Stephanie shook her head slowly: “It’s about me, Luke. I’m sick. I was having fainting spells and my memory has been foggy. I had myself checked out and the doctors say it’s a neurological disease called Herrington’s disease. It’s progressive and… it’s terminal. They say there are some treatments but that they’re nowhere close to a cure.” Stephanie scanned Luke’s face for a reaction, but he was determined not to give her one. Inside, he was reeling. “Luke, I came here to make peace with you before it’s too late. But I also came here to say that this disease… it’s genetic. The doctors told me to get everyone in my family tested. I had to come and speak to you about it, Luke. I want you to come with me to see my doctor as soon as possible. If you have the gene, we can start you on treatment before the symptoms get too severe. I need you to look after yourself, Luke.”
The shock was causing Luke’s chest to contract and his breathing became difficult. He felt the confusion of emotions make him lightheaded. He looked Stephanie dead in the eye. He had spent the previous year of his life, since Barend’s death, trying to escape all of the negativity in life. He had partied and gone on adventures of all types. He had been reckless with his life, not really caring whether he lived or died, not even thinking about the future. Now, it turned out, he might not even have a future to look forward to. And Stephanie, his sister, the one he had been trying to forget about ever since she told him she would never accept his relationship with Barend, who had not been there to comfort him when he was grieving his great love – now he was losing her too.
He got up without saying a word and made his way to the exit. Stephanie was still calling out his name behind him as he reached the exit. He gasped deeply when he walked into the cool outside air. He had no idea what to think. His mind flashed to Jesse, the first person he had felt any real connection with in almost a year. How silly Luke was to hope that things might work out for him.
Chapter 13
The text from Martin had added an extra layer of complication to Jesse’s life. He had read it over and over, trying to parse out any hidden meaning. He had received it after waking up from a refreshing nap after the long night talking to Luke. The message would seem simple to almost anyone reading it, but Jesse and Martin had so much history between them that Jesse could see how the message meant so much more than it seemed: Meet me at 6 at our bench in the Square? I’ll be waiting. We can recapture everything. Or we can let it fall away. You’re the one with the choice here. I’ll see you tonight.
That bench had been the scene of their first kiss, when Jesse and Martin were still first-year students, figuring out so much about themselves. Jesse was smitten with Martin in the start. It was the first time someone had made Jesse feel like he was the center of the world. The way Martin would tell him stories, looking him straight in the eye until he felt uncomfortable, those bushy eyebrows and expressive features so perfect for an aspiring actor, were like catnip to Jesse. Jesse used to dedicate every free second of his time to Martin – whenever he wasn’t studying. Perhaps it was because Jesse’s parents were always fighting when he was growing up, always ignoring Jesse and making him feel like he was unwanted, that when a guy showed him that kind of attention, he couldn’t get enough of it. Martin was the ideal; he was everything Jesse wanted and everything Jesse wanted to be.
They met at a first-year mixer and Jesse was instantly taken with Martin. When Martin first asked Jesse to a coffee date and walked him to the bench in Donovan Square, Jesse had butterflies in his stomach. Martin was one of the most popular first-year students, adored by guys and girls alike, and he was spending time with Jesse. Martin had told him all kinds of stories that evening in their first year at Ridgemont, about how he wanted to be the greatest actor in the world, how he loved the feeling of entertaining people and making them feel something. Jesse watched him closely as he told his stories, enraptured, and didn’t resist for a second when Martin moved in for a kiss.
Now, two years later, they had been through so much together. Despite being in a relationship for so long, Jesse had always remained like he was that first night: the adoring, naïve boyfriend who thought that Martin could do no wrong. That’s why, when he found out about the cheating through mutual acquaintances, he felt like his entire world was shattered. Martin was the first person he had ever let in that much; the first person Jesse had ever felt so deeply for. Phillip used to say to Jesse that it seemed like he worshipped the ground that Martin walked on. To have Martin betray that trust sent Jesse into a full regression. He isolated himself from almost everyone, only occasionally allowing Phillip to convince him to get out of the house. Jesse was determined not to let himself be hurt that way ever again.
