by Maine, Miley
“And that’s why you’re taking Jenny? Even though this is my time with her? Because of a necklace?”
“It’s not because of the necklace. Don’t you get it? It’s because I can’t trust you. It’s because you have been in jail before, because you’re a criminal, and I don’t want my daughter around someone like that. What if your crime follows you to your house while Jenny is here? I can’t risk that. I should have never risked it. It was a bad idea to let her come to you.”
My heart damn near stops beating. I can’t believe what I’m hearing, this is getting worse and worse. “You are kidding, right? You aren’t seriously about to take her away from me forever because of something that happened long before we were even together, never mind her being born? I told you that it’s not happening now. I don’t know why you can’t just believe me. Yes, I’ll admit there was one lie, and it was a big one. I get why that would freak you out. But think about all the truths I told you, all the times I didn’t lie. You can’t just forget all the good and focus on only one bad. That’s ridiculous.”
“So, I’m ridiculous for wanting to keep Jenny safe? That makes me a bad mom, does it? Because I’m sure anyone else would think that makes me a good parent. The definition of a good parent, actually.”
“What is happening here?” Frustration nearly crushes me. “What are you saying right now? You’re saying I’m a bad father? I have always put Jenny first and I would never allow her to be in any danger, you know that better than anyone. And I’m not saying you’re a bad mom, I would never say anything like that. But you can’t take her away from me. That isn’t fair.”
“It isn’t fair for me to have to live in distrust and fear either. You know that. Please don’t stop me from doing what’s right. I have to take Jenny until I know what’s going on for sure.”
“What does that even mean? Know what for sure? How exactly are you intending to find out?”
She has no answers to those questions, and I don’t either. It seems like she really is going to leave and take Jenny with her. Of course, this is something I could argue and fight, legally as well as morally, but I don’t think that’s the right thing to do. For now, I think I have to let her go.
23
Rebecca
December 28th
Jenny hates me, I can see it in her eyes. Bringing her back home without her father has really upset her. She even told me as much, but there isn’t anything I can do about it, is there? I can’t explain things to her yet, because I don’t have the proof, which means she’s not going to get it. She will just see it as me betraying her, taking her away from her father during their time together. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m doing it for the right reasons, even if she doesn’t see it yet.
“Goodnight, Jenny,” I say quietly as I leave her bedroom. “See you in the morning.”
But she doesn’t reply. I suppose she could be asleep already, because she has been very tired, but I’m pretty sure she’s ignoring me. She doesn’t want to speak to me, and I suppose I can’t blame her for that. She isn’t old enough understand I want what’s best for her, so I have to take the hatred.
“Sorry, baby,” I say as a whisper. “I don’t like this just as much as you don’t, but this is what I have to do.”
Thank God Maggie is downstairs, proving to me that she meant what she said when she promised to be there for me. I called her in the car on the way over and she was here before we got back.
“Is she still mad?” Maggie asks through gritted teeth. “She looked super upset when you got here.”
“She’s going to hate me forever.”
“She won’t.” Maggie hugs me as soon as I flop on the couch beside her. “You are doing the right thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.”
“It really doesn’t,” the tears that had been threatening to fall all day long start coming. I’ve been holding them in because I didn’t want anyone else to see, but now I can’t stop them. “It feels like I failed again.”
“Why have you failed?” Maggie screams. “What on earth have you failed at? You have done everything that you can. You have done more than you should have. You gave Taylor another chance even when you shouldn’t have, and he’s betrayed you again.”
Hearing it said so bluntly brings more tears. I can’t stop myself from sobbing like crazy. I’m a puddle of tears collapsed against Maggie’s shoulder. This is exactly what she warned me against. Maggie knew this was going to happen, but instead of ghosting me for being idiotic, yelling at me that she told me so, she’s here to support me. She’s the best friend I ever could have hoped for.
“I’m an idiot,” I wail. “Why am I such a fool? Why do I keep falling for him over and over again? He can’t be trusted, and I knew that, yet I let myself fall for it again.”
“You aren’t an idiot,” Maggie reassures me. “Not at all. You’re just in love. People do crazy things when they’re in love. You won’t be the first person to do something that isn’t sensible. We’ve all been there.”
But I can’t focus on what other people would do, or the fact that I’m not alone in this, because I’m too wrapped up in my own emotions. Right now, I’m sure that Taylor is the only man I will ever love, the only person I’ll ever be able to be myself around, the only one for me but my soulmate is a liar. He can’t be mine, because the version of him that I love isn’t real. What does it say about me? I don’t even want to know.
“I just wanted my family back, Maggie. I wanted to be together, all of us, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I tried so hard, and it got me nowhere.”
I think that’s a massive part of what’s killing me, losing my family. I’m not just losing Taylor, am I? I’m losing everything we could have had together. I know that I have already been through this, that we are already divorced, but it really is hitting me harder this time. I can barely stand it.
“It hasn’t got you nowhere, Rebecca, don’t feel like that. You have learned a lot from it, and not only that, but you have a beautiful child to come from it. No life experiences are pointless. The next relationship you have will be different because you’ve learned a lot from this one.”
