by Edward Albee
MAN
(Shakes his head; smiles, applauds) Very good! Really, very good! (Out) Wasn’t that good? Didn’t she do that well? Come on, give her a hand! (Encourages, leads audience applause. She curtsies. If there is none, he dismisses audience with a wave of his hand.) Good. Really very good. (To BOY and GIRL) Didn’t you think so? (Before they can reply: a sudden shift to very businesslike; in) O.K. Let’s get on with it. (To BOY and GIRL; calling) Will you two come over here, please?
BOY
(Flat) What?
GIRL
(Flat) What? What is it?
MAN
Did you like our little performance? Our intermezzo a due? (Before they can answer) Ah! But where’s baby-poo?
GIRL
(Flat) Asleep; all fed.
BOY
(Licks lips) I got dessert.
WOMAN
(False hearty) Oh, you have a baby!
BOY
Yes.
WOMAN
What kind?
BOY
(Eyeing her) A small one.
WOMAN
Aha. (Exits left; false stealth)
BOY
(To MAN) What do you want?
MAN
(Cheerless smile) What do we want. Well, I would imagine we want what almost everybody wants—eternal life, in great health, no older than we are when we want it; easy money, with enough self-deception to make us feel we’ve earned it, are worthy people; a government that lets us do whatever we want, serves our private interests and lets us feel we’re doing all we can for … how do they call it—the less fortunate?; a bigger dick, a more muscular vagina; a baby, perhaps?
BOY
No, no. (Articulated) What do you want?
MAN
Hm?
BOY
Here; what do you want here?
MAN
(Helpless gesture; false) I’m not sure that I …
BOY
You’re here.
MAN
(Grudging) Yes.
BOY
That … woman is here—is with you.
MAN
Everything being relative …
BOY
Yes.
GIRL
(Suspicious) Where is she? Where’s she gone!? (WOMAN reenters, from stage right, very casually, an “O.K.” finger gesture to MAN, a broad wink to him.) Oh, there she is.
MAN
(To BOY) We are both here; yes.
BOY
(Level) Why?
MAN
Hm?
BOY
(Still level, if harder) Why are you here? What do you want?
MAN
(Cheerless smile) What do we want. Well, it’s really very simple. We’ve come to take the baby.
(Silence)
BOY
What do you mean!?
MAN
(Flat) We’ve come to take the baby.
(Shorter silence)
GIRL
(A look of panic) What do you mean “you’ve come to take …” Oh, my God! (Suddenly exits, left)
BOY
(Eyes on MAN; steely) I don’t understand you.
WOMAN
He doesn’t understand you; be clearer.
MAN
(To WOMAN) I thought I was being clear. (To BOY) What is it you don’t understand? The noun “baby”? The verb “take”?
WOMAN
You’re not being nice.
MAN
You told me to be clear—clearer.
WOMAN
They’re not mutually exclusive.
MAN
(Heavy sigh) All right. (To BOY) The baby. The baby?
BOY
(Very innocent) Yes?
MAN
(Demonstrates) We’ve come to take it.
BOY
I don’t …
MAN
(Very explicit) A-way; a-way.
GIRL
(Re-enters from left; hysterical) WHERE’S THE BABY?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE BABY?!
(Silence)
MAN
What baby?
(Silence)
WOMAN
Yes; what baby?
(Tableau)
END OF ACT ONE
Act Two
(No one on stage; otherwise everything as it was at the end of Act One)
MAN
(Enters, waves a little to audience. To someone) Is this where I was at the end of one—Act One? Right about here? (Takes exact position as of the end of Act One. Generally; out) Yes? Good. (To stragglers) Hurry back in, now; you don’t want to miss the exposition. Well, maybe you do. (Irritated complaint) “Honestly! You’d think they’d have it in the first act!” (Thinks about it) No; you couldn’t possibly. Well, let me tell you: intermissions are never long enough, are they. Did you enjoy yourselves while you were out for your cigarettes, or whatever? (Wrinkles his nose, etc.) Don’t smoke; bad for you. Half a million die of it every year. In this country alone, subsidized murder. Not you, of course—someone you know. So; you had your cigarette, or your drink—not quite so bad, one or two a day good for the old heart, they say. Or your coffee. (Harpy; shrill) KEEP AWAKE! KEEP AWAKE! Or merely … stretching your legs, having a pee. (Annoyed woman imitation) “You’d think they’d build the ladies’ restrooms bigger; after all these years you’d think they’d have noticed the lines! Honestly!” Or maybe just a phone call? Or a talk with friends—or strangers. Whatever. (Shift of tone) I must tell you something here: I have a troubling sense of what should be—rather than what is. It chokes me up at simpleminded movies—where good things happen to good people? My throat clots, and I think I’m going to cry. Because I know it can never happen in what they call “real life”? Good things to good people and happy endings? That it’s all … fantasy? Is that what allows me to believe? To weep in relief? If I saw it really happening—all good things to all good people?—would I turn away in horror? Yes, probably: because it could all … stop, could go away, be a single instant of glory, desperately cruel. We can’t take glory because it shows us the abyss. That is why we cry at movies—because it’s safe to; it’s all so … beautifully false. But I have, as I say, this sense of what should be rather than what is. And I file it away; file it away under “unwanted on the voyage, dangerous cargo,” for I know it does not apply? Because it is an impediment to … what do they say? … to “getting through it all”? (Smiles grimly; demonstrates shuddering) It’s troubling, though, I tell you. As … (gestures) … as in, well … here; now; all this. Troubling, but I’ll get through it. (Snaps fingers) O.K.!! So, where did we leave off? “We’ve come to take the baby.” “I don’t understand.” “What baby?” etc. That was it … casual—more or less—straightforward, but casual. “We’ve come to take the baby.” Remember it? Good. We’ll see if they let us take the baby from them. (In) Where were we all? (Off) Will you come back in now? (BOY and GIRL re-enter from left, WOMAN from right; they take positions identical to their positions on MAN’s “O.K. Let’s get on with it”) Fine. (To BOY and GIRL) Now you two say “What?” “What is it?” You first, then her, flat, flat, both of you. Say it! “What?” “What is it?” (Pause) Say it, for God’s sake!
