“You know they are watching me?” I ask.
“Of course,” Rowan speaks calmly. “They’ve been watching you for months.”
“Well why didn’t you say anything?” I cry out. “I honestly thought I was crazy. Do you know why they are watching me?”
Embarrassment, fear, relief… I can’t hold onto a single emotion right now.
“No, we don’t.” Meghan shakes her head. “I figured if you didn’t do anything to anger them then they’d leave you alone.”
“Okay.” I inhale a steadying breath as I try to pick up the fragmented pieces of my brain. “If you knew they were watching, why do you keep insisting that I come here?”
Meghan chuckles in disbelief. I want to throw something at her.
“We were trying to protect you,” she says. “If everything appeared to be normal, we assumed they’d stop.”
“But everything is normal.” I lower my voice to a whisper. Zander is humming. It’s the way he tries to drown our voices out. “I haven’t done anything wrong. The only time the watchmen focus on one of us is when we cause trouble.”
“Why don’t you go play quietly in the room, son?” Rowan makes this question a statement and Zander immediately obeys.
“We know you haven’t done anything wrong,” he continues once Zander is gone. “But you don’t want their attention on you like this and since we don’t know why they are watching you, it’s best to not make any waves.”
“I still don’t understand.” Silent tears fall hot on my cheek. “What does any of this have to do with our father?”
Meghan sighs and reaches across the table. “There are rumors that father’s death wasn’t an accident.” I try to jerk back my hand, but she holds it tight.
“Rumors? But who would even do something like that?” It hits me in the chest, but I can’t say the word. Meghan’s face is full of a gentle understanding.
“No.” I shake my head. “She is crazy, but she wouldn’t have done something like that. What reason would she have to kill him?” The words sound like they are underwater.
“She wanted to retire,” Meghan explains. “They fought about it all the time. He didn’t want to go. She hated him for not doing more for her.”
“But he did his best.” For a moment I’m transported to the memory of Meghan sitting next to me singing lullabies into my ears to drown out the raging screams of our mother berating our father outside the bedroom door.
“It was never enough for her,” Meghan states bitterly. “But there is nothing we can do about that now. Margaret says she’s convinced her to retire. The ship comes in two days so it’s perfect timing. I’m hoping once she’s gone this will all blow over.”
The statement is so matter of fact that I almost believe it to be true, but there is a shadow of doubt in her eyes that she isn’t able to hide from me.
“I still don’t understand what this has to do with me.” I rest my head on top of my arms. All of this is too much to take in.
Rowan answers for my sister. “We think they either felt you were in danger or because you spent so much time alone with her that you might be a problem too.”
“But I am nothing like her,” I cry, thinking of the watchman’s words and how stupid I must have sounded talking about mothers to him. Calder knew who she was, and he probably thinks I’m just like her. No wonder he thought I was feral.
“We know that sweetheart.” Meghan gives my hand a reassuring squeeze. “However, it’s not us that we are trying to convince. We need to put that part of our lives behind us. Let everything go and move forward. I don’t know what I would do if you suddenly disappeared.”
I feel myself nodding as a numbness settles on top of me. My sister’s house feels larger or maybe I’ve grown smaller. “Are we supposed to say goodbye to her?”
“I’m not going to.” Meghan shrugs. “I’ve already made my peace with the past, but you do whatever you feel is right.”
Bitterness tastes like the bile that coats the back of my tongue. “Actually, I’ve already said goodbye.”
*
“Bring the tablets here tomorrow,” Rowan reminds me before I leave.
“I’ll remember.” I nod at him. “Do you need me to pick up Zander at the wall?”
“If you don’t mind.” Meghan smiles at me and I’m grateful for the hug she gives. She is the only family I have left.
*
The wharf is dreamlike and distant as I make my way across the rusted planks. Noises are muted and the smell of fish is less pungent. I can’t grasp a coherent thought.
