AUTUMN
Danger. Some have the stomach for it. Others don’t. Some gamble with their lives. In my case I gambled with my heart. I know I always play with fire and get burnt, but it doesn’t stop me from going back for more.
When given two choices. I realized I could self-destroy myself. Or, move on—well at least try to move on.
Logan and I were strictly fuck buddies.
I learnt what happens when you give someone your heart, they take to it with a hammer. Looking Logan up and down, he was cooking breakfast, cracking a smirk over his shoulder as he saw me approach.
I walked towards him, and he abandons the fry pan, and kissed me. His lips numb the side of me that is fighting with who I’m becoming. That is trying to melt the ice. But I would rather feel nothing, then feel something—rather be numb then have a bleeding heart.
Logan’s lips leave mine, and he looked into my eyes. “You know you can leave clothes here babe.”
I force a smile. But know I will never do such a thing. I check my phone from my clutch, seeing miss calls from Cage. Then messages.
Where are you? Waited all night for you. His message said.
“You alright babe?” Logan says.
I glance from the phone to Logan, and then my fingers dash across the screen.
Find a new booty call. I replied and then turned my phone on do not disturb.
I felt colder cutting him off like that. Because a part of me would have settled to be his booty call. Have some of him, then none of him. However now. I didn’t even feel an inch of guilt after cutting him off.
Logan kissed my cheek and I knew in that moment. I was freed from The Vultures completely because my heart was no longer trapped there. My heart was free—and emptied of emotion.
AUTUMN
I had a problem and it wasn’t hanging out with the Crows MC. It was the whiskey that I was throwing back all the time. I was sitting outside with Logan, watching a prospect hold his first gun.
He had terrible form. He had one terrible grip as well.
Listening and hearing Logan getting frustrated teaching. I got up, kicking the prospects leg back, putting him in a better form. Then I gripped the gun, moving his hand.
“Now. Just pretend it's your life or theirs.” I said simply. Everyone giving me an odd look, as I returned to the chair, grabbing my leather jacket.
“Who showed you how to grip a gun?” Logan asks. Not having any judgement in his voice.
“My step-dad.”
“Hawk doesn’t take me as the man that would teach a girl how to handle a gun.”
“Well he made sure his daughter did.” I reply, feeling as cold as the words I just said. Just touching that gun brought back memories of the day I killed my mother. She was always on my mind. I picked the club over her. The club threw me out in the end.
Checking the time. I know I can’t be late for the family dinner. End of the day guilt was a useless emotion. I couldn’t undo what I did. I couldn’t bring my mother back.
* * *
Staring at the dinner plate as Jacob and Hawk talk about club business. I zoned out as soon as we sat down. I was so busy wondering what it felt like to be human again, that I nearly didn’t hear their questions.
“Autumn, what’s your thoughts on tea?” Hawk asks.
My thoughts on tea?
“That some club girl has put her heart into it for me not to eat it.” I replied coolly checking my phone.
“What’s going on with you?” Hawk snaps at me, being direct like always. “Acorn. I’m not liking what I’m seeing.”
Was he talking about my weight loss? Or was he talking about my cold attitude? Or both? Regardless zero of it was his business.
“Nothing,” I replied looking up from my phone. Nate was waiting on me. “Just got shit going on.” I added, seeing as they were staring at me like I had two heads.
“With?” Hawk prompted.
My phone buzzed again and my eyes went back to it.
“Autumn turn that fucking thing off!” Jacob hit the table with a closed fist. Causing me to look up.
“I would but I don’t turn on people when they become a problem.” I look at him coolly. Because basically that was what the club did as soon as I became a problem. They threw me out. They turned me over as not their problem.
“Sometimes you’ve got to do what is best for you own good.” Hawk says.
“Your right. Which is why I have to leave.” I said going to get up. When there was a knock on the front door. I rolled my eyes—as Jacob told me to stay seated.
“I want to see her.” A voice growled at the front door. I knew immediately it was more important that I keep the shields up that I had around my heart.
CAGE
I always get what I want. I fucking wanted her. So as I stormed past Hawk into his house. Ignoring his roars for me to leave the house. I walk into their dining room. My eyes landing on Autumn.
I see the body of the woman I love. But I don’t see her—Autumn’s eyes had never been filled with the type of coldness she was shooting at me right now. She looked hollow. How the fuck could Jacob keep telling me that she is fine, when she is clearly unwell.
“You and I gotta talk.” I said to her, keeping my eyes locked with hers.
She looked me up and down. “Sorry got plans.”
“Damn straight you do. With me.”
“No Cage. With Logan.” She replied way to coldly. “My boyfriend,” She adds. “He rides for The Crows.”
“Logan Dean?” I question her. “The same Logan who I just had a fucking conversation with listening to him bitch about a girl that is playing hard to get? That Logan? Who just checked in? Who shouldn’t even be on this side of the border!” I roar now, my anger getting the best of me.
I had just listened to this man bitch about locking a girl down. I had no idea that girl was Autumn.
