by Elaine Fox
Gerald’s dark eyes seemed to swallow her whole. His chiseled face was so sober, she wished for a second she hadn’t asked the question.
“Yes, in fact there is.” Gerald’s hand held hers so tightly now it was nearly painful. “Lily, my feelings for you are…of the most cherished variety. I don’t think I speak out of turn when I say that I believe you and I are on what I’d call a marriage track, as surely as I’m on the partner track at Tyler, Andersen and Jones. But I don’t want to make any mistakes. Count my chickens before they’ve hatched, as it were. So I’m taking things one step at a time, as best I know how. Can you help me do that, Lily? Can you help me assure our future together?”
Nine
Lily walked up to her front porch in a daze, Gerald at her side. He held one elbow gently, guiding her as if she might fall over at any moment. And truth be told, she thought she might.
When had everything gone so wrong? How had it all gotten so messed up? Was it Brady, was that why she was so thrown by this? It was just six, maybe eight weeks. She could wait that long. Heck, she’d waited ten times that long already.
It was just…Brady hadn’t been right next door all that time.
And why was she so disturbed by Gerald’s delivery of the news? After all, he’d spoken of marriage! Why wasn’t she thrilled with that? The way he’d put it: that they were on the marriage track, that he was working for everything they’d planned on…that he needed her help to assure their future. Did that mean they were kind of…engaged now?
On the plus side, Gerald had agreed to go to Megan’s party with her next weekend, as he wasn’t leaving until that following Monday. So at least her friends would have a chance to meet him.
But still she felt…confused. Afraid and discontent and somehow worried that she was suddenly committed to something she hadn’t bargained for, in a way she’d never imagined.
They stopped at her front door and Gerald turned her toward him.
“Darling, I’m so sorry if I’ve upset you.” His eyes were kind as he looked down at her. “I thought my news was good, but I see now that you feel it contained some bad as well.”
“No, no,” she protested, looking away. “I’m just surprised, that’s all.”
“I understand. But I know this is the best thing for both of us,” he said. “You’re going to have to trust me on this, darling.”
How had that endearment gone from charming to chafing in one short evening? Lily would bet it wasn’t even ten o’clock yet.
“Gerald,” she said, “I do trust you. But I have to admit I am a little disappointed. I mean, you wouldn’t want me to be glad you were going away for six weeks, would you?”
“Maybe eight,” he said, with a tilt of his head. “And of course you’re right. I’m glad you’re going to miss me. As I will miss you.” He ran his hands up and down her arms. He didn’t seem to be imagining her cleavage, covered or not.
“I didn’t say I was going to miss you,” she said petulantly, looking up at him through her lashes. “I don’t see you enough to miss you. What I’m missing is more the idea of seeing you. I was really looking forward to this summer with you.”
Gerald chuckled and pulled her into his arms. “Oh my sweet Lily.” He kissed the top of her head.
She wondered if that was to be the extent of her kiss good night.
Suddenly, she was so fed up with the situation, so tired of being put off, that she put her arms around him and pulled him tight, breathing deeply of his scent through the suit—light cologne, clean summerweight wool, and cotton fabric. There was no scent of Gerald himself.
His arms tightened around her.
“I’m just so…” she began against the material of his suit. “Frustrated,” she finished, unable to find a better word. “We were only just starting to get close.” She pushed back and looked up at him. “I don’t want to have to start all over again when you get back. It’s the summer, I have a lot of time off. Maybe I should come out for a week. I could probably even make it two, if you wanted.”
Gerald gave her a gentle smile. “We’ll see.”
Lily was transported back to the days when her father would tell her the same thing. He’d be going on a business trip—one of the many he made while she was growing up, leaving her with Ruth, her nanny—and she would beg to go with him, or just to visit him on the weekend when she didn’t have school. We’ll see, he always said. And after a while Lily did see. He never wanted her there.