My mother killed my father. The weight of this is heavy against my chest suffocating me. The crowd parts like drifting clouds and reveals Anna’s weathered face. I stop to watch the shop owner.
Her liver spotted hands and leather skin deftly organize the rows of seafood. Beneath the sag of her head, her eyes are quick watching customers enter the stall. Her tongue is just as sharp, haggling prices and sending would be thieves scampering away.
I don’t know what tethers her here to this life. If anyone deserves to retire it’s Anna and not my sorry excuse for a mother.
My vision tunnels. A scream builds inside of me that dies on my lips as the flash of green from a watchman’s uniform makes its way through the crowd.
I lower my face and continue to walk. It isn’t Calder, so maybe he’s not here for me, but he served his purpose. Just his presence was enough to stop me from making a scene in the market.
With my eyes downcast, I pick up the pace and force myself between the salt worn bodies in the city center. The metal door of the tavern is cool. I let my hand linger there for a moment longer than necessary before going inside.
The tavern is full this evening. I can easily slip through the crowd without Gertrude seeing me. I take the stairs two at a time until I’m safely on the other side of my locked door.
My back slides against the wall as I drop to the floor shaking. I want to rip my heart out and throw it through the window. The air from my lungs comes out in sharp ragged breaths like crushed shells beneath my bare feet. Make it stop.
I bury my face into my arms as silent cries rock my entire body. I feel so lost and so unbelievably angry. Why? The word bounces around my head until it emits only a hollow echo. There is no rationalizing this. For reasons unknown to me, I’ve always been stuck in a whirlwind of crazy. I have no choice but to forget it all. I refuse to be categorized with her.
*
Red. I want red.
I dig through the paints until the crushed red coral tinted jar comes to my hand.
My father diving beneath the greenish water. Water is never true blue. The spark of red reflecting in the weak filtered rays of the sun. “I want that one dad.”
Blood is purple. It flows through the water as my father slices his hand. I kick away from his back and swim up, breaking the surface with panicked breaths.
“I’m so sorry,” I cry pulling air into my lungs. “I don’t want red. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Listen to me Brooke.” He holds out his arm to steady me and I frantically tread the water. “If you want something, you go for it. Don’t cry over bad things that get in the way. It’s out of your control.”
“No dad.” I shake my head. The water droplets from my hair spray his face. “If I hurt someone it’s my fault. I need to be careful.”
“Maybe.” My father winks. “But maybe it was their fault too.” He dives back under the water and emerges with the most beautiful red coral I’ve ever seen. “It’s okay to be happy, Brooke.”
Red. I want red on my mural, but I’m annoyed with the setting sun. The coral. Twisting knots of hardened reef. Then the water. Green and gold and black. Never a true blue when you are underneath the depths of the sea. You can drown in all these colors. Just like my father did. Except he didn’t. He knew how to swim better than anyone. How could I be so stupid?
I step back from the mural gasping. Under the ship is the world I know. The ocea
n and the colors within it. The life that swallowed the past and cares not for the future. The world my father tried to save before my mother killed him.
I wrap my arms around my chest and breathe in the sweet smell of the sea drifting through the open shutters. The ocean is now on my mural. Its infinite depths guarding a life that’s been there since long before I was born and will be there long after I am gone.
I pull his jacket over me and climb into bed as my father’s words bring me comfort again. “It’s okay to be happy.”
‡ Chapter Ten ‡
The stubborn paint refuses to leave my nails as I scrub them in the wash basin. I can’t quit staring at my mural. There is a curve of yellow painted too thick. It stares back asking to be muted. It’s only when my nails are clean, and I step away, that I can see the overall painting is beautiful. I can’t believe I made it.
The morning is slow in the tavern with everyone back at work for the week. Of course, Gertrude comes up with plenty of extra chores for us.
“Is everything alright with your family?” Zoe’s question snaps me from the monotonous blankness that comes from washing chairs in the loft.
