by Maine, Miley
She was so tough, that sometimes I didn’t think about how young she really was, and how sheltered.
In my ten years of missions, I’d seen so much that it was easy to forget that most people hadn’t seen multiple versions of the worst of humanity, in multiple counties and in multiple languages. They hadn’t seen and documented the worst things people could do to each other, and then be part of the team that tried to undo some of the damage, at least a little bit.
Hell, she’d been a virgin until she met me. For all her volunteer work with at-risk groups, she had never experienced any violence personally. And I was grateful for it. But this trauma had to have her reeling, and she’d definitely never forget it.
Another part of me was relieved. I might never be completely free of my old life, but Johannes was the last terrorist from this particular cell, and he was the last one that had an active vendetta against me.
If I wanted to, I could finally risk having a relationship. But Bethany was too young. Yes, her first boyfriend had been a jerk. As were many guys her age. But she should be able to experience all the rites of passage of being young and in love. I wasn’t sure she’d get any of that with me.
But if she indicated that she was interested, I was going to tell her that I loved her. I’d put the ball in her court, and let her decide.
29
Bethany
Now that we were back in the cabin, things were a little awkward. The day had been full of chaos, and we didn’t make it back up the mountain until 11:30 p.m.
I was exhausted, but also wide awake. I was definitely not ready to go to bed. And where would I sleep? So far I’d slept in Logan’s bed every night but that hadn’t been planned. We had never said good night and then climbed into bed. Each time we’d had super-charged sex and then fallen asleep where we were.
And I wasn’t sure I could sleep yet. I’d never had nightmares, and I wasn’t eager to find out what they were like.
I could not fathom turning off the lights while lying down in bed. And then closing my eyes. “I don't think I'm ready for bed just yet,” I told him.
“Why don't we sit down in front of the fireplace?” Logan asked.
I could walk just fine. My limp wasn't even that bad. But Logan insisted on helping me inside. “You want coffee, tea, or cider? I even have hot chocolate now that you've shopped with me.”
“Cider.” At Christmas, I would never turn down a cider.
Logan came back and sat down. He handed me a mug of cider, and popped open a can of beer for himself.
“Is your leg okay? Need anything?”
I took a sip of my cider. “No. I’m fine.” The fire began to put out some warmth, and I stretched out.
Once again, Logan was trying to take care of me. I hadn’t expected it. It didn’t fit with his Alpha personality. But maybe it did. He wanted to tell me what to do, and he also wanted to protect me. Both from myself, and from others.
So far, he’d managed to do both.
Inside the fireplace, the embers had burned out. He helped me sit down and put a few pillows behind me. I stretched my leg out in front of me while Logan added kindling, newspaper, and fire wood to the fireplace and lit it with a match.
I still had trouble believing that I’d almost been attacked by an actual terrorist. One that wanted Logan dead. And he’d come close to getting what he wanted, by going after me.
I shuddered at the thought.
I’d hidden in a bathroom, blocked the door with a chair, and I’d feared for Logan’s life. I’d been questioned by an FBI agent. I’d had to give a statement that was recorded.
I still wasn’t sure what the terrorist was going to do with me. Had I been a bait? Was he going to kidnap me? Kill me?
This is not the world I Inhabited. I knew that. I’d led a protected life. Today had really brought it home to me. I knew so little of the world. I had traveled yes but it has been for vacations. Because my family was privileged and had money. I’d been to places that were clean and sanitized for tourists. Despite all my charity work, I knew nothing.
Logan had obviously survived many difficult situations. He had taken charge immediately. He had known how to deal with the terrorist both physically and procedurally. He was calm and he was organized and he knew exactly what was going to happen. Would he have known all that from serving in the military? I noticed that he barely talked about his service. Not like Emma's brother, who told stories about his time in the Marines constantly.
Had he been a police officer? A member of the FBI?
He was at home among the uniformed officers that had flooded the Pine Hills Hotel, that much was clear.
I wasn't sure I wanted to know, but I had to ask. “Why did he want me? Johannes? Was he going to kill me?”
“His sole goal in life was to hurt me. He must’ve followed me and seen you. Once I tried to hide you he would’ve known how important you were to me. I can never tell you how sorry I am for this. You should have never had to go through that.”
“You don’t have to apologize anymore. You know, you saved my life on the mountain.”
“Yeah, and I lost all those points when I put your life in danger.”
“No you did not.” I was trying to work up the nerve to ask what he meant about me being important. “Am I important to you?“
“Yes you are very important to me.”
“You’re important to me too.” This felt like something out of a fifth grade play. How many times were we going to repeat this?
There was a long pause. When I looked at Logan’s eyes, they were serious, and I wondered what he was about to say. I didn’t expect what came out of his mouth.
“Bethany, I love you.”
I nearly fell over. “What did you say?”
Logan didn’t hesitate. “I love you.”
“What? Since when?”
“Since today. Or that’s when I realized.”