And now, Martin was sending him all of these sweet messages, telling Jesse how much he missed their relationship and how much Jesse meant to him. Martin was always one for hyperbolic displays of affection, but this felt like too much. Jesse didn’t want to be hurt again. He couldn’t let Martin convince him to drop his guard.
Jesse read through the message one more time as he sat on his bed after waking up from his nap. He scratched at his blond hair and rubbed his eyes. You’re the one with the choice here. No doubt! Jesse knew that Martin was the one who had to convince him that he had changed. It felt manipulative for Martin to say that in the text, like he was trying to make Jesse feel like the only one standing in the way of their happy relationship was Jesse. But it was Martin’s cheating that had gotten them to where they were in the first place. Jesse considered his response carefully. He knew that he still had feelings for Martin, that much was certain. Martin still had a power over Jesse that he couldn’t shake no matter how hard he tried. Jesse also knew that Martin was a lot more cunning than he appeared. Martin had been able to convince Jesse to do so much while they were dating through subtle hints and cues that made Jesse powerless to resist. Jesse had changed his wardrobe, forced himself to be more outgoing and given up on some of the hobbies that Martin found silly or unpalatable, like reading fantasy books or his love of gardening. “Just get yourself a gardener! Why do you need to get so many callouses on your hands for no reason? You’re not an old woman,” Martin had said to him when they had been dating for a few months. Martin said everything with a certain charm that made it seem like the most logical thing in the world. Jesse tried to pick up on a lot of the things he enjoyed doing after he broke up with Martin, like forest walks with Scampers. He had even started an herb garden in the small outdoor area of his flat.
Jesse held his thumbs over his phone screen, ready to type a response to Martin’s text. He raised his eyebrow slightly and started typing: Sure. I’ll meet you there. But it will have to be very casual. I still have some thinking to do. Jesse felt like he was sufficiently defending himself in the message, not giving away too much to Martin.
The response came quickly, and Jesse’s eyes narrowed as he read it: Think fast. I’m bringing sparkling wine and chocolate strawberries. Martin’s response ended in a winky-face emoticon, and Jesse suddenly felt his nerves rising.
He got out of bed finally as afternoon was settling in. He had wasted an entire Sunday that he should have spent studying, but the previous night had been very productive. Luke had come up with some excellent ideas for the assignment. Jesse was genuinely impressed. Jesse knew that he could sometimes be an intellectual snob. He was obsessed with psychology and had a really broad range of knowledge about the field, and other undergraduate students often didn’t know as much as he did. But Luke had shown some amazing insight and deep knowledge of the field. His research was top-notch, and a lot of it could be used for the final assignment. Jesse was amazed that there were so many layers to Luke that he could never have guessed at. After that first night at Luke’s flat, Jesse had wanted to write Luke off as nothing more than a jerk who used people for his own pleasure. Based on what Jesse had seen since, his first impressions were very wrong.
Jesse had been so embarrassed about how awkwardly he had said goodbye to Luke. So much so that
he was compelled to send a text to Luke apologizing for it. But sending the text had made Jesse feel even more embarrassed – maybe Luke didn’t even notice how awkward the moment was. Jesse tried to shake off the thought and went to take a long, hot shower.
He spent the afternoon going through his notes for an upcoming History test, and by five he knew that he had to start getting ready for his date with Martin. He caught himself using the word “date” in his thoughts about seeing Martin again, and wondered anew if he really wanted to get back together with Martin. For some reason, even though he was in a phase where he was trying to give Martin another chance, he hardly even thought about him unless he was getting one of the flirty messages that Martin sent. Instead, he spent a lot more time thinking about Luke. Jesse knew that animal magnetism often meant nothing – it was just a silly attraction – but he couldn’t shake the way he felt when he was around Luke. All he wanted to do was go back to that first night, kissing Luke on the couch, feeling Luke’s body pressing against his, smelling the masculine scent of musk and testosterone. Even those memories were intoxicating, carrying Jesse away from himself for some stolen moments. But Luke had made it very clear that he was not emotionally available for a relationship. And Jesse couldn’t allow himself to fall for someone who would just use him and drop him. Jesse wasn’t capable of having a casual hookup, at least not at that point in his life. He had to block thoughts of being with Luke as much as possible. But it wouldn’t be easy since they’d be spending so much time together working on their assignment.
