Jesse’s eyes were locked in a frown, and his shoulders hung low. “Did I do something wrong, Luke? Are you okay?”
Luke’s eyes darted around the room, looking everywhere but at Jesse. “Nothing’s wrong,” he said, trying to sound cheerful. “I just needed to freshen up. Sometimes these hookups can get a bit intense. You know how it is with random guys, right?”
Jesse felt the words like a knife in his chest. “Random guys? What are you saying? Is this just a h-h-h-h-hookup to you?”
Luke avoided eye contact still, and said, “Weren’t you having fun? We hardly know each other. That’s the very definition of a hookup, right? I have guys over here all the time. You should have more fun in your life. Don’t take things so seriously. You’re still young. Get some thrills in your life. The thrill lets you know that you’re alive.”
Jesse stood up and looked directly at Luke. “W-w-w-why are you d-doing this, Luke?” His voice was shaking and he felt a dull throbbing in his temple.
“I’m not doing anything, Jesse. You’re completely overreacting. You’re welcome to stay if you like. If not, no worries. I’m having some more wine, though. How about you?”
Jesse couldn’t believe how brazenly rude and dismissive Luke was being. Jesse couldn’t take it. He stormed out of the apartment, feeling tears stream down his face. He wanted nothing to do with Luke. Hadn’t there been a real connection? Surely Jesse was more than just a random hookup…
Luke sat down at the couch as Jesse left, his face contorted in a grimace. He poured himself another glass of wine and took a sip, staring at the wall. His eyes were cold and distant.
Chapter 5
After the excitement of the last Wednesday of partying before test season, the entire campus had descended into a hushed frenzy of studying. The library was packed day and night, and all of the private study rooms had been booked. Donovan Square was no longer the hub of bustling, laughing students, but instead only a few scattered groups could be seen buried in their books or quickly having lunch before returning to lecture halls or the library.
The only group who seemed unfazed by study season was Luke and his friends Blair and Busi. They sat on the benches in Donovan Square near where the swimming pool arena was. The sun was out and it was warmer than it had been for the past few weeks. Luke wore a green t-shirt and jeans, his perfectly trimmed beard lining his sharp jawline. He wore a pair of large sunglasses, both shielding his eyes from the glare and hiding the lines under his eyes from the lack of sleep. Luke had been studying for most of the night before, but he didn’t want his friends to know how stressed-out he was about the upcoming psychology assignment.
They all laughed at one of Busi’s jokes as he clowned around. Busi was taller than Luke and Blair, and his lanky features made him a perfect fit for comedy. He was part of the Ridgemont University improvisation club and would often be the life of their friendship group when the three of them hung out together. Busi’s hair was cut short, the same length as his slight beard, and his walnut-brown skin was the same color as his deep-set, beady eyes. Busi was always happy to be the center of attention; he was the one who had dragged Blair and Luke onto the table at Percy’s Pub two nights before. But his biting sarcasm and bluntness meant that he always kept his friends on their toes. Luke admired how Busi said exactly what he meant, and even though they had been friends for almost a year, just like Blair there was a distinct distance that Busi kept emotionally which suited Luke just fine. They never spoke about anything serious, always joking and teasing, and their friendship was all about having fun.
“I saw you leaving with that cute guy on Wednesday night. What happened with him? He didn’t seem like your usual type,” Busi said.
Blair laughed her raucous, deep laugh, and added, “Yeah, he seemed like a sweet and innocent one. We all know you prefer the bad boys. Just like you.” Busi joined in her laughter, and both of them stared expectantly at Luke to divulge the details of the mystery man.
Luke feigned boredom. He had been thinking about Jesse nonstop since that night. He remembered the look of hurt in Jesse’s eyes, the way he seemed like a wounded animal, and there was a tinge of regret at how Luke had acted. But something had gotten too real in the moment. As he was kissing Jesse, feeling close to him, Luke had been swamped by memories and feelings that he had long tried to bury. Luke had felt something for Jesse that he hadn’t felt in a long time, a feeling that he knew was dangerous because, he had learned from experience, it never lasted. In that moment, he had to get rid of Jesse, push him away so that things didn’t develop any further. Luke forced a giggle as his friends waited for his response, adjusting his sunglasses on his face and scratching at his beard. “You’re right, he was way too innocent for me. It was just a bit of fun but I don’t think I’ll be seeing him again.”
