While he appreciated not being put on the spot for things that Aleksander should be taking care of, Rafe was starting to feel like an interloper in his mate’s mansion, but that was his fault. It was Rafe that was lost, and he desperately wished he could figure out how to fit into the role that was expected of him. Rafe understood he was capable of plenty. Rafe had survived what many had told him was impossible, and he’d done it by focusing on his relationship with Aleksander.
Now he had to figure out a way to be the person Aleksander could rely upon and trust because he could not live with himself if he ever let him down again. It was also important that he build faith in himself to cultivate the poise and confidence he needed to gain self-respect. It was a great deal of pressure, and his brain kept circling back to the weight of his responsibilities.
The gorgeous ring on his finger was a symbol of their love, but it was also a reminder to be someone Aleksander could continue to care for and not disappoint either of them by being an evil asshole like his father and brother. Rafe was learning to love himself, and it meant making himself into a different man than he’d been for centuries. Realizing that he was once again allowing himself to fall into a whirlwind of self-imposed expectations and the trauma of his past, Rafe forced his attention to the present.
“Thanks, guys, for showing up tonight. I mean, of course you’re here. None of you would miss it. I didn’t mean it like that. Fuck. Just thanks for coming or whatever.” Living up to the example of Aleksander was daunting, and Rafe was doing a shit job. “Yeah, uh. Dra’Kaedan, you have sanctuary stuff?”
“We sure do,” Dra’Kaedan responded, handing stacks of papers to his familiar and mate. Rafe clutched a copy in his hands after passing around the pile. Although he’d read it five times before the meeting to be sure he could answer any questions, he didn’t think having a reference was a bad thing. “This application is for Jeremiah Wellsdraconis.”
“My dragon trainer, Jeremiah?” Carter asked. “He’s asking for sanctuary?”
“Yep, that Jeremiah. As you know by now, he’s shifted but didn’t ask any of us to fucking attend,” Dra’Kaedan responded. “Has anybody seen him? Rafe? I want to see these glitter scales.”
“I did talk to him a little bit. He called me this morning to check on Sander, but I didn’t see him.”
“Are we going to vote on this?” Kendrick asked.
“After you guys ask whatever questions you have, yeah,” Rafe responded.
“Is that appropriate? Aleksander’s not available. It’s hardly unanimous if he’s not able to vote. Would you allow him to come to D’Vaire while the High King is out of commission?” Kendrick asked. Although his tone was polite, his eyes were full of venom. His brother wasn’t shy about making his opinion known. Rafe already understood that Kendrick had no use for him, and it only reinforced his idea that the D’Vaires tolerated him as Aleksander’s mate. Someday Rafe hoped they would find him worthy, because he was determined to work hard.
“Aleksander has spoken highly of Jeremiah. He’s the one who suggested I work with him to get my dragon back, and I’ve been told Jeremiah has an open invitation to visit D’Vaire whenever he wants. I think we can safely assume he wouldn’t want us to delay this.”
“I’m not questioning how his vote would go. I agree, I think he would be on board. My issue is that Jeremiah’s not in any immediate danger, so what’s the rush? Surely we can wait until Aleksander’s able to participate in the process like everyone else.”
“Mean.”
Rafe scratched Mortis’s head while he gathered his wits. “I believe my mate would be more upset if we allowed Jeremiah to stay in a situation where he’s unhappy, even if it amounted to only days, than missing a vote where there’s no argument about which way he would lean. Are there any further questions?”
“Can I just say I’m pissed?” Carter shot out. “I didn’t even know those asshats at Court Wells didn’t like him, and I tried talking him into asking Aleksander if he could transfer here. I can’t believe he let this go on when he could’ve been here.”
“Elf wasn’t too happy either when I asked him to put together a letter for his file,” Mac confided. “He was frustrated that Jeremiah didn’t discuss his situation with anyone.”
“Does any fucking body have any objections to Jeremiah?” Carter demanded.
“Nope,” Dra’Kaedan said. “Rafe?”
“So uh…just raise your hand if you think Jeremiah should become a D’Vaire,” Rafe managed.