“Of course,” I answer breathlessly. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
She sits on the chair she just washed and places her arms behind her head. “Because your brother-in-law came looking for you yesterday and you said your sister was worried.”
“Oh that.” A nervous laugh escapes from me and my cheeks go red. “It’s nothing really. Zander is going back to the wall this week and I’ll need to pick him up.”
Her sharp eyes stare at me over her thin pointed nose. The awkward silence hangs in the air between us.
“Maybe we can walk together to get the kids today,” I suggest as I turn back to the dirty chair.
“Maybe,” she says nonchalantly.
The metal stairs creak behind me as she descends them, and I’m left alone with my anxious thoughts.
*
I press my bare feet into the sand as I wait for the doors to the wall to open. This time when the gates unlatch, I try my hardest to get a good look at what’s behind them.
When my father was building his machine, he explained that erosion was making the land inside our gate uninhabitable. The walls were built shortly after the worst of the shifting earth settled, but sea levels continue to rise. It’s unnoticeable over time until, well, it’s not. The machine was supposed to fix everything.
The small island where the children play is surrounded by miles of brackish water and bog land, but we are lucky to have this little oasis. Gates around what’s left of the continent have been sealed off because it isn’t safe anymore. It’s only the furthest gate north where the bay allows for large ships to enter that remains untouched by the shifting seas. The land is far enough inland and accessible by the ships. That’s where the retirees go.
Where my mother will go. The thought fills me with hatred.
The ship that goes through the northern gate is old and white with a faded cross. It makes its way around the coasts of the wall every few months to pick up the retirees and take them to paradise.
Tomorrow it will be here to take my mother away to the one place in this world I want to go. The one place she doesn’t deserve because she killed my father for trying to make this whole world better. I can’t help but laugh at the sick irony of it all.
Zoe gives me a strange look as she scoops Iris into her arms. I must have been dazing off again. Zander is the last in line. I tell her not to wait for me even though she’s already walking away.
“How was it today?” I ruffle the top of Zander’s head as he clings to my side.
“I want to go home,” he whispers softly. His skinny legs wrap around my waist when I lift him up.
“Was it that bad?” I ask while looking him straight in the eyes.
“No,” he sniffles, wiping his hand across his nose. “I want mama. Do you think she missed me?”
“Okay buddy, let’s get you home.” He buries his face into my neck, and I struggle with his weight as we climb up the rickety steps.
“You’re getting too heavy to carry,” I joke as I waddle out onto the wharf. There is nothing under my feet. Zander screams into my ear.
My stomach drops as the air whooshes around us. I’m falling backwards to the sea while my nephew clings to my chest. It’s all so sudden that I can’t form a thought but the silent screaming prayer to the gods, “Please don’t let him hit the rocks.”
Seconds later my back is pierced with what feels like a thousand burning needles as the water smacks against it and the ocean swallows us whole. I’m sucked into the depths of the freezing water with no air in my lungs. Zander squeezes me as he clings for dear life. His small fingers dig points into my skin.
A primitive urge of survival overtakes me. Swim. But where? The darkness of this depth doesn’t allow the sun to break through.
There’s a trail of bubbles from Zander’s mouth that fade as he sucks in the water. I follow them up, kicking my feet as fast as they can move. The stinging cuts on my back are numbed by the cold ocean. Zander feels too stiff in my arms.
The sunlight filters above me distorted in the murky green of the surface. I will myself to swim harder. Something big crashes through the water above missing us by only a few feet, but I don’t have the time to process it. Zander needs to breathe.
The water breaks and air, the sweet buoyancy of air, slaps me in the face. I inhale deeply to scream against my nephew’s forehead, “Breathe, baby. Breathe!”
His eyes flutter open as I tilt his face to the sun.
“Auntie Brookie,” he coughs the words while spitting bits of saltwater mixed with saliva. He is so light with our heads above water. It takes no effort at all to keep us both floating.
