“I hear Patty say that Dawn can live with me. She has not said that since filing her lawsuit. What I want to hear in that is that she trusts me to take care of my own child. I have no problem allowing her to see Dawn again. I actually want that. I want to break down the barriers to the children seeing each other again, to my seeing Doug, to our becoming a family again. But I can’t live with Patty being another parent to Dawn. That’s not what we set out to do. It’s not how Dawn understands our family. And I am never going to let Patty tell me what I can and cannot do with my own daughter.”
Now Dr. Reinhardt steps in, before either of us can say anything further.
“What I just heard from each of you is a willingness to trust each other again. That’s a huge step for each of you. Patty, you said you trust Karen to have Dawn live with her and make decisions for her. Karen, you said you trust Patty enough to have her spend time with Dawn again. You both know from this painful experience what it’s like to lose trust. Rebuilding trust is a step-wise process. Each positive step you take with the other helps in that rebuilding.” She pauses.
“I’m not ignoring the big obstacle that you each identify. But let’s focus for the moment in how you can start to rebuild your family relationship. Where would you like to begin?”
I want to let Patty begin and look at her with the question in my own eyes.
“I’m not sure if this is the right first step – and I’d welcome your advice, Dr. Reinhardt. But I propose to invite Karen and Dawn to visit some weekend afternoon and stay for dinner with us.”
“We’d both be happy to do that. Dawn would jump up and down at the thought of seeing Ian again. But what about Sandra? I’m not trying to ruin this from the get-go, and I’m not up-to-date with what’s going on with her, but I don’t want this to fail because of her.”
Dr. Reinhardt looks inquiringly at Patty.
“Sandra, my older child, is having some problems we are addressing in therapy. She is jealous of attention we pay to Ian, and she was resentful of Dawn when she was with us. She struggles with making friends in general. Therapy is helping, a bit, but Karen is right; Sandra might well try to ruin the day.”
“I’m sorry.” I hear myself with surprise. I am sorry she is struggling with a difficult problem with her child, and I’m sorry if my own troubles and Dawn being foisted on them made this worse.
Patty looks at me with what I sense is a hint of gratitude.
“It’s true. Sandra would try to ruin it. I could have her stay with a friend for the day, but when she finds out what happened while she was gone, she will go bonkers.”
Dr. Reinhardt suggests that Patty consult Sandra’s therapist before we try a reunion of the whole family, and that we start with a small step.
I propose that Patty bring Ian to my house for an afternoon. “I promise no one will have to use the outhouse. There is now a floor in my bathroom.” Patty smiles, and there is no malice in it. I almost tell her that, if I stop having to pay legal fees, I can try to find a better place for Dawn and me to live. But that can wait.
“That’s great. We’d love that.” I hear genuine warmth in her voice, and I see it on her face.
Dr. Reinhardt extends an arm, signaling she wants to say something.
“This is so encouraging. I sense in both of you a willingness – no, more than that – a shared wish to rebuild your family. I want to talk to you about glitches – because they will happen – and how to deal with them. If we had no time constraints, we might end our session now and re-convene after the first visit. But you’re in a brief break in your trial, and the judge wants to know whether you two are going to resolve your issues or whether she has decide them for you. Shall we take a lunch break now and resume this afternoon? Or shall we break now and resume tomorrow?”
Patty asks if we can have lunch brought in and keep working. I offer to ask Analee to arrange this. Dr. Reinhardt nods. Gerta brings in menus from a local shop and by coincidence all three of us order hot chili. As soon as Gerta leaves us, Dr. Reinhardt resumes.
“I’m going to start on a different tack now. Have you each discussed with your lawyers what this judge will do if you leave the decision to her?”
Patty nods confidently. I haven’t but interject, “she decides whether the litigation leash comes off my neck.”
“That’s one way of putting it. I’m going to put it a little differently, so that each of you can keep in mind what happens if you don’t solve this yourselves. In a way, you’ve already made more headway than the court, because the judge can’t decide at this time what timesharing arrangements there may or may not be with Dawn.
“If you leave the decision to this judge, all she decides in this trial is whether Dawn has one parent or two. She does not decide with whom Dawn lives or what time, if any, she spends with the other of you. One of you may decide to appeal her decision, and that process alone may take two years or more. Even without an appeal, if Patty prevails on the parentage decision, there will be a child custody evaluation by a mental health professional. That will take some months, and then there could be another trial, to decide what time Dawn spends with each of you.
