by Maine, Miley
The only thing there was to do now was throw myself back into my work and hope for the best.
So, the next morning I got up early before I had to wake up Serenity. Sebastian was already gone, having left on a late-night flight back to northern California.
I went about my morning the way I might usually. Brewing myself a cup of coffee, grabbing the book I was reading. I wanted some time to myself before I woke Serenity up and really started the day. I knew that I needed to push things to the back of my mind in order to be able to get anything done at the office today.
Once it was time to wake Serenity up, I headed to her room, only to find that she was already showered and sitting on her bed, her eyes red and puffy as if she had just been crying.
She looked up at me with a sad smile. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t realize that things would go that badly.”
“It’s okay,” I said, but I didn’t mean it. Part of me was angry at her for coming to me last night, but I knew that was unfounded. Most of it was my fault. If I hadn’t kissed her...if I had only told her to go away sooner...if I had just told Sebastian what was going on...or even if I hadn’t approached Serenity in the first place. Then none of this would have happened and neither of us would be hurting.
She gestured for me to come sit down next to her. I hesitated, but complied. In this situation, I could really use all the support I could get.
“He’ll come around eventually.”
“I really don’t think he will. If Sebastian is one thing, it’s stubborn.”
She sighed. “But he has to. You’re his best friend after all.”
“And you’re his little sister.” I turned to face her. “Look, Serenity, I care about you a lot, I really do, but I don’t want to cause a rift between you and your family. Maybe we should reconsider things.”
She caught my hands between her own. “No. I’m not budging on this. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I don’t want to lose you. I’ll talk to Sebastian; he has to understand. He’s just in the heat of the moment right now, but I know he’ll see things our way soon.”
“If you say so.” I stood. “Come on, let’s head into work early. It’ll help get our minds off of things.”
* * *
Despite what Serenity said, I didn’t really believe her. I didn’t think that Sebastian would come around, at least not anytime soon. And even if he did, I doubted that our relationship would ever be what it once was.
I found it hard to concentrate on my work that day. My mind kept going back to Sebastian and the look of betrayal on his face as he beheld Serenity and me. Would he have shown that same look of betrayal if I had come forward sooner? Were things doomed to fall apart the moment I started sleeping with her?
I didn’t have the answer to any of these questions, and it was killing me from the inside out.
At lunch, I sent Serenity out and sat alone in my office, hands trembling as I held my phone and stared down at Sebastian’s contact info. He would have landed very late last night, in the wee hours of the morning, so he would definitely be home and rested by now. I could call him. I could do it. The only question was if he would pick up.
I tapped on the icon next to his name and held the phone up to my ear, the anticipation coursing through my body.
But no one answered.
I didn’t even get one ring before the phone sent me to voicemail. After it beeped, I hesitated for a second, wondering if I should just hang up.
“Look, Sebastian,” I finally said. “I want to apologize. That’s not how I wanted things to go down and I know that I should have gone about things a different way. I’m sorry, I really am. Just please call me back. I want to talk this through; I don’t want to lose you.”
I hung up, and then texted him the same thing. Knowing him, though, he’d probably delete them right away. I’d have to try calling him again later, maybe send him a few more texts, too, but I didn’t know if anything would get through to him.
I looked up as there was a knock on my door.
“Come in,” I said, knowing that I hadn’t erased the sadness from my voice well.
Serenity entered, carrying a couple of takeout boxes. She set one on my desk and then handed me a plastic fork and knife.
“Are you doing okay?” she asked.
“I’m fine.”
“It doesn’t look like it.”
“Fine enough then. I tried calling Sebastian, but he didn’t answer. Sent me straight to voicemail.”
“Do you want me to try calling him?” she asked.
I shook my head. “No, it’s fine. This is really something that I should be dealing with on my own. You shouldn’t have to worry about it.”
She nodded. “Okay, just let me know. I’d be fine to talk to him for you.”
“You already tried, that’s enough.” I didn’t want her to have to talk to him for me. I wanted to talk to him myself, to apologize and fix this. Because if he wouldn’t listen to me, then our relationship would never be truly fixed, at least not in any meaningful way.
“Okay.” She went back to her desk, sitting down and opening up her own takeout box. “Oh, yeah, I should probably give this back now.” She produced my credit card from her pocket and handed it over. I had given it to her earlier so that she could buy both of us lunch.
“Thank you,” I said, taking it back from her.
“Anytime,” she replied with a smile.
19
Serenity
I didn’t just buy food when I went out for lunch. I also decided that it was time to see if I really was pregnant. Though I hated to admit it, the skipped period and the hormone surges I had been experiencing all pointed to pregnancy, and the sooner I confirmed or denied it, the better off I would be.
So I stopped by the local CVS to pick up a pregnancy test.
The woman behind the counter smiled at me and looked down to my belly. “Are you excited?” she asked.
It seemed an odd question and rather invasive so I just shrugged and gave her a half smile.