“That means you too, Nox and Mortis,” Noirin told the wolves, who each dutifully lifted a paw to make Jeremiah the first recipient to Dra’Kaedan’s Coven that Rafe got to vote on.
“Dra’Kaedan, did you want to call him in the morning? I don’t see any reason why he can’t move in as soon as he wants.”
“I’d love to, and I’ll tell him we’re ready for him.”
“Questions about other stuff?” Rafe asked.
“So, we’re working on this guidebook, and we need photos of everybody, so Evlithar and I would like to get that done this week. We’re not going to have anything ready for Jeremiah, but hopefully by the next household addition, we can have a sample. So, if you’ve got a special outfit you want to wear or something like that, tell me so we can arrange a time for you,” Renny requested.
“And we’re putting together a little paragraph about each of you, so if you have certain things you want people to know, text me or Lucian,” Kitchi added.
“Ashby and I were assigned to do information about the different offices, locations of stuff, and who to go for what so see one of us for specifics on that,” Royce tacked on.
“When Aleksander wakes up, he and I will address the portion for house rules, but you can email or text me things you can think of or even suggestions on ones you feel need to be addressed or done away with. I’ll take all that information to Aleksander,” Rafe stated.
“We’re going to put together welcome packets with some goodies that have the D’Vaire logo,” Evlithar revealed. “If there were special things you needed right away when you arrived, let any of us know. We’re going to put samples of basic hygienic necessities, and we want some fun things, too.”
“I guess you guys took that little guidebook idea and ran with it,” Kendrick observed.
“Yep, Rafe wants to do everything he can to make sure new people feel welcome,” Renny enthused.
“If that’s everything, then you’re free to enjoy the rest of your evening,” Rafe said, getting to his feet and wandering out of the living room. Opening the door to his bedroom, just as he expected, there was a tall dragon still sleeping in his sturdy four-poster haven.
“Hey, Sander,” Rafe murmured. Setting his tablet aside, he changed into his pajamas. It wasn’t even eight in the evening but he had no plans, so he climbed up next to Aleksander and traced his finger over the part of his arm that was visible above the blankets. There was less than an inch of the mating mark that should’ve been a dragon but was instead a sad outline of a beast who’d long ago crossed the veil, disappointing Rafe and his other half.
“Our meeting’s done, and Jeremiah got approved to be a D’Vaire. He’s a dragon trainer so when you get up, we need to talk about him. Shouldn’t he be a duke? I think there would be outright mutiny if I gave him the title without you. I’m not a leader to them. Kendrick referred to you as ‘The High King,’ and no one corrected him. I know it shouldn’t hurt my feelings, but it did. Isn’t that stupid?”
Rafe shifted so he could lay his head on Aleksander’s chest. The gentle rise and fall as he breathed soothed him, and he liked hearing the beating of his heart. “I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. I hope you get up so you can come with me. I jogged hard for thirty minutes tonight. My endurance is building up, and I like the weapons stuff. Those sentinels are impossible to keep up with, but I like the challenge. Wait until you see how good Madeline, Noirin, and Renny are with their swords. They’re learning faster than everyone else, but n
obody is doing terrible.”
Reaching down, Rafe snagged the throw that belonged in the living area. Snuggling with it, he still refused to get under the blankets with Aleksander—not that it mattered, he only slept in snatches. “I feel horrible that I’m a shitty ruler. Fate meant for me to support you as your mate, and I want to do that for you. The sad part is, I understand where the D’Vaires are coming from. I get scared. I have no idea what I’m doing. My dukedom was a damn joke. I had no authority, and they know I left you. The rules of the Council are clear, and I broke them.”
A tear slipped out of one eye, but Rafe ignored it. “I’m sorry for that, you know. I can’t remember if I told you that. So much has happened so fast, sometimes I think I’m still back in that fucking mine holding on to nothing but the dream of you. What if I fail you? I don’t know if I’m good at this mate stuff. I know when I’m with you that we fit. I don’t understand what you see in me, but I’m not going to question it. I refuse to pick it apart and ruin this thing we’ve built. I don’t want to ever disappoint you again, which is why you seriously need to wake up before I fuck up your whole court. I found that box in the living area with the Aleksanta letters. It’s awesome that they call you that, and I cried when I read them. I hope you don’t mind that I peeked in there, but I’m glad I did. It’s beautiful the way they love you.”
