The knowledge of them was what made me promise Jack I’d take care of his daughter.
It was also what made me sign up to be an agent.
I’d wanted to protect Claire…
Chapter Nineteen
Xander
Ten years ago…
I reached out to touch her hair but Claire swatted my hands away and looked over my shoulder to see if Jack was watching.
He’d been in the field tending to the horses and while he might have been able to see us, he wouldn’t have seen the mere gesture of affection I’d made.
I rolled my eyes at her and shook my head.
“Problem with me touching your hair?” I teased knowing it would make her more annoyed at me.
“What is the matter with you?” Her brown eyes widened and she glanced over at Jack again who really was just busy with the horses.
He didn’t give one iota about us standing over a hundred feet away from him on the porch.
“Nothing’s wrong, just want to touch my girl’s hair,” I teased.
That made her more annoyed and her cheeks flushed. I forgot I wasn’t supposed to call her my girl even though Jack was so far away and wasn’t looking in our direction.
“Xander Cage, you are working my last nerve.” She pouted.
“Claire, believe me when I say this… he knows we’re together,” I said pointedly and her eyes widened even more.
“You told him? I was going to tell him,” she winced.
That was what she said three summers ago. She was supposed to be breaking the news to her father that we were seeing each other. As if the man was blind or stupid and hadn’t figured it out.
“I didn’t tell him anything. He’s not stupid Claire.”
“I wanted to tell him myself.”
I’d known this girl since I was sixteen. We were both twenty six years old now, months apart in age. We’d been seeing each other in secret since we were eighteen, although she would put it down to three years ago when we started sleeping together.
Her father was the most insightful man I’d ever met and didn’t become a legend by not paying attention. I figured he’d known for years and kept quiet.
“Then tell him,” I challenged.
She folded her arms under her breasts and I gazed at her taking in the full vision of her. She was in girl mode today. That was what she called it.
All the days when she chose to be girly, curled her long brown velvet hair, and wore either a skirt or tight jeans to make me crazy.
We’d come home to Idaho last week for Thanksgiving and were set to go back on duty next week.
I’d always marveled at how happy she seemed here at her father’s place.
Home for us.
Home for me.
We were both happy but there were big decisions to be made that would affect us both.
“I’m going to,” she nodded.
“So, you’ll tell him we’re together then? As in this century? While we’re still alive and young?”
A serious expression washed over her pretty face. “I plan to, but…”
“But what?” I was real interested in her excuse now. Last time it was because she couldn’t find the right time. “You know if you aren’t careful, I’ll think you want to keep me a secret. Like maybe you’re not serious about me. Like maybe you’re hoping I’ll end it with you so you don’t have to end it with me.”
I knew that wasn’t true. There was something though that was making her hold off on telling him and it wasn’t nerves. It was something she wasn’t saying.
“Why would you say that?” she snapped.
“It’s like the time when you signed us up for that damn pie eating contest and wouldn’t cave until I did. Then you got sick. Or, like the time when you signed us up for piano lessons and you decided you hated it but wanted me to give up first so you could use me as an excuse.”
“I didn’t do that. We both hated piano.”
“Yes, and what about the floral arrangement club?”
All those teenage years she couldn’t admit that she liked me. She kept enlisting me into stuff to keep tabs on me. Then she’d be weird when I would follow her or do something I thought she’d like. She was the strangest girl ever and I was so in love with her I’d do anything. Like the fucking floral arrangement club.
“This is different. I just… want to be sure you’re serious. You could change your mind. Then what would I do. And… maybe I won’t see you around as much.”
Oh… I see now. This was about the decision too. But there was more to it than that. That decision we needed to make only came about recently.
“What do you mean?” I wanted to drag it out of her. “That little problem of ours wasn’t around at Christmas or all the other times you were supposed to tell him.”
She pressed her pretty pink lips together. “It’s part and parcel of the same thing.”
“How? How so?”
She held my gaze, eyes boring into mine with an intensity that showed fear. “You could leave… I’m always looking for you to leave, or for something to take you away from me. It could just be as simple as you deciding you don’t want to be with me anymore.”
So that was it. The answer. The reason.
“No…” My answer eased the tension in her expression and her eyes twinkled. “No… in case you didn’t notice Claire, I’m a little obsessed with you.” I gave her a warm smile trying to lighten the tension that had drifted in.
Her face brightened. “Me too Xander Cage. But on this occasion you could choose left even though I’m going right.” She nodded confirming she’d made her decision already. She had and was giving me the heads up and so much more.
“Does it matter? Does it matter what I choose?” We’d known each other for long enough for her to see the real question I was trying to ask.
In all the time we’d been seeing each other she’d never once told me the words I wanted to here. How she felt. What she felt.
“I love you.” She breathed and placed her hands at her cheeks the minute the words fell from her lips.
