∞∞∞
In a pair of pajama pants sewn by Larissa that featured a space theme with little dragons wearing helmets, Rafferty relaxed on a sofa with a beer in his hand. The movies were over, and he and Aleksander had retreated to a private lounge room several hours ago. It was about three in the morning, but he had no rush to find his bed; he was enjoying talking with his best friend.
“Don’t make me eat this by myself,” Aleksander demanded, taking a handful of the popcorn smothered in white and milk chocolate they’d stolen from the huge buffet Noirin and Kendrick had set out for their evening.
Rafferty glanced to make sure his hoodie covered all his lumps. “Please, the last thing I need is more food.”
“What’s that mean? Are you full?”
Turning on his side to face Aleksander, who was only a few feet from him with the bowl of food between them, he gave him an incredulous look. “I’m fat.”
“The fuck?”
“You’re too nice. You’ll never admit it, but I’m probably the only fat dragon you’ve ever seen. I’ve had people stop and stare.”
Aleksander shuddered. “I hate it when people stare at me, but there’s nothing wrong with your body. You like food, and maybe you twisted that in your mind to mean you’re fat, but that’s not the case.”
Since Rafferty didn’t believe him and refused to keep arguing with him, he changed the subject. “You and Dra’Kaedan have an interesting relationship.”
With a laugh, Aleksander nodded. “Yes, we do. One day he knocked on my front door and completely upended my life. There’s only one other person who has ever affected me so profoundly. We call each other names and swap fake insults but the reality is, there’s a deep well of love and respect there. He’s an incredible man with a fiery temper and a heart of pure gold. And he’s had choices. When the Coven of Warlocks was awarded land and money, he could’ve moved his sanctuary there so he could run it without interference. Instead, he deeded the land to Court Bera, and the money went into a fund for the sanctuary. He pays Court D’Vaire monthly for every piece of food and household or personal item purchased by Noir and Kendrick for any applicant accepted, as well as a rental fee for their rooms. Those were his ideas, and I agreed only if he would give me a percentage of the annual revenue he gets from donations to invest.”
“Who was the other person who affected you?”
“My mate.”
“You looked really nice in your crown and everything.” Rafferty rolled his eyes. “Why the fuck do I keep using the word ‘nice’? I mean handsome.”
“There’s nothing wrong with ‘nice,’ but is it hard for you to think of me as handsome?”
Suddenly uncomfortable, Rafferty shifted on the dragonskin couch as he tried to put his thoughts in some semblance of order. Reaching over, he set his bottle down after draining his beer. “I don’t know. I still can’t figure out if I’m gay or not. I mean, I guess Fate thinks so, but then why did she make my family so intolerant? I’m not sure they could ever come to terms with you being my mate. I like being with you, and we talk constantly. I’ve never been closer to anyone, but I don’t want to lead you on because I just don’t know if I might be able to move forward with the relationship you want.”
“Rafe, there’s no deadline here. I’m not the one who must face my family. My sexuality is not in question either. You don’t have to make promises or anything of the sort. What I want is for you to continue to be my best friend. We can figure out if there’s anything more when or if you’re ever comfortable with that.”
“I keep asking myself if I was gay all along and just buried it because of my family. I don’t know. There’s so much confusion in my head. When we kiss, I wonder what it would be like to go a little further, but I’m terrified of it at the same time. Something’s wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you. If your family was accepting, do you think the fear you have of intimacy would be there?”
It was simply too embarrassing to admit that until Aleksander he couldn’t imagine anything sexual with someone else, so Rafferty shrugged. “I have no idea. I’m just trying to figure out who I really am, what my feelings mean, and what a realistic goal is for the future.” Lifting his head, their gazes locked. “What I do know is that no one is as important to me as you.”
