“Why do your friends call you Buzzy?” Bobby asked, looking at him with great curiosity.
Buz smiled. “It's just a nickname.”
“What does it mean?”
“Well, when I was little, my dad was in the Air Force. And I don't know if you know this but, all military men have to keep their hair cut very, very short. It's called a buzz cut. My dad always made me cut my hair just like his. Well, we moved around a lot back then to wherever my dad was stationed, and when I was just about your age, we were stationed down in San Antonio, Texas. And for the summer while my dad was working, mom brought me and my older brothers up here to Cleveland, because this is where her family lived. Well, all my cousins … their dads weren't in the Air Force, so they thought my buzz haircut was pretty funny looking. They started calling me Buzzy all the time. And you know what? I liked it! I thought it was a silly sounding word and it was fun to say. So, it stuck.”
Bobby laughed at him and Buz smiled. “Well, your hair's not buzz cut anymore,” the child exclaimed.
“Nope! It is not,” he grinned.
“It's very loooong,” he giggled as he drew the word out, and Buz laughed.
“What's your real name?” Bobby asked.
Buz hesitated a beat. “My name is Robert. Robert Andrew.”
“Like mine?” the child asked excitedly.
Buzzy nodded his head with a grin. “Yep. Just like yours,” he said quietly. “But your mom … and my mom too actually … they both call me Robby. And my dad insists on calling me Robert. But all my friends call me Buzzy. Or Buz.”
“Can I call you Buzzy too?”
Buz hesitated a moment, wishing like hell that he could tell the child to call him something else. But he had promised Janie that he wouldn't say anything yet. “Sure you can,” he answered softly.
The kid looked at him for a long while and then said quietly, “Or … if you let me … I could call you Dad.”
Buzzy's heart immediately shifted into overdrive and he felt his hands go clammy. Was the kid clairvoyant? He stared at him unblinking for a few seconds, not knowing what to say.
“Um … I uh …” he stammered nervously.
“Mom says I'm not s'posed to listen in when grownups talk,” he whined, almost apologetically. “And I didn't mean to. But I heard you talking when I was in the backyard. I know you're my dad.”
Buzzy's heart was pounding. Hammering, like it wanted out of his chest. He swallowed hard as he looked into Bobby's pale blue eyes, so much like his. He knew! He had known all afternoon long as they played in his room.
“Are you gonna tell?” he asked, looking at Buz with a sad, worried expression.
“No,” Buz whispered, finding his voice. “I'm not going to tell.”
The kid looked relieved for a moment, and then a deep frown crossed his adorable little face. “Why do you think she didn't tell us?”
Buzzy shook his head sadly. “I don't know, Bobby. I wish I did.”
“Are you mad at her for not telling us?”
Slowly, Buz nodded his head. “Yeah. I was at first. I guess I still am a little.”
“Me too,” Bobby said softly. And Buz looked into his eyes once more.
“You shouldn't be mad at your mother, Bobby,” Buz told him. “She made a mistake. What she did was wrong. But now … I think maybe she didn't tell us because she was scared.”
“What was she scared of?”
Buzzy shook his head as he continued to stare into his eyes. “That's the part I don't understand, buddy. It just doesn't make any sense to me.”
“Me neither,” Bobby replied, and Buz looked at him and smiled.
“Listen, Bobby … this is not … I mean, you shouldn't worry about any of this,” Buzzy said. “Okay? Your mom and I will work this thing out. The important thing for you to remember is that she loves you more than anything. And I …” He hesitated a moment, unsure of how much he should say. But he already felt so much for this amazing little boy, and he wanted him to know that. “I love you too, Bobby. I love you.”
Bobby smiled at him before launching himself out of the bed and into Buzzy's arms. “I love you too, Dad,” he whispered.
Buz gave a tearful laugh as he tightened his arms around his son. His son! They held onto each other for several minutes before Buzzy lightly kissed the top of his head and finally let go of him, saying, “Okay. Bedtime for you, or else your mom will be really angry at the both of us. Have you got school tomorrow or something?”
