by Maine, Miley
Jenny comes across and gently touches my cheek. There is a real concern in her eyes. “Yes, Mommy, you look like you could use some sleep. I don’t think the fun fair would be a good idea for you.”
“As long as you and Daddy have fun, that’s all it matters to me.”
She nods, letting me know that she’s going to have fun no matter what. I’m glad because today is going to be heavy enough anyway, the last thing I need is to be stressing that she is having a bad time.
By the time I fold up the blanket that Taylor must have put across me during the night in a very sweet gesture, he is by my side with a coffee, just like he is every single day to help me start the day right. I feel guilty today and I take the mug from him because it doesn’t feel like I should be accepting anything from him when I’m about to betray him. I know what I need to do, and nothing is going to stop me, but it does feel a bit shit, being two faced. He’s been so good to me and I’m about to search through his whole life.
Then again, I suppose I could blame it on him really, since he’s the one who lied to me in the first place and broke my trust. If he hadn’t done any of that, then none of this would be a problem. We wouldn’t be in this situation.
“Thank you.” an ice-cold horror strikes me as I take my first sip. The caffeine doesn’t warm me up like it normally does. “Lovely, tastes good, Taylor.”
He looks at me like he wants to lean and kiss me, and I kind of want to let him even if Jenny is watching. We have been slipping into coupledom anyway over the last couple of days. But that’s still ill advised, especially since I don’t know what’s going on with him, so neither of us make that move.
“Will you be okay today?” he asks, seemingly completely unaware of what I’m planning. “I feel a bit bad leaving you alone all day, but I do want to spend some time with Jenny today to make up for yesterday.”
“I’ll be fine, but will you? There isn’t any chance that you’ll be called in to work, is there?”
“Not today, no.” He shakes his head determinedly. “It’s all under control, I have already talked to Archie about it.”
“Good, but I will be on standby if you need me at any moment. I know you can’t help it if you have to go to the office.”
I don’t know why I say that, because I don’t want to be disturbed. Maybe a little bit of me is hoping for the distraction so I don’t have to do this.
“Great, thank you so much, Rebecca. That means a lot to me, as always.”
Thankfully, before I can change my mind, it isn’t long until Jenny is ready to go. They leave me alone in the house while they go to the fun fair. I don’t move at first, I sit on the couch staring at the wall, trying to gear myself up to make my move. I keep telling myself that it’s for the best, I need to make sure that they are gone before I do anything silly, but really, I’m just afraid.
“Get over yourself,” I tell myself again. It seems like I need to keep reminding myself. The message doesn’t seem to be sinking in. “Come on, this is your one and only chance.”
Anxiety threatens to consume me as I finally rise to my feet. It takes every scrap of strength I have to walk towards where I have seen all of Taylor’s work things. I can only assume that it’s his office. It’s a room I wouldn’t normally enter, I never went into it when it was in family home, but that was the problem. It meant I didn’t know the truth. Now I need to know because it will determine the rest of my life.
I can barely catch my breath as I walk inside, my lungs seem to stop working, the air feels different in here. But I don’t let that deter me. I keep going, thinking of Jenny the entire time.
I don’t know where to start, I’m not sure which file I should be looking in first, so I just grab one. As far as I can see, Taylor keeps immaculate paperwork, it’s all very clear and concise which makes it easy for me to look through, but the problem is I don’t really understand it. There seems to be a lot of numbers and names which I don’t really know enough about to make any kind of judgement.
“This is hopeless,” I whisper frustrated, already starting to feel like this was a big mistake. “What am I even looking for here?”
I wish I had Maggie with me, she would know exactly where to look, and what to find. Again, I’m left feeling hopeless, and I’m also unable to trust my judgment. I can’t seem to work anything out by myself, it’s pathetic really. I wish I could make myself more capable of making a decision. A smart one would be preferable.
“Use your knowledge,” I try. “Use what you know about Taylor to figure out where he would hide something from you. He’s not going to leave it out on the open in this file, is he?”
I glanced around his office, trying to get into Taylors mind set. I’m not Maggie, and I can’t trust my own judgement, but surely, I can use what I do have to my advantage. And the only thing I really have, is the fact that I know Taylor really well.
There are filing cabinets, ones with a lock on, would that be where he’s got secrets? I suppose it’s worth a try. I do know where his keys are. I have seen him hanging some near the front door with little keys on the key ring that would probably fit this lock.
Without giving myself a chance to talk myself out of it, I race out to the hallway and grab the keys. I run back and open the drawers one at a time, running my eyes through all of the information. I don’t find much at first, but I don’t feel like I’m giving up hope this time around. I’m running with this surge of determination to see where it takes me.
“His desk.” I get excited. “He might keep something in his desk.”
It doesn’t take me long to find the right key, and it isn’t long before I’m pulling those drawers open as well. The papers in these are different, I have a feeling that I might be on the right track, which makes me very happy. I get so carried away in the idea of solving the mystery, that I forget what the answer will mean. It’s hard to recall how much this is going to hurt if I find out that he’s betrayed me again.