“I don’t want another relationship,” I tell her firmly. “Never again. I honestly can’t consider going there with anyone again. It’s too hard.”
“You’re just saying that right now because you are in the middle of heartbreak. You won’t feel like that forever. I promise you, Rebecca. There will come a day when you are completely over Taylor, and you would want that love again. The next person you are with will be someone much better for you, someone who treats you right.”
Perhaps she is right, maybe I will get to that stage one day. But I can’t imagine it. I can’t see myself ever wanting anyone the way I’ve wanted him. I can’t imagine dating and falling in love with another man, bringing another man into Jenny’s life, other children with another person, another wedding with a different groom at the other end of the aisle... it’s all too much.
“I don’t know, Maggie. I don’t know about any of it. Right now, it just feels like my life is ending. It’s the same pain all over again. I’m heart broken.”
But I’ve put myself here, I gave myself the pain this time around. Last time I had him to blame, but it’s worse knowing that I could have avoided it.
What if that means I don’t recover? What if I never get over this?
“We are still going to find a way for you to come out with me on New Year’s Eve,” Maggie declares firmly. “I know right now you’re going to tell me that you’re not in the mood, and you don’t want to leave Jenny. You would rather stay here with her if she can’t be with Taylor, but I’m telling you that we need this, you need this. You need something to signify the new year because it’s going to be a fresh start for you. It’s the time for you to finally move past everything that you’ve been through with Taylor. Last year it was too soon, and this year I’ll admit that you have messed things up a bit by going near him, but it’s time
for closure. It’s time to say goodbye and put that in the past forever. You’ll never be able to move on otherwise. Before you panic, I don’t mean you have to move on with someone else, just move on with yourself.”
I hate that idea, it makes me feel sick to my stomach, Maggie has that determined tone to her voice and I know she won’t take no for an answer. Not tonight anyway. I will have to just agree for now and turn her down later.
“Don’t give me that look, Rebecca. I am going to bring you out with me. You really do need this. You are so tense; you have to blow off some steam.”
“We’ll see,” I reply in a vague manner. “I don’t know. Right now, I just want to climb in bed and never get out again.”
“You do need to go to sleep, don’t you?” Maggie runs her eyes all over me. “Come on, let’s get you up to bed. Have a good nights’ sleep because things will look better in the morning. They always do.”
That’s what I thought before as well. That’s why I stayed at Taylor’s for one extra day. Because I wanted to see if things would be better in the morning. But they didn’t, and they looked even worse when he gave me the necklace. The necklace unhinged everything.
“Yes, bed.” at least if I’m asleep, I won’t be lost in my thoughts, getting myself all tied up in knots. “I need to go to bed.”
Maggie takes me upstairs and basically tucks me in like I’m a child. It feels nice to have her mothering me. Caring about me, since I clearly don’t do a good job of caring for myself. When I’m left to my own choices, I make a giant screw up of everything, as I’ve proven by my shitty decisions that got me back in the same place, I was last year.
“Don’t let me go back there again,” I beg Maggie. “Please make sure that I don’t go anywhere near him in that way again. I am sick of Taylor breaking my heart.”
“I’ve been trying to make sure that you don’t go near him, but I failed so far,” Maggie replies sadly. “You just need to start listening to me.”
“I will,” I reassure her. “I promise you. You are a lot wiser than me, Maggie. Just remind me when I stop listening again.”
“I will.” she strokes my head sweetly. “I will make sure that the man you end up with is the right one for you. Now, I’m going to sleep downstairs, I’m here if you need me.”
She switches the light off as she goes leaving me in the dark, where the tears seem to flow again. Even worse than when I was on Maggie’s shoulder. I try to close my eyes and wait for sleep to come for me, but all I get is Taylor’s face. He floods my mind and makes me feel gutted and sad. All I want to do is reach out and hold him, but there is a wall building in front of us, and it’s a wall being built by us. Him with his lies, me with my distrust, us with our trying and failing over and over again.
“Why did you do this?” I whisper to him, even if I know that he’s just a construct of my imagination and not something real. I’m not going to be able to get any answers from him here, but I ask anyway. “Why do you have to pick that lifestyle over me? Why is money more important than us and our family?” I mean, he has to be doing this for money, doesn’t he? “Why am I not enough for you? Why can’t you just love me?” I have never felt so pathetic in my life. “I just want to ask you what’s wrong with me, Taylor. I want to know why I’m not worth it.”
It’s killing me that I’m not enough, that I can’t make him love me. I have given everything to him, I offered myself and my whole life to him, and it still wasn’t enough. Because I’m not someone he deems important enough to put first.
Never mind me looking for someone else when I’m ready, if I’m ever ready, what about the fact that no one will want me? Maggie hasn’t factored that into the equation. If I am this unlovable, then how will anyone else ever fall for me? I must be destined to be alone. To be one of those people who lives by themselves forever. I suppose that is better than constantly worrying and being misled and lied to for the rest of my life. That wouldn’t be much fun for me either. I guess there is no good solution here.