BOY
(Flat) What?
GIRL
(Flat) What? What is it?
MAN
(Approving) That’s right; that’s it. (False hearty) Good to see you! But where’s “the little one”?
GIRL
(Flat) Asleep; all fed.
BOY
(Licks lips) I got dessert.
WOMAN
(Quiet aside to MAN) Oh, I get it. (To GIRL; false hearty) Oh, you have a baby!
GIRL
Yes.
WOMAN
What kind?
GIRL
(Eyeing her) A small one.
WOMAN
Aha. (Quick aside to MAN) Is this where I … (answering her own question) … yes; yes, it is. (To GIRL) Aha! (Exits left; false stealth)
BO
Y
(To MAN) What do you want?
MAN
(Sotto voce aside to audience) I love this speech. (To BOY; cheerless smile) What do we want. Well, I would imagine we want what almost everybody wants—eternal life, in great health, no older than we are when we want it; easy money, with enough self-deception to make us feel we’ve earned it, are worthy people; a government that lets us do whatever we want, serves our private interests and lets us feel we’re doing all we can for … how do they call it—the less fortunate?; a bigger dick, a more muscular vagina; a baby, perhaps?
BOY
No, no. (Articulated) What do you want?
MAN
Hm?
BOY
Here; what do you want here?
MAN
(Helpless gesture; false) I’m not sure that I …
BOY
You’re here.
MAN
(Grudging) Yes.
BOY
That … woman is here—is with you.
MAN
Everything being relative …
BOY
Yes.
GIRL
(Suspicious) Where is she? Where’s she gone!? (WOMAN reenters, from stage right, very casually, an O.K. finger gesture to MAN, with a broad wink) Oh, there she is.
MAN
(To BOY) We are both here; yes.
BOY
(Level) Why?
MAN
Hm?
BOY
(Still level, if harder) Why are you here? What do you want?
MAN
(Cheerless smile) What do we want. Well, it’s really very simple. We’ve come to take the baby.
(Silence)
BOY
What do you mean?
MAN
(Flat) We’ve come to take the baby.
(Shorter silence)
GIRL
(A look of panic) What do you mean “you’ve come to take …” Oh, my God!! (Suddenly exits, left)
BOY
(Eyes on MAN: steely) I don’t understand you. (Brief awareness of GIRL’s action)
WOMAN
He doesn’t understand you; be clearer.
MAN
(To WOMAN) I thought I was being clear. (To BOY) What is it you don’t understand? The noun “baby”? The verb “take”?
WOMAN
You’re not being nice.
MAN
You told me to be clear—clearer.
WOMAN
They’re not mutually exclusive.
MAN
(Heavy sigh) All right. (To BOY) The baby. The baby?
BOY
(Very innocent) Yes?
MAN
(Demonstrates) We’ve come to take it.
BOY
I don’t …
MAN
(Very explicit; impatient) A-way; a-way.
GIRL
(Re-enters from left; hysterical) WHERE’S THE BABY??!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE BABY??!!
(Silence)
MAN
What baby?
(Silence)
WOMAN
Yes; what baby?
MAN
(Out, then in) There we are! Here we go!
GIRL
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BABY??!!
BOY
(Gathering energy; clearly about to lunge) Look, you motherfucker, what have you done to …
MAN
(A stopping hand up; very loud) STOP!! (BOY freezes)
GIRL
(Sobbing) What have you done with my baby?
MAN
(Loud) BOTH OF YOU!! NOW JUST STOP!!
(GIRL whimpers, sobs, but stays still; BOY puts his arm around her, never taking his eyes off MAN)
WOMAN
(Distaste) Such a performance! You’d think somebody was hurting somebody—or something!
MAN
(Keeping his eyes on BOY; casual tone) Wouldn’t you?
WOMAN
You’d think something was amiss, as they say.
MAN
(Ibid) Wouldn’t you?
GIRL
(Weepy) I want my baby.
MAN
Everyone wants his baby.