“Thank you for your honesty, Rafe. It’s courageous of you to tell me what you’re feeling and that you even want to continue trying to figure out what this thing is that Fate has given us. Your eyes…with those beautiful thick lashes,” Aleksander said quietly. Setting aside the popcorn, he scooted a little closer. “They give away what you’re thinking. At least to me, and I can see the confusion when you look at me. I know there’s a war inside you. There’s nothing wrong with that, and I’m here for you, okay? I don’t ever want to do anything to spook you into thinking that I’m going to get fed up or stop talking to you.”
Rafferty shifted so that there were only a few inches between them. “I don’t know what we have, but I like it.”
“You feel like giving me a kiss?”
Rafe lifted his arms and managed to get them around Aleksander’s shoulders. His reward with a smiling dragon holding him, though not tightly, which Rafferty appreciated. Tilting his head, he pressed his mouth to Aleksander’s, but instead of the light busses they’d shared, he gave his bottom lip a tiny lick. Aleksander took advantage of Rafe’s shy invitation and gently slid his tongue forward. Rafferty stroked it with his own, and soon they were both exploring each other without any urgency.
To Rafferty’s astonishment, as they lay there making out, his cock grew hard. His mind might still be figuring things out, but suddenly his body knew what it wanted. It probably should’ve terrified him, but it felt natural to want Aleksander. Everything about him was comforting, and no one else had ever understood him the way Aleksander did. Somewhere in his baffled mind, it made sense that it was his best friend who enticed him, and when they were kissing, it didn’t matter that he was a guy.
Before he was ready, Aleksander pulled away to drop kisses on his nose and on each closed eyelid. “How’d we do?” he murmured.
Lifting the lashes Aleksander had praised, Rafferty gazed into his mate’s gorgeous face and they both smiled. “I’m not going to compliment it because I’ll say something stupid like nice, but I really enjoyed it.”
Aleksander chuckled. “I enjoyed it too. You feel like doing it again?”
“Absolutely.”
Chapter 16
Rafferty had known from the moment he arrived at D’Vaire that saying good-bye wouldn’t be easy, but as he stood there waiting for Dra’Kaedan to teleport him, he desperately wanted to make promises he couldn’t possibly keep. Although he wanted to tell Aleksander he’d never leave, that there was nowhere he’d rather be than with him, and he’d work through his issues to be a good mate, he didn’t. Instead, he allowed Aleksander to hold him, and their lips met with urgency and honesty.
With no idea how many weeks would pass until he’d get the chance again, Rafferty put everything he was into their mouth-on-mouth, and there was just as much longing in the way Aleksander’s tongue hungrily sought out his. There was no longer a question in Rafferty’s mind if he was attracted to Aleksander. Whether he’d been gay or not all along no longer mattered. Aleksander was his mate, and he was the only person Rafferty had ever been able to imagine himself with.
When he had no choice but to break away to breathe, Rafferty laid his forehead onto Aleksander’s collarbone, and the other dragon dropped a kiss on his stubbled hair.
“I wish you didn’t have to go,” Aleksander murmured.
“Me too,” Rafferty replied, forcing himself to straighten. Their eyes met, and there was warmth in Aleksander’s beautiful gaze. “I’ve got to figure this out. I don’t want to be gone so long, but my father counts on me too. I’m not sure what the answers are yet, but I need to work through my issues.”
“I’m here waiting for you. I know you h
ave a lot on your plate. We’ll make do until you can come back, okay?”
“Thanks for everything, I had a really great time.”
“I did too. You’ve got an open invitation, so don’t waste it, yeah?”
Reluctantly, Rafferty stepped away, and his arms fell to his sides as the distance between him and Aleksander grew. “I’ll text you.”
“You better.”
Letting Dra’Kaedan know he was ready, Rafe took a moment to memorize the smile on Aleksander’s face as a strange chill swept over him. A voice in his head whispered that nothing would be the same when he returned to D’Vaire. Rafferty took that to mean he’d find the courage to stand up for what he had discovered was inside of him and who he truly was. When he had no choice but to close his eyes, Rafferty ignored his grumbling belly once at the Dérive station and was pleasantly surprised when both the Grand Warlock and the Grand Duke hugged him before they disappeared.
