by Maine, Miley
She grabs my hand and takes me into the kitchen. I don’t know if I’m surprised or not to see that Rebecca isn’t here yet. She’s probably still in bed trying to work out what the hell happened between us last night. I’m doing the same thing to be honest, because it’s all a big mess. Sure, I got to explain myself and we even ended up kissing, which is more than I ever could have hoped for, but then it got weird afterwards. It was absolutely amazing for a moment, like nothing had ever changed between us, but then she pulled back and she looked at me with wide eyed horror. I tried to find the right words to say to make it ok again, but she ran off before I got the chance. I even heard her bedroom door slam behind her, which told me everything I needed to know. She sure as hell didn’t want me to follow her.
I wish she was here, how many things would I like to say to her to try and work out where things have gone so wrong, but that isn’t a conversation we are going to be able to have in front of Jenny anyway, so I guess I’m going to have to wait.
“Have you seen Mommy yet?” I ask Jenny, trying to seem as innocent as possible. “Is she awake?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen her yet. Would you like me to go and wake her up, Daddy?”
I consider this for a moment before I shake my head not to do that. I promised myself that I’m going to give her space if she needs it, and I can’t fall at the first hurdle. She will come to me when she’s ready.
“No, don’t worry about it. You and I can have some breakfast instead.”
I cook her a nice breakfast, making sure that there is enough food for us and Rebecca as well, all the while thinking about how I should act when she finally wakes up. I don’t want to ignore the kiss, I don’t think we should, it isn’t healthy to not communicate, but I really need to reel myself in, so I don’t push her either.
The one good thing I need to remember is that at least I got to explain myself. At least I made her understand that I didn’t do what she thinks I did, I showed her that I made a series of mistakes that weren’t intentional. I just hope that I made her understand how my business is run far more legally now, so that has given her something to think about. All I can hope is that she starts viewing me as someone she can at least trust again, which may eventually lead to love.
“So, you want to go meet Santa today huh?” I ask Jenny with a smile as she starts eating. “Let’s hope he isn’t too busy, because it’s Christmas Eve and he has got to get ready to deliver everyone’s presents.”
“But he doesn’t do that till nighttime, does he?” Jenny practically rolls her eyes at me as if this is obvious. “So, he can come and meet me today.”
“I don’t see why not.” I let out a bright smile. “Let’s see what we can do.”
But secretly, I grab out my cell phone and I do some research to check that Santa will be at the mall. Something I definitely should have done earlier but didn’t really think about it as I made my promises. Luckily, I quickly find out that we do have a chance at seeing Santa today. Now it’s just going to be a case of working out whether only Jenny is going or if Rebecca will be coming with us. I would much prefer her to come, because meeting Santa is definitely a family activity, but if she won’t, there’s nothing I can do.
“I’m going to wear my snowflake dress!” Jenny calls out through a mouthful of food. “Do you think Santa will like it, Daddy?”
“Oh, of course, he will love it. How can he not love it? You look beautiful in it.”
“Thank you, Daddy.” Jenny glows under the compliment. “I think you look beautiful as well. And Mommy.”
“Mommy is very beautiful,” I agree without thinking much about it. “Just like you. That’s where you get all of your beauty from.”
I lean down and kiss the top of her head, but as I raise my head upwards, I notice that there is a shadow in the door frame. Rebecca. My heart stops beating because I realize she’s probably heard everything that I said about her. I don’t mind her knowing how beautiful I find her, but I don’t want to make it awkward.
“I made some breakfast.” I try and jump over everything I said so we don’t need to discuss it. “It should still be hot.”
“Yes... thank you,” she replies awkwardly. “It smells great.”
“Guess where we are going today, Mommy?” Jenny can’t contain her excitement. “Daddy said that we can go to the mall to meet Santa. Isn’t that amazing?”
“We are?” She looks a little horrified. “I didn’t realize that. But that sounds fun, doesn’t it?”
Rebecca looks at me and my lips turn into a smile, hoping that she doesn’t hate me so much that she wants to back out. If Rebecca wants to go with Jenny, I will have to be the one who backs down because I instigated the kiss.
Or did I? As I think about it, I’m not sure. I don’t even know if one of us really made the first move. We just ended up pulled together like a magnetic force. I definitely leaned down towards her, but I’m pretty sure that she moved towards me as well. We both wanted to kiss one another which is why it happened. Even if she freaked out afterwards, it wasn’t something that I did all alone.
However, I can’t stop myself from feeling responsible, so I will back down if I have to. Even if it was my idea and it’s something that I definitely want to do.
“I thought it might be nice for us to head to the mall, to see Santa on Christmas Eve,” I offer, in an attempt to explain myself. “Then if anyone has any shopping to do, things we need to buy, then this is the time we can do it.”
“Yep okay. That is a good idea,” she agrees. “I could probably use that actually.”
I don’t know if she’s telling me the truth or not, because I know how organized Rebecca normally is about holidays, but I appreciate her agreeing with the plan.