She just stares at me like it is zero of my business what she does. Doesn’t she know what she has done to my head? How she got inside and fucked everything up. Doesn’t she get it. She fucking got in my head! She is always on my mind. Every single fucking day I feel sick with worry about her. Knowing she is away from me, just made everything worse.
“I’ll make Aaron take his cut off him.” I declare, furious that she isn’t taking me serious.
Hawk steps forward. His eyes on Autumn. “Autumn you love this man?”
Anger rolled through my body. How the hell did I let her have space, giving her the chance to fall in love with someone else? How the fuck, did I let this happen? If she said yes, I had seriously fucked up—beyond repair.
She scoffs, semi laughing. Causing us boys to frown at her reaction.
“Love? Love someone? Anyone? No.” She looks at us coldly. “I stopped loving when I took my mother’s life. I stopped caring when you threw me out of the club. I stopped loving people a long time ago. So no I don’t love him.”
I’m unsure in that moment what is worse. Her admitting having stopped loving because of my actions. Or. That she is acting like she isn’t human. Had I broken her?
Silence fell over the room.
“I need to go.” Autumn said, clearly not prepared to fight with us over whether she loved or not. “I do have plans with Nate later. And I need to get moving.”
“Our cousin?” Jacob questions.
“Nate and Fate are in town.” She said, getting her leather jacket off the back of the chair. “And this time our business won’t sour.” She looked between us. “Good night. Thank you for tea Dad.”
And then she just fucking walked out. Like I wasn’t even there! Like I hadn’t just declared to her I would stop her relationship.
The front door closes and I turn to Hawk.
“You going after her or am I?” I wasn’t prepared to let Autumn think our conversation had ended.
Hawk shakes his head. “I think we have a bigger problem here.” Jacob and him share a look. “Autumn’s been pushed too far and that’s on me.” He then
looked at me. “Her mother had bipolar Cage. Autumn has depression. But her moods are something we can’t control. I think my action of removing her from the club has resulted in her going cold.”
“Autumn doesn’t have bipolar!” I snapped at him.
“No. But she hasn’t been the same since Mom died.” Jacob speaks up.
“She’s shut down.” Hawk started rubbing his chin. “Autumn and I have been distant for sometime now, I don’t know how to help her.”
I just stand here as Jacob and Hawk go back and forth with what they can do to manage it—to get Autumn to feel again.
Hearing all this for the first time.
Jacob cleared his throat, catching my attention. “Bet you want to run now and suddenly she isn’t your problem anymore.”
“Yeah you’re right.” I compose myself. “It makes me want to fight harder for her.” And I locked eyes with Jacob. “You can’t scare me away from her. She’s fucking human. So what if she had problems. I still love her. My love for her isn’t conditioned.”
I knew the moment I stepped out of the house that morning I left her in bed I had fucked up. I had been trying to undo that damage since that day.
“We need to get her away from people that will help her self-destruct.” Hawk looks between us. “Like Nate and Fate and this Logan boy, they are all symptoms of the numbness. She isn’t thinking. We need to get her back into the club.”
“I can control Nate and Fate. But as for this Logan he is a wild card.” Jacob pulls his phone out.
“How do we know to trust Nate and Fate? How you planning on controlling them?” I asked Jacob.
“Nate and Fate will understand.” Jacob said.
“Logan I can control. I’ll get Aaron to call him to the table. Get him away from Autumn.” I run my hand through my hair.
“But what’s stopping her from following him?” Hawk asks.
I locked eyes with him. “Me.” And I had never meant one word more. I just hoped that Autumn still felt something for me.
14
Autumn
Nate’s phone kept ringing and he kept blocking the phone. Finally turning in the front seat to look back at me. “Does your brother have a problem with us hanging out?”
I shrugged.
“Well he hasn’t stopped calling me.” Nate muttered clearly annoyed.
“So why are we here? On the east side?” I asked, and looked at the two bedroom flat that we were parked in front of. The street was empty. Nate and Fate had already scanned the area for cameras. There wasn’t any. So that told me they were up to something.
“The bastard living in this house owes us.” Fate said turning the car off. Looking back at me. “He ratted on us. On our gym operation. He is the reason you did that time. And we are about to correct it.”
I lit up a cigarette. Accepting the fact that the boys were able to do something, a lot of people would have problems with.
They got out, and minutes passed. I don’t know how long. I was on my second cigarette by the time I cracked the car door open and got out.
Looking at the house a numbness I couldn’t explain still coated every blood vessel in my body. Was it possible to stop feeling? Was it possible to shut emotions off? Because that was exactly how I felt when I opened the door, using the sleeve of my jumper. I was already in the mindset that there couldn’t be fingerprints.
Scanning the room. Nate had the man standing there, clearly beaten from Fate’s fists.
“Was it him?” I asked. And all three pairs of eyes went to me.
“Please I have a family”
“Was it him?” I questioned again.
“It was.” Fate answered my question.
I didn’t even give it another thought. I picked up the gun. I wrapped my hand around the Glock that was on the coffee table.
“Please I have a—” And I pulled the fucking trigger. His body slumping. The whole time not one emotion flooded my body. Not one regret. Not one care that he had a family. I looked at Nate and Fate, who were in shock.
