My eyes settled on Travis sitting at a corner table with his eyes focused on me. I walked toward him putting an extra sway in my hips when I noticed him stare at my legs.
He stood and pulled out a chair. His hand grazed the bare skin on my shoulder when he pushed it in sending chills down my spine. With my heart trying to beat its way out of my chest, I waved to Jessie, the bartender. He mouthed, “Coming right up.” He knew what I liked.
Travis and I talked about work for a few minutes, but not one for small talk, he abruptly switched the conversation to Craig. Travis heard all about our growing distance. The last time Travis came to The Hawthorne for training, we had drinks with the future managers. I drank a little too much and overshared that my husband had lost interest in me.
Stupid drinking.
“Since you agreed to meet me, I take it things between you and Craig haven’t improved?” he asked in a low seductive voice.
“You would be correct,” I admitted.
“I like you, K, but I avoid messing around with married women.”
K. He had called me K since the day we met, and I got a little flutter in my stomach every time at the intimacy of the nickname.
“Good, because I had no intention of messing around.” Liar liar pants on fire.
“Then why did you agree to meet?” He tilted his head, piercing me with his questioning gaze as one side of his lips lifted into a smirk.
He already knew the answer.
“I want to spend time with someone who wants to spend time with me.” He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would understand how much I needed him or at least his body.
“I want to spend time with you…preferably without clothes on.” I choked on my drink at his directness. In the past, he had only hinted about what he wanted from me. “Close your mouth, I know you already know what I want, so this couldn’t have been a surprise.”
“No. It’s not, I just didn’t expect you to come right out and say it.” I took another sip of my drink with a shaky hand.
Never in my life had I ever cheated on a partner no matter how badly the relationship might have been. And from the moment I sat down, my gut said no. Feeling rejected would never been a good enough excuse and cheating would never be an option. But I almost wished I could.
“Here’s it straight. I’m attracted to you. I’m not interested in having a girlfriend, but I need sex. I assume you’re not having sex with Craig.” I nodded my head against my better judgment. Craig had always been that protective barrier from Travis’s advances and my only excuse. “I know how we can fix both of our problems. I would be up for a sexual relationship with you as long as you aren’t having sex with anyone else. The same goes for me. Picking up women is getting old, especially when I’m interested in a gorgeous brunette who makes me hard with just her smile,” he stated plainly with no inflection in his voice, but the heated look in his eyes hit me between the thighs. I wanted nothing more than to scream, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” in more ways than one.
I wiped the bead of sweat running down my neck as I considered his offer.
“Think about it. You have my number.” I stared at him as my heart raced. A part of me wanted to throw up my hands and tell him to take me to his room. But I couldn’t. The guilt alone would break me and deep down, I didn’t want Travis. I wanted Craig and our marriage.
Just as I decided to leave Travis and his offer at the table, the sound of my phone ringing startled me. I looked up at the clock behind the bar noting the time. It was still too early for it to be Ryan, and Craig never called. With sweaty hands, I dug through my purse to find my phone.
Anna.
I cleared my throat that suddenly felt too dry. “Hey, Anna banana.”
Anna spoke, but each word came out jumbled and broken up between what sounded like sobs.
“Calm down. What’s wrong?” I kept my voice composed but grew worried with each breath.
“It’s Ryan,” she cried.
“What’s wrong with Ryan?” Without a word or acknowledgment of Travis, I stood, swung my purse over my shoulder and ran to the elevators to take me down to the hotel parking garage.
“He’s gone, Kimmie. He’s gone,” she sobbed.
What in the world? Ryan would never leave her. Ever.
“What do you mean?”
“There was a car and a sheet and ambulance and... He died.” Chills ran down my spine as I heard the sound of terror and devastation. The more she spoke, the less I understood.
Ryan’s dead?
No no no no no!
We texted this morning. It had to have been a mistake.
