by Lesley Jones
“Yeah, what’s going on, Slutster? I’ve revealed my varting abilities, Jim’s revealed all about her designer vagina, now you need to spill the deets about your meltdown. What the fuck happened?”
Jimmie stands up. “Hang on, we need more wine for this.” She heads off to the fridge while I retrieve the letter from my desk.
Once we’re topped up and I’ve settled the girls side by side so they can read at the same time, I pass them the two sheets of paper.
They each take a sip of their wine and start to read.
Ashley looks up at me a couple of times. Jimmie’s hand goes to her mouth, drops, and then goes back a total of three times.
“Wow,” Jimmie states as she finishes.
“Fuck!” Is all Ash has to offer.
We all look at each other, shaking our heads.
“It’s like, I dunno. It’s almost like he had a premonition, but at the same time, he seemed convinced he wasn’t going anywhere,” Jimmie says.
“Yeah, but this is Sean. He’d do anything to protect and not worry me. If he had a feeling that something was gonna happen, he’d never have let me know.”
“How’d you feel, George, after reading that, how’d ya feel?”
I move from where I was leaning against my desk and sit back down next to the girls.
“I really don’t know, Jim. I had that crate shipped to Australia, but the time wasn’t right, so I just packed it all up and shipped it back without reading them, well except one I think.”
We’re all quiet for a few long moments. Jimmie and Ash obviously trying to digest Sean’s words the same way I had …was still trying to in fact.
“George, if I ask you something, will you be totally honest with me.”
My mouth fills with saliva, the way it does if I’m about to vomit, as I nod my head at Jim’s question.
“Of course, go for it.”
Jim stands and takes up the spot I was in earlier and leans her arse against my desk.
Ashley puts her head back in my lap and takes a hold of the hand not containing my wine glass.
“Did anything ever go on between you and Cam, once you were back with Mac?”
Despite having to swallow hard to get rid of the excess fluid in my mouth, it now feels incredibly dry. I take a long draw from my glass, look down at Ash, and then across to Jim.
I know I can tell these girls anything. They’ve loved and supported me through the worst of times and celebrated with me during the best. And they have never ever judged. This is the only thing I have ever kept secret from them. Admitting to myself what happened between me and Cam is harder than saying it out loud.
I nod my head slowly, and a very lost and lonely, stray tear makes its way down my cheek.
Ash pulls her hand from mine and reaches up and brushes it away.
“Don’t cry, George, it was all a very long time ago. You don’t have to tell us if you don’t wanna.”
I let out a loud sob. Despite the release, my jaw trembles when I try to speak.
“It was the night I kicked the shit out of Haley White.”
Jimmies eyebrows raise up towards her hairline. Her eyes dart around the room, and I can almost hear her brain tick as she recalls that night.
“What? When? We all stayed at the loft that night, you came home with us.”
“His office,” Ash says from my lap.
“We left, he asked you to stay. You fucked him in his office.”
I nod my head slowly. “That’s exactly what happened.”
“Fucking hell, George.” Jimmie says before finishing the contents of her wine glass.
“It was just that one time. We never did it again, not even in Australia when we spent the night in the hotel room.”
I was suddenly too hot and felt shaky.
“Fuck, I thought you and Maca had an epic love story, but you and Cam, that’s just … I don’t even know what to say, George. You’re like, magnets or something. Parts of a puzzle that just have to be together,” Ashley whispers quietly.
“And Maca’s letter just makes it all even more … I dunno. What’s the right word? Surreal?” Jimmie asks.
I press my fingertips into my forehead and squeeze my eyes shut for a few seconds.
“I’ve no clue. I’m at a loss for words really.”
“Me too,” says Ash, still whispering for some reason.
I pull my head back, draw in my eyebrows, and say at the exact same time as Jim, “Bullshit.”
We all laugh and it breaks the tension a little bit.
