“Really?”
“Yep. He's been to a few.”
Fae smiled slightly. “Benji told me that your dad gave him a similar printout for substance abuse meetings. Mike must have figured that Noah was onto something.”
“Has Benji taken advantage of it?” Mercy asked.
“Yeah, he has,” she smiled. “Quite a bit actually. A lot of times when we go off sightseeing by ourselves, he'll take an hour or so and catch a meeting. And I'll bring my Kindle and read while I wait for him in the car.”
Mercy nodded her head. “That's good. You know, Benji strikes me as a very tenacious person. Some of that same determination I see in Noah, I can see it in Benji too.”
“Well, I agree with you there,” Fae replied. “Benji is very tenacious. The simple fact that he survived his lonely, painful childhood and came this far is testament to that. He's trying so hard. His sobriety is important to him,” she said as she ran her thumb over the logo printed on her coffee cup.
“You're important to him too, Fae,” Mercy said quietly. “Any fool can see how he feels about you.”
She tried to smile at her, but for some reason Mercy's words made her sad. “I don't know, Mercy. Part of me thinks that if Benji weren't dealing with his recovery I would still only be his buddy. Just his bass tech,” she shrugged sadly. “And that's okay. I mean … I care about him so much, but if friends is all we can ever be … I'll take it.”
“Fae,” Mercy said softly as she reached over and touched her hand. “You're in love with him, aren't you?”
Fae felt herself blush slightly, and she couldn't hold Mercy's gaze as she nervously looked down at the table.
Mercy lightly patted her hand before pulling away and picking up her coffee cup once more. “It'll be our little secret,” she quietly promised.
*****
“What the …” Benji exclaimed in frustration as his brothers' taunting swirled around him. “I cannot believe I just let you beat me!”
“Let? Oh, no no no, my friend,” Buzzy gloated. “You didn't let me do anything. That was pure skill, baby!”
Otis and Noah both laughed out loud at the scene as Benji hung his head in shame and Buz danced around like he had just scored a touchdown. Even Cory couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped him. And Benji was strangely happy that his losing the UFC Undisputed Xbox tournament could put a smile on his hurting friend's face. Cory had been in a funk ever since they had gotten to New York the previous evening since his surprise visit to see Donna in Toronto hadn't gone so well.
“Okay, who's next? Come on!” Buz sounded like he was out for blood, clearly drunk on his victory. “Who wants to take me on?”
“Well, I'm out,” Otis answered. “You beat me in the first round, remember?”
Buzzy waved a dismissive hand Otis' way as he looked at Noah and Cory. “Any takers?”
“One of you please play him,” Benji spoke up disgustedly. “And kick his ass or we'll never hear the end of it.”
Buzzy laughed as he smirked at him. “Sore loser!”
“Alright,” Cory mumbled, moving to get up off the bed. “My mind could use a distraction. Making Buz cry sounds like a nice diversion.”
“Ooh, those are strong words, my friend. I'm gonna make you eat 'em,” Buz declared as Benji stood up and Cory took over his seat in front of the TV.
Benji sat down on the bed next to Noah and leaned back against the pillows, getting comfortable so he could watch the action on the screen.
“So Benji? What's up with you and Fae, man?” Otis questioned, still staring at the television in front of them.
He felt his heart trip a couple of beats at O's inquiry, and he looked past Noah to give Otis a frown. “What do you mean?”
Otis looked at him and shrugged. “I mean what's going on? You two are obviously getting closer. You're together all the time. Holding hands like virgins,” he smiled.
Benji shrugged his shoulders at him. “We're together all the time because we like each other's company. She's smart and she's funny. And we have a lot in common. But there's nothing going on. We're just friends.” He heard Buzzy chuckle at his response as he concentrated on beating Cory, and he glanced over to see him shaking his head.
Otis smiled at him. “Oh, okay,” he said sarcastically. “So that's why she's always leaving your room in the mornings, huh? Because you're just friends?”