I stared at her wondering if I’d heard right. “What did you just say to me?”
“I love you Xander, and this is the first time in my life where it wouldn’t be right to influence your decision in any way.”
We’d agreed not to talk about anything until next week. What she didn’t know was it was on my mind every second of the day.
“I love you too.” That was the first time I’d said those words to anybody. It felt right. It felt real. It was and I loved how her eyes sparkled as I said it. She knew though. She knew I did. Now, however, was time to get serious. “What do you want me to choose?”
She shook her head. “I can’t say it. It’s not fair.”
“Say it.”
She thought for a moment then sighed. “Follow me. I want you to follow me Xander. I want you to follow me and I shouldn’t.” It was the most emotional she’d ever been with me. Despite her wigging out about me touching her hair she reached up and cupped my face. “I want you to follow me, but I want you to follow your heart. I think you’ll make captain, Lieutenant Cage, and you’ll be great.”
She pulled in a breath, dropped her hands to her sides and left me. She went back inside the house and I stared after her until the door closed.
I thought I’d make captain too and that I would be great.
Things however weren’t that simple.
Whenever I had big decisions to make I always thought back to the past.
It was habit that made me do it.
Compare all that had happened to me and then make a decision. I liked taking my time. I liked to stop and consider all options and avenues before I did anything. That was what I did for everything.
This was just the first time that it felt like it mattered.
I’d never had to think of my heart before. Mainly because I never thought I had to. It was stupid and maybe I’d had it easier when I was trying to deny my feeli
ngs for Claire. Easier, but definitely not better.
She would have it that I followed her everywhere. It wasn’t intentional. It just happened that way.
She’d decided she wanted to go to Stanford and I kicked my ass in gear to get the grades to get in because they had a great computer science degree. She decided she wanted to join the Marines and I’d known from the day I signed up for Stanford that I was definitely going to join.
Why?
I blamed her father. He was the coolest person I’d ever met.
Her father, Jack McLaren was already a captain in the Marine Recons when he met me. He’d bounced from being that to something else we didn’t talk about and called it his classified work. It suited when we went off to college.
I admired him and wanted to follow in his footsteps the same way she had.
I had to admit though… my heart followed her. It was no bad thing that we were so similar. No bad thing at all.
It was just times like this when decisions had to be made that it might be a bad thing.
The decision to be made was this:
We’d both served as marines for the last four years and moved up the ranks fast. We’d both gotten promoted to first lieutenant. I was heading for captain and I felt that a year or two would get me there. Being first lieutenant was different from just being second. There was more responsibility and more freedom of how you chose to do various things and follow through plans.
I could see myself as captain. A commander in charge of teams of other officers. I felt it suited me, but what also suited me was the invite I received last week to join the Special Missions Force. SMF.
I would be some type of Mission Impossible agent and damn did that ever appeal to me. I knew though that I’d gotten in because of the way that I was able to get my men out of enemy territory when we were captured in Uzbekistan.
When I gave my report it didn’t take a genius to figure that what I spoke of by way of what I did wasn’t stuff they taught you in the marines. It came natural and only a hacker of my abilities could have devised a program on the spot to scramble the security system the enemy had used. And only a thief could execute the plan the way I had.
When I say thief I meant someone who could handle themselves different to the guy who stole a loaf of bread, or a shop lifter.
Thief and hacker, whichever, it represented the old me and I wasn’t sure I should be following through on people who wanted me because of that.
The only thing that encouraged me to sign up was her. She got the invite too.
She was good, one of the best, and that was where she was heading since the classified work Jack did was exactly that.
He’d been a SMF agent and the offer had been extended to both of us to join a new team that was being set up.
I should be happy. It was a chance to follow her again, but I knew I saw myself as a captain. When I joined the marines I hoped for the chance to just be good. That from a guy who at one point in his life had no hope or future.
This might be a chance to be better.
I’d learned that people sometimes were posed with different pathways. All could seem could and it didn’t always come down to what you wanted the most. It came down to what you thought was best.
I had to be honest with myself and admit that if Claire wasn’t in the equation I would turn down the offer. I would turn the job down and go down the path I’d wanted for years and work my ass off to be captain.
So, why was I contemplating this decision when it felt like I already knew what I wanted?
The answer was she’d said yes and just confirmed she was saying yes even though I knew from the get go that she would. And, the new unit that we’d been invited to join was being formed to go after a terrorist group called The Ra. The name was enough to put the fucking fear of God in me. Out on the field I’d heard whispers. I knew they were a group no one wanted to mess with and so far I hadn’t come in contact with them. That didn’t mean I didn’t know the dangers. I knew them all too well and knew what they were capable of. Mass murders, genocide, biological warfare. That was just the beginning of it.
