by Lesley Jones
“If what they have is so fucking special, then what’s this? What was that we were just doing?” she snarled like a rabid fucking dog.
“That, like I said, was the second biggest mistake of his life.” I nodded my head to where Maca was still standing. His shoulders shook as he cried, his jeans and shirt still open.
“See, you’re so inconsequential, sweetheart, that you don’t even take the top spot for fuck ups. If the number one spot didn’t finish them, then you sure as shit won’t. Now move along.”
She stared at me for a few seconds. “Oh,” I added, “if word of this is ever repeated, I’ll know, and I’ll make sure that you never find work in this industry again. Now FUCK.OFF!”
She left. When I looked back at Maca, I noticed the coke lined up on the kitchen work top.
“I wanna kick the living fucking shit outta you right now, but that’ll have my sister asking questions. Do up your jeans and sort yourself the fuck out.”
He did as he was told and turned to look at me.
“What the fuck have I done … what the fuck have I done?” He bent himself in half and threw up all over his kitchen tile.
“Fuck’s sake.” I grabbed him by the arm and marched him upstairs to his bedroom.
“Get yourself showered and sort your shit out. You’re going over to my mum’s, and you’re gonna be the husband that my sister needs. That—what you did down there—will never, ever be talked about again. Are we clear?”
He blinked a few times, but remained silent. I slapped him. I actually slapped him like a little bitch. I wanted to punch his fucking lights out, but that would leave bruises and cause questions, so instead, I cracked him right around the face.
“Are we fucking clear?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Anything you’ve got going on with her ends right now. You will never see her again.”
“There’s not … it wasn’t … she turned up with weed and coke and she was just … there’s nothing going on. Nothing has ever happened since I’ve been back with G, I swear, Marls. Tonight was a mistake, a giant fucking mistake.” He started to cry again. “I’m lonely, so fucking lonely. She won’t let me touch her. I just wanna love my wife. I want us to be able to grieve together and I wanna make her better.” He pulled an ugly face as he sobbed and blew snot bubbles out of his nose, which just made me wanna crack him again.
“Well banging the staff ain’t gonna achieve that, is it, Einstein? Now stop fucking snivelling, grow some balls, get in the shower and go and get your wife back.”
I was shaking from head to toe. The urge to go and hoover the rest of the marching powder up my nose was almost overwhelming, but me and Ash, we had a pact. We only did that shit together nowadays, that way neither of us did anything stupid without the other. Perhaps I should pass that tip on to Maca, the stupid prick.
A week later, Maca and George were sunning themselves in the Caribbean. Things were a little tense between him and me for a while, but we moved on. Yeah, I was pissed off with him, but as a bloke, I sort of got it. It wasn’t right and I should’ve been loyal to my sister, but I’d seen those two apart and I knew that the world didn’t work properly when that happened. Neither of them were perfect, but they were perfect together.
I was just leaving the sports hall at Joe’s school when my mobile phone rang. His football training had been moved inside because of the snow that had fallen on and off all week.
It had hit England early this year. February was usually our coldest month, but today was only the first of December and it was bitter.
“Big brother Lennon.” I pressed the key fob to unlock the car and let Joe in as I answered the call.
“You need to get to the Royal Free as soon as you can.”
My blood stopped pumping and my insides instantly became as cold as the snow under my feet.
“What, why?”
“George and Maca have been in an accident. It’s bad, Marls. Really bad.”
I got in my car and suddenly I was driving along. My phone was on speaker and Len was telling me that Bailey and my parents were on their way. My brain slowed. I couldn’t think. I had to get Joe home. Ash would want to come with me. The girls were at dance. What was I gonna do with Joe? The girls?
“Marls, are you listening to me?”
I was listening, but I didn’t hear a word.
“Dave is on his way to your house. He’ll stay with the kids so that you and Ash can come to the hospital. You need to drive carefully, but you need to hurry. Do you understand what I’m saying, Marls? They might not make it. You need to hurry.”
