by Anna Archer
“Yes, the one you said you preferred.” Eve smiled under the soft rubber. It was a huge pull-on Frankenstein face mask complete with neck bolt and cost an awful lot more than she’d been hoping to pay, but Manny, who’d been with her via FaceTime in the fancy dress shop changing rooms, had insisted that this mask would do a much better job of concealing her identity than the one that had elastic-at-the-back and showcased her ears and hair. Manny had gone on to say that Eve had beautifully distinctive ears with nibbleable lobes to which Eve had blushed and pulled on the full-face mask instead.
“Are you in the limo? There should be a fridge full of Champagne for us. Can you see it?”
“I’m on the balcony looking down at the carpark.”
“What are you doing up there?”
“I thought I’d watch the fireworks while I was waiting.”
“Well get downstairs and get in the limo and ask the driver, in a deep disguised voice, to come to the King John’s Tavern.”
“I can’t do that!”
“You have to, Eve.”
“At least stay on the line with me.”
“Fine, practice as you’re heading down. Just say,” Manny’s voice dropped an octave, “King John’s Tavern, please guvnor.”
Eve laughed as she pushed through the glass doors back into her apartment block’s corridor. “King John’s Tavern, please guvnor.”
“Perfect! And make sure you’re walking like you’ve got a big pair of bollocks hanging between your legs.”
“I’m not doing that!”
“Do it,” instructed Manny.
Eve laughed as she called for the lift, stepping backwards and watching her reflection in the chrome doors as she walked forwards again, this time with a wider gait.
“You’re doing it, aren’t you?”
“I’m trying!”
“Good, make your arms wide too, like you’ve got massive bicep muscles that won’t sit against your body. It’s like you lead your walk with your elbows.”
Eve stepped into the lift and pressed the button for the ground floor, staring at her reflection as she lifted her arms out to the sides and tried to walk around the small area. “I look like an idiot!”
“You don’t, you look great.”
“How do you know?”
“I can imagine. Now, walk to the limo like that, use the deep voice to tell the driver where to go and settle down in the back.”
“Stay on the line,” gasped Eve as the lift doors pinged open, “I’m nervous!”
“Oh bless you, okay, go for it.”
“I’m going to pretend I’m talking to someone on my phone.”
“You are talking to someone on your phone.”
“Oh yeah, well, here we go.” Eve pushed through the doors of her apartment building and walked, wide-gaited and elbows first towards the limo. “Yeah, so, right, that’s great,” she said in a deep voice.
“Who are you talking to?” asked Manny.
“You,” continued Eve in the deep voice, stomping her way towards the suited driver who was standing by the side of the car. “Yeah, that’s right. Right. Yeah.” She spoke louder. “King John’s Tavern, please guvnor.”
The driver smiled politely. “Eve Eden?”
“That’s right, guvnor.”
The driver continued. “Sorry, this limo’s booked for Eve Eden.”
Eve could hear Manny laughing on the other end of the line, so she removed the phone from her ear and tried to nod discreetly before realising her Frankenstein head would be showing no emotion whatsoever. “Yes, sorry, that’s me,” she whispered in her normal voice, “I’m trying to get into character.” She arched her back and pushed out her boobs that she’d flattened down with two sports bras as best as she could. “You’re taking me to The Waterside but we need a pick up at the King John’s Tavern first.”
“Righteo,” said the man with a smile, opening the rear door and signalling Eve inside. Eve waited for the door to close before pulling off her face mask and growling into her mobile phone. “Well that didn’t go to plan, did it!”
Manny was still laughing. “You were brilliant! All good practice for tonight!”
“And when we’re paying for our drinks with cards that say: Miss Eve Eden and Miss Manzana Jones having just ordered in men’s voices?”
“It’s fine, I’ve got loads of cash. Have you found that Champagne yet?”
Eve spotted the bottles in the glass-fronted fridge. “I’m opening one now. I need it after that embarrassment, and I’m not having you paying for everything. What do I owe you for the limo?”
“Honestly, nothing, tonight’s on Derek.”
“Who’s Derek?”
“Me! And you can be Craig.”
Eve laughed as she held the bottle between her legs and popped the cork with one hand. “I don’t want to be Craig!”
“Fine, Silas then.”
“That’s even worse.”
She caught sight of her reflection in the window opposite. “Just call me Frank. Like Frankenstein.”
“Ooo I like that. Fine, you can call me Ronald.”
“Oh no, you went for a killer clown outfit?”
“There’ll be loads of killer clowns and I’ve got a pull-on face mask too so it’s perfect, just don’t go treading on my toes when we dance.”
“We’re not dancing,” laughed Eve as she balanced the phone in the crook of her shoulder and poured two glasses of Champagne, “especially if you’re wearing big clown shoes.”
“You know what they say about big feet? Long toes. And do you know what you can do with long toes?”
Eve took a slug of her Champagne. “I don’t like where this is going, stop please.”
“Don’t you want to hear them slap?”
“Your toes? No thank you.”
“The shoes, listen?”
Eve pressed the phone closer into her ear. “It just sounds like you’re in a pub.”