Was she acting like that child now? Was she not understanding that serious men with serious jobs had to keep their personal lives regulated? Her father always made it clear that he cared about her, but he had duties that she didn’t understand. Was that what was happening now?
Lily must have looked so crestfallen that Gerald took her face in his hands. She looked up into his eyes again, drinking in the sight of him so close. As he leaned in for the kiss, her heart began to hammer.
This was what she wanted. Just this. A little passion, for goodness’ sakes. She rose onto her tiptoes to receive the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck.
His mouth opened wide, as if to devour her, covering hers and moving from side to side. Lily tried to adjust, moved her head this way and that with his, and touched his lips with her tongue, searching for his. But there was nothing but a great, gaping cavern. It was as if he wanted to inhale her, not kiss her.
It was…awkward.
Was she doing it wrong? Had she been doing it wrong all these years? Was French kissing not about tongues, as well as mouths and lips?
Awkwardly, she tried to move beneath the onslaught, taking his bottom lip gently in her teeth, but he simply covered her mouth again with his, moving, tongueless, along her skin.
It was the strangest kiss she’d ever received. She was so distracted by the method that she didn’t even notice where his hands were until well into it. They had moved up to press against her breasts, kneading them as if they were two cans of Play-Doh that needed softening.
Finally, he ended the vacuum, pulled back, his hands on her upper arms, and beamed at her as if he had just bestowed the kiss of a lifetime. She gave him a tentative smile and resisted the urge to wipe her face.
He leaned toward her again and nuzzled her ear, saying, “Trust me, Lily, there’s much more where that came from. We just have to be patient. Just a little while longer.”
He pulled back again, gave her that chaste peck on the cheek she was so familiar with—lingering a little this time—then turned and sauntered down the walk toward his car.
She stared after him. Her elegant, polished, experienced Mr. Knightley. The worst kisser ever born.
Slowly, in a daze, she entered her house and wiped her mouth with the back of one hand. Doug jumped up from the couch and ran to greet her. She bent and picked him up, stroking his warm, solid body and kissing the top of his head. She felt like taking a shower. Scrubbing her face with cleanser. She wanted to return to that naïve girl she was not so long ago who believed with all her heart that Gerald Lawson was The One. Unequivocally, without a doubt, for sure.
But now, at this moment, she felt as if he had deliberately turned her hopes and expectations upside down by, in a weird way, giving her what she thought she’d wanted.
She sat down on the couch and tried to think, but her mind only spun in the same directions, over and over again. The dinner conversation, his leaving, that awful kiss.
There was no way that she’d been kissing wrong all these years, she thought, because that kiss with Brady had felt as natural as breathing. Even if it was breathing air that scorched her skin and ignited her insides.
Gerald’s kiss hadn’t had her thinking about dragging him up to the bedroom, as Brady’s had, so much as dragging his head back by the hair and saying What the hell are you doing?
What in the world was she going to do? She didn’t even know what to think.
Then it came to her. There was only one person she could talk to about this. One person who would un
derstand the problem, the battle of carnality versus reality, emotion versus desire. One person who would get how important and disconcerting passion could be.
Georgia.
With another kiss on the head, she deposited Doug on the floor and grabbed up her purse again. She headed out the door, slamming it behind her.
As she turned to lock the dead bolt, a voice from the opposite porch said, “You’re home early. Dress not do the trick?”
Lily froze, then swallowed hard. Brady.
She looked in his direction but could barely see him in the dark. “Not exactly.”
He scoffed lightly. “The man’s a fool.”
“I’ve got to go,” she said, and spun on her heel, practically running to her car.
“I should have called first, I’m so sorry,” Lily said, when Georgia opened the door. She was dressed in a silk peignoir, her blond hair mussed and her giant Great Dane, Sage, standing behind her like a bodyguard. In her hand was a book, one finger holding her place.
“Good Lord, honey, what on earth happened to you?” She stepped back from the door and motioned her in. “Come in here and tell me what has you in such a state.”
Lily put a hand to her face. “Do I look that bad?”
