by William Poe
What bullshit!
“Working on the court case, you saw the church at its worst,” Norman said. “Don’t give up your eternal life because you found imperfections. You aren’t alone in questioning the direction the family has taken. I want you to know, there have been positive developments.”
“The developments I’ve heard about make it sound like the family is anything but united.”
“I’m hoping that will change—that ours will be a single United Community.”
Norman had used the name of the new corporation.
“To whom are you loyal, Norman?”
“Only to God, Simon. Father will be in prison soon, and during that time, we need to unite.”
“Some unity. Didn’t you work with Maury to start a new church?”
Norman sighed, disturbed that our meeting had deteriorated into argument. “Masako may come to join our center. Did you know that?”
“She hasn’t said anything to me.”
“She loves you, Simon. You’re lucky to have such an understanding wife.”
“What does she need to understand, Norman?” I didn’t want to admit to anything he didn’t know already.
“You’ve truly found your soul mate in Masako. Satan tries to destroy perfect unions, but her love for you will prevail.”
My emotions swung wildly. One moment, I longed to fall into Norman’s forgiving embrace and rush into the arms of Masako; in the next, I wanted to flee to Lyle and the little bungalow.
Just then, the members stopped singing.
“Do you want to join us?” Norman asked, opening the door and inviting me inside.
I felt a karate chop to the Adam’s apple.
“Come in,” Norman welcomed, placing his hand on my back. “You’ll recognize some of the members. It’s a new age, Simon. You’ll be surprised at some of the blessed couples who are with us.”
The “secret ceremony” that Scott had mentioned crossed my mind.
Norman escorted me into a room filled with about thirty members, all sitting cross-legged on a carpeted floor. The first thing that struck me was the sight of brothers and sisters sitting next to each other, many of them arm in arm. Gatherings were always supposed to be segregated by sex. A sister from my first Chicago team was there. And I spotted Sharon, who had confided in me at the workshop that ended in Martin’s death. I vaguely recognized a few couples who had been near me in the procession line at the Madison Square Garden ceremony. The arm-in-arm couples consisted of men and women—save for one. The sight of that pair weakened my knees and challenged my grip on sanity.
David smiled when he recognized me. In his excitement, he leaned over and kissed Bruce.
Norman caught me before I totally collapsed.
“I knew it would be a shock,” he said lightheartedly, “but I didn’t think it would literally bowl you over.”
“I need to get out of here,” I said, struggling to break free of his grip.
Norman held my arm more firmly. “Let’s talk, Simon. A lot of things have changed.”
I wrestled free and shot through the kitchen. Klara screamed as I bumped into her during my haste. Once outside, I stopped to regain my composure. My legs felt wobbly. I leaned on a van parked in the driveway. Norman rushed toward me.
“Stay away!” I shouted. “I mean it. Keep away.”
Norman stopped in his tracks.
“What is this?” I shouted. “Why are David and Bruce acting like lovers?”
In an instant, I had reverted to my role as Commander Powell, guardian of orthodoxy, Mitsui’s minion in securing the ranks of church membership to include only the worthy—and heterosexual. This was the character who stayed put when Mitsui said he could join Norman’s center after Martin’s death. The transgressor who had been living with Lyle, who had devolved into drug dealing and untold debaucheries—that was a different person.
“I’m sorry to shock you, Simon. I thought you’d be happy to see such acceptance memorialized by our United Community. I thought you would understand.”
“What’s to understand?” I shouted. “I should have asked forgiveness when I sinned, but instead, I ran. This is the result. I am forced to witness the defeat of Father’s Unification Church. Satan has won, and I am to blame.”
If only horns would grow from Norman’s head, anything to confirm that I was right. But Norman calmly waited for me to settle down.
“Are you the same man who lectured the new members in Hattiesburg?” I challenged. “The one who taught the MFT workshop? The person who told me about the devious ways that Satan operates?”