“I’m on my way. It’ll take me close to an hour to get through Portland traffic, but I’m coming.”
“This isn’t happening. Tell me this is just a nightmare,” Anna begged as she took deep shuttering breaths.
“I’ll call Mom and Dad and Ryan’s parents.” I drew in a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Anna, I’m coming.” I didn’t know what else to say to her and dropped my phone into my purse when she ended our call.
Just as I reached my car, it hit me all at once. He’s gone. I fell to my knees no longer able to hold myself up. My best friend in the world died. I beat my fist against my car. There had to have been a mistake.
Strong arms wrapped around me and pulled me up. “K, are you okay?” Travis lifted my chin to look into my eyes as he pushed my hair back. His worried expression matched my own.
Okay? I’ve never been less okay in my life.
“No,” I whispered.
I pushed him away as he tried to pull me into his arms. I climbed into my car and peeled out of the parking garage leaving a stunned Travis standing next to the spot I just left.
At the first stoplight, I called Mom and Dad. I whispered a word of thanks to a higher being when Dad answered. My voice broke as I repeated what Anna said. He yelled to Mom and told her to get in the car. By the time we hung up, they were on their way, and Mom was on the phone with Pete and Amber, Ryan’s parents.
The whole drive to Anna’s my brain raced a mile a minute. A small part of me held hope that there had been a mistake, and Ryan would be home with his feet up watching TV when I got to their house. But deep down, I knew the truth. My chest ached as I allowed myself to think about life without him.
3
When I first arrived at Anna’s house, her eyes were dry but red-rimmed and puffy. Our mother applied disinfectant to cuts on Anna’s hands and feet while she sat slumped on the edge of the bed staring at the floor. Her expression had been a mix of confusion, pain and maybe even denial.
I gave Mom a questioning look wondering how Anna hurt herself. She chewed on her lower lip as she looked at Anna then to me with glassy eyes. My breath caught when I saw the sadness in my mother’s eyes as she shook her head.
My mother had never been overly affectionate with Anna and me, but we knew she loved us no matter how much we disappointed her. But tonight I felt and saw how much she cared. Her daughter was experiencing the worst kind of emotional pain she would ever experience, and my mother hurt for her.
The soul-crushing loss I felt over losing Ryan would be nothing compared to Anna losing the love of her life. I couldn’t begin to imagine her pain.
“Anna, let’s get these off of you.” My mother and I each took a hand and helped her stand. She flinched in pain while Mom slid off Anna’s ripped pajama bottoms. She stepped out of them then winced as she sat back down.
Her knees were flaming red with scrapes and cuts and large bruises formed on the center of each knee. When she laid down, I noticed the cuts on the bottom of her feet. She whimpered as my mother washed her feet and checked each scrape.
Thirty minutes later, Anna took a seat on the couch wearing fresh pajamas.
From the moment I arrived, Claire, Anna’s eleven-year-old daughter, was the only person who cried. The adults in the house kept it together, at least in front of the kids but the sobs that racked Claire’s body broke our hearts and tested our
resolve. Claire went back and forth from screaming “no” to crying, “I want my dad.” Each time, Anna pinched her eyes closed and clenched her jaw to keep from crying.
Each of the grandparents took turns holding Claire, but she was beyond consoling. Nobody could replace the bond she shared with Ryan. He spoiled and doted on her from the moment he held her in his arms for the first time. No child should ever lose her father especially so young.
After putting Jakey, Anna’s two-year-old son, to bed, I encouraged the two older kids to do the same. I watched as relief washed over fifteen-year-old Nate, the oldest of the three children, as he passed me in the hall on his way to his bedroom.
He kept up a brave face for his mother, already taking the role of “man of the house”, but his facial expressions were tense, keeping his emotions at bay.
“Love you, Nateypants.” I patted his back and kissed his cheek. He nodded his head in response as tears formed in his eyes. Seconds later he disappeared into his room, closing the door behind him.
