To Burn In Brutal Rapture

by Nyla K

  “Oh my God, Lazarus… Wow.” She whimpers, tugging my face so that her lips are hovering over mine. “It makes so much sense… This is astounding, baby.”

  “Is it?” I ask skeptically, though I’m not sure why.

  If I’m being honest, this feels like a revelation of fate.

  “Yes. Don’t you see?” She kisses me softly as I hum. “We’re tethered to one another. It’s so fucking crazy, but this was our story, like a timeline. Do you feel it?”

  She places her hand over my heart, which is pumping wildly in my chest.

  I nod fast. “Yes. I do.”

  Traci laughs out of sheer disbelief, shaking her head. “What a day…”

  And with those words, I decide what better time than now for my big reveal.

  “I have a surprise wedding gift for you,” I whisper in a daze, and she blinks. “We’re going to Brazil.”

  She stares at me for a moment, silent, like I’m completely insane which makes me smile.

  “What?” She finally gasps.

  “Yup. We need to go home and pack after this because we leave tomorrow.” I pat her thigh. “Ten days in Brazil. Honeymoon surprise.”

  Traci slaps a hand over her mouth. “Oh my God! Lazarus!”

  I chuckle and kiss her jaw. “You’re so cute when you’re surprised.”

  She grabs my face again. “We’re really going to Brazil??” I nod. “I can’t believe you did this! How perfect.”

  “I know, right?” My prideful smirk is excessive, but I’m just so glad she’s happy.

  She tugs my lips to hers and kisses out all her giddiness.

  Married for three days and already there’s nothing better in this world.

  Our desperate kissing goes on for another few minutes before the scuba instructor clears his throat, and we pry ourselves apart.

  “I love you, Lazarus Weston,” she sighs, holding my hand tight until we absolutely have to let go.

  “I love you, Tracien Weston.” An uncontrollable grin sweeps over my lips, because I’m obsessed with how that sounds.

  And apparently so is my wife, because she squeals, then starts bouncing around.

  “Alright, Scary Spice. Let’s dive.” She secures the mask on her face and I grin, doing the same with mine.

  Okay, maybe the nickname isn’t so bad now.

  We strap on our backpacks with our oxygen tanks, then I hop down into the water first so I can help Traci. Once we’re in, we both dive under together, holding hands as we swim deeper and deeper.

  It’s an experience unlike any other. Swimming through the crystal-like waters, between schools of tropical fish, of many colors, shapes and sizes. We see turtles, stingrays, and even sharks - small ones, but still. The coral reefs are like castles, inhabited by underwater royalty.

  The view is spectacular, and what makes the whole thing more surreal is that I’m experiencing it with my wife.

  Nothing will stop me from loving this woman for the rest of my days, and hers.

  I used to think I’d never fall in love. I thought I would never have a serious relationship or get married. I had myself convinced that I was incapable of such things, because of the curse of my past. There was no way I could deserve true love.

  But now I finally see that I needed to die for the Four, to be brought back to life. I needed to burn and be burned in this most ferocious of delights.

  In all this brutal rapture.

  Damien, Ophelia, and Traci. In different ways, at different times, they all broke me free from the tomb where I’d been left to rot.

  And, after years of preparing for the pain, keeping my heart damningly guarded, I’ve found the joy I deserve at last.

  The End.

  A Note from the Author

  Okay! Are we all doing alright? Everyone still have their wits about them? All internal organs still intact?

  I want to start out by telling you how much writing this book wore me down. It tested the limits of what I can endure while actively writing a book, and a book of my size, which would be considered series-length to some authors. I did briefly consider making it a duet, but that’s not my style, and honestly I’m glad I went with my gut. I don’t do things to appease anyone, and I want to stick with that as much as possible, because integrity as an author is invaluable.

  Anyway, I’m sure we’re all sick of talking about the crazy bullshit that has made up the year 2020, so I’m not going into all that. But I’ll just say that writing this book at this time was a perfect storm of chaos and internal struggle. My emotions were worn thin, and more often than not, I’d finish writing a scene or a chapter feeling completely unsatisfied.

