by Eric Lane
Christopher Durang
Kitty the Waitress was first presented in an evening called Nine Lives at the Juilliard School, Drama Division, in New York City, on February 21 and 22, 1997. The evening was a series of nine plays, all about the lives of a cat. The other eight plays were by Hilary Bell, Ron Fitzgerald, Daniel Goldfarb, Jessica Goldberg, Bob Kerr, David Lindsay-Abaire, Marsha Norman, and Alexandra Tolk. The evening was directed by Elizabeth Gottlieb; the program coordinator was Richard Feldman; and production stage manager was Scott Rolli-son. The cast for Kitty the Waitress was:
HOSTESS Claire Lautier
MR. O'BRIEN Peter Jacobson
KITTY Greg McFadden*
WAITER Gann
VERONIQUE Pamela Nyberg
VETERINARIAN Dave Case
*NOTE: The part of Kitty is meant to be played by a woman. For the purpose of the Nine Lives evening, we chose to have the cat in each play played by the same actor, necessitating having a male actor play the waitress in my play and a fading female cat star in Bob Kerr's play. The other seven plays all had a male cat in them. Greg McFadden did a terrific job as the waitress in my play; but especially if you present the play on its own, I prefer that Kitty be played by a woman.
CHARACTERS
HOSTESS: Gracious and French.
MR. O'BRIEN: American.
KITTY: The waitress, seductive and French.
WAITER
VERONIQUE: Another waitress.
VETERINARIAN
(Scene: A restaurant on a tropical island. An American man,MR. O'BRIEN, enters. He is in his early thirties to early forties. He is greeted by a friendly, effusive French woman, who is theHOSTESS and owner of the restaurant. She has a French accent.)
HOSTESS: Oh, Monsieur Au Briand, comment ça va?
O'BRIEN: Fine, merci.
HOSTESS: Did you 'ave a lovely day at the beach?
O'BRIEN: Yeah, yeah. My ex-wife won total custody of our kid today I get to see him for two hours when he turns twelve, and then again when he's sixteen.
HOSTESS: Oh, Monsieur, quelle dommage. Well, forget your troubles here on our beautiful island, and we at this restaurant will do all we can to soothe you.
O'BRIEN: Thank you. I'm feeling kind of gloomy.
HOSTESS: Oh, Monsieur. We lighten your troubles for you. Forget your wife, forget your child. You are in tropical paradise.
O'BRIEN: Yes, thank you. I am in paradise, right.
HOSTESS: Your usual table, Monsieur?
O'BRIEN: Yeah, I mean, oui.
HOSTESS: Oui, Monsieur. (Guides him to his table; motions for him to sit:) S'il vous plaît. (O'BRIEN sits.) Veronique will be your waitress tonight, Monsieur. Bon appétit.
O'BRIEN: T hank you. (The HOSTESS goes away. After a moment, KITTY enters. She is very seductive, seductively dressed. She walks over to O'BRIEN's table, and then stands in front of him. Whenever she stands, she has a pronounced curve to her posture; she pushes her lower body forward. It seems seductive, but also a little weird. It should seem odd and explicit, but not like a contortion; her stance should be comfortable for her. Its just her pelvis pushes forward. KITTY is extremely flirtatious in her manner as well, in a very generalized way. She speaks in a French accent.)
KITTY: Bonjour, Monsieur. My name is Kitty, I will be waitress ce soir.
O'BRIEN: I thought my waitress's name was Veronique.
KITTY: NO, Monsieur. My name is Kitty. Je m' appelle Kitty, le chat d' amour.
O'BRIEN: Well, okay. Hiya, Kitty.
KITTY: Bonjour, Monsieur. (She moves her lower body around in a circle, seductively.) Would you like something to drink, Monsieur?
O'BRIEN:(responding to her flirtatiousness) A bottle of water. A bottle of wine. A hunk of cheese. Et vous, Mademoiselle.
KITTY: (Laughs seductively.) Et moi? Oh, no, Monsieur. Non, non, non. Kitty is not on ze menu.
O'BRIEN: Well, why are you standing that way then? Pull your private parts in. (KITTYstands straight for a moment, pulling in her lower body so that her pelvis does not thrust forward. However, this posture is difficult for her. The“pelvis out”one is the one that feels natural to her. However, for now, she does her best to stand straight.)
KITTY: Would you like to ' ear the specials, Monsieur?
O'BRIEN: Okay. Shoot.
KITTY: Tonight we ' ave filet of red snapper avec un sauce of artichokes et sardine. We ' ave Mahi Mahi avec un sauce de Mieu Mieu, in honor of ze French actress Mieu Mieu. The fish is flown in by aeroplane from ze island of Maui.
O'BRIEN: Mahi Mahi from Maui avec Mieu Mieu sauce.