My hand was shaking so much I could barely hold my mug of cider. “Did you hit your head? Can you get a concussion from being punched?”
Logan scowled at me. “What? No, I did not hit my head. And no I don’t have a concussion. Why would you ask me that?”
I put my mug down on the hearth before I broke it. “Because I feel like this came out of nowhere.”
“Nowhere? What do you mean nowhere? We spent the last few days in bed. We chopped down a Christmas tree together. Hell, I'd let you decorate my house for a holiday I hate and swore I would never celebrate again.”
“Why do you hate Christmas?” I really needed to understand this. After what I’d seen today, I thought maybe there was more going on than I knew about. A whole lot more.
Logan was breathing hard now. “We can talk about that later. We're talking about us right now. Why do you feel like this is out of nowhere?”
“Well I'm not saying I need romantic gestures, and I've never thought flowers or jewelry were particularly important.” Winston had made a show out of gifting me with both frequently. “But sometimes you don’t seem like you want a relationship.”
“I didn’t”
Now I really didn’t understand. Was he telling me he couldn’t date, but he still loved me? What was I supposed to do with that? “You didn’t?”
“No,” he said quietly.
“Are you going to tell me why?”
He popped the tab off his can and twisted it in his hands. “Eventually.”
“I’d really prefer to know now.”
He nodded. “I understand. Okay. It was because of Johannes, and the life I’ve led. It’s dangerous. Or it was, until today.”
“Okay.” I needed some time to think. I was still reeling from the events of the day.
He kissed my cheek. “You don’t have to respond. I just wanted you to know.”
He was being really mature about it, but I could sense disappointment in his eyes. “Okay. I do need some time to think,” I said. I bit down on my lip. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.�
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“Were you in the FBI?”
He finished off his beer and sat the can down. “No.” He smoothed his hand over his forehead. He lowered his voice. “Not the FBI. Can you keep this to yourself?”
“I won’t say a word,” I promised.
“Different alphabet agency.”
Wow. It had crossed my mind. But as far as I knew, I’d never met anyone in the CIA. Of course, that was the idea. I’d never have known Logan had been a part of it, had Johannes not shown up. “The CIA?” I whispered.
He nodded. “How did you know? How did it even occur to you to ask if I was in the FBI?”
“You looked at home today, handling everything. Most people would be rattled. Even someone who’d been in the Air Force. And you never talk about the Air Force, which is not my experience with most people who’ve served. They tell stories. You don’t. You don’t share.”
“You’re very observant.”
“You’re not the first person who’s said that. You’re retired now?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you miss it?”
“No. I don't.”
I had to admit I was relieved. I liked Emma’s older brother a lot and although I respected that he was serving our country, we weren't very close. However every time he left on a deployment I was nervous. I worried about him for her. I couldn't imagine living with the fact that the man I loved was in that kind of danger all the time. It was my impression that Logan had handled a lot of dangerous missions over the years. His ease with the events of today had made that clear.
It was clear there was more to the story. But maybe he couldn't tell me everything. I eventually would want to know everything he was allowed to tell me, but for tonight, I had a lot to think about.
I yawned. “I think I’m going to lie down,” I said. “Just right here in front of the fire.” Damn, the heat felt really good. It was relaxing.
I felt terrible for leaving him hanging. It was clear that he wanted me to say that I loved him back. He had really put himself on the line tonight by doing that. But even though I did love him, I wasn't ready to tell him. Or to even think about what it meant that he loves me.
Maybe everything would be clear in the morning. After I slept.
* * *
The sound of banging reverberated in my head.
“Where are you, little bitch? I did not agree to your boyfriend’s trade. I want him, but I want you too.”
That voice. I had heard it before. Johannes.
I didn’t know anyone named Johannes.
Metal scraped across metal. Someone screamed my name.
“Help me!” I screamed. There was something missing. No. Someone.
“Logan!” Where was Logan? I loved him.
I ran through the dark, unable to see. I’d lost Logan before I’d even gotten to tell him I loved him too.
I woke up with a gasp.
I wasn’t in a dark room. I was in Logan’s living area, lying on a sleeping bag in front of the fireplace. The room was illuminated by soft lamp light, and it smelled of fresh pine needles from the Christmas tree.
“Bethany,” a quiet voice said. A gentle hand was on my shoulder. “Bethany. Wake up. You’re having a bad dream.”
I pushed myself up with my good arm. “Logan?” I closed my eyes. He was here. Not lost. I could still tell him.
“Yeah. I’m here.”
I scooted closer. He was wearing a sweatshirt and gym shorts. Had he slept out here with me? “You didn’t go to bed?”
“I wanted to stay out here with you. And it's a good thing I did. That sounded like a pretty bad nightmare.”
“It was. It was awful.” I put my hand over my heart. I could feel it thumping. “In the dream, I couldn't find you anywhere.”
He pulled my good hand away from my chest and cradled it in his warm hands. He pressed it against his own chest. “I’m here, and I'm not going anywhere.”