“Don’t worry, it’s easier than everyone makes out to be,” she said, leaning forward conspiratorially. “And I’m sure your boyfriend will be there for you for it.”
“Thank you,” I said, grabbing my receipt. I didn’t like this. The situation was nothing like what she might imagine it to be, and I knew that. I didn’t want her making assumptions, or anyone else for that matter.
What would Grayson think if I was pregnant? We had used protection the whole time, and he knew I wasn’t on birth control...with everything that was going on, I worried that it would just add more fuel to the fire.
What if he thought I was cheating on him?
I shuddered, trying to push the thought from my mind. Of course Grayson wouldn’t think that. Or would he? He wasn’t necessarily at the best mindset at the moment, and I felt as if he might take it as an opportunity to lash out at me.
When we headed home, I excused myself to head up to my suite, and into the bathroom. I ripped open the package and read over the instructions carefully. Surprisingly, I had never had to take one of these before. Somehow Ethan hadn’t managed to get me pregnant until last minute (if he had actually gotten me pregnant, that was).
I took a deep breath, and followed the instructions, then waited the next several seconds for the result to appear.
It was an agonizing several seconds, and when the result appeared I felt as if I wanted to cry.
It was positive.
What was I going to do? How was I going to handle this? I had already made the relationship between Sebastian and Grayson strained enough. And would Grayson believe me when I told him it was definitely my ex’s? Or would he doubt me?
I didn’t know if I could handle that right now. More than that, I didn’t know how I was going to handle a pregnancy, or a baby.
Suddenly I felt very homesick. I wanted my mom to talk to, to tell me how to deal with this. I barely felt like an adult, how was I suppose
d to deal with all this?
I slid down to the floor of the bathroom, burying my face in my hands and began to cry. I didn’t know what to do. Should I tell Grayson what I had just found out? Should I call my mom? Should I go home? Should I ask Grayson to get me a flight?
I didn’t know if I could face him right now, the guilt felt like too much. Would he even want me when I was pregnant with someone else’s child?
I didn’t want to get rid of it, even if it was Ethan’s, but would he respect that choice?
Maybe I should just go home.
* * *
In the end I did decide that I was going to head home. I didn’t want to tell Grayson about it, so I was going to have to take a car home. I considered renting a one-way trip and just driving, but it would take me around six hours and I didn’t trust myself to drive all that way by myself.
So instead I called one of the local taxi companies, and they found someone willing to drive me up there for around a thousand dollars.
It was a hefty price, but it made sense, and I wasn’t about to blame them for charging that much for such a long trip.
I figured that I should probably call ahead to at least let someone know that I was coming home, but I didn’t know who, and I didn’t want to concern anyone too much. In the end I decided that I would just send my mom a quick text, and tell her that I would talk to her about the situation once I got back.
I packed my bags as fast as I could, then snuck out of the house once I was sure that Grayson was in his room and asleep. The taxi arrived not soon after, and the driver helped me to load my bags into the trunk.
Having heard horror stories before, I made sure to specifically request a female driver.
“Is everything alright sweetheart?” she asked once she got out of the car. She was a slightly older, plump woman with kind eyes and a gentle voice.
“It’s fine. I just wanted to get home,” I said, not sure if I wanted to reveal too many of the details of my situation to her.
“That’s understandable.” She opened the passenger side door for me and I got in. “I’m from around there actually, decided it was a good excuse to take an impromptu vacation. And I didn’t want to leave anyone stranded this time of year.”
I smiled back at her. “Thank you.”
“Of course.”
The drive back was long and difficult. I probably fell asleep within the first thirty minutes, which I felt somewhat bad for. I didn’t know if my driver needed me to stay awake so that I could help her navigate or what else she might need.
But we made it alright in the end, and she dropped me off at the front door of my house in the wee hours of the morning. I tipped her quite largely after she helped me carry up my bags to the front door, then waved goodbye as she drove off.
With a sigh, I set my shoulders and got out my key and unlocked the front door. I took my bags into the entrance one at a time and then shut the door behind me.
The house felt eerie at this time of the morning, and I just about jumped out of my skin when I saw that my mother was asleep in the armchair next to the door.
“Mom?” I said quietly, not sure whether or not I should wake her up.
I didn’t have to debate it though, because my words were enough to startle her awake. She blinked several times, then looked up at me with a smile.
“Sorry I fell asleep,” she said.
“No, that’s okay. I didn’t expect anyone to be awake when I got home.”
“I just got your text, and I was worried. I couldn’t help but wait for you. Come on, let me help you with those.”
My mother grabbed a couple of my bags and I followed her up to my room where we set them down. Then she turned to me. “Would you like some tea? Or just to go to sleep? I know you must be exhausted but I’m here if you want to talk.”
It was so refreshing to be back. I couldn’t help it. I embraced her, and she held me tight to her chest.
“Oh, shhh, baby, it’s okay, I’m here,” she said.