The traffic and sounds blurred. My heart had stopped and failed to restart properly.
“Dad, what’s wrong?” Joe asked from the back of the car.
Everything.
“Nothing, mate, all good. I just need to get you home. Dave’s gonna come over and play FIFA with you for a bit.”
“Aw, sweet.”
I’m at my house without knowing how I got there. Dave pulled up as I did, Ash already waiting at the front door. I send Joe inside.
“What happened?” I asked anyone that might have an answer.
Ashley looked at Dave, then they both turned and looked at me. Dave shook his head no, and Ashley cried.
I didn’t want this. I didn’t want this to be happening. I wanted to go inside my nice warm house. I wanted Joe to beat me at FIFA. I wanted to see my daughters in their tutu’s, showing me the moves they learnt this week.
“We have to go,” Ash stated. “Can you drive, Marls, or d’ya want me to?” I stared at her in silence for a few seconds. “Marley, we have to go.”
I held my arm out in a sweeping gesture, offering her my car. I don’t know why I did it, I just did. I didn’t even say goodbye to my kids, or Dave. I just got in the car and drove. I wasn’t even sure of the exact location of the hospital, I just knew that it wasn’t far from George and Maca’s house in Hampstead, so I headed in that direction.
The radio was playing Carnage songs. Ashley switched the system to play CDs, and Creeds ‘With Arms Wide Open,’ started to play.
I turned it up loud as Ash reached across to take my hand.
I listened to the words of a song about a man finding out he’s about to become a father.
My sister was due to give birth to a son in four weeks’ time. She was looking the healthiest she’d ever looked in her life. She’d not put on a lot of weight, but she was glowing. Maca was the happiest I’d ever known him to be. They’d been through so much, this was finally their time. They were about to finally have their moment; become parents, become a family, become complete. They’d lived a lifetime together, and yet their lives were only just about to begin.
The song ended and ‘Praise You’ by Fat boy Slim started to play. My car’s CD system had a function that allowed it to choose a track from each of the fifteen CDs that were loaded. I drove, unseeing, just listening to the music and trying my hardest not to think.
The Cardigans, ‘Love Fool’ played and I laughed because it reminded me of Maca—not the words, but the title of the song.
‘Red Alert’ by The Basement Jax was up next and I cranked the sound system louder.
Eminem, ‘Stan.’
Moloko, ‘Sing it Back.’
Armend Van Helden, ‘U Don’t Know Me.’
Oasis, ‘Wonderwall.’
Nirvana, ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit.’
Massive Attack, ‘Unfinished Sympathy.’
Bones Thugs N Harmony, ‘Tha Crossroads.’
There were others, I’m sure. Those though, were the ones that would forever remind me of the silent drive my wife and I made to the hospital.
When we arrived there was chaos; reporters, television crews, photographers, and fans. They were everywhere.
Fuck ‘em all.
I pulled up right outside. “Wait here,” I told Ash.
I walked around to her side and opened my door. Taking her under my arm, I started to walk us inside. I h
ad no idea where I was going, but I needed to get there soon.
“Sir, you can’t leave your car there … Sir.” I turned to see a copper talking to me. I threw him the keys.
“Move it, tow it, keep it, burn it. I don’t fucking care.”
As we walked towards the hospital entrance, I spotted one of the PR people that worked for our label. She was instantly joined by four policemen and a half dozen minders. We were surrounded. I went where they led and when we got there, I saw Len.
We were in a private room when Len told Ash and I to sit down. He was shaking. Not just his hands, but his entire body. He had no colour in his usually olive complexion. His skin looked almost see through.
My eyes wanted to close. My brain wanted to shut down. I wanted to disappear.
“George and Maca were on the pavement outside a baby shop on Brentwood High Street,” he started. “I don’t know the exact details, Milo’s still with the police, but a car came up onto the pavement and hit them.”
He started to cry. I squeezed Ashley’s hand as she started to cry too. I don’t know if I started or if I was already crying. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.