“I am, but I’m slapping my clown feet.”
“Good for you, now go away and let me enjoy this journey in peace.”
“Too late, I can see you.”
Eve glanced out of the window into the darkness of the evening, the lights of the King John’s Tavern pub suddenly coming into focus. “Where are you?”
“At the entrance. Oooo it’s a big limo isn’t it? I requested the best one they had. Have you got all of the lights and music on?”
“I’ve only just sat down and poured myself a drink.” Eve cupped her face into her hand at the window and laughed suddenly. “Oh my goodness, I can see you. Stripy red and white jumpsuit?”
“And big red shoes.”
“Oh that face mask is horrible!”
“Do you want to get out and greet me?”
“No, I’ve taken my mask off.”
“Well put it back on. We can meet each other half-way in the centre of the carpark.”
“This limo’s taking up half the carpark.”
“Go on! Let’s start this date properly. Now hang up and show me your man walk.”
Placing her glass of Champagne back in the drinks area, Eve pulled on her Frankenstein mask and exited the limo, jumping as the driver suddenly appeared next to her.
“You should have tapped on the window, Ma’am, to let me know you wanted to get out.”
“Sir, please,” said Eve in a deep voice, wide-gaitedly elbow-walking her way to the Ronald McDonald killer clown that was pounding forward. “Ronnie!” she growled in the lowest voice she could manage.
“Frank!” came the even lower reply.
Eve threw her arms around Manny’s shoulders unable to stop the laughs from coming. “You’re crazy,” she whispered through the two rubber masks. “Now let me do the talking, I’m in character.” She turned and led them back to the limo. “The Waterside, please guvnor.”
“No problem, Miss Eden,” said the driver with a nod, waiting to close the door behind them.
Manny wailed with laughter as she ripped off her mask.
“Frank’s perfect! You sound like Frank Butcher from EastEnders!”
“Shush! He might hear us.”
“The divides up and the intercom’s off. He’ll have no clue whatsoever about what’s going on back here, and anyway I’m sure he’s seen it all before.”
“Frank Butcher getting it on with Ronald McDonald? I very much doubt it.”
“Miss Eden! Whatever do you mean! We’re not getting it on back here!”
“Getting the drinks on, I meant,” said Eve, shoving Manny away from her. “Here, I poured you a Champers.”
“Let’s get the lights and music going.” Manny leaned forwards and pressed the button that adjusted the lights. “Do you want disco?” She pressed again. “Or red-light district? Or we have underwater? Or epileptic fit?”
“Oh no, not that one.”
“Or, glitter stars?”
“Yes! Stop. That one.”
Eve blinked quickly as her eyes adjusted to the darkness, the roof of the limo gently lighting up with a cluster of sparkling stars. “Yes this one, this one’s pretty.”
“It’s also plunged us into darkness.”
“We can see enough though,” said Eve, reaching for the bottle and topping up her glass.
“Can you? Where are your glasses?”
“They don’t fit under this mask. I’ve got my contacts in.” She filled her glasses to the rim and made a cheers motion.
“Steady!”
“Hey, I’ve been in the limo longer than you.”
“I’m joking. I like to see you enjoying yourself.”
Eve smiled. “I am.”
“I know, so am I.” Manny lifted her glass to Eve’s and clinked. “To us and our first night of fun. Let’s start by playing a game.”
“Not truth or dare.”
“No, it’s much better than that, it’s called dare or truth.”
Eve laughed. “No, it’s silly.”
“Look at us!” gasped Manny. “We’re dressed like lunatics, talking like we’ve smoked fifty cigars a day for the past twenty years and walking like we’ve got strap-ons stuck up our arses.”
“Manny!”
“What? Your man-walk was ridiculous.”
“It was better than yours in those slapping clown shoes.”
“Fine, first truth: Who looks better tonight?”
“I can’t answer that.”
“Fine, I dare you to down that drink.”
Eve did so without hesitation.
“Bloody hell, Eve, you’re on a mission tonight!”
“I told you before, I’m a hockey girl, we can keep up with you football girls no problem.”
“Those old women from your club do beer circles?”
“Not really, but I did have quite a bit of fun at uni.”
Manny took a sip of her Champagne. “And what’s your definition of quite a bit of fun?”
“I joined in. I got involved.”
“Okay, next truth, what was the wildest thing you ever did at university?”
“Hey, it’s my turn to ask you. Truth or dare?”
“Truth.”
“Fine, what’s the wildest thing you think I ever did at university?”
Manny smiled. “Hmmm. I think you kissed a girl as a dare and I think it scared you because you quite liked it.”
“Wilder.”
“Really?! Okay, you kissed a girl as a dare, but then went on to sleep with her of your own volition.”
“And then she told me she wasn’t gay and stopped being friends with me.”
“Really?!”
Eve nodded. “She didn’t even let me explain that I wasn’t gay.”
Manny spoke as she cleared her throat. “Yet.”
“I’m not gay, Manny.”
“Fine, your next question. How many men have you slept with?”
“One.”
“Just one?!”
“I’ve slept with more than that and I am gay!”