Jesse threw on a scarf and jacket and drove to the parking lot just opposite Donovan Square. The bench where he was to meet Martin was hidden behind some hedges at the far end of the park, near where the swimming stadium was located. The sun was setting already and the warm orange glow of the dying light was illuminating the green and yellow leaves of the trees in the square. A few students were strolling along the pathways, most clutching a textbook for evening study. Jesse made his way through the park and finally came to the corner where he was to meet Martin. Evening was descending quickly; winter was definitely close. Jesse turned the corner and could see faint white light against the hedges. As he came into the clearing, he heard soft violin music playing. His mind took a second to register everything he saw as he turned the corner at the bench where Martin was waiting. Flickering electronic candles were placed throughout the clearing. A picnic basket was waiting on the bench and a red and white blanket was neatly placed on the floor in front of the bench. Martin sat with a card in his hand, smiling broadly as he saw Jesse approach. Martin looked incredible: he wore a flattering blue collar shirt and black jeans. His bushy, thick hair was neatly styled to the side. He stood up and walked towards Jesse. “I hope you like it, sweetness. It’s all for you.”
Jesse was blown away. He took a second before he closed his mouth and could finally respond: “What’s all this for? I feel so underdressed now.”
Martin hugged Jesse warmly and said: “Nonsense. You look as handsome and delectable as ever, sweet Jesse. Come have a glass of champagne with me.”
Martin took Jesse’s hand and led him towards the picnic blanket, the flickering lights from the electronic candles reflecting on his clear skin. He poured two flutes of champagne and directed Jesse to sit down. “It’s a bit cold but I managed to convince the drama department to help me with a portable heater. Told them it was for an important person in my life. I needed to show that person how much I still love him and how much I want him back.”
Jesse vaguely remembered that he had told himself to be cautious with Martin, but in the face of such an elaborate gesture, his resolve had all but faded. “You really shouldn’t have,” Jesse said as he was fed a chocolate strawberry by Martin. Jesse added while chewing, “This is too much.”
“Nothing’s too much for the man I love,” Martin said. His big, gorgeous brown eyes were longingly staring straight at Jesse’s. “I just want to make sure that you feel special. I need you to know how special you are to me, dearest.”
Jesse’s mind flashed red with thoughts like: didn’t you just break up with another guy a few short weeks ago? But he pushed the thoughts away. If Martin was willing to go through all of this trouble for him, he must have changed and grown during their time apart.
Martin’s expression became completely serious then. He had a way of conveying emotion persuasively, Jesse remembered. Martin said: “I want to give us another chance. No guy has ever treated me the way you treat me. I’m tired of chasing something that I already have in spades with you. Someone who really listens to me, who really gets me. Sweetheart, it’s always been you. I know I made a lot of mistakes in the past,” Martin’s eyes shifted sideways at these words, “but it was all part of our journey together. I honestly think that having those hiccups in our relationship has made us stronger, and that we can be even better together than we were before. I want us to dive right back in where we left off. What do you say, Jesse?”
Jesse sat in silence for a minute, chewing on another chocolate strawberry. He felt like he was hit over the head with a ton of bricks. Martin was asking him to give an answer, and all Jesse wanted to do was think about it some more.
Martin spoke again when he saw that Jesse was not responding: “Think about it this way, lovely Jesse: if you still have feelings for me at all, if you still think about me and about what we had together, don’t you owe it to yourself to give this another chance?”