24
Taylor
December 29th
Ring, ring... Ring, ring... Ring, ring...
I’ve barely slept all night long but must have drifted off at some point because it’s my cell phone that shakes me awake.
“He... hello,” I stammer as I grab my cell phone and hit the answer button without even looking at the screen to see who it is. I’m hoping that it’s Rebecca wanting to finally talk things through. But unfortunately, it isn’t.
“Taylor, is that you?”
I jump up straight in bed as I hear the seriousness in the male voice on the other end of the line.
“Yes, it is. Who’s this?”
“It’s Officer Lee... Michael, we went to high school together, I don’t know if you remember?”
“Oh, Michael.” of course I remember him. We weren’t the best of friends back then, but we did run in similar circles. I also know him from my time in jail, but he’s being kind enough not to mention that. “Of course, how are you?”
“I’m good thank you, but unfortunately, I’m not calling you for small talk. I’m calling you in a professional capacity, so I think it’s best if we just get down to it, if that’s okay with you.”
“Oh... right...” I don’t know what to say to that. “Professional capacity? What do you mean by that?”
As he is a police officer and I have already had dealings with the law, I know what professional capacity means, and it isn’t something I want.
“I have had a report recently about some of your business dealings...”
My heart stops beating. It’s like déjà vu in the worst possible way. I shouldn’t feel that way because my business dealings are all legal now, but I still can’t stop myself from going back to that place. My heart thunders, I can’t breathe, my knees knock together in fear.
“I’ve looked into it, and obviously as I’m sure you already know, we found nothing. You are completely legit as far as I can see. But unfortunately, I need to schedule a meeting with you to complete this investigation.”
How am I here again? How has this happened? I nearly fall to the ground in shock.
“Is there any time which is better for you, or any day?” Michael asks.
“You can come now.” I know it will look suspicious if I leave it any longer, and I don’t have anything to hide. “I’m not doing anything right now. Let’s get this cleared up as soon as possible. I don’t want it hanging over me when I have nothing to hide.”
“Of course, I completely understand. I will be around within the next hour. I am sorry about this, Taylor, I know that it sucks. I don’t really want to have to be doing this, but it’s protocol.”
“Of course. It isn’t your fault. You come and we’ll get this done.”
By the time I hang up the phone, I don’t know what the hell to think. It’s almost like I’m dreaming, like I’m living in a damn nightmare, but I’m definitely awake. Awake and about to face another terrible police investigation which is completely unnecessary. I haven’t done anything wrong this time around.
“What the hell?” I rake my fingers through my hair. “Why is this happening to me?”
It’s almost like I’m cursed, like I did a bad thing in the past and I can’t get past it no matter what I try. It just keeps coming back to haunt me.
Now I’m going to have to face my friend, a police officer, with a crime I didn’t commit. He’s going to be judging me, even if he said that he believes me. How can he not?
Someone must have done this to me, this hasn’t just come from nothing. Last time I got found out because someone else got caught and sold me out. It only took a look at my business transactions to realize that something was going on. It all went downhill from there. So, it has to be that again, doesn’t it? It has to be someone giving my name to the police. But who? Who would do that? Who would hate me enough to put me through that?
“I’m doing something wrong, clearly, to have that done to me. First the computer failu
re, and now this...”
All of a sudden it hits me that the two instances could be related. I haven’t ever experienced a cyber-attack from a rival before, but I know it happens.
“Shit.” what if something has been planted? What if someone is about to set me up? I could end up in jail because of someone else, and I have a track record, that will work against me won’t it? “Oh my God.”
I start pacing the room, regretting asking Michael to come over here. Much as it makes me look innocent, which I am, it hasn’t given me a moment to wrap my head around things. I could really use some time to sort out my thoughts, work out why this is happening and how to show that I am being honest. Like I was trying to express to Rebecca, it’s easier to prove if there is something than if there is nothing. How do I prove that I haven’t done something? It’s insane. Now I’m going to have to try and do that with Michael.
“My paperwork.” That’s what took me down last time, that’s what can save me this time. Sure, I can’t show what I haven’t done, but I can give everything to Michael and hope that he sees the truth underneath it all. “Yes, I need to get it out. All of it.”
I practically run in to my office and start pulling out my paperwork. It’s all very organized, because that has been part of my plan to make sure my business is successful the second time around, which is great. But it does means that I have a lot.
“Oh my God, this is going to drive Michael insane. He’s going to hate this.”
I haven’t even noticed yet that I’m not dressed. It’s escaped my mind that the phone call from Michael dragged me from my bed. I’m too involved with all of my papers to even think about that.
“Where are the papers about the Furnham account?” I ask myself in a hurried angry whisper. “They are always in that drawer. Always. What the hell?”
I check everything that I’ve already got out to make sure that I haven’t put it all in one of the other piles while I’ve been hurrying, but I can’t seem to find it. It’s one of my biggest accounts, and involves a lot of money, so it’s going to be one of my most important pieces to show Michael, but it’s gone. It’s nowhere to be found.