Walking outside, he found Sullivan already waiting for him at the curb. “Get in the car, Paunchy,” he shouted out the window.
“Thanks for picking me up,” Rafferty said, climbing inside.
“Did you lose weight?”
Pleased that Sullivan noticed, Rafferty nodded. “A little. Aleksander and I flew every day, which allowed my dragon to burn up calories.”
“That wasn’t the deal. You know better than to get your dragon used to that. There’s no way you can do it that often at home.”
Rafferty frowned. Building a tentative bridge between him and the beast that had never liked him due to his need to keep him bottled up constantly was enjoyable, but whatever progress he’d made evaporated. A grumble reached his head followed by a loud roar. “I know that.”
“And ‘Aleksander’ is it now? What happened to His Highness?”
“You’ve been to his house. You know they’re informal. I spent a week there—I’ve gotten used to calling him Aleksander,” Rafferty replied, thrilled beyond measure that he hadn’t slipped and called him Sander. A second later, both he and his dragon were pissed off that he had to hide his connection and, more importantly, his feelings for him.
“I’m not sure you should keep returning. We’re doing fine without D’Vaire right now, and you get such an attitude when you hang around them. Maybe you should give me your phone so you can’t keep texting him.”
“Sully, all I said was that he prefers Aleksander, and I want to keep talking to him. We’re friends.”
“Why would he pick you as a friend?”
Rafferty stared out the window and wondered why he always had to fight with his family. The only thing he wanted was to be himself and find a way to keep his alliance between the two courts as he figured out what kind of future was possible. “I don’t know,” he eventually muttered.
When they got to the house, Rafferty went up to his room and emptied his suitcase. Venturing back downstairs, he was told that his father was out for the rest of the night with a new lady friend. There were chores waiting for him, which included mundane things like laundry for the twins, sweeping the main floor, and other cleaning tasks. As he moved through the list left by his father, Rafferty allowed his mind to wander.
It was slightly infuriating to have to leave Aleksander to fold his brothers’ underwear simply because the pair was too lazy to do it on their own. Whatever important duties were always carried out by Sullivan while Rafferty was left with a great deal of crap. Although his father counted on him, these tasks were less important than being with Aleksander and exploring what was growing between them.
Rafferty wasn’t sure why it’d taken him so long to see Aleksander in a sexual light or why he was the first person to ever make him need. Perhaps he’d just been biding his time for his mate to show up and was so scared of dealing with being homosexual that he had buried it. There wasn’t much discussion around his home about things like that unless it was disparaging remarks about the queers who allowed themselves to fall from grace with men or the next woman his father or brothers wanted to fuck.
The Council believed that there was nothing wrong with loving someone no matter their gender, and Rafferty had known that deep inside. Whatever was wrong with him that dissuaded him from seeking out a partner was irrelevant. Rafferty did want to be with Aleksander, and coming to that conclusion was both frightening and exciting. Scrubbing furiously to clean his brother’s filthy bathroom, Rafferty made a mental inventory of the things he needed to do before returning to D’Vaire.
Although he worked out with weapons every day at Court Kestle, he was still fat, which made him uncomfortable with his body. Being out of his dragon for another long stretch wasn’t going to help matters, so he was going to search and figure out what humans did to burn calories. If he added more exercise and reduced his portions, he was sure he could look better naked, which would boost his confidence. While he worked on that, he could figure out how to reveal his true relationship with Aleksander to his family.
Not wanting to hurt his father, Rafferty also refused to walk away from his home with a vast rift sitting between him and the men who cared about him. They were intolerant, but surely their love for him would pave a road for some level of acceptance. Although he wasn’t fond of teleporting, perhaps he could travel back to Kestle to help out after he made a permanent move to D’Vaire to explore his relationship with Aleksander. Or perhaps it was best to try building intimacy with Aleksander before he packed his bags? Rafferty didn’t know what was best and thought it was something he should discuss with Aleksander as soon as he was able to be honest with his father and brothers. Although he was frightened, it was either find his courage or sacrifice whatever possibilities existed for him and Aleksander.