“What is this?” I ask myself as I find something different. Really different this time. I don’t fully understand it, but my heart stops beating, and my gut realizes this isn’t right. My brain doesn’t really get it yet, but my instincts do. And my instincts are screaming at me that this is bad. “More drugs? More money laundering. Perhaps something different this time around?”
I would never want Jenny’s father to end up in jail... again. At least the first time it happened, I wasn’t in his life and she wasn’t born yet, I wouldn’t want her to have to suffer that now, but if I’m seeing what I think I might be, then he could go back to jail.
I clap my hand over my mouth as shock bolts all the way through me. I have found something, I’m sure I have, these transactions are massive and don’t quite seem right. Plus, there is my gut instinct. I want to get someone to look over this, so I can get a professional opinion to confirm my worst fear. I just have a feeling that if something doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t right. I divorced Taylor to avoid ever having to deal with this. I should never have gone anywhere near him again. I probably shouldn’t even be here right now. If I was at home, I would be alone, missing Jenny, but I wouldn’t have this complicated mess to comprehend. Now I want to change the child custody arrangements because I think that Taylor cannot be trusted ever. Which may not affect his fathering skills but does potentially put Jenny in danger. Because he could throw this back in my face. It would become a sticking point in the trial and make me look terrible.
What the hell have I done? How have I got myself in to this? And more importantly, how the hell am I going to get out?
20
Taylor
December 26th
I’m absolutely exhausted. The boxing day fun fair seemed like such a good idea when I suggested it to Jenny, but now we are both wiped out, so I am glad to get home.
Mind you, I’m also grateful to be back because it means I can talk to Rebecca at last. She seemed quiet this morning, and she was back to not being able to look me in the eye,
which has me worried. We didn’t talk last night, we ended up sleeping together instead, but we can’t avoid it again. Putting off the conversation isn’t getting either of us anywhere, so this time I need to be strong and put communication first.
“Are you going to bed as soon as we get in, Jenny?” I ask, but as I have a quick look in the rearview mirror, I see that’s a pointless question because she’s already fast asleep. “Looks like I’ll be carrying you in then.”
A weird thunderstorm settles in the pit of my stomach as I pull up to my driveway. I have the strange feeling that today is going to be difficult. We still have a few days together, but I want to make sure we figure out what is going to happen when Rebecca goes back home again.
Just remember to keep your pants on this time, my brain scolds me sarcastically. Keep your head in check and everything might be okay.
I keep repeating that over and over to myself as I carefully take Jenny out of the car, trying my best not to disturb her. If I wake my daughter up now, chances are she will get a second wind and be up all night long. Especially when she remembers all about her new Christmas toys. She’s had so much fun today that she hasn’t thought about them at all, but I know that will change once we get in the house.
I need her to stay asleep because the pit is growing bigger in my stomach and I need to calm down. Honest conversation is the only thing that can do that.
I knock on the door because I struggle to find my keys with Jenny in my arms, but after only a couple of seconds, Rebecca is there to open the door. As always, she’s like an absolute vision, she makes my heart skip a beat because she’s so beautiful. I’m struck by the powerful sense that I was once the luckiest man alive, and I let everything I had go away. I can’t do that second time; it will kill me.
“I just need to put Jenny to bed,” I whisper in another attempt not to wake her up. “Then I’ll be back. Do you mind sticking the kettle on? I haven’t had a coffee all day long.”
Rebecca gives me one sharp nod, before turning rapidly on her heels, and walking away from me. Yep, she’s definitely still on edge. Spending the day apart and giving her space clearly wasn’t enough. It’s disappointing, crushing really, to know that we’re on another down slide of this roller coaster, but I’m sure that Rebecca knows as well as I do, the ups are worth fighting for.
I carefully put Jenny to bed, moving as quickly as I can without disturbing her, then once I’m sure that she is settled, I go back to Rebecca for the coffee I don’t need. I wanted her to make it, so she didn’t vanish on me and go to bed. There’s no telling what she will do since Jenny is asleep, and I’m sure she wants to be just as careful as I do to make sure that nothing else happens again until we’ve talked.
“Oh, thank you so much.” I eagerly grab the mug from her, and gulp down the coffee like there’s no tomorrow. Actually, it does taste pretty amazing. I think I might have needed this more than I thought. “Wow, what a day.” I mock wipe my forehead, hoping that by acting as if I can’t sense the tension, Rebecca will relax. “That girl has bundles of energy. She never seems to stop. I definitely think that I made up for yesterday though, because she had the best time ever.”
“Good, that’s good,” Rebecca replies thoughtfully. “I’m glad to hear that you both had a good time.”
“How was your day? Were you okay here by yourself?” I’m hoping this might give us an in.
“I wasn’t feeling too great, so it was nice to have the time to relax. Normally if it’s during the week, I don’t get that.”
“You always know that you can call me, don’t you?” Now I feel bad. Even worse than I have for the last year. “I know you think I’m a workaholic, but I will always drop everything for Jenny.”