KITTY: Oui, Monsieur. (Unable to stand straight anymore, she reverts to her old posture, and lets her lower body thrust out again with relief; she explains seductively:) I ' ave ze bad posture, Monsieur.
O'BRIEN: NO, it's charming in its way. It's just I haven't had a woman in over a year. And your posture upsets me.
KITTY: (flirting) I do not know what you mean, Monsieur. (Back to the specials.) We ' ave mussels meuniÈre, we ' ave salade du Crab, we ' ave tuna grille avec Gerard Depardieu sauce; et finalement, we ' ave le specialité de la maison, le filet du soleil avec roast mouse et parakeet gratinée. Meow, meow, c' est une grande delicacée. (Shakes her lower body at him in ecstasy.)
O'BRIEN: Kitty, please. I told you, I haven't had a woman in a year.
KITTY: Oui? Quelle dommage, Monsieur. Et what would you like from ze menu zis evening?
O'BRIEN: Well, the specials sound interesting, especially that Maui Maui fish served with Muck Muck sauce. But what I would like is a good old American hamburger, cooked rare, with French fries and cole slaw. I hope you don't think badly of me by my order.
KITTY: Pas de tout, Monsieur. Kitty does not judge. Kitty loves all choices, she sees no difference between any of zem. But let me tell ze kitchen of your wishes. (Screams out, a bit vulgar.) Hey, Mario! Gimme a Number 42, with grease and slaw, bloody! (Back to O'BRIEN; flirtatious and French again.) Anything else, Monsieur, you wish from Kitty? (She waves her lower body at him again.)
O'BRIEN: Not right now. Thank you very much.
KITTY: Oui, Monsieur. (KITTY walks away seductively, exits. A young WAITER, cute, comes on, holding a basket of bread. He comes over to O'BRIEN and, likeKITTY, sticks out his lower body and waves it at him.)
WAITER: (waving his lower body seductively; French accent) Would you like a basket of bread, Monsieur?
O'BRIEN: What?
WAITER: Basket, Monsieur? (Waves his lower body with energy.)
O'BRIEN: NO, go away. I'm not interested. (WAITER puts bread on table, walks away, annoyed or disappointed in the response; exits. To himself.) What island am I on exactly, I wonder? (KITTY appears right, across the stage fromO'BRIEN. She holds a bottle of wine and a glass.)
KITTY: I am bringing you ze wine, Monsieur. (KITTY raises the bot tle and the glass into the air. TheWAITER comes back, next toKITTY, and begins to play the bongo drums.KITTY begins to dance towardO'BRIEN with the wine, but with very slow, samba-like movements, always leading with her lower body. It is a seductive, strange dance she is doing. Her dance does take her toward the table, but it will take a very, very long time for her to actually get toO'BRIEN if she keeps going at this slow, seductive, rhythmic speed. KITTY smiles delightedly while she does this dance, and keeps moving her hips and that pelvic area of hers.)
O'BRIEN: (Staresfor quite a while; eventually becomes impatient.) Faster, faster! I haven't got all day. (The bongo rhythm goes much faster, andKITTY speeds up her dance movements and gets to his table much faster. The dance, sped up this way, looks much less sexy and much more peculiar, silly, an odd and unnecessary way to cross a room.KITTY arrives at the table. The WAITER finishes the bongos with a definitive thump, and exits.)
KITTY: Sometimes it takes a very long time to get across ze room.
O'BRIEN: Ah yes. Does it? (KITTYputs the wineglass on the table, and holds up the wine bottle.)
KITTY: Your wine, Monsieur. (KITTY tries to pour the wine into the gl
ass. However, the bottle is corked and nothing comes out of the bottle. It ees not coming out, Monsieur.
O'BRIEN: Well, do you have a corkscrew?
KITTY: (blushingly flirtatious) Oh, Monsieur … a cork … screw??? Oh, Monsieur, you make Kitty blush avec your obscenities. (Laughing like a schoolchild.) Screw, screw? Oh, my, I am beside myself!
O'BRIEN: (sort of annoyed) Do you have a corkscrew to open the wine?
KITTY: (Thinks; not flirtatious.) No, I don't.
O'BRIEN: Well, take it away then.
KITTY: (Calls offstagefor WAITER.) Gaston! (TheWAITER comes back and plays bongos again, so thatKITTY can dance off with the wine. She dances away quickly this time. She and theWAITER exit right. Another waitress,VERONIQUE, enters from left. She goes up toO'BRIEN' s table.)
VERONIQUE: (Speaks with an over-the-top Cockney accent.)' Allo there, guv-nor! I'm your waitress, Veronique. ' Ow would you like a nice plate of beef and Yorkshire pudding, eh, ducks? Or a lovely cheese and tomahto sandwhich. Or a lovely shepherd's pie?
O'BRIEN: I'm sorry, your name is Veronique?