Busi shrugged his shoulders: “Eish, Luke, I wish I could be as popular with the ladies as you are with the guys. They don’t seem to find my routine entertaining anymore. You’ll have to give me some pointers the next time we go out.”
Blair flicked back her long, dark hair. She was dressed in her usual black, with tight jeans and long boots. Her face was stuck in a smile that accentuated the lines around her large mouth. Ridgemont students found her sexy and she was always hit on wherever they went, but she had a penchant for older men. She said to Busi: “Luke’s secret is that he looks at guys the same way he looks at everything else: have fun now and forget about what happens later. Isn’t that right, Luke?”
Luke felt a hint of annoyance at such a sweeping statement, but he masked it as best he could and let out: “You know it!” He gave her a high five.
“Speaking of which,” Blair started. Her eyes came alive like they always did when she was preparing for a new adventure. “I just booked a lodge in the Gouendaal mountains for next weekend. There’s an incredible route through the mountain with rappelling and a zip-line. Are you guys in?”
Busi’s small eyes grew larger with excitement and he moved in closer to Blair: “Awesome! I’ve heard great things about that route. I’m in! Can I bring someone?”
Blair smiled and said, “Three rooms, so you can share with whoever you like. I might be bringing an investment banker. We’ll see how the week goes. And Luke can bring his innocent boy along.” Busi and Blair laughed at Blair’s comment, but Luke barely managed a mixture between a smile and a grimace. “You are joining us, aren’t you, Luke? This was the only weekend that wasn’t booked before it gets too cold to go out there. We can’t do the route in winter. What do you say?”
Luke thought of his Psychology assignment that Professor Ndlovu would be giving to their class on that day. He had been studying hard for it, and he knew that he would be in trouble if he took a weekend away instead of working on it nonstop. But he couldn’t explain to his friends why an assignment was so important to him. Neither of them cared much about their studies, barely passing most of their courses. They just assumed that Luke felt the same, and he hadn’t done anything to change that impression.
“It’s test season, guys,” he said lamely, hoping that they would give him an out. “Shouldn’t we be studying? Look at all of these hardworking students we’re surrounded by,” Luke said, gesturing to the groups of worried faces buried in books that filled Donovan Square. “We should be following their example.”
There was complete silence for a few seconds, and then Busi burst out laughing, “Wow, you almost had me there! You looked so serious as you were saying it, too.” He slapped Luke on his knee as Blair joined in on the giggles. Busi said, “We’ve written exams after nights out partying before and we’ve been just fine. Sure, I’ve gotten some low grades in the past, but until we actually fail I think we can assume that what we’re doing is working. Right? Come on, it wouldn’t be a party without you there! We can make up for studying in the week.”
Blair joined in again: “What do you say, Luke? We’re in our final year. We should be doubling down on our partying, not slowing down.”
&
nbsp; Luke saw the expectant faces of his friends and realized that they would never understand why working hard at Psychology was important to him. He preferred it that way; they just wanted to have fun, and he convinced himself that that was all he wanted too. “Sure, sounds great!” Luke said, forcing enthusiasm into his voice. “But I won’t be bringing along a boring guy like the one I hung out with on Wednesday. We only have time for people who can party like us, right?”
Busi and Blair let out excited cheers and high-fived Luke. Blair took out her phone and went to her scheduler, saying: “Great! I’ll confirm the booking and we can work out travel arrangements. We’ll need two cars. I’ll see if the investment banker is keen on driving. And then you guys can organize another car.”
Busi frowned and shook his head, “Well, I guess that means I’ll be driving again.” He emphasized the last word heavily, his voice ringing with annoyance. “Honestly, Luke, when are you going to take your turn driving?”
