“I am beginning to think,” said Ludovic, “the entire family is utterly insane. Father and Humphrey without doubt. Gerald is certainly mad. You are clearly on the way. I await my own first signal.”
“I would suggest,” smiled Brice, “with your mistress ensconced in the best guest chamber, those early signals have already arrived.”
“If you had ever met her,” said Ludovic, returning the bow with a stiff back, “instead of choosing the slander of ignorance and supposition, you’d realise her presence here is proof not of my madness, but of my sanity and plain good taste.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Alysson stretched out her right arm, staring, unblinking, flexing the fingers and twisting her wrist. She was still charmed, almost surprised, to find her muscles obeying her, her bones knitted again as neat as a fine pair of hose. But those same muscles had shrunk and become weakened and thin. The veins seemed garish, wriggling serpentine just below the pale wrinkled flesh. Alysson extended her left arm, holding the two parallel. They no longer matched. She sighed, pulling down the sleeves of her chemise again and retightening her robe.
It was six days now since the sling had been discarded, the bandages unwound and the splint finally removed. Discovering her pallid puckered skin unshrouded and again displayed, Alysson gazed for a long time, practising her grip and the feeble strength of her fingers.
She had learned to eat with her left hand, clumsy with a spoon but nimble enough with bread, pies and food already sliced. Often it had been Ludovic who had sliced it for her, sitting beside the bed as she ate, telling her absurd stories so that she laughed and spilled her soup. At first her diet had been milk sops and gruel, but by early September Ludovic had insisted she receive proper solids, red meat and custards. He had spooned much of it for her, tying her napkin around her neck like a collar, commanding her to open her mouth, and shovelling in food as a mother bird feeds its fledgling. He had even named her as such. “Now, little squab, open. Close. Chew. Now swallow. And smile.”
He had taught her chess, presenting her with his own set wrought from ebony and silver. When occasionally he failed to beat her at the game and threw down his king in surrender, Alysson scowled and called him a cheat. They had wagered at dice, with prizes of honeyed biscuits and aniseed cakes. He had told her something of his family history, not the wild stories of rape and abduction that he had recounted once before, but the quieter, sweeter tales of hard work, care for the land, character, friendship and loving. He had read to her for long hours by the lilting light of the fire, books of giants and unicorns, bloodshed and chivalry, crusade and comedy. He had read her love stories of King Arthur courting his queen, and of knights laying down their lives for their ladies.
One day, he promised, when she once more had the use of two hands, he would teach her to play the lute. “I am sadly no master,” he told her, “but I can show you the chords and some simple tunes. Then I expect the pupil to surpass her instructor.” But sometimes, after supper when the wind whistled and the fire flared, he would sit within the shadows, candles snuffed, and play the old melodies, fingering the strings with his eyes closed as if he played while half asleep and dreamed to the music.
On mild and sun pooled afternoons, he had taken her up onto the battlements to walk with him, stretching her legs and breathing deep. There she stood mesmerised as he held her steady against the breezes, gazing across the glistening miles of placid Somerset plains. The views peeled away in every direction, across meadows and pasture, field crops cut flat after harvest, orchards with the fruit ripening and heavy, and on over the cliffs to the sea, the raucous sea birds and the horizon’s shimmering haze.
He had doctored her with the salves and ointments, changing bandages, and reassuring her as her injuries healed. Finally he had held her other hand while the surgeon removed the sling, the splint and bandages, and straightened her right arm, feeling and bending it before pronouncing his satisfaction and praising his own medical expertise. Ludovic had grinned in delight. “Well, my dear. Welcome back to health and freedom.” But she had carefully not mentioned freedom herself, nor sought to leave her rooms.
Ilara had been hovering, watching just as eagerly while the doctor worked. Then, with Ludovic thrust from the chamber, she had helped Alysson into a fresh scented chemise, tied her warm blanchet around her, and brought her to the window seat. When Ludovic was permitted back into the room, Ilara had left them together and Ludovic had taken Alysson into his arms and kissed her cheek.