“Please don’t ever tell Marley,” I tell Ash, now being totally serious. She shakes her head.
“Hoes Code, babe. I won’t breathe a word.”
I lean forward and kiss her forehead.
“So, after all these revelations, did you find anything that Marley might be able to use?” Jimmie asks. “What are these?” She picks up the pile that I’d mentally labelled “miscellaneous”.
“I don’t know. I set all of the song lyrics and poems over there for Marls to go through, but that was just a pile of stuff that …” I shrug my shoulders, “I don’t know what they are, so I just set them aside.”
Jimmie has a white envelope in her hand. Whatever’s inside is quite bulky as the envelope looks like it’s full.
“Can I?” Jim asks.
“Go for it.”
She sets to opening the envelope carefully.
“Over the desk or against the wall?” Ash asks quietly.
“Why the fuck d’ya keep whispering? There’s no one else here.”
She turns her head to look at Jim, who’s now reading intently.
“I know but it’s just so…” She wriggles her little body. “Sexy and sordid.”
“Cheers,” I tell her. “And FYI, it was neither. Not, I don’t mean it wasn’t sexy and sordid, because it was both of those things. What I mean is, I tried to leave, he slammed the door shut, spun me around, and fucked me against the door.”
“Squeeeeeeeee! It’s like a scene from a book or a film. Fuck, I can just imagine TDH being all alpha and domineering.”
“Oh.”
I look up at Jimmie.
“What?”
Ash asks before I can.
I don't miss the look Jimmie shoots her, and my stomach does a little forward roll, dragging the rest of my internal organs with it.
My eyes scan over what she’s reading. There’s a couple of sheets of paper in one hand and an envelope in the other.
I can't see who it’s addressed to, but I can see that it’s not Sean's writing on the envelope.
“Can I see that please?” In my head I ask calmly, but in reality, I just know my voice shakes.
I don't know why I feel the panic rise from my toes to my chest. Instinct? Some kind of sixth sense? I have no clue, but I’m anxious to the point where I feel sick. My mouth’s dry, and I watch my hand shake as I hold it out for the letter that Jimmie is reading.
"George, I don't think ..."
"Pass me the letter please, Jim."
I feel the weight of Ashley's head lift as she sits up, but I keep my eyes on Jimmie. hers dart to Ash and then back to me. Resignation written all over her face.
I know what’s coming even before she says the word.
“No.”
I nod my head slowly. My heart pumping the blood around my body so hard that a vein in the side of my neck actually aches from the pressure.
“Give me the fucking letter, Jim.”
“George, if she—”
“Ash, I love you dearly, but stay out of this, babe.”
I stand and take the two steps to where Jimmie leans back against my desk.
I don't ask this time, I just slide the two sheets of paper from between her fingers and start to read.
After the first few lines, the words stop making sense. The letters dance around the page, and my head begins to spin.
I close my eyes for a few seconds and wait for the world to right itself. All the w
hile knowing, that after what I'd just read, my world will never really be right again.
Sean,
Please, please read this. You won’t take my calls, and we really need to talk.
I can’t believe you’re going back to her. You told me it was over. You made me fall in love with you all over again. You gave me hope that finally, finally you would choose me, but just like last time, you’ve gone back to her. Why? Why her and not me? Is it because she lost the baby? Are you just feeling sorry for her, is that it? You can’t base a marriage on pity, Sean. It should be based on love, trust, and understanding, and you two don’t seem to have any of that for each other. She’s pushed you away for nearly three months, and I haven’t seen you doing much to stop her. She lost a baby. It happens all the time. What about me? What about our baby? You didn’t care about me or that I was left all on my own to make the worst choice a woman ever has to make. Just think, if you hadn’t left me and gone back to her all those years ago, we would have a ten-year-old now. A brown-eyed boy or girl that looked just like you. I suppose it’s Karma, really. I was forced to give up our child because you left me for her, so I suppose it’s only fair that she loses her baby too. Funny how life works out.