“Give me a chance to explain,” Norman pleaded. “God has revealed so much.”
“How can you talk about God? There’s a homosexual couple in there acting like man and wife. It’s sickening!”
The basis of my self-loathing stared me in the face. A deep part of me still believed the Divine Principle.
“Damn you!” I shouted at Norman. “Damn you to hell!”
Norman sat on the grass and motioned for me to join him. “Come and sit beside me,” he said. “Give me sixty seconds. I see the depths of your faith, Simon, and I realize how much pain your lack of understanding has caused you. Nothing prevents you from being with us. David forgives you. Masako forgives you. I have never doubted your commitment.”
“Give it your best shot, Norman. But in sixty seconds, I’m leaving for good.”
“Do you remember how my attitude toward homosexuality changed after Martin’s death?”
“I’ll never forget anything about that day.”
“When I returned to Pasadena, I prayed for an answer. I wanted to understand how Martin could feel so incapable of changing, how he came to see death as his only option.”
“Go on, forty seconds.”
“You recall that I sent two brothers back to San Francisco on the first night of the workshop because I saw them kissing. I asked God to explain that kind of love to me. I went to Korea to pray on the holiest ground in Seoul. God spoke to me directly.”
“Twenty seconds, Norman. I mean it. I’m out of here.”
“Father received only part of the revelation, Simon. There is more to the Divine Principle. Over generations, humanity lost the ability to love. Sometimes we need the love of our own sex in order to heal.”
“You’ve got five seconds to tell me why I shouldn’t flee this unholy place. I sense the devil in what you’re saying.”
“Satan doesn’t want us to know the Truth. Not everyone is ready for Father’s blessing. First, we must heal ourselves. That might take falling in love with a member of our own sex. The final marriage between a man and woman may need to wait for the spirit world. In this life, love can unite couples such as David and Bruce.”
“What are you saying, Norman?”
Norman smiled warmly. “That gay marriage is a gift from God.”
“Do you remember when my sister’s husband heard the conclusion lecture?” I asked. “Derek and my sister prayed the way you did, at the holy ground in Little Rock. Their revelation told them that Father was the anti-Christ. That is the kind of revelation you get when your prayers challenge God. They are answered by Satan. You’ve become the worst kind of heretic, Norman.”
“David and Bruce love each other,” Norman reaffirmed. “They will love each other as a couple until they die. After that, they will find the ability to love a woman and then become like God, uniting male and female. God is a god of love. Satan propagates hate and division. Look into your heart, Simon. You’ll know that what I say is true.”
“If there was a grain of truth in your words, Norman, why would Father have married me to a woman? If he is the Messiah, wouldn’t he know that I needed ‘healing,’ as you say?”
“I don’t know why you feel attracted to men. Come inside. Pray with us. Talk to your spiritual son, Bruce. He arrived on David’s fundraising team for a reason. It was no coincidence. God will reveal your future if you humbly ask. It cannot be an accident that Fath
er blessed you with Masako. God believes you are ready to love her and start a family. Your prayers will be answered. I’m sure of it.”
“I can’t go inside with you just yet,” I said. “What you are telling me is huge. I need a moment to consider it.”
“Take all the time you need, Simon. I’ll speak to the others. All is forgiven, Simon. We love you.”
“Thank you, Norman. Really.”
Norman stood to go back into the center.
When he shut the door, I fled down the street as fast as my feet would take me.
That such deep-rooted beliefs still resided in my heart troubled me deeply. Once again, I had fallen prey to that most damaging of ideas, the one that made me lose sight of the fact that I was part of the natural world, one substance with the animal kingdom. If I was a cosmic creature, it was due to the fact that my existence depended on the afterglow of stardust expelled by distant galaxies billions of years ago. That was the true mystery, the wondrous miracle I should have been contemplating.