“Two arms indeed. I barely recognise you, little one. But you should stay here for another week at least, to fully recover your strength. The doctor will still visit daily and show you how to exercise your elbow again, and I will come as often as I can. Do you mind staying confined just a little longer? If you wish, you may come downstairs, explore the castle or sit in the hall, but it’s far too cold now to walk the battlements, and I must warn you, not all my family will welcome your presence on civil terms.”
“I’ll stay here, I think,” Alysson said. “They’re beautiful rooms. I don’t feel imprisoned here at all.”
Now six days later Ludovic came to tell her she must move, as she knew he would. He shook his head, striding over to the cushioned settle where she sat curled in front of the fire. “Family business,” he said, sitting abruptly beside her. “And I have to leave. Tomorrow morning I ride for London. But I travel alone so if you agree, you could come with me. I’d set no conditions and force no rules. There’s the house in Bedfordshire I’ve told you about, and it’s mine as near as dammit. Came into the family as part of my mother’s dowry, and will come to me by deed of gift either on her death, or before if she wishes. I’ve been there several times recently, refurnishing, overseeing the farmlands and employing new staff. It’s considerably more comfortable than the castle, though a good deal smaller of course. You might like it there.”
Alysson stared at him, confused by the sudden unexpected urgency. “But I’d be left there all alone?”
He nodded. “Sadly yes, but you could bring Ilara and I’ll be back, probably within the month.”
Alysson stumbled over the words, unable to make any decision in one moment that already she had avoided for a great deal longer. “But I haven’t – you’ve never even asked – and would I – or wouldn’t I? I mean, what would I do? You haven’t explained. Who would I be?”
Ludovic frowned, drawing her to him, one arm gentle around her shoulders, the other hand tilting up her chin to look at him. During her convalescence he had embraced her often, though always in careful friendship and never with passion. Now he kissed the tip of her nose between the two tiny silver scars that still marked each nostril. “Listen, little one. This has happened unexpectedly, and my departure brings the situation to an unfortunate climax. I meant to arrange matters in a more comfortable fashion, and ask you in a gradual and more elegant manner, certainly with a good deal more romance attached.” He paused, smiling down at her. She gazed back, unsure. “I want you as my mistress, Alysson,” he said. “I’ve made little secret of what I want, and you must have expected some sort of invitation eventually. Come with me now to Bedfordshire and I’ll set you up in style. I can afford a good deal of luxury, and I swear I’ll treat you well. You can have your own separate apartments and keep your privacy when you want it. You can bring Ilara with you, Dulce too if you wish it, and I’ll hire other female servants for you too. Once this final business with my brother is done with, I’ll live almost permanently away from Somerset. Then you can travel with me, come into London, perhaps to Flanders. I know it’s abrupt, but I’ve hinted as much for a long time. What do you say, my love?”
“You mean right away? Tomorrow?” She swallowed, catching her breath. “And I’d be –?”
“Mistress of my house. And,” he grinned down at her, “mistress of my heart.”
“That’s silly,” she turned away with a quick scowl. “You don’t even sound sincere. Just sarcastic. You never talk to me like that.”
/> “Clearly I should have.” He kissed the top of her loose curls, pulling her a little closer. “I fear your scowl is a bad sign, little one. I hoped my offer might please you. But it seems I’ve insulted you instead.”
“Oh dear.” Alysson looked down again, cuddling close to his velvet and sable warmth. “I’m not insulted. It’s not as if – well it isn’t – and anyway, I’m not stupid so I’m not surprised. It’s not an offensive invitation, at least, I don’t think it is. It’s just that I’m – terrified – of making the wrong decision.”
Ludovic sighed. “I’m not entirely sure what you mean, my love,” he said gently. “There’s nothing to be terrified about, I promise. I’ll never hurt you nor abandon you. I swear I’ll look after you, indeed one of the reasons I want you to come with me now instead of waiting until I return to do the thing properly, is frankly for your own protection. Don’t you trust me, little one?”