I’d like to say that I wish you both well, but I don’t. You used me ten years ago, and I stupidly let you use me again. I thought this time was different. She pushed you away, rejected you for three whole months and for three months I was there for you, holding you tight, wiping away your tears, and making you feel better, wanted, loved. Not her.
I’ll give you a week, Sean. A week to see sense and come back to me. A week to see that she’s nothing but a spoilt, selfish, heartless princess who doesn’t care about anyone other than herself. If you don’t get in touch within the week, then please don’t ever get in touch with me again. Don’t contact me. When we work together, just pretend I don’t exist, because for all intents and purposes, you’ll be dead to me.
Carla
I surprise myself with how calm I remain. My heart’s galloping in my chest and my jaw feels so rigid, I struggle to speak.
I pass the letter to Ash with a shaking hand and look to Jim. “Who is she?”
Jimmie licks her lips before answering. “She worked with the producers. She was one of the sound engineers. They had a thing going on for a while, right before you two got back together. I had no clue about anything after that or about a baby.”
I let out a long breath. “You never knew?”
Jimmie looks like I’ve just kicked her puppy. “Georgia, you’re seriously asking me that?”
I feel like the biggest bitch.
“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have even asked that.”
“I’ll tell you what I do know, though, and you are not gonna believe this …”
I raise my eyebrows and shrug, urging her to go on.
“That night you got busy with Cam in his office, something went on between Maca and her at that football match they performed at in France.”
“Oh my god, yes. I remember hearing something about that too,” Ash pipes up from beside me.
“What the fuck ladies? And neither of you thought to tell me?”
Ashley shakes her head, and the rapid movement is making my head spin again. “It was nothing bad, George. From what I remember, she made a pass at Maca, Maca told her to fuck off, and then he changed their flights. That’s why the boys came home early. It was months later that I heard about it, and you two were all loved up and pregnant again by then. It was trivial, a couple of the girls from the label gossiping when I was there waiting for Marley to get out of a meeting one afternoon. I think she was there at the meeting and that was why the two office girls were chatting about it.”
I stand and hold out my empty wine glass to Jim, and she tops it up.
I want to throw the glass, as well as the bottle, against the wall. I want to punch something. I want to cry, but I’m not sure why. I don’t even know for sure what, or even if, he did wrong.
“That’s pretty much what I heard,” Jimmie’s voice brings me back to the conversation going on around me. “And like Ash said, by the time I heard anything, you were pregnant. It was a non-story. Plus, I know what you’re like. I didn’t want you getting upset about it or turning up at the studio, ready to knock seven kinds of shit out of the girl.”
“Girl? How old is she then? Is she young?”
My paranoia is getting the better of me. It’d always been my biggest fear when I was with Sean. He was surrounded by so many women. So much very willing temptation surrounding him. Younger, slimmer, prettier.
“George, get a grip, will ya? No, she’s not a girl; she’s about the same age as us. He wasn’t interested, George, she was a distraction. I remember talking to him about her the first time around. She meant nothing to him. The second he was back with you, it was over.”
“He got her pregnant.”
“Yes, by the sounds of it he did, but she got rid of it from what I just read.”
My heart broke more at that news, than at the thought of Sean cheating on me. He could’ve had a child. Then there would’ve at least been something left of him.
“What about the second time? When I lost the baby? He said in that other letter that he came for me because he knew if he didn’t that Cam would. Is that even true? What happened between them? Was he sleeping with her while I stayed at my mum’s?”
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know, George.”
I let out a long breath and sit myself back down in a beanbag.
“Holy fucking fuck. Who would’ve thought, all these revelations were sitting in this ol’ box.” Ashley lets out a long whistle as she finishes speaking.