What to do next? I could return to Lyle and keep dealing cocaine, but what kind of future was that? Scott and Sandra were my only friends. Other than them, I had customers such as Wayne and Giorgio, and the barflies at the Spotlight. Twiggy the bartender would certainly want me to stay. I supposed that Maury’s offer to take a loan and go to school remained on the table, but could I truly sever my ties with the church if I stayed connected to his firm?
The alternative was to go back to where it had all started. Though the hand of God had not stopped me from sacrificing my Isaac, I could start painting again. I was young, with plenty of time to pursue a career in art. All I needed was an education and a chance to work.
I drove to the rental company, parked the Mustang, and dropped the keys in the after-hours slot on the door. Then I hailed a taxi.
“Take me to the airport,” I told the driver.
As we cruised down the freeway, I dug through my travel bag to find the vial of coke I had siphoned off the stash delivered to Wayne earlier in the evening. It wasn’t there. A momentary feeling of panic struck me, and I asked the driver to take me back. I’d see Sandra one more time and get a supply to take to Arkansas. But, as quickly, I told the driver I had changed my mind, to continue on to the airport.
Arriving at the terminal, I gave my bags to the skycap and purchased a ticket to Little Rock.
I needed to call Vivian and make an excuse for my arrival, but I was sure that she’d accept any reason I gave. What were Lenny’s last words in New York? Get your butt on back to Arkansas.
I laughed as I dialed the number.
Vivian answered. “Hello, hun,” she said wearily. “Where are you calling from?”
“I’m in Los Angeles.”
“We heard about the earthquake out there. Are you all right?”
Tears formed as I listened to her long-suffering voice. I could almost feel Vivian’s fingers running along the contours of my ear the way she used to do as I rested my head in her lap during church service.
“I need to ask you something,” I said, my voice cracking. “If I leave the church, can I come home? At least until I decide what to do?”
“This will always be your home,” Vivian said, barely able to contain her joy. “Is Masako coming with you? She’s welcome, of course.”
“Masako is in New York, working at a job. We’ll have to figure out what to do.”
I knew Vivian would understand that a person couldn’t simply walk away from a job.
“Is everything okay, son? Your voice doesn’t sound right.”
The emotions of the day had nearly defeated me. I couldn’t imagine what I sounded like. “I’m okay,” I said. “It’s just that leaving the group after so many years isn’t easy.”
“Let me put your father on. You don’t mind, do you?”
“I don’t mind.”
Vivian’s preparatory words to Lenny were easy to make out: Simon’s trying to get out. He’s at the airport out there in California. He wants to come home. Do you think he should?
I wondered why Vivian would put it that way. Then Lenny took the phone.
“Bubby, get your ass on a plane.” He sounded short of breath. “What do you want me to say if those yahoos call us? You know they will.”
“Just say you don’t know where I am. That’s all. And Lenny…”
“What, son?”
“Whatever you might hear, consider the source.”
“Don’t worry about that, Bubby. If anyone shows up at the door, they’ll be sorry they did. I’ll hang them from that old tree out there in the front yard.”
Lenny would do it, too. Though I might have blasted away those deprogrammers’ tires, Lenny never would have been so considerate as to merely disable their vehicle.
I landed in Little Rock on the last flight of the day. Connie and Derek met me at the gate. Their faces shone as if my leaving the church was a personal victory, an answer to their prayers.
Connie was beside herself. “Oh, Simon, I’m so proud of you.” She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed. “You can go to church with us Sunday if you want to.”
“Connie,” I said, lifting her arms from my shoulders, “I left the Unification Church. That doesn’t mean I’m a Christian.”
“What are you, then?” She glared.
“Let’s just leave it at being my own business what I believe.”
“Well, my prayers have been answered, anyway.”
“That’s right, Connie, I left the church because God heard your prayers. Whatever.”
“What do you mean?” Connie raised her heavily made-up eyes and looked at Derek to see if he knew what I meant.
Derek came forward. “We’re just glad you made it out,” he said. “You’ll understand the Lord’s will in due course.”