“Marls, it’s not good. It’s so not fucking good.”
“Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God,” Ashley chanted from beside me.
“He’s gone, Marls. Maca’s gone. They’re keeping—” He cried and cried and cried. We all cried. I hurt. Everything hurt. My insides, my outsides, my breath and my soul. It all hurt.
I wanted my babies. I just wanted go home and hold my babies. I wanted to go to my house, hold my wife and kids, and lock out the world.
“They’re keeping Maca alive on life support until George is out of surgery. She has massive internal bleeding. She’s lost the baby. She’s lost the baby and they’re just trying to save her now.”
“No,” It just came out of my mouth. “No, tell them no. Don’t save her. They mustn’t save her, Len. She won’t want that. They need to let her go. They need to be together.”
Before he replied or I said any more, my parents arrived with Bailey and Jim. Everyone was crying. Everyone was hurting but it didn’t change anything. All the tears, all the pain, all the love in the world. None of it changed anything.
When Georgia was brought out of surgery, I volunteered to be the one to tell her what happened. I brought Maca into her life that sunny August day back in 1980, and I’d be the one to take him away on that bitterly cold December day in 2000. Twenty years. They’d lived, laughed, loved and cried more than most do in a lifetime, but they’d only known each other for twenty years.
My mum insisted that we were all there when George woke up, but I should be the one to tell her.
She opened her eyes and looked straight at me. I gave her a chance to get her bearings, remaining silent until she was fully conscious.
“A car hit us, Marls. A fucking car came up on the pavement and hit us.” Tears rolled down the side of her face and into her ears as she spoke. She was hooked up to blood and fluids and had wires on her chest, as well as a blood pressure monitor that kept tightening automatically. The bed she was on was huge, and she looked so tiny.
“Porge—”
“Where’s Sean, Marls? Is he with Beau? Did they have to do a C section? Can they get me a wheelchair so I can see him?” Her jaw and lip trembled. She knew … she must know.
“Porge, they had to operate.”
“To get Beau out?”
“Yes, Porge. They had to operate to get Beau out, but he didn’t make it, baby girl. He didn’t make it.”
She let out a sob. It came from her throat, her chest, her DNA. It came from every part of her being and it echoed through every part of me.
All I could hear around us were tears; tears rolling down cheeks, tears being held back, tears that would never stop.
“Where is he, Marls? Is Sean with him?”
“No, no, no.” I knew that was my mum without even looking around.
“It’s okay, Mum. Sean’ll keep him warm till I see him. We’ll get through this. There’ll be more babies.”
I heard the door to the room open and close and I assumed that it was all too much for my mum. Instead, a nurse and a doctor approached the bed, the nurse took Georgia’s hand.
“Mrs McCarthy, are you aware of what’s happened with your baby? Has everything been explained to you?” The doctor asked.
The nurse let go of her hand and put a tissue in it. George wiped her nose and nodded at the doctor.
“Very good. Well, we have a policy at this hospital of giving the parents time to grieve and the opportunity to spend time with their child. Is that something you would like to do?”
She nodded. “Yes. Yes, I’d like to see him.”
“Well, we’ll get that arranged for you then.”
The nurse and Doctor leave and we’re all left to destroy what’s left of Georgia’s heart.
“Where’s Sean, Marls? Is he okay?”
I can’t lie to her. She’s my little sister, it’s been my job for most of my life to protect her, but I can’t save her from this. I can’t even soften the blow.
I can’t get my words out and when she noticed me struggling, she knew.
“Marls… no, Marls, no, no. Don’t make it bad. Please don’t make it bad. Daddy!” She looked over my shoulder to where my dad was standing. “Tell him, Daddy, tell him… please.”
“He hit his head, George. He hit his head really bad. He’s never gonna recover from it. They’ve got a machine breathing for him, but he’s never gonna wake up.”