VERONIQUE: That's me name. I live in a flat with me mom, underneath the loo at Victoria Station. I come ' ere in the tube, and in the mornings I eat digestive biscuits.
O'BRIEN: I see. Kitty was waiting on me before.
VERONIQUE: don't ' ave no Kitty ' ere, sir.
O'BRIEN: But she was just here. She did a dance to the bongo drums.
VERONIQUE: Bongo drums. Blimey, sir … your imagination is runnin' away with you.
O'BRIEN: She was just here. She walks funny.
VERONIQUE: Uh huh. Whatever you say, guv.
O'BRIEN: Never mind. Do you have a corkscrew?
VERONIQUE: What for?
O'BRIEN: For a bottle of wine. Oh that's right, she took the wine away.
VERONIQUE: We don't serve wine ' ere, sir. ' ow about a lovely lager, or a bit o' ale, or a nice cup a'tea served with a delicious bit of digestive biscuit.
O'BRIEN: Never mind. I'll wait for Kitty.
VERONIQUE: You'll wait a long time then, guv' nor. (Exits left.)
O'BRIEN: (wantingKITTY; calling toward right, where she had exited) Oh, waitress! Oh, waitress! (VERONIQUE comes back on.)
VERONIQUE: Yes?
O'BRIEN: NO, I wanted Kitty.
VERONIQUE: (threatening a punishment) Do you want me to bring you your check?
O'BRIEN: Well, I haven't even eaten yet.
VERONIQUE: Then don't go on about Kitty please. Now you eat your bread and water, and if you're well be' aved, maybe Matron will reinstate your privileges.
O'BRIEN: What? Matron? Privileges? Am I in a play by Pirandello?
VERONIQUE: I'm sure I don't know, sir. (Exits.)
O'BRIEN: (calling, a bit softer) Kitty. Oh, Kitty. (VERONIQUE is back in, in a flash.)
VERONIQUE: What did you say?
O'BRIEN: Nothing. I said absolutely nothing.
VERONIQUE: All right, then. (Exits.)
O'BRIEN: (Waits a few seconds; then calls plaintively.) Kitty … oh, Kitty…. Here, Kitty, here, Kitty … I miss you. Oh, Kitty … (VERONIQUE;comes back on, leading in theHOSTESSand pointing toO'BRIEN, indicating there is some issue.VERONIQUEexits.)
HOSTESS: Monsieur Au Briand, my apologies. Veronique has told me that the kitty was bothering you. I am so sorry.
O'BRIEN: What? No, no one was bothering me.
HOSTESS: I ' ave taken care that the kitty will bother you no more. We ' ave called up ze veterinarian, and ' e will put kitty to sleep momentarily.
O'BRIEN: Put her to sleep? I don't know what you mean.
HOSTESS: Please, do not feel bad. Many other guests have objected to the cat before … she rubs against the legs, they are allergic, she makes them sneeze. She makes the bus boys play the bongos. She has been warned; it is only right she be put to death.
O'BRIEN: Good God, where is the vet? I must stop this.
HOSTESS: But your dinner, Monsieur …
O'BRIEN: I don't want her death on my conscience. My ex-wife can't be right about me. I don't destroy all women I meet, do I?
HOSTESS: I am sure I don't know, Monsieur.
O'BRIEN: The address of the veterinarian … quickly, quickly!
HOSTESS: Soixante-cinq, rue du chat du mort.
O'BRIEN: Oh, God. (O'BRIEN runs off. Lights change, and we are in another part of the stage. TheVETERINARIAN, in a white coat, is standing overKITTY, who is in a fur coat [maybe] and lying on a cot. The VETERINARIAN hasjustfinished givingKITTY a shot from a hypodermic.)
VETERINARIAN: Bonne nuit, Kitty.
O'BRIEN: Wait, wait… don't give her a shot. She was my waitress. I loved her.
VETERINARIAN: TOO late. Ze kitty kat is on her way. Au revoir, kitty kat. (Exits.O'BRIEN kneels byKITTY' s side.)
O'BRIEN: Kitty, Kitty, I'm here, don't die.
KITTY: Good-bye, Monsieur. You did not love Kitty, and so the doctor, he give me a shot. It ees time to leave. I ' ave danced enough.
O'BRIEN: Oh, Kitty, no. I realize now. You're my reason for living.
KITTY: Oh, Monsieur, do not try to cheer up a dying kitty. I am past it. I ' ave ' ad a full life. I ' ave lapped ze milk. I ' ave arched ze back. I ' ave eaten ze mouse, I ' ave chased ze parakeet. It ees time for Kitty to move on.
O'BRIEN: NO, I have nothing.
KITTY: ' ave Paris, Monsieur.
O'BRIEN: We do? I don't remember anything about Paris.