Amber, Ryan’s mother, followed Claire into her room offering to hold her until she fell asleep.
When Amber slipped out of Claire’s bedroom a half hour later, her steps on the hardwood floors broke the silence of the room. She took a seat next to Anna with my mother on the other side. Pete leaned against the fireplace staring at the photos lining the mantel. I took a seat on the floor in front of my dad and leaned my head against his legs as he caressed my cheek and ran a hand over my head.
Anna broke the silence when she cleared her throat and spoke with a strained voice. “Ryan was on his way back from picking up dinner when he got a flat tire. He called me to bring him a flashlight since it was dark and there weren’t any streetlights. Nate and Claire stayed home while Jakey came with me. On the way, I came upon an accident scene…” Her eyes pinched shut as she struggled to take a breath. “Someone hit him while he stood off to the side of the road waiting for me.” The air in the room disappeared as we all breathed in at the same time. Between cries, she told us that the EMT’s believed he died instantly.
I covered my mouth with a shaky hand as I swallowed down the pain. Once Anna started sobbing, I had to look away. Seeing my sister broken broke me. Anna had always been––fragile. I had to protect her and be the strong one. Ryan might have been my best friend, but he was her everything. I couldn’t be selfish at a time like this. Like Nate, once alone I would break down but not when Anna and the kids needed me.
Dad stood and pulled Anna into his arms. The rest of us surrounded her holding her as she wept into his chest. There were no words. The grief and pain hung heavy over the room. When Mom walked Anna to her bedroom later that night, I stepped outside to get some fresh air. I shook in the cool evening air unsure if it was from the weather or built up emotions.
Leaning against the house, I let tear after tear roll down my cheeks. A few minutes later, Pete followed me outside and wrapped his protective arms around me as I released my grief in the safety of his hold. He soothingly ran a hand up and down my back. Moments later Pete let go of me long enough to draw Amber into our circle.
“Shhhh,” Amber soothed while wiping the tears from my face. I had no idea how they could be so giving when their only child had just died, but then again it was exactly who they were. They were in pain; the evidence written on their drawn faces, and I knew it ran deeper than what they expressed. They had struggled for years to have Ryan and even though they wanted a house full of kids, they weren’t able to have any more.
By the time we stepped back into the house, Anna had fallen asleep. My mother kissed my cheek and told me to head home since all the parents were staying with her. Giving me a knowing stare as she let me go, she reminded me to call Craig––again. It had been no surprise to her that he hadn’t returned my calls.
Craig.
If I had admitted it to her, she would no doubt add it to the list of things she hated about him. Not once did she hide her dislike for him or how she barely tolerated his presence in my life, but then again she had never liked any of my former boyfriends. I should’ve been used to her judgmental looks and the slight digs at the man I married.
The fact she was right about him only pissed me off. I had called Craig multiple times and every time I got his voicemail. The first five times, I asked him to call me back; on the sixth, I broke down and told him about Ryan, hoping he would at least acknowledge he got my message but––nothing.
I hugged the parents goodbye and told them I’d be back later after I had gotten some sleep.
4
Dread and anxiety built in my chest as I drove home. Craig still hadn’t called me back. He had to have listened to my messages by now or he should at the very least been worried about where I’d been. Even if I had an event scheduled, I was usually home by now.
Once I entered Portland from the suburbs, the empty streets left a feeling of foreboding. I switched on the radio hoping to distract myself from the intense loneliness, but every song grated on my nerves until I could no longer take it and turned it off allowing the silence to envelop me. I wasn’t good on my own, especially when left alone with my thoughts.
I glanced at my cell phone lying on the passenger seat hoping to see my phone blink with a message, but still nothing.
While at Anna’s, I managed to push my dissolving marriage to the back of my mind but now alone and tired, I felt it. Craig should’ve called. He should’ve shown up at Anna’s. He should’ve been holding me instead of Pete. He should have done a lot of things.