Luke felt a surge of blood rush into his face and he bit on his lower lip. “I told you, I don’t drive.” He took a more serious tone than he intended, but Busi still didn’t pick up on his cue.
“It’s not that hard, Luke. I can teach you how to drive if you need me to. Unless you’re too short to see over the dashboard?” Busi joked, laughing at his own silliness. “You could always just put a pillow on the driver’s seat if you need it, Luke.”
Blair slapped Busi on his shoulder, biting her lip to suppress a smile. “Stop it, Busi. He doesn’t seem amused. If he doesn’t want to drive, he doesn’t have to. Maybe he just has to wear driving glasses or something and he’s afraid he won’t look cool.”
Both of Luke’s friends collapsed into giggles, and Luke stood up, anger welling in him. His expression was stony. “I have to get to class. I’ll talk to you later.”
Busi was still laughing as Luke started walking away, and said: “I was just joking, Luke. There’s no need to be so serious.” He turned to Blair and added, “You must’ve been right about the driving glasses, Blair. You’ve made him storm off in a huff.”
Blair was trying her best to keep a straight face as Luke started walking away, and called out after him, but he walked at a steady pace, not looking back. He regretted showing so much emotion with his friends, but they wouldn’t stop and he didn’t want to have to explain why he didn’t drive anymore. He had a momentary flash of the accident that had taken so much from him a year before: the smell of metal; the broken glass; a bloody hand. And then, for some strange reason, a vision of Stephanie flashed into his mind again. Why couldn’t he shake the thoughts of his sister since she had tried calling him a few days before? He was usually good at ignoring her and blocking her out of his life. But recently, he wasn’t able to numb his feelings anymore.
He pushed away the thoughts and tried to focus on where he was walking. He had to get to his Psychology class. It was time to find out what his assignment was for Prof. Ndlovu’s course. This would be the big test of whether he was capable of getting into graduate school.
As he walked through the pathways of Ridgemont University towards the Social Sciences Building, he felt a sense of dread descend over him. He would have to face Jesse again. He had thought about how he would act around Jesse since the night he had pushed him away. He would try to act cool and unaffected. He would make it seem like nothing had happened between them. He had to make sure that Jesse didn’t know how much he had affected Luke. Luke had to make sure that he didn’t think about his true feelings.
Luke sighed deeply and steeled himself as he approached the front entrance of the Social Sciences building, with its French façade and manicured shrubs. He was determined to protect himself from any more heartache.
Chapter 6
The classroom was aflutter with nervous chatter. Jesse sat right at the front, at the far edge away from the entrance, scribbling in his notebook. He was chewing his fingernails, a habit he was trying to curb. He pushed his hair behind his ear and focussed his eyes on the entrance, waiting for Prof. Ndlovu to enter.
There were only sixteen students in the exclusive Psychology of Social Behavior course, all personally accepted to the course by Prof. Ndlovu based on their grades and an essay application which they were required to submit at the end of their second year of study. These were the best of the best Psychology students, and many of them would be chosen for the highly selective intensive graduate clinical psychology program which the university offered. The class was very competitive, and many students tried hard to suck up to Prof. Ndlovu. Phillip had managed to get into the class, mostly with the help of Jesse in writing his application essay. He sat next to Jesse with a nervous expression, his eyes bloodshot with worry. “I hope I don’t get a topic that’s too tough,” Phillip said, frowning.
Jesse’s eyes were fixed on the entrance when he saw someone enter. He gasped audibly, thinking that the moment they had been dreading had finally arrived and Prof. Ndlovu would enter with their assignments. But the sight he saw at that moment was even more unpleasant.
Luke Brennan walked in, his sunglasses perched on his head and his expression blank. His cocky gait was instantly noticeable, and Jesse felt his stomach turn. He had tried his best to push the terrible experience with Luke out of his head. Two nights before, after sitting on the landing at Percy’s Pub and feeling so close to Luke as they kissed back at Luke’s flat, Jesse had really thought that Luke was into him. He felt sparks fly like he hadn’t felt with anyone before, not even Martin whom he had dated for so long. But it was all a sham. He had fallen for the charms of a guy who probably used the same tricks on so many other guys countless times before. Jesse should’ve known better. There was no way that someone like Luke would want anything more than a meaningless hookup with someone like Jesse. He should have trusted his instincts and stayed home instead of listening to Phillip.