“I want to go home,” he cries.
“Okay sweetheart.” Salty tears spring from my eyes and mix with the sea. “I’m going to take you there.” I slide him onto my back and swim towards the rocks that line the beach near the wall.
“What are you doing?” The voice slices through the crashing of the waves. I turn to see Calder swimming beside us.
“Give me the boy,” he demands.
“Go to hell,” I spit.
“Listen.” He reaches for Zander but I’m a faster swimmer than he is. I slip away from his arm and continue my journey toward the shore.
“Whatever you’re trying to do to yourself, it’s not worth it to take the child with you,” he calls after me.
Outrage, utter outrage, overwhelms me, but I’m not stopping to have this conversation until my nephew is safely on the land. I continue swimming until my knees bump against the sand. Zander clings to my neck as I walk the remaining steps to the beach. Calder is right beside me.
“Just give me the child,” he says again. I turn to glare at him. The crispness of his uniform has lost its authoritative appeal. It clings to the lines of his body and water drips from his head.
“No.” I’m too shaken up to care about the consequences of my actions right now. “He needs to go home and I’m taking him there.” Zander wraps his arms tighter around me.
“If you cared about that,” Calder continues harshly. “Why’d you try to kill him?”
“What?” I scream and Zander begins to cry. “I fell! It was an accident.”
“It looked like you jumped.” Calder speaks through clenched teeth as he follows me. The sand sticks to my feet. I lost my shoes somewhere in the sea.
“Well maybe that’s the problem with being a watchman.” I spin around angrily to face him. “You don’t know what you are actually seeing so you make things up to go along with whatever narrative you think you know.”
“Stop,” Calder whispers as he grabs my arm. His face is so close to mine that I can see the amber tint to his brown eyes. His breath is hot on my face. “Did you try to kill the child?”
“No.” My lips curl into a primal snarl. “I would never hurt him.”
The people on t
he wharf and a group of watchmen are rushing toward us. My people are worried and ask if we are okay. The watchmen are silent as they advance. I pull Zander onto my chest and try to fade back into the growing crowd.
“It’s okay.” Calder’s voice rings loud and deep echoing above the commotion and silencing it altogether. “It was an accident.”
His eyes narrow as he stares at me. The intensity of his gaze paralyzes me into silence. I nod my head and turn toward the steps. Being more careful than I’ve ever been in my life, I climb them slowly with Zander sobbing against my neck.
*
“What happened?” Meghan gasps. I collapse against the closed door of my sister’s house as Zander untangles himself from me and runs to his mother’s embrace.
“I fell.” The adrenaline has worn off and my body begins to shake uncontrollably.
“Fell where?” Meghan’s eyes are large as she runs her fingers through Zander’s wet hair. “Into the water? How?”
I bury my head into my hands. “I don’t know. He wanted to be carried and I slipped. We fell from the wharf.” Meghan’s scream of disbelief is cut short when Zander grabs her hand.
“Auntie Brookie saved me mama,” he whispers. “And the watchman helped. But I don’t want to go to the wall anymore.”
“Okay.” Meghan holds back her tears as mine flow freely. She runs her thumb over his chin. “I’m just happy you’re alright. Maybe we can skip the wall for a few more days.” Zander’s smile brightens his face.
“Alright,” she laughs. “You can stay home the rest of the week. Now, very quietly, I want you to go change into some dry clothes.” Zander nods once and places a finger over his lips as he creeps toward the back room.
“Watchmen?” Meghan whispers as she falls to the floor and pulls me into her arms. I’m too shaken to do anything in response but let her hold me.
“The tablets?” she asks casting a worried glance at Zander’s back.
“I was going to pick them up after I got Zander and bring them here.” My voice sounds hollow. “But this happened. Meghan, I’m sorry. I don’t know how I tripped. He was so scared and if something would have happened to him…”
The City on the Sea (City on the Sea Series Book 1) Page 9