This man might be remote. He might not be friendly or outgoing. But he was trustworthy and dependable. I just needed to let him know the truth now.
“I should have told you this earlier. I knew it then. For some reason I held back. I think I was still in shock from hearing you say it.
“Logan. I love you. I am in love with you.”
He stared at me for a minute. In the firelight he had never looked more handsome.
I could not believe I was here with someone who was so brave and so tough. He had served our country in ways I never imagined. He was a passionate man with a lot of love to give. I felt grateful to have met him.
And apparently he was mine, if I wanted him. And I did want him. Very much.
He was my Christmas miracle. And I was not going to take him for granted not for a single second.
He was still staring. “I'm sorry I made you wait.”
“Don't apologize for that. I just put you through hell.”
“I need you to promise me that you will quit blaming yourself for that. The only thing I ask is that in the future, you let me know if there's a possible threat. Would you be willing to do that?”
“Yes absolutely. And if there's a threat again I will never leave you alone.”
“But I also don't want you sacrificing yourself for me.”
“That part is not negotiable. There will never be a day in our relationship where I put you at risk if there's anything I can do to prevent it. And if that means something happens to me first then that's the way it is.”
“But--”
“I'm sorry. That's just the way it is. Actually I'm not sorry. I spent a decade protecting people. I can't turn it off. It's part of who I am. I think it's one reason I was recruited from the Air Force. So you can't ask me to change that part of myself. I could lie, I promise it but it wouldn't be true. That's just a part of me that won't change. Can you accept that?”
Could I? Yes I could, my father was the same way. We had been chased by a mugger once in New York City. My father had pushed me and my mother forward and told us to run while he turned around to run straight at the mugger.
I had been horrified. But then I realized that my dad's love for me was what drove him to do it. Luckily the mugger had been scared off. But Logan had dealt with far deadlier situations then a thief in Manhattan.
“I don't like it. But I understand it. It's part of who you are. And I really respect and admire that part. So just promise me you'll be as careful as you can and that will have to be enough.”
He scooted next to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “I promise you I will always be as careful as I can. Because I want to come home to you at night. I can't imagine ever being reckless about that.”
I stared at him, stunned.
“What?”
“I've heard you say more in the last few minutes then you’ve said all week.”
He pressed his mouth against my hair. “Maybe because it's Christmas. And maybe it's having that effect on me.” He hugged me tighter.
I could not get over the difference in his attitude. “Speaking of Christmas… I think the tree looks too bare. Will you help me finish it?”
“Now?”
“No time like the present.”
“I don't think you need to be standing on that leg.”
“That's why I need your help.”
He groaned. “How can I say no now?”
I laughed in delight. “You can't!”
“Where are these other decorations going to come from?”
“I made some salt dough ornaments while I was baking the pies.”
“What’s a salt-dough ornament?”
“You never made them?”
“Uh no. My mom would not have appreciated the mess I would have made.”
‘There’s a bowl of them in the kitchen.”
He came back with the bowl of tiny stars I’d cut out with the cookie cutter.
“You didn’t show these to me earlier?”
“I didn’t know how they’d turn out.”
He
lifted one from the bowl. “They feel fragile.” He sniffed the small star. “But they smell good.”
“Yep. They’re just flour, salt, water mixed together, and then all the Christmas smells -- nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, and cloves.”
“Who taught you how to make them?”
The question was unexpected. Winston had never shown even one tiny smidgen of interest in the things I made. But maybe it was time to quit comparing anyone to Winston. It seemed to me now that he had merely been a prop in my life. “My grandmother.”
And my family would all be at home right now, making a fresh batch. But I wasn’t going to be sad about it. I was here with Logan, the man I loved.
I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
“So since you have two working hands, take the ornaments and thread the string through the little holes. Then we can add them to the tree, and it will look really cozy.”
He tried, but even with one hand in a cast, I was actually faster than he was. We both laughed, and then I showed him where to start looping the twine so the ornaments would show up on their tree.
Once I declared the job was done, he disappeared into the kitchen. He returned with two glasses of red wine. “Do you drink wine? I've never asked.”
“I do.” I took the class from him and took a sip. “This is good Merlot.”
We both sipped our wine while staring into the fireplace. “We look like something out of a Hallmark movie.”
“Hallmark? How's that?”
I waved my hand around, indicating the room. “A roaring fire, gently falling snow, a festive Christmas tree. All we need is a few Christmas cookies, and that would complete the atmosphere of Holiday cheer.”
“Cookies? Are you baking again?”
“I might be convinced.”
“I have a better idea. Not that your cookies would not be amazing.” He took my almost empty wine glass and set it on the hearth. Then he leaned in to kiss me. “Mmm. I can still taste the wine on your lips.”
I opened my mouth for him, and let him take over. He kept licking over my bottom lip. He took it between his teeth and tugged. Arousal flamed hot in my body. This had always been a fantasy of mine.