Jesse felt his heart breaking as he watched Luke standing in front of him, tears covering his cheeks. Jesse’s own voice was cracking as he said, “I just can’t trust you, Luke. I just can’t give you the chance to treat me the way so many people have treated me in the past. I don’t want to hurt you, but I find myself putting up these walls between us. Too much has happened. I don’t think there’s a way that we can ever go back to something untainted between us. We’ll just end up hurting each other. I’ll speak to Ndlovu on Monday about doing the assignment alone. I just can’t do this anymore.”
Luke’s sobbing became heavier. He turned on his heel and went to the door, holding his hand on the handle for a second, hesitating before turning it. He muttered, “Goodbye, Jesse,” and he opened the door to walk outside.
In the cold, rainy night, Luke took out his phone to order a car to take him home. He walked to the parking area, finding a covered spot to give him some shelter from the rain while he waited for the car. He was still crying, his heart heavy with the happenings of the day. Why had he even wanted to hook up with Martin? He didn’t even like him. And now everything with Jesse was ruined. Luke saw on his phone that his car was one minute away. His vision was slightly blurry as he looked at the phone’s screen, and he pressed his eyes closed. His legs were feeling weak again, and he was lightheaded. He looked back towards Jesse’s flat, considering going to him for help, but before Luke could even make a decision, he felt himself collapse onto the ground.
Chapter 20
Luke opened his eyes slowly, feeling groggy and squinting from the sharp light surrounding him. Sunlight was streaming in through the window next to him. He felt comfortable but disoriented. “Good afternoon, Mr. Brennan,” the smiling face above him said. Luke saw that a nurse was attending to him, tucking a blanket around his sides. “How are you feeling?” the woman asked. She was a stout, short woman who wore a pink nurse’s uniform and had her hair tied back tightly. Her smile was motherly and reassuring.
“I’m okay. My head hurts,” Luke said, refocusing his eyes. “Where am I? Why did you say ‘Good afternoon’?” Luke asked with a hoarse voice. He realized that he was wearing a hospital gown and was tucked into a hospital bed in a small room. He could smell disinfectants and cleaning products. “Am I in the hospital? How did I get here?” Luke asked, sitting up slowly in the bed.
“Just lie back down, Mr. Brennan. You’ll still be a bit lightheaded from the medication we gave you. Your cab driver last night found you passed out and called an ambulance. You’ve been stable but unconscious until now.”
“What? I… did I faint again?” Luke asked, feeling anxiety rising in him.
“You can ask the doctor more questions when he arrives. He should be here in a few minutes to check on you. Just rest for now. You have a visitor who just stepped out for a second.”
“Who is it?” Luke asked. He couldn’t think of anyone who would want to visit him. As he said the words he saw someone step into the room behind the nurse.
“Hi, Luke. Are you feeling better?” the gentle voice of Stephanie called out from the doorway. She walked in the room and stood at Luke’s bedside. The nurse nodded at her and left the room.
“What are you doing here, Stephanie? I thought I told you that I didn’t want to see you again.” Luke pursed his lips and turned his head away from his sister.
“I’m still listed as your emergency contact, Luke. I’m glad to see that you didn’t change that.”
“Must’ve slipped my mind,” Luke said. “It doesn’t seem like an emergency. I’m fine now.”
Stephanie’s lines under her eyes seemed softer than the last time Luke had seen her. Color had returned to her features. “You lost consciousness last night, Luke. Has it happened to you before? It was one of the first symptoms of Herrington’s disease for me.” Stephanie’s features were full of concern.
“I’m fine, Stephanie,” Luke said bluntly.
“I think you should get yourself tested, Luke. There are treatments available. I started a new treatment recently that seems very promising. If you have the gene and if the disease develops, it could be really dangerous. I just want to make sure that you’re okay.”
Luke bit back: “Like you made sure I was okay the last time you visited me in a hospital room? What did you say to me then? That you would never accept me, right? I had just lost my boyfriend, and you couldn’t even show me common courtesy. What’s changed since then, Stephanie?”
“A lot has changed, Luke. The last year of my life has not been easy.”
“Spare me the sob story, Stephanie. You made it clear that you wanted nothing to do with me ever since I started dating Barend. What happened to you? You were my best friend growing up. You were the only one there for me when mom left us and we had to live with Aunt Katherine. She took us in, but I always looked to you as a parent-figure in my life. And then you pushed me away. Do you really think I’ll just take you back with arms wide open?”
Stephanie reached over as though she wanted to touch Luke’s arm, but stopped herself. “I thought I was doing the right thing for you. It’s painful now for me to even think back on it. I thought that being gay, being with a guy, was wrong. That it would lead to a lonely, broken life for you. I wanted to give you an ultimatum in order to save you. That was really the way I thought about it. I wish I could go back and shake some sense into myself. I wish I could keep the promise I made to myself when we were growing up that I would always do my best for you. In my mind, pushing you away was my way of trying to help you. I pulled away because I loved you so much that I didn’t want to see you get hurt.”
Luke laughed in derision: “Some way you have of showing love! Abandoning your little brother when his entire world falls apart, after a serious car crash. When I look at that scar,” Luke touched his hand to the place where the scar was on his torso, “I see the reminder of what was taken from me in the crash. But I also think about the scar that you caused me, the scar I carry inside. I decided in that hospital bed that I would never forgive you. And I never will.” Silence descended between them. Luke kept his eyes to the window, seeing the sun on the horizon. “What time is it? I’m supposed to be going away with some friends today. I need to get in touch with them.”