  But then during my early edits, I came to a point when I stopped and looked around, and thought to myself, “Wow. This is something else entirely.” I actually said it to my fiancé a few times… I was like, “This book is actually good!” And he’d be like, “Yea, no shit.” Gotta love him.

  This book dabbles in many tropes and sub-genres, most of which orbit around forbidden and taboo. But the thing about dark, forbidden and taboo romances, like what I stated in the Foreword, is that they’re subjective. What is considered dark to someone is a stroll across a rainbow made of cotton candy for someone else, and the same goes for taboo. Which is why I was hesitant to label this book in any real way.

  Do I personally find this book dark? No. But because of the drug use, the age gap and the struggles Traci and Lazarus face with mental health and suicide, I’m sure many would call it dark in some ways. Do I think this book is taboo? Sort of, but not even really because of the age gap. I’m sure to others, the age gap in this book is extremely taboo. Maybe even too much at earlier points. But I don’t personally see it that way.

  Since much of what Traci experienced, how she reacted as a “teenager” feeling like an adult, was taken from my own experiences at her age, I don’t see any of that as taboo. I think I’d call it more forbidden than anything; something society wouldn’t necessarily permit. The black and white views that some possess, which I see as shades of gray. I also found my own thoughts weaving through Lazarus more than I expected they would. Sure, I’ve never been a man in his late thirties, but such is the fun of being an author, I guess. But I digress…

  To me, the taboo aspect of this book comes from the unexpected reveal of Lazarus and Damien’s relationship, and the fact that our hero somehow managed to fall in love with a guy and that guy’s daughter at the same time. Also, I’d like to address this here… Anyone else picking up on some low-key feelings between Lazarus and Ophelia? Because let me tell you, they were definitely there.

  Lazarus unwittingly fell for this whole family, at different times, and that, I would say, is pretty taboo. Of course, it’d be hardcore taboo if he’d ended up dating all of them at once, but that’s not what the story was about, and we’ll leave that sort of stuff to people who write taboo for the sake of writing taboo (cough cough).

  No, the core idea of burning in brutal rapture (or being tortured by painful delights. You like that?) came from Lazarus believing his heart was a curse, when in fact it was so full of love it brought multiple people to him in sheer magnetic force. It was, to paraphrase Damien, just an unexpected agonizing wonder.

  I hope the religious references in this book were explained well enough, but I strongly urge you to check out the story of Lazarus the beggar in the Bible. If you’re familiar with the Holy Bible at all, it’s a very interesting story, especially because of the way Jesus went about resurrecting his friend (after learning that Lazarus was sick and dying, he actually waited days before traveling to him, only two miles away, and all the while had this underlying sense that he knew he would raise him from death, rather than healing his illness. It’s one of only three times in the Bible when Jesus brings someone back from the dead.) Also, check out some of the art made for the story of Lazarus, it’s quite interesting.

  The number 4 reference, as explained in the book, obviously ties to the number of days that Lazarus s
pent dead in the tomb before he was brought back to life. My Lazarus had to survive four awful foster families before he finally found someone to love him, giving him the confidence he needed to rise himself, which is a powerful metaphor for how much love can instill confidence and self-acceptance. Both Lazarus and Traci talk about loneliness as if it’s a superpower, but also a heavy burden, to which I think most introverts can relate. We enjoy being alone to a certain point, but after that, the love of another has the power to lift us into something we desperately crave.

  I could talk about that for hours, but back to Laz’s foster families. There are lingering questions about what exactly he experienced with his Four. And why wasn’t Damien’s letter ever sent to DCS? I’d like for you to form your own theories about these things, since I prefer to leave a little mystery sometimes. There’s potential here, let’s just leave it at that.