Benji rolled his eyes at him. “You know what, Otis? It is possible for a guy and a girl to sleep in the same hotel room with no screwing going on. Everything is not always about sex, man.”
Otis laughed. “Okay. I admit, that's a strange concept for me to get my head around. I'll grant you that,” he said with a smile. “But, if you don't mind me asking … why is it not about sex? I mean, I don't get it.” He glanced around at the others as he said, “I'm not the only one who thinks she's hot, am I?”
“No!” Buz spoke up immediately, agreeing with O but keeping his attention on his game.
“Nah, man. I think she's sexy,” Noah chimed in.
“Okay, so it's not just me,” Otis said. “And I'm assuming you find her attractive, Benji. So, not to be crass, but … why exactly are you not hittin' that?”
Benji stared straight ahead for a second wondering if he wanted to bother having this conversation. But he knew that Otis wasn't going to leave it alone until he had some kind of response.
“Otis … I'm a recovering addict, man,” he said quietly, finally looking over and making eye contact with him. “Right now, I've got two jobs. One – playing the best bass guitar I know how for the rest of this tour. And two – keeping it together. So that I can continue to play the best bass guitar that I know how for the rest of this tour. And let me tell you something, man … that second job is a fucking bitch! I don't know that I have the emotional energy to get wrapped up in a relationship right now. ”
Otis frowned as he listened to him. “I don't understand that. Recovering addicts can't date? They can't have sex?”
“Otis …” Noah spoke up, but his brother cut him off.
“What? You're still with Mercy, and you're a recovering alcoholic.”
“That's different, O,” Noah pointed out.
“Why is it different?”
“Because it is,” Benji said loudly, growing frustrated. “Noah and Mercy were already living together when he made the decision to stop drinking. They were already in a solid, committed relationship. They'll have issues of their own, but they are completely different from my situation!” He sighed heavily with another roll of his eyes. Why was he so upset about this? “You know what? Forget it … I don't need to explain myself to you.”
Otis was taken aback by Benji's outburst. “Benji … I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to upset you. And I wasn't trying to challenge you or anything. I'm just genuinely curious. You know, I don't have any clue really what you and Noah are going through, so … I ask questions. But I'm sorry if my questions put you on the spot or made you uncomfortable. That's not what I wanted.”
Benji sat shaking his head for a minute. And he was aware that Buz and Cory's game had ended and that they were both now turned around in their chairs watching the exchange with great interest.
“I'm sorry for biting your head off, man,” Benji mumbled. “It's just …” He stopped and thought about it. Then he snorted softly. “You just touched a nerve, that's all.”
“I'm sorry, man.” Otis repeated.
“It's just hard, you know?” he said, shaking his head as he talked about it. “Because you're right. I am attracted to her. I like her a hell of a lot more than I'd care to admit.”
“I think that's pretty obvious, man,” Buzzy spoke up. And Benji slowly nodded.
“But it's so … much,” he said quietly.
“What do you mean?” Otis asked.
Benji took a deep breath and tried again. “It's like … sensory overload or something. I mean, I want to feel everything 'cause it's been so long. But sometimes it's just too much.�
� He paused and looked around at their faces, and he could tell that he wasn't making sense to them. He sighed and shook his head as he tried once more to explain. “Okay, you have to remember that for the longest time, I felt nothing. The smack, the coke … everything was numbing my emotions, you know? Until I got clean, I had not felt a fucking real emotion in years. So to go from that, to all of a sudden feeling so much for her …” He didn't finish his thought. And he shook his head again with a pensive frown as he tried to find the words to express himself.
“It's like, everything's different now,” he explained. “More intense. More … I don't know. Powerful? Food tastes better now that I'm clean. The music is clearer in my head. The gratitude I feel for the four of you … it's stronger,” he said glancing around at them. “And things like lust … and love.” He paused, thinking over that word as his fingers ran back and forth over his hairy chin. “That's way more intense. Makes it really hard trying to keep things platonic. Especially sharing a bed with her most nights.”