What had I been thinking? There were good reasons why I had first joined the Unification Church. I wanted to get on a plane and head back to Lyle.
Happily, Connie and Derek remained quiet on the drive to Sibley. As we entered the mansion, I was greeted by the aroma of black-eyed peas simmering on the stove and the rich smell of a pork roast cooking in the oven—preparations for a late-night meal in honor of my return home.
Then an unpleasant odor struck my nose. Lenny had never stopped smoking. Vivian had once told me that quitting for him meant switching from Lucky Strikes to Kent Ultra Lights.
“Some damn fool from that group called not ten minutes ago,” Lenny said, coming slowly from the den. “Damn fool says you took a hundred thousand dollars that didn’t belong to you. I told the bastard I hoped you still had it so we could fix the roof.”
Lenny—always my defender when honor was at stake. It seemed only yesterday he had fended off calls from neighbors accusing me of being a Communist.
It had been a long detour to arrive where I started, back home in Sibley.
✽ ✽ ✽
Harris read the last few pages while I sat in his office during our afternoon session. “You’ve come a long way,” he said. “Do you see, now, why you are here?”
“Things are clearer,” I said. “I’ve got a lot to ponder.”
Harris looked at me intently. “I think it would be appropriate to say a version of the First Step at this point.”
Was he going to start an Alcoholics Anonymous program now, after weeks of touting Gestalt psychology?
“Repeat after me,” Harris said. “I am powerless over Reverend Moon, and my life has become unmanageable.”
I burst out laughing. “You’re right! Until you got me to write about it, I didn’t realize to what a huge degree he had made my life unmanageable. For seven years, I have felt guilty about leaving the church! My first victory was to defeat the insidious messiah that took refuge in the recesses of my heart. Religious conviction is intoxicating. Leaving it behind tore me to shreds.”
“Stop punishing yourself because you left the church, Simon. And don’t beat yourself up because you think Lenny would have hated you if he had
discovered you were gay. You may have wanted him to love you—no matter what—but it’s more important that you love yourself.”
“You mean, because no god out there sent a lightning bolt to strike me down and no father came to forgive me that I condemned myself through addictive drugs and meaningless sex?”
“That’s certainly one explanation for what you’ve been doing.”
“No magic pill is going to make my problems go away, is it?”
“You tried that, Simon. It didn’t work. Finding one’s inner self—that child within, as some people call it—is hard work. But it’s worth the effort.”
I heard Mandy’s voice: Bubby, Bubby. I had been so terrified of her love, but now I missed her terribly. I wanted to be loved.
“You’re lucky to have Thad,” Harris added. “He has gone through his own hell. He’s devoted to you. The two of you understand each other.”
“You’ve no idea what hell Thad and I went through in Los Angeles. I even tried to kill him. It was ridiculous, the result of a drug-induced rage. But still, I might have gone through with it.”
“I know something about it from what Thad has told me,” Harris said. “He truly loves you Simon. And Vivian will never turn away from you.” Harris began filing my papers in his desk. “I’d say you are almost complete.”
I was beginning to believe I could accept myself, warts and all.
“You can,” Harris said, reading my thoughts. “Accept yourself, Simon Powell. You are a gay man who is much loved.”
My release from Riverdell was fast approaching and I was about to begin a new chapter of my life. This time, I would not be alone, and I was equipped with a deeper understanding of myself. Harris’s suggestion that I write about my past had helped, and I would continue writing. Life in the church had been traumatizing, but the years of drug abuse, constantly destroying everything good that happened to me, facing up to a marriage I should never have entered into, how badly I dealt with Lenny’s death—those years I had yet to explore.
A week later, I walked through the front door of Riverdell, free to pursue the possibilities of my life. Thad helped me with the few belongings I had, and when I went to the car, Connie and Derek were there with Vivian. They greeted me with the acceptance I hoped to continue feeling for myself. I knew it wouldn’t be easy.