“I don’t think you’d want to hurt me,” said Alysson miserably. “But three years is such a little time and then I’d grow old and be so lonely and probably no one would talk to me because I wouldn’t be respectable anymore and the women in the market would turn away when I go shopping, and I’d have to stand all on my own in church and stay indoors cooking turnips with only the chickens for company. Is a little happiness really worth it, however lovely it would be for three years?”
Ludovic gazed at her with blank amazement. “You’re giving me a three year time limit?”
“Is that too much?” Alysson sniffed, burying her head deeper into his doublet lacings. “I don’t want to sound greedy, but anything less than three years would be – just – too desolate for words. A woman of thirty may be too awful for a man to contemplate but I’m still only eighteen so I don’t think I’ll grow old that quickly, and I promise I wouldn’t do any of those other things, like asking you to buy me a house and not – that is – refusing other things – until you did. I think that’s a horrid idea, even if it would be awfully useful to have a house of my own – for afterwards.”
The short and startled pause was interrupted explosively. “Jennine,” said Ludovic.
She shook her head. “Jenny’s been really helpful, and terribly kind.” Alysson extricated her newly restored right hand and wiped her eyes with the back of her knuckles. “But the trouble is, she’s so much stronger than I seem to be, and she thinks I shouldn’t care about the things I do.”
“I should have murdered the damned woman on sight,” muttered Ludovic, bringing out his own kerchief and silently handing it to Alysson.
“It’s not fair that you don’t like her,” Alysson insisted, taking the kerchief and blowing her nose rather violently. “All this terribly long time I’ve been kept in bed, all I’ve done is just sit here looking forward to your visits. But you didn’t come every day, and sometimes you stayed away for two or even three in a row. I’m not complaining. I know you had other things to do. I know I’m not important. But sometimes I got quite demented, and Ilara just clacked about having to cheer up and appreciate my happy situation, with a few hints thrown in about keeping my virtue. At least when Jenny came she was good company, like a real friend, and she made me feel wanted.”
“Good God child, I should have moved you into my own quarters from the beginning. None of my family believes anyway – but that’s beside the point.” Ludovic, having forgotten his regard for her injured arm, now held her very tightly so that her words were quite muffled and came in short gasps. “How can you possibly be pleased,” he demanded, “feeling important to a woman who orders you to brush her clothes, make her bed and wash her back? That’s servitude, not friendship, and one of the reasons I don’t want you back working for her again. She may have treated you kindly in some ways, but I don’t intend you to play the servant anymore. If I’d used what few brains I still have, I would never have arranged that position in the first place.”
“I wanted you to.”
“Because you had no options back then. Now you have. You may not like the option I’m offering, but it’s worth considering, my dear. As for abandoning you after three years, that’s utterly absurd. I shall do no such thing.”
“What then? Five years? Do you think you could last that long?”
He laughed. “Now, listen to me,” he said. “It’s autumn again, so it’s a year, more or less, since I first met you, and my intentions have changed a few times since then. So has my life. But now I’ve spent a long time being extremely careful not to upset or alarm you, and like a damned fool I’ve purposefully never mentioned love. A few hints – but nothing to scare you off. Since the attack, and even before, I’ve offered a brother’s comfort and a father’s protection, meaning you to know me first, and hopefully reciprocate what I personally felt. Perhaps I was wrong. Had I made myself clear from the beginning, Jennine wouldn’t have been able to instil her own wretched beliefs into your head. Who is she anyway? Do you know? She’s no virginal merchant’s daughter, of that I’m positive.”
Alysson blew her nose again, still clutching Ludovic’s kerchief. “Whatever she is, she understands men. She says all men get infatuated and think it’s going to last forever, but it never does. Women get old and saggy and wrinkled and men don’t want them anymore. You can say you’re different but you don’t know until it happens. When I’m all sallow and spotty, I won’t like me either. Besides, Jenny isn’t trying to put me off, she thinks I should be your mistress. But she makes it sound so – unappealing.”