  The other thing I’d like to mention is the source of most of my tears while writing and revising this book… Damien Wright. Yea…

  As with most of my books, the story seedling and the blossom itself turned out to be two totally different things. Much of the crazy, gut-wrenching unexpectedness came along the way, while deciphering what Lazarus and Traci’s love story looked like, how Lazarus and Damien fit into all that, and how they would or could come together in the end. And trust me when I tell you, the untimely Damien decision wasn’t an easy one to make. But you can also trust that I didn’t grapple with it. Unfortunately it was just the way the cookie crumbled, such as in life. Death is a huge part of the real world, whether we want it to be or not, which is why I felt it necessary that Part 1 begin with a death, and Part 3 end with one. It also brought Lazarus and Traci together as two orphans, exploring their loneliness together, which was so powerful to me.

  I suppose this is also why I gave us a solid few chapters of Lazarus and Traci’s happily ever after, including that long epilogue, which I hope you enjoyed because it gave me so many feels writing it, I was in tears more often than not. I’m not personally a fan of angsty books where the HEA comes in the last two pages and then it just ends. I wanted Lazarus and Traci to have some solid time together, since they didn’t really get much time to explore their love and feelings for one another in secret.

  Without delving too much into my own personal shit, I will expand that Traci’s experiences with substance abuse and addiction are deeply significant to me, making Tracien Wright one of my characters to whom I relate immensely. I often find myself unintentionally writing characters struggling with addiction, or at the very least referencing it. But the things Traci did in this book are things very familiar to me. I know it’s likely a challenge for people who haven’t experienced it personally to understand. I only hope that I was able to capture the dependence, uncertainty, and justification in a way that seemed sincere and authentic. Because trust me, it is.

  Lastly, I’m not sure if any of you have ever heard theories of multiple universes, timelines, inter-dimensional and whatnot, but at the risk of spilling any beans on anything, I’ll just urge you to consider that while something may occur in one way here in this life, it could potentially be happening in a totally different way somewhere else. It’s kind of like the Butterfly Effect, too. Changes in reality. Watch shows like Twin Peaks, Black Mirror, even Rick and Morty to get a feel for what I’m talking about.

  I’ll leave you with that completely ominous and confusing statement (LOL), and ask you to please share your experiences with this book by recommending it, even if it maybe wasn’t for you, it could be for someone else. And by leaving a review, because that’s always helpful.

  Really, I just want to thank you for giving this book a chance, for hopefully loving it, and for seeing how much of my heart went into it. I bled into this book for so many months, I often felt like I was living alongside these characters. And it made the writing that much more intense.

  The long and short of it is that I hope you were able to enjoy this story for what it is; its own unique entity, bred in angst, born in unease and raised with the care of someone who feels these characters on the deepest of emotional levels.

  Burn baby burn, right? :-D

  Acknowledgments

  God. Where do I even start?

  I always have to thank my wonderful fiancé first. Patrick is seriously the best. He’s not a reader in the slightest, especially not romance, but he sits quietly and lets me read scenes to him, gives me his input and honestly, I think it’s more helpful than any beta feedback I’ve ever gotten (no offense guys lol). But seriously, he’s objective, he’s a guy, and he doesn’t sugarcoat things. He always tells me he true feelings, and I love it so much. It’s like market research lol. I’m eternally grateful to him for his everlasting support, even when he drives me crazy and stresses me out by getting my books and characters confused. But I can’t blame him. He’s a good doobie.

  To my editor - Cady Heron, I call her. Like from Mean Girls. Anyway, girlfriend, you have become my shining star. To think when we started out on this journey together neither of us knew what dialogue tags were. And now you’re transforming my massive works of romantic fiction from jumbled blobs of crazy into masterpieces worthy of their words. I can never thank you enough for what you’ve done for me. But maybe I should stop praising you before you ask for a raise. You suck, Cady. It’s not my fault you’re like in love with me or something.

  Ja-ja-ja-Jadaaaa! Jada D’Lee, what the hell more can I say to my ride or die? My cover queen. My book designer extraordinaire. Lazarus was a challenge all around, for me, you, freaking everyone. But I think that says something. It’s not your run-of-the-mill easy project. This book is complex, and when I say you nailed it, I mean you mo-fuggin NAILED it. (And shoutout to Mario Hervas, my crush turned cover model). Seriously though, I have never been more blown away by a cover you’ve created for me, and I want you to know how strongly I appreciate and value the work you do. You’re a goddess, and I thank you so very much for not murdering me after my eight-millionth email.