Blood spray from being so close, across my face and clothes.
“Let’s go.” I look between the two of them.
Nate was speechless. Fate however clicked gears.
“Nah need to get the body to disappear so he goes under a missing person report.” Fate looked at me, with something in his eyes—pride?
“Nate. Take Autumn home. I’ll handle this. God knows it's my specialty.” Fate took over, while Nate ushered for me to move.
Not one emotion surfaced in my body. Wasn’t I meant to feel something? Wouldn’t killing a life, cause something to stir inside you? I got into the car, Nate pulling away from the house. And I didn’t even wipe the blood off my face—all I could think was what was happening to me?
* * *
Walking into Hawk’s house. I was on autopilot. No bike in the driveway meant he wasn’t here. Which meant I could clean myself up, act like I hadn’t just taken a life. But then again. I felt no different after shooting that man. I didn’t feel colder, or even an ounce of guilt.
What was wrong with me? Ran through my head again.
Opening the bedroom door. My eyes land on Cage. A cigarette glowing in his hand. He brought it to his mouth, inhaling and then exhaling. Before getting up, flicking on the bedside lamp.
I didn’t even fully register that Cage was there. All I could think was how did I stop feeling anything? How did I just turn off? More importantly, how do you feel again?
“Autumn what the fuck happened!”
I snap back into the moment. Blinking. Was he looking at me like I was a murder scene? Then the fact that I was sprayed with blood, came to mind.
“What’s happened?” He cups my face. Demanding answers. Fear mixed with panic washed through his eyes.
I don’t say a word. I don’t defend myself. I don’t say I just killed someone. No I just stand here, looking at him. Knowing one thing.
“You should leave.” I said tightly, meaning every word. “I’m trouble Cage. Because I have nothing to live for and nothing to die for.” Perhaps that was my problem? “You need to go.”
If he was smart, he would leave the burning wreck I am—he would go in the opposite direction.
I blinked a few more times, watching him slip his hand into mine, looking at me, like I was something special to him.
Leading me to the bathroom. He begins to strip me. And I just move when required. So this is what it felt like to be cold hearted. To be switched off from emotion. The next thing I knew Cage was pulling me into the shower. But I couldn’t get out of my head.
The same facts rolling around in my head. I didn’t feel anything. Not guilt, not shame and not even regret—I couldn’t help but think, something was really wrong with me, fuck what was I becoming?
HAWK
Never been a man to do the right thing, unless when it came to my family. I was a selfish bastard and my family was one thing I was selfish over. Still to this day, I would not regret what happened with Emily. I loved her with my whole heart and because of her, I got my daughter, Autumn and my son Jacob.
The whole time in rehab gave me time to think. Think of how my two kids were everything to me. In some ways Autumn has saved me from doing the one thing I could never do, and that was to kill Emily for betraying us. However because Autumn has pulled that trigger, it has numbed her. She hadn’t dealt with the grief that comes with killing someone.
Hell killing a stranger is one thing, killing ya own blood—that shit you don’t come back from. So I wasn’t expecting Autumn to be back who she was before she pulled that trigger. She lost her innocence when she killed Emily.
And now I was going to do everything in my power to get her back to living again. That including letting Cage in her life. Was I happy about it? No. Was I going to let him fuck her under my roof? No. But I was going to let him be with my daughter, because for some reason that man made Autumn want to live. I just hoped it wasn’t too late.
Cracking
the front door open, I spotted Cage immediately sitting on the couch. Cigarette in hand, and his gun on the table. I frowned for a moment. Had Autumn not came home? He was meant to be waiting here for her for when she showed.
“You alright brother?” I asked walking into the room.
He eyes go from the burning cigarette to me. Picking up his phone from the coffee table, he tossed it at me which I caught.
Seeing the message on screen.
We know what she did
Five words, which didn’t make sense to me. I glanced back at Cage. “What’s the problem?”
He inhaled on his cigarette, and then turned to look at me. “Autumn killed the Cartel’s right hand tonight.”
I couldn’t kill my reaction to myself I begin swearing. “Did she know who it was? What happened! Car accident or what!”
“Execution.”
“She executed someone!”
“Not just anyone. Dylan Decoder. The Cartels right hand—and he had a family.”
“What the fuck was she thinking!”
“That’s just it Prez.” He got up. “She wasn’t.” He takes the phone from my hand.
“What the fuck are we going to do?” I ran a hand through over my mohawk.
Cage smiled dimly. “I’m going to do what I always do.”
I looked into his eyes.
“Hawk, I’m not letting them take her from me.” His words sent fear through my body because I knew he had meant every word. “I’m not skilled at many things but killing never scared me. However losing Autumn, scares the shit out of me and I won’t let it happen.”
My eyes lock with Cage’s. “You and me both son.”
Cage walked back to the table, picking up the gun from the table.
“You planning on starting the manhunt tonight?” I asked him, seeing him tuck the gun in his waist of his jeans.
“No.” he glanced at me. “Autumn needs me tonight, and no sane man will come here knowing you and I are both here.”
CAGE’S RUIN Page 5