Georgia laughed, and the sound—confident and familiar—soothed her. “Just a little wild-eyed. Come on in and let me pour you somethin’ to drink. I was havin’ a margarita myself.”
“That sounds perfect,” Lily said, giving Sage a long stroke and laying her hand on his back as he leaned toward her. “Make it a big one.”
“Is there any other size?” Georgia asked, heading for the kitchen.
Lily exhaled slowly, very glad to be there. This was just what she had to do. She didn’t know why she resisted it before. Talking to Georgia was going to be the best relief she could get.
Granted, Georgia had never liked the idea of Gerald, but she was the only one who’d understand the dilemma Lily now found herself in. Georgia admitted that she succumbed to passion on a regular basis, often to disastrous effect. Of course, Georgia didn’t worry about it the way Lily did—she was more likely to laugh about her indiscretions—but at least she’d understand how desire could be completely divorced from emotion. And, Lily was betting, she would comprehend in a way that neither Megan nor Penelope would how you could fall into a kiss with someone you knew wasn’t the man for you, even while hating the kiss from the one who was.
“Here we go,” Georgia said, reentering the room carrying a huge saucerlike glass rimmed with salt. Her pink-and-white peignoir flowed around her as she walked, alternately exposing shapely legs and fluffy pink, kitten-heeled slippers. “This’ll calm you right down and make the world a rosier place. I suggest you down half of that before you even begin.”
“Thank you.” Lily took the glass, sipped from it, and leaned back on the couch. “You have no idea how badly I need this.”
They sat in companionable silence a minute, sipping their drinks, before Georgia said, “So you look sexy as all get-out tonight, Lil. Have a hot date?”
Lily sighed. “Sort of. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
She swallowed and wondered how to begin. Was the kiss bad because Brady’s had been so good? Or was it just bad? What did Brady have to do with her confusion about all that Gerald had said? Nothing? Was Gerald’s lack of passion, lack of perception about her feelings, the whole problem?
So she began at the beginning. The night Brady stopped by when they’d fallen into that kiss.
Georgia’s eyes widened during the tale, but she didn’t say anything, just continued sipping her margarita, looking like a blond Buddha in a flowered dressing gown.
Lily moved on to the date with Gerald and all that he’d said about the marriage track, racing through her story right to its disastrous conclusion with that terrible kiss on her front porch.
When she finished, Georgia looked at her a long moment, then said, “Honey, there’s a lot of things I could say here, but since I know you’d just blow off most of it and not take my advice, I’ll tell you two things I think you might actually pay attention to.”
Lily straightened in her seat and looked pleadingly at Georgia. “Thank God, I knew you’d know what to do. Please, tell me. I’ve never been so confused.”
“First, if you’re sure there’s nothin’ there with the pilot except animal need—and believe me, I know what that’s like—don’t tell Penelope anythin’. For one thing, she might be the only person on the planet who doesn’t understand animal need. And you know she’d write him off faster than you could say It was just a kiss!”
Lily laughed, despite herself. “I know. You’re right. I’d thought the same thing exactly.”
“Good. Second. Lily, you’ve got to let Gerald go. Let him go off on this little business venture of his, do what he needs to do, make Daddy happy and all that. And while he’s gone, you try to forget he even exists.”
“But Georgia, I can’t do that! For one thing, the way he was talking, it’s like—does he think we’re engaged? Or preengaged? I mean, did I agree to something already? I can’t just pretend that conversation never happened.”
“Why on earth not? What did he give you, after all? Nothing but a bunch more wait-and-see blather.” Georgia waved her hand in the air. “Let me tell you one thing, Lil, until that ring is on your finger you don’t owe him a goddamn thing. And remember this: He doesn’t owe you anythin’ either. You don’t know what he’ll be doin’ out there in Hawaii, with all those women in thongs and whatnot. Think about that the next time you want to kiss your pilot.”
