then feel free to go to my room; when the men come and smoke here, you can’t even breathe. But what am I doing standing here! I’ve got to run and check the silver and lock it up. People nowadays don’t have any conscience.
Mme. Ogudalov and Larisa go off through the door on the right. Yefrosinya Potapovna goes off through the center door. From the door on the left enter Paratov, Knurov, and Vozhevatov.
KNUROV. Gentlemen, I’m going to the club to eat. I didn’t eat a thing.
PARATOV. Wait, Moky Parmenych.
KNUROV. This is the first time something like this has happened to me. He invites well-known people to dinner, but there’s nothing to eat… He’s a stupid man, gentlemen.
PARATOV. We won’t argue that. You have to do him justice, he’s really stupid.
KNUROV. And he got tipsy himself before the others could.
VOZHEVATOV. We did pretty well getting him ready for it.
PARATOV. Yes, I put my plan into operation. A little while ago I had the inspiration of getting him good and drunk to see what would come of it.
KNUROV. So that was planned by you?
PARATOV. We agreed on it in advance. It’s in cases like these, gentlemen, that your Robinsons are so valuable.
VOZHEVATOV. He’s not a man, he’s gold.
PARATOV. To get the host drunk you should drink along with him yourself, but you can hardly swallow that mixture he calls wine. But Robinson, his very being is sustained by imitation wines, all that’s nothing to him. He drinks it and says it’s good; he tries this one and some other, compares them, smacks his lips with the air of a connoisseur. But he won’t drink without his host, and that’s where our host got caught. When a man’s not used to drinking, it doesn’t take much to get him high in a hurry.
KNUROV. That’s funny, only I’m terribly hungry, gentlemen.
PARATOV. You’ll still manage to get something. Be patient awhile longer, we’ll ask Larisa Dmitriyevna to sing something.
KNUROV. That’s another matter. But where is Robinson?
VOZHEVATOV. They’re still drinking there.
Robinson enters.
ROBINSON (falling onto the divan). Oh Lord, help! Well, Serge, you’ll have to answer to God for me.
PARATOV. What’s the matter, are you drunk?
ROBINSON. Drunk! Have I ever really complained about that? If I could get drunk, that would be lovely, I couldn’t want anything better. I came here with that good intention, and it’s with that good intention I live in this world. It’s the goal of my life.
PARATOV. Then what’s the matter with you?
ROBINSON. I’ve been poisoned, I’m going to shout for help right now.
PARATOV. Which wine did you drink most of?
ROBINSON. Who knows? Am I some kind of chemist? Even a druggist couldn’t figure it out.
PARATOV. But what was on the bottle, what did the label say?
ROBINSON. The bottle said “Burgundy,” but inside was some kind of weak brandy. I won’t get off easy from that concoction, I can feel it already.
VOZHEVATOV. That sort of thing happens sometimes. When they make the wine they put in too much of something, out of proportion. It’s easy to make a mistake, a man isn’t a machine. Perhaps they put in too many poisonous mushrooms?
ROBINSON. It’s not a laughing matter! A man is perishing, and you’re glad.
VOZHEVATOV. That’s enough! You deserve to die, Robinson.
ROBINSON. Now that’s really nonsense, I don’t agree to die… Oh, I wonder how this wine will cripple me.
VOZHEVATOV. One eye is sure to pop out, just wait.
Off stage is heard the voice of Karandyshov: “Hey, give us some Burgundy!”
ROBINSON. There it is, you can hear it, that Burgundy again! Save me, I’m perishing! Serge, have a little pity on me. After all, I’m in the flower of life, gentlemen, I show great promise. Why must art be deprived…
PARATOV. Don’t cry now, I’ll cure you. I know how to help you; it’ll all go away like magic.
Karandyshov enters with a box of cigars.
ROBINSON (looking at the tapestry). What’s that you have there?
KARANDYSHOV. Cigars.
ROBINSON. No, what’s that hung there? Stage properties?
KARANDYSHOV. What do you mean, stage properties? Those are Turkish guns.
PARATOV. So now we know who’s to blame that the Austrians can’t beat the Turks.
KARANDYSHOV. What? What kind of joke is that! Really, what nonsense! How am I to blame?
PARATOV. You took all their worthless good-for-nothing guns from them, and, out of grief, they supplied themselves with good English weapons.