“It's still summertime,” Bobby reminded him.
“Oh, yeah,” Buz chuckled. “I guess it is.”
He helped Bobby get back under the covers then and tucked him in.
“Will you come back and have dinner with us again tomorrow?”
Buzzy paused for a beat at his question, unsure how to answer it. “Um … I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen now, Bobby. My band, we have a show tomorrow night in another city and I'm supposed to leave here tomorrow afternoon so that I won't be late. But I promise you that I will not leave Cleveland without coming to say goodbye to you first. Okay?”
“When you leave Cleveland, when will you come back?”
Again Buz hesitated. He didn't have an answer for that question either. Especially with Jagged Ivory being in the middle of a tour. And he didn't like to think about the implications of that. It could potentially be months before he could get back to Ohio. He swallowed anxiously as he realized that. “I'm not sure, buddy.”
“Do you live in Cleveland?”
“No,” Buz answered, shaking his head. “I live in Los Angeles. In California.”
Bobby was quiet as that notion sank in. He looked over at the brightly colored United States map hanging on his wall with a pout. “That's far away,” he said quietly.
Buz nodded his head slowly. “It is. But it doesn't mean anything, Bobby,” he said, reaching out to caress the boy's face. “Because now that I know you're my son, nothing could keep me away from you. I promise.” He leaned down and kissed the boy's forehead. “Now, sleep time for you. I'll see you before I leave tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Sweet dreams.”
He stood up and ventured to the bedroom door, turning out the light as he went. Then he stepped out into the hall and quietly closed the door behind him, and turned around to see Janie standing in the hallway staring at him with tear-filled eyes. She turned abruptly and walked to the room at the end of the hall, and Buz followed after her with a determined gait.
“How much of that did you hear?” he asked as he followed her into her bedroom.
“All of it,” she answered quietly, turning to face him.
Buz snorted softly. “Well, I guess we know where he gets the eavesdropping from,” he mumbled.
“I wasn't eavesdropping, I … I didn't mean to listen in. I was just …”
“It doesn't matter,” Buzzy stated, looking at her with a deliberate gaze as he cut her off. “I'm glad you were eavesdropping. I hope that you heard every single word. You know why?”
Janie was suddenly fearful at the tone in his voice. During dinner, they had actually been able to laugh and joke some, having Bobby there as a buffer between them. But now it was just the two of them, and Robby was obviously still very angry at her. Silently, she shook her head in response to his question.
“No?” Buzzy asked. “You got no clue why I'm happy you heard all that?”
“No,” she whispered.
Buzzy stared at her in disbelief for a moment, saying nothing. Who was she? Why had she done this to him? And to that little boy? “Janie … I'm happy you heard our conversation because I want you to understand what you have put me and that boy through,” he practically yelled. “For the last eight years you have told the most unforgivable lie. To both of us! How could you do that? What possible reason could you have had for keeping us apart?”
His voice was loud and insistent as he glared at her, and Janie rushed to close the door. She didn't want Bobby to
hear any of this. She fought to keep her tears at bay, and she knew that she had to try and explain herself, but she had no idea of where to begin.
“And I keep asking you these questions, but so far you have refused to give me any kind of answers,” Buz said as his voice continued to rise. “Well, I want you to know that I meant what I said earlier. I don't want to bring lawyers and courts into this thing, but I will if I have to! All I'm after is answers. And I want access to my son. You cannot keep us apart, Janie. Now that we have met … now that he knows who I am, you cannot keep him from me anymore! Please … don't you dare try to do that,” he begged, his voice full of emotion as his blue eyes burned into hers.
“I wouldn't,” she said tearfully. “I would never do that!”
He suddenly looked at her as if she had just said the sky was green. “You already have,” he all but shouted at her. And Janie could see a little vein in his forehead throbbing in anger. “That is exactly what you have done for eight fucking years!”