“Whoever loses at law will have another few years of resentment stacked up against the other. Dawn will be older and may have different feelings toward each of you. She may lose interest in Ian and Sandra, or want to see them more than ever. Only you two can start to rebuild your family.”
Patty asks how we can accomplish that.
After Gerta delivers our chili – three huge Styrofoam mugs of it – and crackers and a small plate of cheese and sliced apples, which must have been Gerta’s own idea, we tackle the big issue.
I start. I tell Patty once again that I am happy to make a will that allows her to take care of Dawn if I die while Dawn is a child. I want to restart our being a family again. But our family consists of me as Dawn’s mother, her and Doug as Dawn’s aunt and uncle, and Sandra and Ian as her cousins. I want us to be close again if we can. But I will absolutely not allow her to tell me what to do with my own child. If we heal our family, I can see myself asking her advice, but permission – no, never again. I have said all these things before, and I fear they make no mark.
Dr. Reinhardt asks Patty what she fears most if we end this lawsuit.
“What I fear most has already happened. I’ve lost both my sister and Dawn. Winning this lawsuit may give me a legal connection to Dawn, but I will lose my sister and any hope of a family that works. I want to fix this, not break it.”
I get up from my chair again, instinct propelling me, and put my arms around Patty. Her hair smells like Dawn’s. Her body relaxes against me, and her arms fold around me. “We’ll fix it together,” I assure her.
Dr. Reinhardt reminds us again that there will be glitches. “They happen in every family. Someone says the wrong word or has a look on her face that another interprets badly. I bring this up because it will happen, and there are ways of correcting what could lead to major problems.” I glance at Patty, who is as rapt as I am.
“When this happens, I suggest that the person who hears the sour note ask the other a question, like ‘did you mean?’ or ‘what just happened?’ Explore what you heard and why it sounded like a sour note. It can be as innocent as mishearing the words the other said. Or it can reveal the larger issue behind the words or the look. But ask. Try not to react in anger or hurt, just ask whether this was what you thought it was. It can help take you forward and not backward.
“Also, if you want my help in the future, I can work with you.” She has us both nodding.
“Can we put the lawsuit on hold?” Patty asks. Dr. Reinhardt admits she does not know the answer but invites Patty to consult her attorney privately.
“I don’t want to put it on hold. Our lives have been on hold for over a year now. We need to decide if we are going to fix it ourselves – or cling to the law. It’s only g
oing to be a club you hold over my head.” I look at Patty searchingly, and she glances down a moment before coming back at me.
“How do I know you won’t cut me out of Dawn’s life?”
“You don’t. But I won’t. I don’t want to. I want to have you as my sister again. You may not believe it, but I want to be able to ask you for advice again. But I’m not going to live my life under a constant threat from you. We can start over, but only if you let go of this lawsuit.”
Patty sits silently for a long time. I can feel her debating the point.
“What do you need to hear from me to let this lawsuit go?”
“I don’t know.” She looks down and clutches each arm around the other, her fingers impressing themselves into her flesh.
I catch Dr. Reinhardt glancing at her watch.
“Is there anything Karen can say now that will reassure you?”
Patty just looks up at her plaintively. “I don’t know,” she repeats.
“When is our deadline from the court?” she asks Dr. Reinhardt.
“I’m supposed to report to your counsel by tomorrow noon, and they are going to communicate with the court. Do you want to think it over tonight? It’s four-thirty now, and I’m sure it’s been an intense day for both of you.”
Patty admits she needs to talk to her attorney and think it over.
Dr. Reinhardt asks if we should meet tomorrow morning, and I wait for Patty’s response. She nods, and I do too. But then I remember our prior mediations.
“We’ve been down this path before. We made headway in mediation and then Patty canceled it. How do I know you won’t do that again?”
“I’m wasted. I can’t decide. I don’t know what to do.” She drags her face from side to side in apparent misery.
“Patty, I want to fix this between us, for us and for our children. But I can’t do this anymore, waiting for you to decide.” I’m getting hot despite myself. “Come tomorrow prepared to end this lawsuit or let’s turn it over to the judge.”
Patty looks pleadingly at Dr. Reinhardt. “Will you work with us going forward?”