As Jenny explains her plan to wear her snowflake dress just like she did to me, I find myself watching Rebecca intently. She hasn’t given anything away yet, if I wasn’t so sure that I can still feel her against my lips, then I might doubt myself that we ever kissed at all. But she hasn’t forgotten, I know her too well for that. I assume she’s waiting for the right moment to talk about it.
Maybe tonight, once Jenny is in bed, we can be more honest with each other again. Although it might be a better idea not to include the wine this time. Much as it made it easier to talk, it also made it easier to overstep the boundaries which wasn’t the best plan. Not so soon anyway.
“Why don’t you go and get dressed, Jenny?” I think it’s time to speed things along. “If we get going soon, we can be one of the first ones there.”
“I don’t want to miss Santa.” Jenny looks panicked now. “He’s going to be busy, later on, isn’t he?”
As she rushes to her room, I smile at Rebecca just at the moment she allows the redness to rush all the way through her. Now I can definitely see she remembers last night, and she’s a bit embarrassed about it. I know that I should say something to try and make it a bit easier for us to deal with, but I can’t find the right words. There must be a combination of sounds that can come out of my mouth to make her feel better, but I have nothing. What is wrong with me?
“I’m going to get dressed as well.” she nods slowly. “I don’t want to make Jenny late; she will never forgive me.”
“Oh, that’s true. That girl can sure hold a grudge when needs be.”
I watch sadly as Rebecca looks away from me, without even glancing backwards. I would love nothing more than for her to dart her eyes to see me for a second, just to let me see that she cares as well, but she gives me nothing. I hope this is her just trying to hold herself together and not give me the hint that last night was a mistake.
For me, last night could never be a mistake, especially when I think about the way my heart skips a beat as I admire the curve of her ass. But it isn’t just her body that I admire, nor is it her gorgeous face, it’s how wonderful her personality is and how well we get along. The woman is everything to me.
“Just hold it together,” I whisper to myself. “For
a little while longer. That’s all you need to do.”
Today isn’t exactly about Rebecca. It’s about giving Jenny the best Christmas Eve ever. We have done fun Christmas things before, this is the first year that Jenny will be old enough to really appreciate it, and I want it to be amazing. So, for her, I need to push my feelings to the back of my mind and forget about the kiss until later on.
“You can do that.” I nod to myself as I walk to my room to get dressed myself. “Just don’t think about it. Easy.” I shrug to myself. “Nothing to worry about at all.”
If only it was that easy, if I could just push thoughts of her out forever, but I know it’s going to be a long day of me trying to act like I’m not bothered rather than being okay with things. But if I keep Jenny at the forefront of my mind, then I won’t forget my purpose for doing this. Whatever happens between me and Rebecca, she is still the top priority.
13
Rebecca
December 24th
We didn’t come to the mall last year, we went to see Santa at one of the garden centers on the edge of town because Jenny was too little too really get it, and I didn’t want her to freak out in front of all the Moms at the mall if she didn’t like Santa. But this year I’m sure she’s ready. Judging by the way she is jumping up and down in the queue, I guess we weren’t the only ones who wanted to beat the crowds, Jenny is over the moon to be here. She hasn’t even freaked out yet about how long we have been waiting here, which is something of a miracle. She’s normally too impatient to do anything.
It seems like Taylor had a really good idea to bring her here. I have to give him credit for that. I have to give him credit for a lot of things. He’s been much more incredible than I imagined. So incredible that I am confused in so many ways. I mean, the kiss last night was bad enough on its own, but the way I’m feeling today is even worse.
I went to bed determined that I would tell Taylor we could never kiss again because it complicates the divorce that has already gone through, but now I don’t know what to say. I should have gotten up earlier and said it right away, rather than hiding away in my bedroom too scared to face him. But I didn’t, and now I don’t know how I’m going to get those words out, because I don’t know how much I really believe them.
“How much longer, Daddy?” Jenny asked while holding Taylor’s hand. “I don’t want to miss him.”
“I promise you that you won’t miss him,” he reassures her. “Santa wants to meet you just as much as you want to meet him”
“He does?” Her eyes widen with excitement. “Why does he want to meet me?”
Taylor gets down on his knees and holds on to Jenny’s shoulders so he can look into her eyes as he answers her. “Sweetie, you are incredibly special. You are a wonderfully funny girl who always put anyone else before yourself. You’re so caring, smart, and so loving. Why would Santa not want to meet someone like that?”
I absolutely love the way that Jenny giggles girlishly at him, the smile so bright it nearly cracks her face. He really does have a way with words, to make people feel much better. Those words have been for me many times, and I’ve missed it since we separated. I’ve missed him so much; I’ve always felt like the world was a better place when we were together.
But he was in jail. I couldn’t forget that he was in jail. He did a bad thing, even if it wasn’t intentional. Can bad things be forgiven, if they weren’t done on purpose? I don’t know. I don’t really know anything anymore.
“Ooh look, we are getting closer,” Jenny cries out excitedly. “Mommy, can I hold your hand?”