∞∞∞
For a month, Rafferty focused on building his bravery as Court Kestle settled into a comfortable routine. Their Majesties had pared down their phone calls to check in on them to only once every few weeks, which had lessened Charlton’s anxiety. Charlton and Sullivan dated and hung out most nights, leaving Rafferty on his own. To the amusement of the twins, Rafferty was trying several different aerobic activities to hopefully get in shape. Refusing to give in to their teasing, he’d discovered that he liked to jog. It cleared his mind and although his pants were only a little looser since his dragon was again relegated into an angry, menacing beast that wished for freedom and his mate, Rafferty was determined to continue.
Since Nollan and Neil had finally found some fear of the Order of the Fallen Knights, they were behaving themselves. When they weren’t laughing at Rafferty, the twins were in the living room, playing the video game system Sullivan bought them to keep them out of trouble. They made friends through the online features and rushed to fill mealtime with details about their new pals. Rafferty had no interest in finding new buddies; he devoted himself to talking to Aleksander. Since Charlton had refused his requests to visit, Rafferty had stopped asking. His feelings for Aleksander only strengthened with each day that passed, and he was tired of hiding it.
Fear filled him at the idea of coming clean to any Kestle, but he was sick of missing Aleksander and annoyed at his lack of courage. Needing to be strong, he was ready to tell them about his mate so they could come to a resolution that would allow him to leave Kestle without any guilt or remorse for leaving his father in a tough spot.
In order to move into the future, Rafferty had to set a new course, so he was both terrified and anxious when Sullivan told them at dinner that his date had canceled. The twins had left half their food on their plate to join some event with their game, and Charlton was wrapping up his meal to head off to meet a woman he’d been seeing regularly.
“Okay, boys, enjoy your night. I’ll return in the morning,” Charlton said on his way out.
“See you later, Your Highness,” Rafferty responded. When Sullivan scooted his chair back, Rafferty let out a shaky breath and set his fork down. “Sully, can I talk to you?”
“I guess I don’t have anything better to do.”
“
The study maybe? I want privacy.”
Sullivan shrugged and Rafferty followed his brother out of the dining room. They made the short walk in silence; then Rafferty shut them in the study where they kept their small supply of books. His older sibling sprawled over the sofa and Rafferty grabbed the chair across from him. Hands trembling, Rafferty suddenly wondered if he was going to be able to get the words out.
“What do you want, Paunchy?”
“I have something to tell you.”
“I know that. That’s why I’m in here, so get on with it already.”
“It’s not easy.”
“Why not? Did you get in trouble like the twins? Are the fallen knights going to show up on the doorstep again?”
“Nothing like that.”
“Well, what?”
“Didn’t I just tell you it wasn’t easy?” Rafferty snapped. “I’m working on it.”
Sullivan rolled his eyes dramatically. “You know it’s not too late for me to find someone to fuck tonight. That would be a lot more interesting than sitting here watching you sweat.”
“High King Aleksander D’Vairedraconis is my mate,” Rafferty blurted out.
Sitting up straight, Sullivan stared at him and there was nothing in his gaze to read. Rafferty was baffled as the silence stretched—he’d expected yelling, name-calling, and any manner of insults, but instead Sullivan just sat there.
“Did you hear me? I’ve got a mate and it’s a man.”
“I heard you.”
“I’ve decided I want to be with Aleksander. I think, anyway. I’m not sure about the future, but who could be,” Rafferty babbled. “I need your help to tell Father. I don’t want to let him down or make him think I’m simply walking away from my title and responsibilities. I’m willing to find a compromise so I can still help him. I don’t know if Aleksander would want me to come to D’Vaire now or later when our relationship is stronger. That’s supposing, of course, that we can make things work.”
Heart of the High King (D'Vaire, Book 19) Page 12