They were anarchists who didn’t care who they killed as long as they got the job done. They worked like ants, each had a job and that was the focus. Even if the job was as simple as picking up a piece a paper. If that guy who had been tasked with doing the mundane saw the opportunity to do more he wouldn’t do it because that was someone else’s task. It was what made them effective and efficient. Everyone focused on what they had to do, and there were thousands of them. People who associated with them in secret and did their bidding. All manner of people linked to them. It wouldn’t be like what we were used to in the marines. It would be a whole other battlefield.
Hunting for the worst type of criminals known to man.
I couldn’t let her go knowing I could be with her. I couldn’t do it.
After all, I owed her a lot.
To say I had a tough upbringing put it far too mild. I’d lived on the streets and barely went to school. I grew up bouncing from one foster home to another. Unwanted for various reasons. That was back in Chicago.
The day Claire and I met, I’d just been kicked out of my foster home for smoking and nearly burning down the house. I’d always been part of the wrong crowd, and that time I fell in with the worse. Mobsters. They liked my skills. Loved that I could get in and out of every and anywhere without being seen. Loved that I could hack into any bank account I wanted and steal millions if I chose to.
What they didn’t love was when things went wrong. That was what happened the day I met Claire and Jack.
Things went completely south and I fucked up. I was running for my life. The mobsters I’d worked for had already beat me to a pulp because a drop off went wrong and the feds were all over them. They held me captive and I escaped.
I ended up in the garage of her home where she found me battered and bruised. She hid me even when they came knocking looking for me. She hid me and asked her father if I could stay. He agreed.
I told him my story and I didn’t know what he did but no one chased me after that and I was still with them ten years later.
I owed her because that day changed my life and gave me direction.
The least I could do was protect her if it was in my power to do so.
Jack made his way to me from the field with a smile on his face.
Because of who he was, we’d been given permission to talk amongst ourselves about the invite. I’d mentioned it to him the other night. That was when we’d agreed to talk next week.
He raised his brows when he got to me and ran a hand through his hair that he’d allowed to grow longer than his usual crew cut.
“Boy, you’re up here thinking serious stuff aren’t you?” He stated with a chuckle.
“Yeah, is it that obvious?”
“Yes.” He came and stood next to me. “As obvious as I am with my worry over Claire.”
Honestly, Jack was so good at hiding any emotion that I wouldn’t have known any different if he hadn’t said.
“Well, that makes two of us.”
He tilted his head to the side and regarded me with a curious expression.
“Xander… please for the love of God don’t base your decision on your feelings for Claire. That is all I ask.”
I had to laugh. I knew he knew that Claire and I were together. It was a look he’d always give when he saw us. The kind of look that told me he hoped it was true.
“What would you do?” I asked. “What would you choose if you were me?”
“Boy, that’s a tough question.”
“No, it’s not. Tell me what you would do.”
He folded his arms and sighed. “Pick it apart and look at the variables. Then ask myself what I want. Then go with the option that is true to me.”
I’d never thought of it like that before. What is true to me.
“How do I know what’s true to me?”
“You search inside you for what
you most want. Is it captain or agent, lieutenant? Really, Claire can’t come into play in a decision like this. As much as I appreciate your worry. But this is your life and it’s a bigger question than simply choosing a path. You have to think about where it leads.”
“Both are good options.”
“But right now you only have one choice. I think you’ll definitely get to captain but is that what you want? Why do you want to be captain, Xander?”
I smirked. “Means I made it to a highly notable position. Means I made something of myself and I get to truly use my skills and abilities to lead people.”
He smiled. “But you do that now. That is what I mean about being true to you. Remember I’ve done this for a long time and I know. I’ve been captain and I’ve been agent. I’ve been a lot, but what was true to me was my ability to know when I needed to change path and do something else. What you want might not be captain or agent. There are many things you can do Xander. Always remember that, while I have to say this whole agent thing is serious because of The Ra and quite an honor because you’re the best, you have to be true to you. You were picked because you are the best. I know Ethan would only select the finest. That doesn’t mean squat though if you aren’t doing what you want to do.”
I searched through my thoughts and thought of the path I wanted to take and the direction.
The answer was still the same.
What felt true to me was her.
Claire.
Always. She always felt true to me.
I loved her too much and enough to sacrifice what I wanted just to make sure I could take care of her.
The only person I trusted to take care of my girl was me.
So that was it. I’d made the decision.
I straightened up and intensified my gaze on him.
“I’m choosing her Jack. I want to follow her.” I smiled.
He returned the smile. “Can I be selfish and say that I’m a little happy you chose her?”
“Yes… you can. It’s no run of the mill people she’ll be tracking. Hunting. It’s The Ra. She’s gonna need someone like me to watch her back. I’ve always had her back.” I gave him a firm nod. “I love her sir. I love Claire. Jack, I promise to take care of her. Protecting her feels true to me.”
Game of Love : A Mafia Romance Page 16