Rebecca nods, but doesn’t give me any words. To be perfectly honest, she doesn’t look entirely convinced either. I really don’t think I’m as bad as everyone makes me out to be... But I suppose if I keep hearing the same thing, maybe I should pull my head out of my ass and listen a little bit. It isn’t like I have to be at the office as much as I am, I have established things now so they can run smoothly without me. Plus, I have Archie, who really can do everything, as long as I’m around in case of an emergency... maybe it would be ok to take a bit of a step back.
Hey, if I can get my marriage and family back, I am willing to do anything. Any life changes needed; I will do.
“Well, I’m glad you got a rest today anyway. I hope it makes you feel better tomorrow.”
“Yes, me too. I don’t like feeling this way at all.”
I watch as she takes a seat on the couch and sips her drink. Rebecca might be here in the room with me physically, but mentally, I don’t know where she is. She has that dazed look in her eyes, which I know means she’s deep in thought. I wish more than ever that I could dive into her brain to see where she is.
“So, have you eaten anything? Or are you not feeling well enough?”
She shrugs her shoulders, not giving much away, which leaves me feeling a little helpless to be honest. I guess there’s no point in hanging around now, I might as well try and talk. It’s probably not the best idea to keep putting it off anyway, because the longer I wait, I will only find an excuse not to do it at all.
“So, did you want to talk about what’s been going on between us? God, sorry, that sounds really dumb doesn’t it?” I hang my head low feeling sorry for myself as I do. “I just thought it might be time for us to have a chat, because it feels like there’s a lot hanging in the air which we need to discuss.”
Her eyes open wide, as if she panicked. I don’t think she had to plan to talk today which is a little disappointing because it needs to be done.
“We don’t need to have a massive in depth talk or anything,” I try my hardest to reassure her. “I thought we should clear the air a bit.”
“Right, okay, if that’s what you want.” She nods a little too quickly. “We can talk. What did you want to talk about?”
“Did I do something wrong last night?” We might as well start there, since that seems to have caused a lot of issues. “I did try to wake you up, but you were so exhausted that I couldn’t disturb you. I didn’t realize that I was doing something wrong. Jenny didn’t see you on the couch anyway, did she? “
“She did, but I told her I wasn’t feeling well. That didn’t matter.”
Huh, so if that isn’t the issue, then what is? Is it me? Perhaps she’s full of regret for going anywhere near me.
“Okay, so did you want to come up with a plan in the future, to make sure we don’t slip up again?”
“Slip up in what way?” she immediately demands. “As in sleeping together again or falling asleep on the couch?”
Her tone is so biting, her attitude is full of anger, which leaves me even more confused. I don’t understand what I have done to upset her this much. This is almost like the version of her I saw all the way through our divorce. But at least then I knew what I had done wrong... or what she assumed I’d done wrong anyway.
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “That’s why I think we should talk so we can work out...”
“Where this is going?” she replies sarcastically, as if we are in the first throes of dating and we are trying to work out if we serious or not.
“Well, it doesn’t have to be like that,” I insist. “It doesn’t have to be so serious. I would just like to know where your head is at.”
“Me too,” she agrees with me. “Believe me, I’m trying to work out where my head is as well.”
Okay, so I’m starting to see what the issue is. Clearly, she didn’t plan to come to my house with the intention of falling into bed with me. I understand that. It must be a surprise when she was so set on the divorce. I didn’t really factor that into my decisions when I was planning.
I look at her sadly, wishing that I could just bridge the gap and make everything ok again, but once more I need to remind myself that if she needs space, I have to give it to her. It’s the only way I won’t pus
h her away from me again.
“I will leave you then,” I say quietly while rising to my feet. “I didn’t realize that you were struggling so much with this. I’m sorry if I put pressure on you again, that wasn’t what I meant to do.”
She narrows her eyes at me, and I can see thousands of questions floating through her mind. I just wish she would ask them so I could have a better idea of what’s bothering her.
“Yes, I think I will go to bed as well. My head is all over the place at the moment, so I’m sorry if I’m acting weird. This is all just a bit much for me.” Her heart is breaking; I can see it. But I can’t fix it right now. “I’m just sick and I need to sleep.”
I automatically lean across to her, like I’m going to kiss her. I really want to kiss her, so badly. But her body language is screaming out for me not to act on that. She’s introverted and stiff, stressed.
“Okay well, good night then. I hope you feel better in the morning.”
Is that a tear I spot in her eye? Oh God, is she upset enough to cry? I don’t like that at all. It kills me to watch her walk away from me, but it’s all I can do. If space is what she needs, then that’s what I will give her.
“Goodnight,” she called over her shoulder before I hear the door clicking behind her.
That sound is so final, at least it is for tonight. I’m not going to be getting into any conversation with her or have any physical contact with her. I miss her like crazy already, but I lasted the year, so I suppose I can cope with one night. It would be easier if I knew that we would end up together at the end of it, but there are no guarantees here. With any of this.
21
Rebecca
December 27th
Today’s the day. I have barely slept all night with the stress, but there is only one conclusion I can come too. One way I can deal with this to be sure what I found is that I think it is, so I can make the right decision. I battled with this throughout the night, up until about two a.m. I decided to forget about it, but now I have come back around going to the police again.