“Good for you.”
“So what happened with the man?”
“He told me he didn’t like me like that and stopped being friends with me.”
Manny laughed.
“What? It’s not funny.”
“It is and it explains why you don’t let people get close to you. In fact, I even expect you push away potential friendships just in case you get too attached and then something happens and you lose them.”
“I have friends.”
“Do you?”
“Yes, but I’ve learnt the importance of being able to rely on myself.”
“And that makes sense too based on… well, you know… what… what happened.” Manny smiled. “But I’m here now to bring the friendship, the fun and the frolics, if you want them.”
“And then you run a mile?”
“Because you’re so crap in bed?”
“Don’t! Of course I’ve questioned if it was that.”
“Hey, it takes two to tango. Maybe you just weren’t compatible with either of those tossers.”
“And we’d be compatible would we?”
Manny slapped her long clown shoes hard on the floor and started to moan. “So compatible.”
“Stop it, he’ll hear us!”
“Trust me, he won’t.”
Eve laughed. “That’s right, you’ve done this before. So your truth: What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done in a limo?”
“Had a threesome.”
Eve wailed. “You have not!”
“I have.”
Eve couldn’t help but picture Manny stark naked, sprawled across the leather seating with two women crawling all over her. “I thought you met your girlfriend at school?”
“I did, but we’ve been on and off for the best part of five years.”
“Off because of your threesomes in limos?”
“No, off because she’s a fair-weather sycophant. If I made a footballing comeback, she’d suddenly reappear.”
“So you’re just in an off phase?”
“Maybe.”
“And you have all of your fun in your off phases?”
“Mostly.”
“And if she asked you back tomorrow you’d go?”
Manny shook her head. “No, we’ve made plans for tomorrow.”
“The day after then?”
“We’ve made plans for the day after too.” Manny paused. “I’m having fun with you, Eve and I haven’t thought about her once, until now.”
“And what are you thinking right now?”
“That I’m a mug to keep going back to her, but she’s all I’ve ever really known. Just like loneliness is all you’ve ever really known.”
“Just because someone’s on their own doesn’t make them lonely.”
“I know, I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant…” Manny sighed. “We’re good for each other, Eve. I’ve felt it from the very first moment I met you when you announced to the class that you didn’t care who I was.”
“I didn’t”
“And it’s so refreshing. You’re real and genuine and you seem to want me for my silliness, not my superstar status.”
Eve pretended to look around the limo. “Is there a superstar in here?”
Manny laughed. “You know what I mean.”
Eve nodded. “If I’m honest I feel like you’ve found me.”
“And I feel like you’ve found me too.”
“Oh gosh, I’ve drunk too much. I’m getting soppy already.”
“Right, truth: Where’s the drunkest you’ve been and what happened?”
Eve leaned back in her seat. “I was sixteen. It was a friend’s house party. We’d all been told to sneak some of our parents’ drink with us, but I obviously only had Grandma and she only had sherry in the cupboard so I took a bottle and drank it like it was wine.”
Manny laughed.
“I was sick all over myself and my friends’ parents came back early and we all got kicked out, but I couldn’t walk so they called my Grandma and she couldn’t ca
rry me obviously and it was all just so embarrassing and I knew in that instant that I’d let everyone down, my mum and dad, even my sister, I knew they’d all be looking down on me like a total failure putting all of this on Grandma, so I’ve avoided the whole party and binge drinking scene ever since.”
“You can put it away though,” said Manny, signalling towards Eve’s glass that had been recently refilled.
“I like to have the odd drink in the evening, but I’d never go crazy with shots or anything. I like the feeling of getting a bit hazy, but I can recognise when that happens and I stop soon after. It’s not cool to get drunk drunk.”
“I agree,” said Manny, “United and England frequently tested our blood alcohol levels. Drugs too.”
“Truth or dare, have you ever taken any?”
“Drugs?” Manny shook her head. “No. You?”
“No. I like good clean fun.”
“Like what?”
“Walking, hiking, bouldering, skiing, go karting.”
“Yes!” shouted Manny. “Go karting can be one of our activities! The full-face helmet will hide us.”
“You might have had enough of me after tonight.”
“I very much doubt that. You’re so intriguing and there’s so much I want to know.”
“Like what?”
“Why teaching?”
“I love sport and school is a bit like a family, you have your place.”
“But you’re not friends with any of the teachers?”
“But they’re there, day in, day out. I like the security of the routine.”
Manny nodded. “I get all that, but surely you want a bit of spontaneity every now and again.”
“I haven’t,” she smiled, “and then you showed up.”
Manny nodded again. “And I’ve never wanted calm, but then everything that happened over the summer happened, and I realised I just needed to step away for a while, take stock and look at everything with fresh eyes.” She shrugged. “I think maybe I lost myself a bit somewhere along the journey to fame and fortune.”
“But look at us, Manny, this isn’t calm!”
“It is for me.”
“Really? So what would the old Manny be doing?”
“You.” She smiled. “I’d be doing you.”
Eve stared into the piercing blue eyes that were locked on to her own. “A wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am?”