“I think I’d like some tea,” I said, pulling away for a second to look up at her.
She smiled, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “Alright, we can do that, come on.”
I followed her downstairs to the kitchen, where she flicked on the light and then set a kettle of water on the stove to boil. While we waited, she sat with me at the counter, squeezing my hand tight.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
I didn’t know if I wanted to, what she would think. But I was tired, and she was the only person I could think of that might know what to do, and who wouldn’t judge me for what had happened, or what I had done.
My hesitation made her tilt her head to the side and look at me with a sympathetic expression. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“No, no, I want to,” I insisted. “It’s just...a lot. And I don’t want you to be mad.”
She took both of my hands in her own and squeezed. “Oh baby, you know I couldn’t be mad at you. And clearly it’s something that’s weighing on your heart, so I want to give you support. Allow me to do that.”
I took a deep breath. “Okay, okay. I guess I should start from the beginning. You know that I’ve had a crush on Grayson.”
“Well of course, you hardly kept it a secret. You were so cute then, I still have some of your old doodles of the two of you together.”
I flushed. “Mom, stop.”
“Alright, alright. So you had a crush on Grayson.”
“Maybe still have? We kind of maybe...well after Thanksgiving….” I didn’t know if I could say it, especially not to my mom. It was just so embarrassing. “We maybe, got together? Would that even be the right term for it? We kind of, uh, hooked up.”
My mom nodded, not seeming disturbed by this information as I had expected her to be. “That’s normal for people your age.”
“You don’t think it’s weird? Or wrong?”
“Darling, no. Of course it would have been strange if you two had done those things when you were younger, but you’re both adults and free to make your own decisions. And six years is not a big age gap at all for people of your age.”
“Okay.” I sighed. It was a great relief to know that, unlike Sebastian, my mom did not find our relationship wrong, or disturbing.
“I’m sensing there’s more,” she said, tilting her head to the side. “You know I’m not going to judge you dear. Go ahead.”
“So when I went for the internship, I mean, I did go for the internship, but it was also for the two of us to spend more time together. Our relationship ended up developing into more than it was supposed to be, like an actual relationship and not just some arrangement to satisfy both of us.
“When Sebastian came down, he found out, and he got really, really mad.” I could feel tightness building up behind my eyes, a pressure that was threatening to burst. “And he and Grayson fought, and I think I might have ruined their—their—” I couldn’t finish my sentence, I just broke out into sobs against my mother’s chest. She held me tight, stroking back my hair.
“It’s okay dear. It’s not your fault. I promise. It’s not your fault.”
Just then, the tea kettle began to whistle, and my mother stood. “I’ll go pour some tea,” she said. “I think that’s exactly what you need right now.”
“Thank you,” I managed to say in between sniffles.
“Of course dear.” She poured me a cup, then set it in front of me before sitting back down.
“There’s more,” I finally said after taking a few sips of my drink.
“Go ahead.”
“I—I’m pregnant.”
At this her eyes did go wide, though she tried her best to suppress her surprise. “With Grayson? That’s such a short time.”
I shook my head. “No, it couldn’t be his. He used protection the whole time.”
“Then….”
I nodded. “It’s his.”
“Oh darling.” She pulled me to her chest
. “We can figure this out, don’t worry, you won’t be alone in this.”
“I know. I just don’t want him to be in our baby’s life.”
“That’s okay, we’ll make sure he doesn’t find out. He has no right to your child.”
With this, there was a rustling, and Sebastian entered the room, looking even angrier than I had seen him before.
“I knew it,” he said. “I can’t believe he did that to you. He should have known better.”
“Sebastian—” I reached out, thinking he must have misheard something.
“No, don’t try to justify his actions to me. He might have been my best friend once, but no longer.”
And with that he stalked out of the room.
“He heard it all wrong,” I said, suppressing a sob. “I can’t let him think that...Grayson was always so careful of me.”
My mom cradled me to her chest. “Shhh, let him go. He’s too angry to hear reason right now.”
“He’s been so angry. I feel so bad.”
“It’s not your fault, love. Don’t worry, I promise that I’ll fix things. For the moment, you just need to get some rest. I know that pregnancy can be an emotional time, and you’ve got a lot going on. Let’s get you back up to your room.”
“Okay.” I let her lead me back up to my bedroom, feeling a bit like a little kid again. Somehow my mother always knew what to do, and how to make me feel better. I didn’t know what I would do without her.
“I’ll see you after you get some sleep,” she said, kissing my forehead and then heading to my bedroom door. “Should I wake you up for breakfast?”
I shook my head. “No, I think I’ll sleep in.”
“Okay, just make sure you come down for food at some point.”
I nodded, then watched as she softly closed the door behind her. I didn’t know what I was going to do about facing Sebastian again. Though he hadn’t said anything specifically to me, I had felt the disappointment radiating off of him in waves. I hated feeling like I had let him down, but I guessed in some ways I had.