“Of course.”
I leave first, and wonder afterward if I have stalked out. I walk out to Gerta’s desk and ask if I can see Analee, who is on the phone. I pace while I wait, wondering if this has been yet another futile effort.
Analee keeps me waiting only a few minutes, then listens intently to my summary, asking if we have set up a definite time for a visit. I tell her no, the details dissolved into the larger discussion of whether Patty can bring herself to let the lawsuit go. I ask her what the mechanics are, and she explains Patty can either sign a written dismissal or we can appear before the judge and tell her in person that Patty dismisses the lawsuit, and it has to be ‘with prejudice’.
“What does that mean?”
“That she can’t bring it again based on the same facts.” I roll my eyes and sink into a chair. “I will definitely need that.”
She asks if I can wait outside her office while she calls Patty’s attorney, and I step out.
From the waiting room, I can hear that she has connected and the murmur of her voice, but I can’t hear her words. It goes on for a while, and her voice rises in pitch.
When she emerges, there is color to her face I haven’t seen before.
She reports that Petrakis predicts based on his earlier discussions with Patty that she will agree tomorrow to dismiss the lawsuit, but that he insists it cannot legally be dismissed with prejudice. I ask her what it means to dismiss ‘without prejudice’. She explains that a dismissal ‘without prejudice’ means Patty can renew the lawsuit in the future.
“The problem is that we do not know whether a parentage action can legally be dismissed with prejudice. If it cannot, then a dismissal ‘with prejudice’ means nothing.”
“I disagree.” I stand up to make my point. “If she dismisses without prejudice, it’s almost an invitation for her to file again if she feels like it. If she dismisses with prejudice, she at least tells the court she intends to stick with her decision – whether it’s enforceable or not.”
She looks up at me with some surprise. “That’s the best argument.”
“Tell him it’s a dismissal with prejudice – tomorrow – or we continue.”
“You’re that serious? Are you sure?”
“I am.” I stay with her as she communicates all of this to Patty’s attorney. They agree we will all meet in the judge’s courtroom tomorrow at 11:30. She instructs Gerta to prepare the document, and I read it before I leave her office. It is a court form on a single page entitled Dismissal, and there are two boxes to choose from: ‘with prejudice’ and ‘without prejudice’. The first box is checked. She e-mails it to Patty’s attorney before I leave her office.
I start to shake only after I get home. I have no prediction whether Patty will sign it or not, but I have become someone I could not have predicted. Much as I fear what Patty might decide tomorrow, I love my new strength.
I drive myself to court in Roseville this Friday morning, which began with ground frost and now has warmed rapidly with the sun. The sky is uncluttered by clouds, and I can see for miles. The Sutter Buttes cast a definitive jagged skeleton on the otherwise flat horizon. But I cannot see even two hours into my future. ‘Judgment Day’ is today. With or without religious upbringing, these words create a kind of awe.
I see Analee pacing outside the courtroom, Patty and her lawyer hunched together on a bench in the hall. Analee informs me that the judge is finishing another matter, and that Patty and her counsel insist on a judgment ‘without prejudice’.
“Just what I predicted,” I tell her sarcastically. She looks at me searchingly.
“I think the question boils down to whether you can live with an uncertainty under a solution you create yourself, or turn over to the judge this fateful decision. I can’t answer that for you.”
The bailiff opens the courtroom doors and signals for us all to come in.
Judge Garcia looks weary. Whether it is the sight of us or whatever she has just finished, I don’t know. We take our now familiar places at the separate counsel tables.
“Well?” the judge says simply. Patty’s attorney stands somberly and asks if counsel can go into chambers, and the judge nods. Analee follows him.
Patty gets up from her chair and sits down next to me.
“My attorney says that legally it’s not possible to dismiss with prejudice. That’s probably what they’re going in to discuss with the judge.
“But I want to tell you something else he told me.” She seeks my eyes with hers, and I recognize my sister in them. “He told me I have two choices: I can keep fighting or I can accept that I don’t know the future and we can try to create a better future for ourselves.
“I’ve slept on that thought, and I’ve discussed it with Doug. I want you to know I’ll sign this dismissal in either form. I want to rebuild our family.”
“So do I,” I promise her, and put my hand on hers. She grasps it firmly. My eyes flood.
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