Lily recoiled. “I will not be kissing the pilot again—”
Georgia raised her glass. “Well, that’s good, because we just decided to let Penelope have him.”
“And second, Gerald would never cheat on me. I mean, he could have been cheating all this time up in Washington, and he hasn’t been—”
“Are you sure?” Georgia raised her brows.
“Well of course I’m sure. Why else would he be down here talking about the marriage track with me?”
Georgia chuckled and looked at her pityingly. “Because, sweetheart, men love to have one catch already on the line when they go off to another part of the pond. It’s the classic scenario. They pick the woman they want to marry, but the woman they want to be with is a whole ’nother story.”
Lily felt the bottom drop out of her stomach. “Are you trying to make me worry? Do you really think Gerald might go off and find someone else? Or already has? I mean, it’s true, we don’t have a formal commitment. So I guess there isn’t anything that would stop him from finding someone else…” She stared at the coffee table, wondering what she would do without her dream of Gerald. How empty the world would seem.
“A minute ago you were worried you’d accidentally gotten engaged. Or preengaged, though God only knows what that is. So which is it? You want him or not?”
Lily sighed, miserable. “You know I want him. I’ve wanted him for…forever. I just want him different than he was tonight.”
Georgia laughed, her big boisterous laugh, making Lily smile though she secretly wanted to burst out crying.
“I know what you’re going to say, so don’t even say it,” Lily said. “I just wish everything were as clear-cut now as it was a month ago.”
“And do you know why they’re not?” Georgia asked, the teacher with her slowest pupil.
“Everything I just told you,” Lily said. “That kiss with Brady, this weird night. Gerald’s awful kiss.”
“No.” Georgia shook her head, her eyes steady on Lily. “It was clear-cut before because none of it was real. Hopes and dreams can be very specific. In fact, I’d venture to say they get more specific the longer you’ve had ’em. But life doesn’t work that way, my girl, and you should know that by now. Life is messy, complicated, and hormones and sex and bad kisses and stupid conversations are all part of that.”
Lily reached out and grabbed a handful of nuts from a
bowl on the coffee table, picking through them for the cashews. “All right. You’re right.” She gave her friend a frown. “I agree with all you’ve said. So tell me one of those things you thought I wouldn’t agree with.”
Georgia smiled. “Well now, I’m not sure I want to ruin my battin’ average. I seem to be hittin’ home runs right now.”
Lily smiled wryly. “Even if you might get through to me on something new?”
Georgia lifted her glass. “Aha! You know me too well. All right, here’s my impression of your conversation with Gerald tonight. And don’t you interrupt me to tell me you misrepresented him or I’m not bein’ fair or anythin’ like that.”
Lily crossed her heart with one finger. “I promise.”
Georgia nodded once. “All right, then. I think Gerald treated you abominably tonight. He spoke to you like you were a child—ah-ah-ah.” Georgia lifted up a palm just as Lily took a deep breath to interject something. “He made all the decisions, made some wallopin’ assumptions, did a disturbin’ amount of talkin’ down, and generally gave you the verbal equivalent of patting you on the head and sayin’ don’t you worry your little head about it, princess, I’ll figure it all out for you. If that doesn’t show you he’s got a significant lack of respect for you, then I don’t know what would.”
Lily shook her head and looked at her hands. “Well, you were right. I don’t necessarily agree with that. I mean, he was a little high-handed, or at least I can see how he would sound that way, but it’s because up to this point I’ve left the ball in his court. But I won’t argue with what you say. In fact, I’ll think about it. But maybe after you meet him next weekend you’ll see how he is. That that’s just how he talks.”
Georgia’s brows rose. “We’re meeting him next week, are we? He’s coming to Megan’s party?”
Lily nodded. “Then he’s leaving on Monday.”
The two finished their drinks, filled up another, talked about other topics, and called it a night around midnight. Lily felt better leaving Georgia’s, glad that she’d unburdened herself and gotten some impartial advice. At least, as impartial as she was likely to get from someone who would listen to her story.