I expected crying and sobbing. What I didn’t expect was silence and the vice-like grip she had on my hand. The door to the room opened and the nurse walked in, carrying Beau. My mum collapsed, my dad holding her up the best he could.
My nephew, my best mate’s baby boy was wrapped in a blanket, but I could see his dark hair on the top of his head.
“Can you all leave please? I want to be alone with my son,” George asked.
I wasn’t going anywhere.
“Go, now. Please, everyone.”
The room emptied.
“Marls?” I heard Ash say my name from behind me. I shook my head no.
“I’m not leaving her,” I tell Ash. “I’m not leaving George,” I tell my sister.
Ashley left the room.
Georgia laid her son on the bed in front of her and unwrapped the blanket. He was perfect, and he looked like Maca.
“Oh Marley, why, why? He’s just a little baby. Why him, why not take me?”
“I don’t know, George. I don’t have the answers tonight, I’m sorry.”
I poured water in the bowl that the nurse brought in. I made sure it was warm—not hot, not cold, but warm—the way that babies like it. I grabbed some of the cotton wool that was sitting next to it and took it to my sister. I stood and watched as Georgia washed her son. She asked me to pass her the bag that was sitting on the shelf in her room. Milo had dropped it off earlier, once he’d finished giving his statement to the police.
From the bag, George pulled a nappy, a vest, a babygrow, and a blanket that had guitars over it. She dressed Beau, then wrapped him in the blanket.
I sat on the bed next to her and held her son. I told him all about his Dad and what a great musician he was. I told him, much like I did my own son, how much his Dad and all of us loved him. I tried to think of everything that Maca would say. I tried to make him feel safe and loved.
Sometime later, the nurse that was in earlier, brought a wheelchair in and told us that it was time to take Beau to meet his Dad.
When we got to his room, the rest of our family was there, along with Maca’s parents and half-brother and sister. That pissed me off. He’d seen a bit of his Dad over the years, but not his Mum, and he’d only ever met his brother and sister a few times.
Bailey and Len lift George onto Maca’s bed. It’s the most heartbreaking sight I’d ever witnessed.
George moved Maca’s arm so tha
t it was around her and she undid the blanket a little and introduced Beau to his Daddy.
“Look what we made, Sean. Just look at how perfect he is. He looks so much like you. Just look at all that hair, all curly, just like yours used to be.”
She wiped the tears from under her eyes. “They’re not letting me keep him though Sean. They’re taking both of you away from me. He has to go to heaven and they’ve decided that you need to go to heaven with him so that he doesn’t get scared and lonely.”
She kisses Beau, then she puts him to Maca’s lips so that they press against his son’s head. Then she kisses Maca.
“I love you both, my beautiful boys. I love you both so much and I’ll see you very soon.”
She closed her eyes with her husband’s arm around her, their son held in her arms.
Maca’s life support was switched off and he passed away quietly at 11.43pm.
Georgia had to be sedated before the nurses could take Beau from her arms or remove her from Maca’s bed.
Georgia was kept sedated for a further forty-eight hours and was evaluated by a psych team before she was allowed home to my parents’ place five days after her surgery.
Life for the rest of us was hard. We were all in shock, all grieving for Maca, for Beau, and for what Georgia had lost.
Ash and I made love constantly in those first few days. We’d cling to each other and cry, during and after. We just needed that connection.
We tried our best to explain to the kids in an age-appropriate way what had happened, but Annie had nightmares for weeks afterwards. And for the whole of December and part of January, we slept with all three of our kids in bed with us.
On the afternoon before the funeral, the bodies of Maca and Beau were brought to my parents’ house. Georgia insisted that the coffin go out in the soundproofed room that we’d all hung out in so much.
Now that she was up and about, she’d been sleeping in there. She was taking tablets to help her do it, and she was on a low dose of Valium and antianxiety medication. My parents seemed to think that she was over the worst, but I knew my sister better than most, and insisted that someone was with her at all times, so we all took it in turns. She wasn’t there mentally during that time, her mind gone, or just shut down till she could cope again.