The bed shifted, and Rafe scowled as the two wolves climbed up onto the mattress. “What the hell, guys? You’re too damn big to be in the bed with us.”
“Love Rafe. Cuddle.”
“Go cuddle Nox. What the fuck?”
Both animals ignored him as they shifted around until they curled up in a giant mass of fur next to him. “This is ridiculous.”
“Cozy. You talk to Aleksander more.”
“Now I feel stupid.”
“Do it. Aleksander hear you.”
“Sander, wake up and tell these wolves to go to their own damn room,” Rafe muttered. “I thought I was doing a decent job of trying to get people to find some faith in me, but one of them is quite open about their disdain for me. It’s impossible to know if everyone dislikes me that strongly. Are you mad I spent money on weapons and clothes? Larissa hasn’t bought me much. Mostly shoes since I don’t want stuff I’m going to outgrow soon. I don’t see you objecting to a room for Nox and Mortis, but maybe I was too extravagant? I guess I need to get some kind of concept of money.”
“Love new room. Nox make Mortis very happy in private. We hump.”
“I swear to Fate, Mortis, if you start talking about wolf sex, I’m kicking you both right the fuck out of here.”
“Now Mortis know why Rafe yell so much when Aleksander on top of him.”
Rafe smacked a hand over his face and couldn’t believe he was blushing at the words of his crazy wolf. “It wasn’t until this minute I realized what a fucking freak I am. Ironic isn’t it, since my mate’s the High King of them. I miss you, Sander. It wasn’t until I met you that I understood what genuine love feels like. My feelings for you help wash away the ugliness inside me. Thank you for being my best friend. I know I’m strong. I can work hard, and I do have things to offer the world. But you, Sander…you make me feel invincible.”
Chapter 61
While the rest of the family was anxiously awaiting Jeremiah’s arrival the following day, Rafe was teleported to the hospital with two wolves, a warlock, two darkfallen, and the Grand Duke. They poked and prodded at Rafe; then he was instructed to wait in the exam room for Dr. Suricata. When she walked in with a deep frown, Rafe was unsurprised.
“Do you know what I’m looking at?” she asked, waving his file.
“Yeah.”
“Didn’t I specifically tell you to gain weight?”
“Yeah.”
“So, tell me why you’re a pound lighter than the last time I saw you. And while you’re at it, explain those dark circles under your eyes. Where’s His Highness? Did something happen between you two? Rafe, you’ve come too far to let anything get in the way of your progress. If things aren’t going well, we can get you a counselor.”
Rafe shifted uncomfortably as he stared at his dragonskin boots. “No, Sander and I are fine. Mortis needed his mate, so the Arch Lich resurrected this guy, Nox,” Rafe explained. The wolf in question walked over to sniff the meerkat.
“Fate’s sake, how didn’t I see you?” Dr. Suricata asked Nox, petting his head. “You’re enormous. But shouldn’t you be with His Highness?”
“Sander’s in some kind of coma thing. It’s been close to two weeks. We don’t know how long it’s going to take for him to wake up.”
“Which explains the weight loss and lack of sleep. Rafe, you’ve had an incredibly traumatic year, and the last thing you need right now is stress. Your mate would want you to take care of yourself, including eating right and getting plenty of rest.”
Lifting a shaking hand to his mouth, Rafe hated that he had to discuss things with an audience. “The night terrors are really bad right now. I guess I’m afraid he won’t wake up or something. They keep telling me he’s going to be okay, but I used to think I had a pretty good life once too. Shit happens, you know.”
“A lesson you’ve had to learn much harder than most,” Dr. Suricata said. “I’d offer to prescribe you something to help you sleep, but you aren’t going to take it, are you?”
“No.”