I pulled into my driveway at 3:05 AM relieved to see Craig’s truck parked in front of the house, but my relief was quickly shoved aside as my anger built until it thrummed through my whole body.
Why didn’t he call?
I came up with possible excuses for why he would be so insensitive like I normally did. Maybe his phone died, perhaps he had fallen asleep or didn’t hear his phone, but I knew better than to make excuses for him.
I unlocked the front door and stepped inside. A small glow came from a lamp in the living room. When I took another step, I noticed Craig sit up straight in his hideous recliner with a blank expression on his face. He didn’t make a move or speak. He just stared.
Taking a deep breath, I laid my purse and keys on the bench next to the front door and took off my jacket, taking my time to hang it up in the closet. I wanted to scream at him and demand an explanation, but at the same time knew he wouldn’t tell me what I needed to hear. I shut the closet door and stood facing it, waiting for Craig to say something but still not a word.
Why couldn’t he stand up, walk over to me and pull me into his arms? For once, I needed him to put me first, comfort me, take care of me, and love me. I was falling apart, and he sat stiffly in that stupid chair not taking his eyes off of me.
I knew better, I really did. He had never been that for me—ever. Why did I expect anything different? But I did. I just wanted him to be my husband, a man who kissed my tears and sadness away. Who would tell me how sorry he was that I just lost my best friend in the world, the person I went to first and would never be able to speak to again.
Instead, he sat waiting for me. No longer able to take it anymore, I made the first move. His eyes followed me as I walked into the living room and stood a few feet from him. I understood what was about to happen, but I wanted to beg him not to say it. “Did you get my messages?” I asked.
“Yeah. I thought you would be home sooner. I’ve been waiting for you.” His voice expressed even less emotion than his face.
“Waiting for me? Why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you come to me? Why?” My voice rose with each question.
“Kim, I know this is bad timing, but I need to talk to you. It’s important.”
“Bad timing? I’m sorry Ryan’s death inconvenienced you,” I spit out in a half cry. He winced at my remark but quickly returned to his blank expression. I shook my head in frustration and asked, “What about?” My legs shook beneath me knowing what was coming,
knowing my heart couldn’t take much more.
I felt the seconds tick past and grew increasingly panicked as he stumbled over words that didn’t make sense. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “Please don’t leave me. Please, not now. I need you.” I realized how pathetic I sounded, but I didn’t care, and he didn’t respond. When I looked into his eyes I saw the end. We were over.
Why now?
Why today?
For a moment, my devastation turned to anger. I fisted my hands and braced myself. “Why couldn’t you give me one thing in this marriage? Why did you always have to take? You’re taking my heart, my dreams, and doing it on the worst day of my life.” My voice grew strength with every question, but he sat staring at me with that stupid blank expression.
“I think we both know this isn’t working, and it hasn’t for a long time,” he finally said with an annoying amount of calm.
I fell back onto the couch and stared at the man who four years ago in front of our families, promised to love me forever. “You’re leaving tonight?”
“Yes. I was supposed to leave hours ago, but I wanted to talk to you before I...” At that very moment, his phone dinged from an incoming text. Who would text at three in the morning?
My jaw clenched as the realization hit me. Another woman. “Where are you going? Where do you need to be?”
“I…uh...” He fumbled with his words like a gutless asshole.
“Another woman?” I asked.
“Yes.” He looked down at his hands that gripped his phone. “I told her I would be home tonight.”
“Home?” My chest tightened the same way it had only hours ago when I received the call from Anna. “Home?” I repeated. “This is your home.”
“Kim, this has always been your home, you just let me live here. Everything in this house is yours,” he said with a calm and practiced voice. The vacant stare returned, and I wanted to slap it right off his face.
“I always thought of it as ours. Half the furniture in this house, you picked out.” I pointed to the hideous beast that he currently sat in.
Love Me Page 2