“I have no clue what to make of all this. I’ve put him on such a pedestal for all these years. He was the loyal, faithful husband, while I was the cheating whore of a wife, but he was just as guilty as I was. Then, to top it all off, he tells me to be with Cam. I mean, what the fuck? What do I do with all this? Everything I thought was us, me and Sean, really wasn’t.” I start to cry. I fight it and fight it, but I lose, and I’m so fucking angry with myself for crying that it makes me cry more.
“I’ve felt so much guilt. I convinced myself that I lost Baby M because I fucked Cam. All these years, I’ve felt so much guilt over what Cam and I did, for moving on so soon, and for going back to Cam. It was all pointless.”
Ashley jumps up from beside me and stands with her hands on her hips.
“Right, stop your snivelling just for five fucking minutes and listen up.”
I shoot a look across to Jim, who just frowns and shrugs her shoulders.
“You and Sean were not a fucking fairy tale couple. You were real people, with real problems. No marriage is perfect, not a single one. I don’t know why, for all these years, you’ve thought that yours and Sean’s was, but it wasn’t. So, build a fucking bridge and get over it. You were two people who loved each other passionately. No one will ever call that into question, but that alone does not make for a perfect marriage. Sadly, Sean died. Sean died and you lost Beau and it was horrible, fucking awful, George. Not just for you either, I might add, it was fucking horrible for all of us. Then you got lucky. You got so fucking lucky. TDH did exactly what Sean predicted he would. He swept in, he picked you up, and bit by bit, he put you back together.”
She pauses to take a swig of her wine, and I take that moment to draw breath. Apparently, while she was speaking, I’d forgotten to breathe.
“Where you go from here is entirely up to you. You either finally accept that what you had with Maca was beautiful, but far from perfect, and move on, enjoying the amazing and wonderful life you have with Cam and the kids guilt free. Or you ignore everything that you’ve discovered by reading these letters and continue living half a life, weighed down with the unnecessary guilt you feel because of past actions that can never be changed. What’s it gonna be? You finally gonna give Cam everything, every little piece that makes you who you, or are you gonna k
eep riding the ‘I’m Not Worthy’ train?”
The three of us sit in silence.
“I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor starts to play and totally in sync, the three of us look up towards the speakers in the ceiling. We start to laugh. I wipe the tears from under my eyes.
“It’s time,” I say quietly.
“Yes, it fucking is,” Ash states before high fiving me.
We put the letters away and have a party for three in my office. We set my “Old Skool Club Classics” playlist up and dance the night away. The last thing I remember is singing Alison Limerick’s “Where Love Lives” into an empty wine bottle. All of us finally crashing in my bed at around four in the morning.
Despite the lateness of the hour and the wine I’ve consumed, I can’t sleep. I toss and turn for about half an hour before Ash whisper shouts, “Stop fucking thinking, George. The sound of your brain is keeping me awake.”
“I can’t help it.”
“Yes, you can,” Jimmie joins in. “Like Ash says, build a bridge and get the fuck over it. You are both the unluckiest and luckiest person I’ve ever known. It’s about time you started enjoying the good and letting go of the bad. Life is short and then you die. You know first-hand how that one works. Time to move on, George. We’re all sick of ya whining.”
“Yeah, bored. Bored. Bored,” Ash adds.
“Gee, thanks ladies.”
“Anytime. Now, go to fucking sleep before I put this pillow over your head.”
“And I help her hold it down,” Jimmie offers.
I go to sleep.
Epilogue
I put the potato salad I just made into the fridge. I’ve followed Marian’s recipe to the letter and can only hope and pray I haven’t fucked it up. There was very little cooking involved, except for parboiling some potatoes and frying the bacon, so I have every hope.
I know he’s there before I even straighten up. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as his big arms slide around my waist.
He trails kisses over my neck before whispering in my ear, “I’m gonna slap that skinny little arse of yours till it’s raw next time you ignore my texts and calls. Whose dick indeed.” He bites and then sucks my neck. “I’ve missed you so fucking much, Mrs King.”