“Fine, but if you haven’t gained weight by our next appointment, you’re going on an appetite stimulant, whether you like it or not. I don’t want to have to hospitalize you and force food into you, so don’t make me. You aren’t near that point yet, but you’ll get there if you don’t eat. Rafe, I don’t care if you’re hungry. I want you eating every two to three hours, even if it’s snacking, is that understood?”
“Yeah.”
“Your blood work looks good, although the values are a little lower. How long has it been since His Highness bit you?”
“Since the night before Nox was resurrected,” Rafe responded with heat creeping up his neck.
Dr. Suricata sat and jotted on his file. “When he wakes up, let’s make sure that’s done weekly until your dragon returns. I don’t want to see these numbers getting any lower. You are virus and infection clear as far as we can tell, but you’re stressed and that can lower your immune system, so keep that in mind.”
“Okay. I haven’t been leaving D’Vaire.”
“Any issues with teleporting today?”
“Little stomach upset. Same as ever.”
“We’ve suspended Sorcery D’Vaire meetings until Aleksander wakes,” Saura explained. “But that doesn’t mean we aren’t still working on the project to come up with a treatment.”
“How’s the dragon training going?”
“I haven’t been doing it since Sander went to sleep, but my dragon trainer is moving to D’Vaire, so I can get started on it again as soon as my mate is awake.”
“Do you find yourself with an inability to focus?”
“No, I’ve been doing my normal job during the day. I’ve just added some new projects and stuff.”
“It’s good that you’re keeping busy. Have you started exercising?”
“I started teaching swordplay to some D’Vaires, the sentinels are training me with daggers, and I’ve been jogging every night.”
“That’s a lot of exercising, which also might help explain why you haven’t gained anything.”
“I’d rather shove in additional calories than stop.”
“Okay, but I meant what I said. Gain some weight. Rafe, you’ve overcome insurmountable odds more than once. I know you have it in you to conquer anything, but give yourself a chance to feel too. Don’t bottle everything inside.”
“Rafe hide all feelings except from Aleksander.”
“No one asked you, Mortis. Thanks, Dr. Suricata. I’m doing my best.”
“Good, take care of yourself and I’ll see you in a few weeks.”
“I want to go home,” Rafe said the minute she was ou
t the door.
“You have to schedule your next appointment, so you need to wait for the nurse to come in here,” Brogan replied.
Irritated but knowing he was right, Rafe patiently waited for the nurse to appear. The card she handed him had the date and time, and Rafe wondered if Aleksander would be up to go with him. It was too damn depressing to think about, so he shoved it into his pocket when he was on his feet.
“I’ll talk to Noir about having food ready for you every couple of hours.”
“I can feed myself. I don’t want her to have to go out of her way to fix me extra stuff.”
“She’ll kill you if you dirty her kitchen,” Dra’Kaedan warned as they traveled toward the teleporting area.
“We have a kitchenette in our room. I’m going to order some shit online, okay?”
“We should’ve put one in ours,” Dra’Kaedan told Brogan.
“No, because I don’t want to constantly smell burnt cupcakes.”
The Grand Warlock got them home, and Rafe headed straight for his room to update Aleksander. And beg him to wake the fuck up.
∞∞∞
The only duchess who’d ever received a title on her merit in dragon history sauntered into the Royal Den to find the other dukes already waiting for her, so she took a seat at the round table in between her brother and her cousin.
“What’s up?” Noirin asked the Grand Duke who’d put together their meeting.
“We need to discuss Rafe.”
“He looks like shit,” Worth complained. “So, what do we do besides throw rocks at Aleksander’s granite skull until he wakes up?”
“The reality is, some of us know what the fuck Rafe went through. I still don’t understand how he’s even alive. He walked through our doors determined to die, and instead he gets talked into being healed. Luckily that worked out, but his whole world must feel like a revolving door. He barely gets a chance to accept a situation before there’s something else he has to adjust to. There’s been good shit obviously with him and Aleksander, but he’s understandably worried about his mate,” Brogan said.
Heart of the High King (D'Vaire, Book 19) Page 44