  Julia Scott of Evenstar Books, aka Julesies, my hugely talented formatter. You’re my interior queen. Another person I put through the ringer with constant changes, badgering and nit-picking. You’re a wizard, and the work you do on my books explodes my mind. Between you and Jada, you guys make my books look like they belong on shelves next to traditionally published works and THAT right there is the most important thing to me. Thank you for being here for me, despite being an author yourself and wanting to spend your time writing your own books. You’re an insanely talented designer, and a wonderful friend, and I adore you forever.

  To the gals at Books And Moods: Thank you for being my PR queens! This was my first run at doing things legit, and I think it went over splendidly. From the graphics to the sign-ups and everything in between, Julie, Mary and Val, you ladies rocked house. I’m so darn grateful.

  My Flipping Hot Fam! Aprill, Merci (a certain purple-haired character is named after her lol), Alex, Celena, Tracy, Elizabeth, allll my friends in the Flipping Hot Readers Group, and everyone else on my street team… I love you guys. Thank you for always being there for me, for listening to me rant and rave when I’m annoyed, letting me send drunk videos of myself to you in the group chat, and just generally being amazing humans. Thank you for sharing and engaging on social media, which you know is the bane of my existence. But having you all makes it much easier.

  The same goes for Peggy Spencer and Alessandra Vitale. Thank you two for letting me bounce ideas off you, and listening on as I blathered to you about Lazarus and Traci when they were just little peanut-sized ideas in my mind. You’re perfect, and I love you both. I couldn’t do this without you guys.

  My main bitch, Frances O’Brien (you and Lazarus are the best things to come out of 2020), my boo Eleanor Aldrick, and my former Brooklyn (now Maryland) Bitch, Anastasia King… Thank you for letting me ramble to you all the livelong day about my many frustrations. You just being there for me to vent to is all I could ask for in a friend. I lov
e you guys to death.

  To any other author friends, new and old, thank you for inspiring me and giving this loner a tribe. To the AMAZING bookstagrammers and bloggers who post and share my books, tag me in things, take beautiful photos, make sick-ass graphics… Everything you guys do is beyond appreciated. You can never know how much your love for my books means to me, but hopefully if I keep writing sexy tattooed grouches like Lazarus Weston it’ll make it up to you.

  And of course to the readers! My fans, if I actually have any (oh my God, who ever thought a dweeb like me could have fans? It makes no sense). Whether you’re someone who shares openly, DM’s me to chat books, likes a post, or sits quietly in the background and just reads my books, you’re all considered my friends. I still have to pinch myself regularly because of where I am and how far I’ve come, and this is just the beginning! But it’s you guys who have made this dream for me a reality, and for that I can say I’m so mother-loving grateful. I’m not going to get sappy, but just know that I love you all. I’ll keep writing big thicccc *insert eggplant emoji* books with characters you can love and relate to, and give you a reprieve from the bullshit of real life.

  Much love forever,

  Nyla K

  Author of Flipping Hot Fiction

  About The Author

  Hi, guys! I'm Nyla K, otherwise known as Nylah Kourieh; an awkward sailor-mouthed lover of all things romance, existing in Brooklyn, New York with my fiance, who you can call PB, or Patty Banga, if you're nasty. When I'm not writing and reading, I'm exploring the city, working at my day job, eating lots of yummy food and fussing over my kitten (and no, that's not a euphemism). Did I mention I have a dirtier mind than probably everyone you know?

  I like to admire hot guys (don't we all?) and book boyfriends, cake and ice cream are my kryptonite. I can recite every word that was ever uttered on Friends, Family Guy, and How I Met Your Mother, red Gatorade is my lifeblood, and I love to sing, although I've been told I do it in a Cher voice for some reason.