Phillip turned to Jesse, noticing Luke entering as well, and said, “Damn, he really is hot. Sorry, but it’s true. Anyway, what a jerk. Just ignore him. He hardly noticed you before Wednesday night and there’s no need to give him any more attention than he deserves.” Phillip folded his arms and looked back at Luke. “I have a good mind to go over and say something to him right now.”
Jesse shook his head and tried to restrain Phillip, who would happily have caused a scene shouting at Luke in public. Jesse thought about what Luke had said to him, about how he had been silently competing with Jesse all along, admiring that Jesse was the top of the class. “Don’t bother,” he said to Phillip, “he’s just a party animal who was having his fun. It was my fault for thinking it was anything more than that.”
Phillip cocked his head and raised his eyebrow: “Listen, Jess, the way he looked at you, everyone in the room was thinking that this was love at first sight… or first… conversation, at least. I could feel the heat between the two of you from across the room. That’s why I wanted to check in on you before anything happened. It looked like something intense was going on between the two of you. But you looked like you were finally letting your guard down. I thought he would be good for you, and he seemed smitten as well. That look in his eyes when he sat next to you at the booth… I couldn’t believe it when you told me how he treated you, basically calling you nothing more than a piece of meat. It’s shameful!” Phillip shot daggers at Luke with his eyes.
At that moment, Luke turned to face them and locked eyes with Jesse. Jesse’s heart stopped. They stared at each other for seconds that felt like minutes. There was something indiscernible in Luke’s eyes, something between shock and pain. But Jesse decided that it was not worth worrying over, and he broke eye contact with Luke.
As soon as Jesse looked away, the booming voice of Professor Ndlovu shook over the classroom, silencing all of the students: “Good morning class. The big day has arrived. I’m sure you have all been preparing well for the assignment.” He was a stout, balding man with tiny spectacles hanging over his prominent nose.
Professor Ndlovu walked up to the
front of the classroom carrying a folder chock-full of notes. He stood behind his desk and looked at the students with his eyes half-open, his hands folded in front of him as though he were giving a sermon. The classroom was dead quiet, but the collective anxiety was palpable.
“This is one of the most demanding and selective undergraduate courses. Only the best of the best make it here, and you should be able to deal with any type of challenge which might come your way in the professional setting. For that reason, I’ve decided to do things a bit differently for this year’s assignment. Instead of an individual presentation and written research report, I have decided to make it a group-work effort around the eight themes we have discussed this semester. You will have to touch on each of the themes – I’m sure you’ve been studying hard already – but each group will be responsible for applying one particular theme to a developmental framework.”
Jesse was taking notes furiously, but already he had a sense of dread. He hated working in groups. The presentation would have been hard enough on his own as he would have to manage his stutter, but working with another person was sure to throw him off. He decided that he would have to choose Phillip to work with, since at least Phillip would trust his judgement and he could steer the way that they presented their work.
Professor Ndlovu continued speaking in his dry, monotonous tone, his thick voice carrying through the classroom: “Since you should be prepared for anything once you complete this course, I have decided that you will be randomly assigned to a group and topic. You should know all of the topics by heart anyway.” Prof. Ndlovu gestured for his teaching assistant, a petite postgraduate student, to come over to where he was standing. “My assistant Claudette has a hat with numbers from one to eight. You will take a number out of the hat and based on that you will be assigned to a particular topic.” Prof. Ndlovu put up a slide on the overhead projector with a list of eight topics with corresponding numbers. Jesse scanned through them quickly. He felt his heartrate increasing and felt like he was being hit over the head with a ton of bricks. It was the feeling that he sometimes got just before he had a panic attack as a child. Even though he hadn’t had an attack in a long time, he tried to calm himself. This was not what he had expected at all, and the assignment was way too important for him to mess it up.
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