Jesse stammered: “I… I guess so. I mean, yes, I do still have feelings for y…”
“You do?” Martin squealed in glee. “Oh Jesse! I’m so happy to hear that! I’m so, so happy!” Martin embraced Jesse tightly and began to kiss him. Jesse almost dropped the glass he was holding, but maintained his balance as Martin kissed his face and lips. Martin moved in for a full, passionate kiss, and Jesse responded. He felt Martin’s familiar, arousing lips, his gentle tongue massaging Jesse’s mouth. Jesse felt his blood flow to every extremity at whirlwind pace. He lost himself in the kiss. He was completely at Martin’s mercy.
Finally, the kiss was broken, and Jesse came to his senses. Martin said: “I’m so glad we’re boyfriends again! Let’s pack up this picnic and head over to my place before it gets too dark. What do you say, sweetness?” Martin’s eyes were narrow and he gave an inviting smile as his left eyebrow rose into his forehead, so high that it looked like it might break free and fly away.
Jesse was tempted to say yes. His hormones were pumping through his body and he was completely succumbing to Martin’s charms. But he resisted: “I have to meet a study partner tonight. I have an assignment coming up that I need to work on really hard. But let’s continue this tomorrow night, okay?”
Martin gave a child-like scowl: “You’re no fun,” he said, and tapped Jesse playfully on his shoulder. “At least finish this wine with me. We need to celebrate this moment for a while longer. I’m so happy we’re back together. How are you feeling about all of this?”
Jesse was getting slightly tipsy from the wine, but his thoughts were sobering up slightly since the kiss he had shared with Martin moments earlier. The doubts were beginning to return to him. But he couldn’t ruin the moment, and he simply responded: “I’m happy too. I missed you.”
Chapter 14
Jesse sat in the study room that he had booked in the library. He was feeling very tipsy after his date with Martin; he very rarely had sparkling wine, or any kind of wine for that matter, because it had the effect of taking away some of his inhibitions and making him say things that he later regretted. Jesse blinked hard under the glare of the harsh fluorescent lights in the study room. The room was tiny, with only a circular desk in the middle and five chairs arranged around it. Jesse’s notes were in front of him, and he tried to shake the tiredness from his head. He had made a promise to Luke that they would work on the assignment together that evening, and he was not about to break that promise.
Jesse went through some of his notes, but his mind was scattered. He kept th
inking about Martin, how passionately they kissed, how he had agreed to give Martin another chance. Martin had certainly jumped the gun by calling them boyfriends again. Jesse didn’t know if he was ready to take that leap with Martin, but he played with the word in his head. He was always so comfortable with that label: Martin’s boyfriend. He loved telling people that they were dating. There was a definite social reward when Jesse told people that he was dating someone as popular and suave as Martin was. Someone who almost every guy wanted to be with.
But that was also the problem. Martin was such a great actor, but his greatest role was being a faithful boyfriend. Martin couldn’t resist the attention of guys, and Jesse found out that Martin had been on gay dating apps almost throughout their relationship. Jesse knew that it was only a matter of time before Martin’s eye started to wander again. The question was: had Martin really grown? Would he be able to resist the attention of the many attractive guys at Ridgemont? Jesse had to learn to trust him again, and Martin had to earn that trust. The problem was that Jesse wasn’t so sure that he loved Martin in the same way that he had loved him before Martin broke his heart.
Jesse’s thoughts inevitably ended up at the night he had spent with Luke. Seeing those beautiful blue eyes staring back at him, those plump lips that had kissed Jesse’s deeply. Even though Martin could kiss like no other and draw Jesse into a hypnotic fugue state whenever they were making out, it was nothing compared to the electricity of kissing Luke. Martin’s kisses always felt calculated somehow, like Martin wasn’t really enjoying it so much as putting on a show. But Luke was fully there with Jesse when they kissed. There was a connection between them that Jesse couldn’t even fully grasp yet. If only Luke hadn’t pushed him away. If only he felt the same deep connection to Jesse that Jesse felt for him. But Luke was only after hookups with guys he didn’t need to remember afterwards. He didn’t want the real, lasting relationship that Jesse wanted. Jesse wanted to be with a guy who would go with him through the ups and downs of life, someone that he could plan a future with. Luke’s only idea of planning for the future was deciding which watering hole to go to on any given evening.
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