“Dear God.” Ludovic’s fingers crawled up into her hair, cradling her woebegone puzzlement. “Now whatever I say and whatever I promise, that wretched woman’s words will take precedence.”
Her voice became little more than a whisper. “You know I – like you, Ludovic. I do – very much. You’ve been kind and you haven’t just treated me like a peasant and dragged me off into the bushes. But I feel so confused and miserable and hopeless.”
“Do I seem such an immature fool to be swayed simply by passion, only to grow cold when the hunt turns to capture?” Ludovic’s embrace tightened. “Sweet heavens,” he sighed, “I’ve experience of my own, and know women perhaps as well as my sister-in-law knows men.” It was late afternoon and the first candles had been lit an hour back, but the shutters had not yet been raised and the swirling gusts of rain beat outside the glass. The fire was blazing, and in its light Ludovic gazed down at Alysson’s small face turned up towards him. The reflections burnished her last remaining scars, silvered threads running like tears down her cheek. “I’ll tell you,” Ludovic continued softly, “why I didn’t come every day to visit you, when I should have, and knew you needed me.” He smiled, again kissing the tilted tip of her nose. “I should have kept you comforted and amused every day. But wanting you too much, I sometimes avoided the temptation. I longed to climb into bed with you and kiss away the misery. But I’d only have frightened you, and perhaps hurt you more.” He paused, as if careful to choose his words. “I doubt I’ve ever been a coward before, my love. You’ve made me aware of many weaknesses. But I also have strengths. I can look after you, and keep you from danger. You must have realised danger might still threaten. In Bedfordshire you’ll be safe, even if I can’t be with you at first. And I’d not touch you until I return, when I can arrange matters more kindly and give you the happiness you deserve.”
“I won’t be in danger if I keep away from Humphrey. I won’t walk alone anymore, and I won’t do anything stupid.” Alysson buried her face against Ludovic’s chest with a sigh. “I don’t deserve happiness any more than anyone else, and hope can be so terribly destructive.” She blew her nose with deliberation. “I used to be such a hopeful little girl and I had such sunny dreams. When first my father died, and then my mother, I learned how treacherous hope can be. But I was young so I went on hoping anyway. Then life grew dark and cold and sad over the years, but there was always Gamel, and there was Pagan, and that kept hope going. Well, you know what happened next.” The kerchief had become very wet. “And now ther
e’s you, but I don’t want hope starting up again. I just want to be comfortable, and have enough food, and a little friendship. And it’s being here, in this castle with Jenny, and you most of all that I don’t want to lose. Going far away and not having anyone, that seems even more – hopeless.” She had grasped his sleeve and was clutching the fur trim like a rosary between her fingers. “When you come back you might not even want me,” she gulped. “In London you might meet someone more beautiful, with money and experience and no horrid scars.” He started to speak but she interrupted him. “Will you – hate me, if I wait for you here, where I do feel safe? And when you come back, if you still feel this way, can you ask me again?”
Ludovic unhooked her damp fingers from his sleeve, and curling them within his palm, brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it. Then he slipped her hand inside his doublet lacings, holding it against the soft warm linen of his shirt, his heartbeat steady and deep beneath. “Yes, my sweet, if that’s what you want,” he said. “But however long I’m away, don’t learn to doubt me, or sit here endlessly pondering on the perfidy of men and the treachery of hope. I’ve every intention of making you very happy indeed, my love, and the future’s not so far away.” He leaned back, bringing her with him, almost as if they were bedded together. “And in case you’re thinking I’ve already proved a lack of credit by having abandoned all the women in my life so far, let me assure you I’ve never before asked any woman to live with me or be my mistress, nor ever spoken of love to anyone at all. Not that I imagine you’ll approve, but those in my past such as the girl you once saw me with, have meant as little to me as I did to them. You’re quite unique, my love, as are my feelings for you. When I return, I shall prove it.”
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