They were all quiet as they took in his words. Finally Noah spoke up saying, “If you're really trying to be celibate for a while, you might want to put a stop to the sleepovers, man. You're just asking for trouble.”
Benji smirked at him. “You don't think I know that? I know that I'm playing with fire and that I should encourage her to sleep in her own room. But that's hard to do when holding her is all I've got,” he said quietly.
“Okay, hold up,” Otis said, his voice a mixture of shock and disbelief. “Are you really trying to be celibate for a while?”
Benji chuckled and shook his head. “Once again, O … it's not about the sex, man.”
“Well then what is it about? Because I don't get it,” he said looking from Benji to Noah and back again.
“It's about focusing on your sobriety, Otis,” Noah tried to explain. “It's about making that the most important thing in your life for a while,” he said as Benji sat nodding his head in agreement.
“And it's about getting to know who the hell you are as a sober person,” Benji added. “Because some of us have been wasted for so many years we got no fucking clue.”
“Okay, so what happens if you fall in love during that process?” Cory asked, speaking up for the first time. There was silence as they all looked at him, and he shrugged his shoulders. “Well, it sounds to me like that's what he's describing. You've obviously fallen in love with this girl. So what happens now? You just continue to keep her at arm's length until … when?”
Benji was silent for a long time as he thought about Cory's question. Until when? In rehab they give you a suggested time frame for being by yourself, although they also point out that the hard-and-fast rule may not be necessary for everyone because not all addicts are the same. But even knowing that, Benji had no answers to Cory's question.
Chapter Eight
His eyes fluttered open the next morning and he could tell that it was extremely early because the light creeping through the window was a muted blue color. As if even the sun hadn't had her morning coffee yet. It took Benji a minute to remember that they were in New York City and the first of two shows at Madison Square Garden was tonight. But he didn't want to think about that right now. It was still too early.
He closed his eyes and snuggled in, breathing in deeply the warm coconut scent of Fae's shampoo as it filled his senses. They were spooning again, and his nose was nearly covered in a blanket of raven curls at his face. It made him smile. How many times over the last month had he imagined himself taking a fistful of those shiny, bouncy curls and gently yanking her head back so that he could devour her mouth with his own? He wanted to kiss her so badly. His smile morphed into a smirk as he once again came to terms with the fact that he wanted to do a whole lot more than just kiss her. And that thought made him remember his conversation with the guys from the day before. Noah was right again. He really needed to put a stop to these sleepovers.
He loved being with her. But he had set the parameters of their relationship – strictly friends. And he had done so with good reasons. Getting romantically or sexually involved with her simply was not a good idea for his recovery right now. But even if that wasn't an issue, there was always the little matter of her mother's death and all the feelings that brought up for Fae. She had told him point blank that she would never again allow herself to be in a position where she had to watch someone she cared about kill themselves with drugs. And even though Benji had no intentions of ever going back there, he knew that the odds were forever stacked against him. He couldn't promise Fae that drugs would never be a part of his life again. Addicts just couldn't make promises like that, no matter how much they may want to.
Fae mumbled something softly and turned over in his embrace, facing him as she continued dreaming. She was so pretty. And Benji studied her face with great care as he watched her sleeping. Her lashes were long and fanned out perfectly across the top of her cheeks, and the ever-present tiny diamond chip in her nose always fascinated him. She wasn't at all the type of girl he usually found himself attracted to. Normally he gravitated toward redheads. Not that he didn't find brunettes attractive, because he did. But he felt so enchanted by Fae, and he had no idea why. Maybe it was the musical sound of her laughter, or the light he always saw in her hypnotizing pale blue eyes. Maybe the faeries that lived on her arm had worked some kind of magical power over him. Whatever the reason, he was completely spellbound by her.