“Please lower your voice,” she sobbed. “Stop yelling at me.”
“You have robbed Bobby and me both of years and experiences and bonding time that we will never get back,” he growled, ignoring her plea for a softer tone of voice. “Don't you understand that? I will never see my son take his first step! I missed his first smile, Janie. His first words. His first little baby laughter … what did that sound like, huh? Was it magical? Did you get it on film?” he asked, nearly in tears. “I never got to hold my newborn son in my arms. And you did that,” he snarled, pointing a finger at her. “You stole that from me! Or didn't you think that I would care?”
Janie's tears were flowing now, streaming down her lovely cheeks as she absorbed his vitriol. She understood it. He had every right to be so angry with her. But it still hurt her to the core. She loved him so much. Hurting him or Bobby was never her intention. But she understood now that that is exactly what she had done. In her quest to make Robby's life better, she had hurt all three of them tremendously.
“I'm sorry, Robby,” she managed through her sobs as she slowly sank down onto the bed. “I am so sorry! I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt either one of you; I swear.”
Buzzy stared at her in silence. Her tears had a way of pushing through his wall of anger, and even though he didn't want to, he felt himself begin to thaw as he watched her. Clinching his fists, he let out a low grunt as he reluctantly let go of his indignation. Then he drew in a deep, steadying breath and let it out very, very slowly. Shaking his head, he walked over to the bed and sat down beside her, turning his body to face her. With one hand, he reached out and caressed her cheek as she continued to cry, allowing himself to wipe her tears away.
“Janie, please,” he said quietly, looking into her eyes. “Please just talk to me. Tell me why you did this. Why didn't you ever tell me that we had a son?”
“Robby … I told you,” she began. “Everything I said earlier in the kitchen is the absolute truth. I didn't tell you about Bobby because I never wanted you to feel obligated to me, or to him, in any way.”
“But I am obligated, Janie. And that is not a bad thing! He's my son … I want to be obligated to him. I want to help you take care of him. I want the chance to know him, and to love him, just like you've had! Why did you take that away from me?”
“I wasn't trying to take anything away from you,” she insisted tearfully. “I was simply trying to free you, Robby. Because I loved you so much!”
“What?” Buzzy sat shaking his head for a moment, clearly confused. “You kept my son from me because you loved me? What the hell kind of sense does that make?” he asked, growing angry once more.
“No, that's not what I meant,” she wailed.
“Then what did you mean, Janie?” he asked, looking at her with the most intense blue gaze as a scowl marred his pretty face. “And I want the truth. Do you think you can give me that, please? Don't you think I deserve that?”
“I've told you the truth, Robby,” she insisted. “I don't know what kind of deep dark secret you're looking for, but there isn't any! I simply didn't want your money or your pity or your well-ingrained, military-sense of duty and obligation. I didn't want to be a problem for you. I didn't want you to resent me. Or him.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked, his voice rising in frustration. “I would never have resented either one of you!”
“Oh, it's easy for you to say that now, after you've gotten all you ever dreamed of! But back then, Robby, it would have been a different story.”
He sat shaking his head slightly as he listened to her and an unpleasant thought crept into his mind. But he pushed it aside and looked into her eyes. “But I didn't, Janie,” he said quietly as his eyes searched hers. “I didn't get all I ever dreamed of. I told you before … my dream was you. It was always only you. You were all I wanted back then.”
“We both know that's not true,” she said, wiping the tears from her cheek. “You were always so talented, Robby. And you were always talking about music and how it was going to take you places, and change your life. How you were never going to go into the military like your dad and your older brothers, even though your dad was always trying to sell you on the Air Force Band. But you wouldn't hear of it,” she smiled sadly. “You always had stars in your eyes, Robby. You were always headed for bigger and better things.”