VOZHEVATOV. Yes, yes, that’s who’s to blame! Now we know. You know, the Austrians won’t thank you for that.
KARANDYSHOV. But what’s wrong with them? This pistol, for instance. (He takes a pistol from the wall.)
PARATOV (takes the pistol from him). This pistol?
KARANDYSHOV. Be careful! It’s loaded.
PARATOV. Don’t worry. Loaded or not, the danger from it’s just the same, it won’t fire anyway. You can shoot at me from five paces, you have my permission.
KARANDYSHOV. No, sir, even this pistol can be used.
PARATOV. Yes, to drive nails in the wall. (He throws the pistol onto the table.)
VOZHEVATOV. No, don’t say that! As the proverb says, “If you want, you can even shoot out of a stick.”
KARANDYSHOV (to Paratov). Would you like some cigars?
PARATOV. They’re expensive, right? About seven rubles a hundred, I imagine.
KARANDYSHOV. Yes, sir, about that. A top brand, a very top brand.
PARATOV. I know this brand, Regalia cabbage leaf dos amigos. I keep it for my friends, I don’t smoke it myself.
KARANDYSHOV (to Knurov). Wouldn’t you like some?
KNUROV. I don’t want your cigars, I smoke my own.
KARANDYSHOV. They’re good cigars, sir, very good.
KNUROV. So they’re good cigars, then smoke them yourself.
KARANDYSHOV (to Vozhevatov). Wouldn’t you like some?
VOZHEVATOV. For me they’re expensive, I might get spoiled. It’s not for the likes of us to nibble at the ashberry; the ashberry’s a tender berry.
KARANDYSHOV. And you, Sir Robinson, do you smoke?
ROBINSON. Me? What a question! Give me five or so! (He picks out five cigars, takes a piece of paper out of his pocket, and carefully wraps them up.)
KARANDYSHOV. But why don’t you smoke now?
ROBINSON. No, how could I! Cigars like these have to be smoked outdoors, in a good spot.
KARAND
YSHOV. But why?
ROBINSON. Because if you smoke them in a decent home, then they’ll probably give you a beating, which is something I can’t stand.
VOZHEVATOV. You don’t like it when they beat you?
ROBINSON. No, ever since childhood I’ve had an aversion to it.
KARANDYSHOV. What a character he is! Really, gentleman, what a character! You can see right off he’s an Englishman. (Loudly.) But where are the ladies? (Still more loudly.) Where are the ladies?
Mme. Ogudalov enters.
MME OGUDALOV. The ladies are here, don’t worry. (Quietly to Karandyshov.) What are you doing? Just look at yourself!
KARANDYSHOV. Me? Really now, I know myself. Just look, they’re all drunk, but I’m just a bit high. I’m happy tonight, I’m triumphant.
MME OGUDALOV. Be triumphant, only not so loudly! (She goes up to Paratov.) Sergey Sergeyich, stop making fun of Yuly Kapitonych. It hurts us to see it; you’re offending me and Larisa.
PARATOV. Oh Aunty, how could I dare do that!
MME OGUDALOV. Haven’t you really forgotten your recent quarrel? You ought to be ashamed!
PARATOV. How can you say that! I don’t hold grudges, Aunty. Very well then, to please you I’ll end all this here and now. Yuly Kapitonych!
KARANDYSHOV. What would you like?
PARATOV. How would you like to join with me in a toast to eternal friendship?
MME OGUDALOV. Now that’s something nice. Thank you!
KARANDYSHOV. To eternal friendship, you say? Please, with pleasure.
PARATOV (to Mme. Ogudalov). Ask Larisa Dmitriyevna to come here. Why is she hiding from us!
MME OGUDALOV. All right, I’ll bring her. (She goes off.)
KARANDYSHOV. So what shall we drink? Burgundy?
PARATOV. No, spare me from Burgundy! I’m a simple man.
KARANDYSHOV. What then?
PARATOV. You know what? Just for kicks let’s you and me drink some dear old cognac now. You have cognac?
KARANDYSHOV. Of course! I have everything. Hey, Ivan, bring some cognac!
PARATOV. Why bring it here, we’ll drink it there. Only tell them to serve it in regular glasses, I’ve no use for small wine glasses.
ROBINSON. Why didn’t you say before that you had cognac? How much valuable time’s been wasted!
VOZHEVATOV. Now he’s come to life!
Without a Dowry and Other Plays Page 25