He reached out and gently moved a big curl away from her forehead as he continued watching her. Lightly, he traced his index finger across her cheek. And as he did, his eyes came to rest on her perfect, pouty lips. What would it be like to press his own lips against hers? He let his thumb lightly sweep over the surface of those lips as he watched. And then he couldn't stop himself. Her face was a mere inches away from his own, and he felt himself lean a tiny bit forward as he allowed his lips to brush hers in a feather-light pass. He felt his heart leap in his chest at the contact, and he liked it. Softly, he kissed her again, pressing his lips to hers with slightly more pressure this time. He looked up at her still sleeping face as his nose lightly ran along the length of hers.
Damn it, Benji, what are you doing? He knew that he should stop, but he just couldn't seem to help himself now. He kissed her again, allowing his tongue to lightly skim over her lips as he pressed his mouth against hers. And when he looked into her face this time, her pale blue eyes stared back, blinking at him.
Fae felt a warm tingle spread throughout her entire body, the delicious lingering side effect of his lips on hers. She blinked sleepily at him, but she was most definitely wide awake now, and she held his gaze with her own. Was that lust she saw in his eyes? Longing? For her? She tore her eyes away from his as her gaze drifted down to his mouth. Would he kiss her again?
His heart was pounding now. He could feel it reverberating throughout every limb as she stared into his eyes like that. A small part of him knew that he should apologize and walk away. But he couldn't, because the bigger part of him wanted to stay right where he was and kiss her again. So, that's what he did. He kissed her, slow and deep as his tongue gently caressed hers. And as he lost himself in the taste of her, Benji felt fireworks he never knew existed. Their tongues writhed together slowly and rhythmically, and he felt Fae's hands in his hair as he continued to kiss her. That was when he realized that she wasn't protesting, and that knowledge sent him over the edge. He kissed her with abandon, threading his fingers in her hair and holding her head in place as his tongue gyrated wildly with hers. She moaned softly as he kissed her, and the sound drove him crazy.
Breaking their lip lock, he looked into her eyes as they both panted softly. “Fae. What are we doing?” he whispered softly.
“Kissing,” she replied softly as she looked into his eyes.
She ran her fingertips through the hair covering his jawline, and the gesture sent shockwaves through his system. He kissed her again, this time wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. And he cou
ld feel himself drowning in her as his desire began to mount. Slowly, he let his mouth drift from her lips across her jaw and over to her ear. He drew her earlobe into his mouth and his tongue played with the studs of her earrings as he lightly suckled, and she moaned softly.
Her hands ran through his long, wavy hair as he teased her earlobe, and then moved on to her neck. And the prickle of his whiskers made her skin tingle. She could feel his hands on her waist, moving up to caress her breasts, and she couldn't help the soft moans emanating from her lips. His mouth traveled slowly from her neck down over her chest, and Fae felt herself shudder when he kissed her breast through the thin cotton fabric of her t-shirt. She whimpered when he gently ran his teeth over her nipple, and she suddenly wished there were no barrier between his mouth and her flesh.
Benji looked up at her and held her gaze for a long moment. His head was spinning and he could feel his erection straining against the confinement of his briefs as he looked at her. “Should we be doing this?” he softly panted.
“I don't know,” she breathed.
He frowned slightly at her response because he really wanted her to have the answers. He wanted her to put on the breaks because he knew that he was already at a point where he couldn't.
“Do you want me to stop?” he whispered, trying again to get her to do the thinking.
“No.”
Her response was immediate and definite, and it was all Benji needed to hear. Fuck. He wasn't at all sure that it was the correct answer, but he wasn't about to question her any further. All discussion was over as far as he was concerned, and he kissed her deeply once more.
They moved in unison then, working together as they removed first his t-shirt and then hers. And he took a moment to admire her as he let his hands run slowly over her soft, beautiful skin. Her breasts were perfect, round and firm and just the right size, with small pink nipples that beckoned to him, begging for attention. So he gave it to them, lavishing each one with his tender care and affection as Fae squirmed and moaned beneath him.
The Essential Jagged Ivory (Jagged Ivory Boxed Set) Page 51