KITTY: Well, zen we ' ave nothing, Monsieur. Oh, the sodium pen-tathal is working. Au revoir, au revoir, I am leaving … life number … five, it is ending. Oh God, four more to go. So many disappointments, so many ze twists and ze turns. How difficile is la vie du chat. Oh … oh … c' est finie. (KITTY dies.O'BRIEN moans in sorrow and bows his head. TheVETERINARIAN comes in and gives O'BRIEN a hypodermic shot of something.O'BRIEN cries out in pain and looks surprised.)
O'BRIEN: OW! What are you doing?
VETERINARIAN: I am sorry, Monsieur. My mind, it wandered. I did not mean to give you a shot. But it is too late. Good-bye. (O'BRIEN looks shocked, then falls over dead.VETERINARIAN shrugs, what can you do? Lights out. End.)
LEFT TO RIGHT
Steven Dietz
Left to Right was commissioned and premiered by the Guthrie Theater in Minneapolis, Minnesota (Joe Dowling, Artistic Director) and was presented in An Evening of Short Plays, July 2002. It was directed by Melissa Kievman; dramaturgy was by Edith-Nicole Lenz; the costume design was by Sarah Mitchell; the lighting design was by Paul J. Hackenmueller; the sound design was by Michael F. Bogden; the production stage manager was Joelle Oetting. The cast was as follows:
ANGIE Bridie Harrington
DEE James Eixler
RON Adam Richman
SCOTT Rashaad Ernesto Green
CHARACTERS
ANGIE
DEE: Angie's friend.
SCOTT: Dee's husband.
RON: Scott's friend.
SETTING: A long table. Four chairs behind it. All facing the audience.
(Seated at the table, from left to right: ANGIE, DEE, RON, SCOTT There is only one thing on the table: a cup of coffee, which is directly in front ofANGIE The rest of the table is bare. After a moment,ANGIE takes a sip of the coffee. She turns toDEE)
ANGIE: That's good coffee.
DEE: Shade grown.
ANGIE: Really?
DEE: The beans.
ANGIE: Right.
DEE: Kept in the dark.
ANGIE: What do you know.
DEE: Another cup?
ANGIE: I'm sleeping with your husband.
DEE: Are you?
ANGIE: Mm-hmm.
DEE: I see.
(Silence.)
ANGIE: I feel awful.
DEE: I know.
ANGIE: Really, Dee, I just—
DEE: I know.
ANGIE: NO, please, let me explain—
DEE: I mean: I know. I've known. I've known this, Angie. I have been knowing this.
(Silence.)
ANGIE: Did he tell you?!
DEE: What do you think?
ANGIE: SO, how on earth did you—(Stops.) We're friends, Dee.
DEE: Yes, we are.
ANGIE: I can't believe you'd do this to me.
DEE: Excuse me?
ANGIE: I can't believe you'd keep this from me. That you knew. That you have been knowing this. And you don't say a word. You just let me go on about my—
DEE: YOU can't believe that.
ANGIE: I trusted you, Dee. I thought we were friends.
(They are looking at one another. After a moment…DEE turns imme diately toRON)
DEE: She didn't know I knew.
RON: So: boom?
DEE: What?
RON: So, just—boom—you told her.
DEE: Yes.
RON: Wow.
DEE: Boom. (Silence.) Could you?
RON: Hmm?
DEE: Tell Scott. Could you tell Scott about us?
RON: He's my best friend.
DEE: And he's my husband.
RON: Exactly.
DEE: SO? (Leans in.) Could you?
(Silence.)
RON: We go on a trip. Every year Scott and I go on what we call The Trip.
DEE: Yes, I know.
RON: And this is the thing you don' t know: whatever happens on The Trip—whoever we meet, whatever we do—any, you know, commandments that get a little bent or broken—all of it stays on The Trip. We leave it right there—and we come home clean. (Pause.) You keep your friend's secret and you keep your friend. It's as simple as that.
SCOTT: I'm thinking Tahoe. (RON turns immediately to SCOTT.) Tahoe or Miami Beach. What are you thinking?
RON: For The Trip.
SCOTT: Yes, for The Trip.
RON: I haven't thought about The Trip.
SCOTT: And don't say Prague.
RON: I won't—
SCOTT: Every year: “Prague.”
RON: I said I won't—
SCOTT: Like we're gonna—what?—like we're gonna have FUN in Prague?! I mean, c'mon. Wedon't make The Trip to LEARN SOMETHING, Ron. I think you know that. We din't make the trip to COME HOME BETTER PEOPLE. We make the trip—
RON: Yeah.
SCOTT: I mean, even the years when NOTHING HAPPENS on The Trip—still—the reason we make The Trip—
RON: I know.
SCOTT: I know you know.
RON: Okay.
SCOTT: So, I'm thinking Tahoe.