WOMAN
Her baby.
MAN
(Shrugs) Whatever. (To WOMAN; points at GIRL: innocence) Her baby? Everyone wants her baby?
WOMAN
(Chuckles) No, no; generics again.
BOY
(About to get up, move toward MAN) Okay. I’ve had enough of this now! What the fuck have you done with …
MAN
(Hand up) Hold!
BOY
(Beginning to move) I will not “hold,” whatever that means.
WOMAN
(Helpful) It’s Elizabethan.
BOY
(Confused) It’s … it’s what?!
MAN
ELIZABETHAN!! Now go sit down. If you care about this baby you behave yourself, yourselves. (Demonstrates) If there are two hands—see? two hands?—if there are two hands, we have the upper one. If you have ever had a baby—
BOY
If?
MAN
… if that is mother’s milk you’ve been feeding on, and if you wish to see your real or imagined baby again—ever!—
BOY
Real? Or …
MAN
… if you are wiser than your years, be good.
(BOY does so)
WOMAN
(To MAN) You have a way with children.
MAN
As it was with my own.
WOMAN
Oh? You have children?
MAN
Certainly; I have six.
WOMAN
Really!
MAN
Yes: two black, two white, one green, and the other … well, I’m not certain, or I’ve lost track, or whatever.
BOY
(Quietly) Bullshit.
WOMAN
(Ignoring BOY) Two black?
MAN
Yes.
WOMAN
Half black, half white, what in the bad old days they used to call mulatto?
MAN
No; all black.
WOMAN
But …
MAN
This was when I was black.
WOMAN
Aha. Was this before you were white? Before …
MAN
No; it shifted: two white, one black, one green, et cetera.
WOMAN
I see; I see.
GIRL
(To MAN) You have no children.
MAN
Well, that may be, or may have been, or … whatever.
WOMAN
(To GIRL) Why do you say that?
GIRL
(To WOMAN) Nor do you.
WOMAN
Oh?
GIRL
No one who has children …
MAN
Had!
GIRL
(Onward) … would treat us like this—anyone like this.
BOY
She’s right, you know. (Pause) Had?
MAN
(Playful) Well, having had doesn’t mean one has. (Pause) Does it?
WOMAN
One green?
MAN
Yes. (Out) Does this need explaining?
WOMAN
When you were green?
MAN
(Back in; thinks a moment) Well, when someone was.
WOMAN
Half green then.
GIRL
(Soft, gentle pleading) Please? (BOY quietly shushes her)
MAN
(Considers it) Mmmmm … light green. (To BOY and GIRL) So, I want you to understand I know about children, about who has them … and who does not; how large they may be, how many legs they have—if they have the number they are supposed to, where they come out of—the length of the small intestine in a two-week-old …
WOMAN
How long?
MAN
&n
bsp; Eleven and three-quarter inches. The color of loss, the names most commonly not used … all the things essential. You don’t fool with me. Fool yourselves, fool each other, but don’t try it with me. I’ve touched the golden dick. Have you? (To BOY, specifically) Have you? Have you? You there?
BOY
(Preoccupied) Have I what?
MAN
Touched the golden dick.
BOY
I don’t know what you’re talking about, mister. (Suddenly loud) Where’s our baby!!??
MAN/WOMAN
(Softly singing) Yes, Sir, where’s our baby? No, Sir, we don’t mean maybe. Yes, Sir, where’s our baby now?
MAN
(Speaking again) Too bad about the dick—the golden dick.
(As BOY prepares to lunge) I’d be careful if I were you!
(BOY lunges; Man flips him on his back on the floor with a judo move; pins BOY’s neck under his foot)
MAN
I said I’d be careful if I were you! (To GIRL) Are you going to try something, too? (GIRL sobs, shakes her head) Good; the lady here is adept at things as well.
WOMAN
I am.
MAN
Everyone’s adept at something. (To pinned BOY) Will you be good?
BOY
Yes.
MAN
Good. (BOY gets up, not easily) Go to your chair. (BOY does; GIRL moves to comfort him) Good. Touching. (To WOMAN) Goodness, I’m saying “good” a lot, aren’t I?
WOMAN
(Shrugs) It sounds right.
MAN
Good! (To BOY and GIRL) So! No more shenanigans. (Out) Is that Irish? Shenanigans? (If anyone answers, handle it; in any event, go on with this) I looked it up once in the dictionary and it didn’t say; it said “informal,” which I don’t believe is a genesis. Though maybe it is … the island of informality? The city of shenanigan? I meant to look it up somewhere else, but I … lost interest, I guess. (Back in) In any event, (To BOY and GIRL) no more (very pronounced) she-nan-i-gans. No?
BOY
(Nursing his neck) No.
MAN
No what?
BOY
No more.
MAN
No more what!?
BOY
No more shenanigans.
MAN
Always be precise: saves time, saves paper. Did I hurt you?
BOY
No.
MAN
No wound?
BOY
No.
MAN
(To BOY and GIRL) If you have no wounds, how can you know if you’re alive? If you have no scar, how do you know who you are? Have been?