She grabs me before I answer her and holds on to Taylor as well, sealing us as a family. He catches my eye and smiles at me with an unmistakable look of love, which makes my heart flutter. I want to drag my eyes away because I’m too afraid to give him the same look back, but again I find myself lost in his eyes. I can’t look away because I want him to look at me like that, I want to feel the way he makes me feel with his love. I’m the most important person in the world to him, the only thing that exists... at least, that’s how it feels when he gives me those eyes.
Immediately, I’m transported back to all the times I have felt this look rushing over me. The first time we had sex, he stared at me for hours, watching me sleep. When he proposed to me, I felt that look as well. On our wedding day, in front of all those people, his eyes were the only thing I saw. And now, here I am feeling that way when I never thought that would happen again. I didn’t think I’d be able to look at him long enough to feel it.
“Are you ok?” Taylor whispers at me. “Do you need anything?”
I shake my head and smile. “I’m fine, you?”
“Oh, I am more than fine.”
Shit, I know what he means by that. He is thinking about last night again. I have been seeing it on his face all day long on and off. Taylor might be trying not to think about it because we can’t exactly have any kind of complicated conversation in front of Jenny.
I don’t want to think about it either, not right now, but it’s been on my mind all day. The feel of his mouth against mine was wonderful, the butterflies he gave me, the breathless heady sensation tearing through my body, the yearning for so much more... that’s why I freaked out and ran away. I knew that if I kept on looking at him, we were bound to kiss some more, and there was no telling where it would lead.
I don’t need Maggie to tell me that would be a mistake. I know that for myself; thank you very much. Mind you, as I pressed my head up against the door to cool down, I did consider rushing back, wrapping myself around him more than once. All the dreams that I have been having about him since we got divorced could have come to life, and a giant part of me wanted that.
Thank God I didn’t follow through on that urge, because this is complicated enough.
Soon, we manage to reach the front of the line and Jenny gets to meet Santa. It’s the first time that she’s ever really appreciated it, which shows on her face as she takes a seat beside him to talk about what she wants for Christmas. At first, she discusses a few toys that she has been asking for all year long, most of which either me or Taylor have bought for her. Then, just as it’s time to go, she leans up to Santa to whisper something just to him. I’m struck with an icy cold sensation because I’m worried about what she’s going to say. Judging by the way the Santa’s eyes instantly snaps to me and Taylor, it’s something to do with us. To be honest, this year, I have noticed a danger in Christmas movies, they give the impression to children that miracles are possible, often in the form of bringing their families back together. Considering what we are going through right now, this is particularly problematic. What if she has asked Santa to bring us back together as a family full time, and we can’t make that happen? I don’t want to destroy her innocence; nor do I want her to not believe in the future. It’s scary, knowing that she wants something so bad and I can’t make it happen.
Fortunately, the awkward moment doesn’t last long, and she is soon skipping off and asking Taylor to buy her a picture with Santa because she wants to remember this forever. Of course, he gives her what she wants which really makes her happy. I’m happy on her behalf, but I still feel a little on edge. I can’t help but worry about letting her down. It doesn’t matter how much I try not to; I seem to keep giving Jenny something to be unhappy out.
Being a family together is wonderful, an image of it lasting forever is how it’s supposed to be, but me and Taylor gave up on one another, and if we can’t make it work a second time around then it will be worse for Jenny. This isn’t just about me and him, it’s about her most of all.
“While you guys wait for the picture to be printed, I’m going to take a quick look around,” I tell them both quickly because I need a moment to myself. Just to get my head in order. “I actually have a few things that I want to buy, if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind,” Taylor replies happily right away. “Jenny would be fine with me for a while, take as long as you want.”
The
smile he gives me makes me want to stay, my heart desperately wants to hug him and never let go, but my feet start moving regardless. At least one part of my body knows what’s best for me.
I hang my head low and walk towards the nearest store, just to look like I’m actually doing what I told him I would. I really hope that I don’t bump into someone I know right now, because I’m not in the mood for any kind of communication. At least I know I can’t bump into Maggie, because she would take one look at me and drag me the hell away from the mess, I’ve made for myself. I can’t leave until I know where Taylor and I go from here. Much as I don’t want to, we have to have some kind of conversation, decide how our relationship will progress. For example, are we going to continue to have our conversations through lawyers after we’ve had ten days of talking face to face? Wouldn’t that be counterproductive and expensive without needing to be? Plus, I’m sure it would be better for Jenny’s sake if we could talk like normal people. As long as we can control our feelings and not kiss anymore.
Not kissing should be the easiest thing in the world, so why is it so damn hard?
I wander a little aimlessly around the store, grabbing a couple of little toys that I can put in Jenny’s stockings, when all of a sudden, I see it. A green moss colored sweater which I just know Taylor would love. It’s the sort of thing I definitely would have bought for him last year, but I don’t know what the protocol is going to be this year. A couple of days ago, I never would have even considered getting him anything, why would I when we aren’t even talking? But now it feels like it’s calling to me, like I should get it for him for some kind of peace offering or a friendship olive branch. Just as a way to show him that I still care about him, even if he did break my heart.
What are you doing? My brain asks me as I finger the material. Are you actually considering this? Won’t it be really awkward to hand it to him?