“Yeah, you're right,” he conceded. “Music is the only thing I ever wanted to do with my life. The only job I ever wanted. But music is not everything, Janie. You were my everything! I wanted to share my life with you. I didn't just want music to take me places. I wanted it to take us places. Us, Janie. You and me, together! And I thought you wanted that too. Until you blindsided me eight years ago and pushed me away! And I have spent every day since then trying to understand … trying to make it all make sense somehow. Only it doesn't make sense because I loved you, and I know that you loved me too! So tell me why, Janie,” he said desperately, pleading with her. “Why did you leave me?”
“Because I loved you,” she said loudly, staring into his eyes. “Robby … you and I both know that if I hadn't pushed you away back then, you would have stayed right here in Cleveland. And if I told you I was pregnant you would have insisted on marrying me, and you would have stayed right here and gotten a job in some dying factory. You never would have gone off and become 'Buzzy West,' superstar drummer! But I loved you too much to let you stay here and become stagnant. Just like my uncle!”
“Your uncle?” he questioned loudly, looking at her in total confusion. “What?”
“Yes! My uncle,” she yelled. “Don't you remember the conversations we had about him? About how he loved to sing, and always wanted to pursue a career in that? He was good, Robby! He was really good. But he gave it up to raise his family, and I said that I thought he'd had a happy life, but you always insisted that he should have gone for his dreams. Don't you remember any of that?”
Buz said nothing as he stared at her. He did remember. Janie had brought it up several times back then. At the time, he thought they were just making conversation. Now he could see that the issue had been a very important one to her, and he wished that he'd been paying closer attention.
“You told me then what you would do in his shoes,” Janie continued tearfully. “You made it clear that following the music was where your heart lived. That was the dream that meant the most to you! And I didn't want to be the reason that you never chased that dream, because sooner or later you would have ended up resenting me for it. And that is the truth!”
Buzzy didn't know what to say. He just sat there, staring at her with a stunned expression as he let her words sink in. And he was aware that his heart was pounding, sending his blood rushing through his veins and throbbing in his ears. Was she right? Would he have forsaken his dreams of rock stardom if he had stayed in Cleveland with Janie? Or would he have found a way to make both of his dreams come true?
He swallowed nervously as he realized that he didn'
t quite have the answers to those questions. He didn't know how things might have played out back then, and the real truth is that they would never know now. All they could do now was move forward. Or at least, try to. And Buzzy couldn't help but wonder if they could move forward together.
Anxiously, he licked his lips as the unpleasant thought from earlier began to wiggle its way into the forefront of his mind once again. And this time, Buzzy couldn't ignore it. “Janie … did you know about Bobby when you broke up with me?” he asked quietly. “Did you know that you were pregnant when you left me?”
Janie smiled sadly at him. “No,” she whispered. She glanced down at his hand as it rested on the bed and slowly slid her hand toward him, letting her fingers lightly brush over the tips of his.
The gesture took Buz by surprise, drawing his attention and forcing a sharp, silent breath from him. His eyes searched hers as he relished the feel of her fingers on his.
“By the time I realized I was pregnant you had already left town. And I did try to contact you once. I called your dad's house in Virginia, but he told me I had missed you by about three weeks. He didn't have an address for you in Vegas. He said that you didn't have a cellphone at the time, but he asked if I wanted your email address. But somehow I just … took it as a sign that letting you go was the right thing to do. I'm so sorry, Robby,” she softly sobbed. “I should have tried harder to find you. I should never have kept our son a secret from you. I don't blame you for being angry; you have every right to hate me.”
Relieved to hear her answer, Buzzy frowned at her choice of words. “Hate you?” he asked, as he stared into her eyes. “Janie … I don't … I could never hate you.” He reached out and touched her cheek with his fingers as his eyes played over her face. “All this time. Through all the confusion and the pain of losing you. And even now, being so angry at you … and I am angry, Janie. But I love you. I have always loved you; I never stopped.”
The Essential Jagged Ivory (Jagged Ivory Boxed Set) Page 66