Stephanie pushed her hair behind her ear: “Blair and Busi? They called your phone this morning, asking where you were. I told them you were in the hospital after passing out. They said they would go on without you and you could meet them there if you want to. They don’t sound like great friends, honestly.”
“They’re better than you, Stephanie. At least they don’t pretend to be something they’re not. I know exactly where I stand with them. They would never cut me out of their lives because I’m gay, that’s for sure.”
Stephanie took the words like a dagger to the gut. “I don’t know how to apologize anymore. I don’t know what to say to take the past year back and make things better with you. All I know is that I might be gone in a few short years, and I don’t want to spend them with this bitterness between us. I want to spend these years proving to you that I hate the fact that I didn’t support you back then. I want to show you that I’m not the naïve, ignorant person I was a year ago. I’ve been going to meetings, talking to my pastor, reading books. I’ve been doing everything I can to learn more about what it means to be gay. And I’ve learned just how wrong I was. I’ve learned that family should be about more than trying to teach each other cruel lessons. I’ve learned that I should celebrate the fact that you could feel so much love for someone, not be afraid of it. My whole life I’ve been trying to protect you, and I regret it so much that I didn’t protect you when you needed me most.”
Luke maintained his stony expression, trying not to show Stephanie all of the emotion that was welling up inside of him. “I’ve lost the capacity to love. Even when I think that love could be possible again, I mess it up. There’s something wrong with me. I’m not the same person I was a year ago.”
“You
suffered a great loss, Luke. You have scars inside and out. It takes time for those scars to heal. But they can heal in time. There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m sorry for ever thinking that there was anything wrong with you, because you’re just the way you’re supposed to be. And I want you to find love again. I want you to be able to find happiness and heal.”
“You don’t know what it’s like!” Luke burst out. His voice was shaking. “You don’t know what it’s like to be responsible for the death of someone you love. I was driving that night. I should’ve seen the truck approaching at the intersection, noticed that it was going too fast. I replayed that moment in my mind a million times. I should’ve known that the truck’s breaks were out and that it wasn’t going to stop in time. I had Barend’s life in my hands. You don’t know what it’s like. Life is so fragile. In a second, it’s gone. I just didn’t want to form that kind of attachment again. It’s too random. I only want things I can control, things I can be sure of. If nothing’s permanent, then I only want temporary thrills. Now you tell me that I’m losing you, too. You come back into my life to tell me that you’re leaving. And I might be sick too…” Luke sobbed, but continued, “I’ve been taking my life for granted, ready to throw it away for so long, and now I might actually lose it.”
Stephanie rushed forward and grabbed Luke in her arms. He found himself hugging her back. They both sobbed uncontrollably, the year of distance between them making the moment all the more painful for both of them. Luke pushed aside his anger towards his sister just for one moment, abandoning his resolve. He just needed his big sister’s arms around him one more time in that moment, and he didn’t care about any of what had come before.
“I love you Luke. Please remember that. No matter what happens between us or how much time we have together. No matter how I acted in the past because of my stupid misguided actions. I loved you throughout it. I wish every day that I had told you that and shown you that, the way I should have.”
Luke finally stopped crying, snapping back into the moment. He dropped his arms to his sides, no longer hugging Stephanie, and she took his cue and moved backwards. He said in a cold, cruel tone: “We can’t erase the past, no matter how hard we try. We can’t pretend like none of those things have happened. I don’t care about either of us being sick now. I’ll never be able to forget what you did to me, Stephanie.”
“Luke… I made a mistake,” Stephanie said, her tears subsiding. “Have you never hurt someone deeply and just wished that you could go back and undo it?” Luke’s mind flashed to Jesse, the pain he had seen in his eyes the night before.
“It’s too late, Stephanie. I need you to leave, please. Please. Don’t come back. I’ll be fine without you.” Luke’s eyes bore into Stephanie.
She responded weakly, dropping her gaze to the floor: “Just promise me that you’ll look after yourself. Get the test and get on the treatment as soon as possible if you have the gene. Please, promise me that, Luke. I need you to be okay despite what I did to you.”
Luke was quiet. Stephanie grabbed her coat and walked out of the door, not turning back to look at Luke. He sat on the bed, raw with emotion. A few moments later, the doctor came into his room and spoke to him about his condition and the likelihood of him having Herrington’s disease. “I strongly advise you to take the test as soon as possible,” the doctor said. “I can schedule it for later today and you can have the results within a few days. Should I go ahead and do that, Luke?”
Luke pursed his lips. His murmured: “I don’t want the test, doctor. I just want to go home.”
Chapter 21
The weekend slipped away quickly. Luke hadn’t heard from Jesse since their tense Thursday night. The doctor had discharged Luke from hospital after a few more hours of observation, telling him that his blood pressure was abnormally low, and the doctor advised him to do a blood test, but Luke refused, saying that he just wanted to get home. That Monday morning, Luke awoke feeling completely exhausted. He had spent a mostly sleepless night tossing and turning. He couldn’t even focus on the Psychology assignment, which was now only four days away. Worst of all, he would have to see Jesse again that morning in class, and have to suffer through the embarrassment of Prof. Ndlovu berating them for no longer wanting to work together. It was all too much to think about.
Luke’s was hardly able to concentrate on one thing at a time. He had constant thoughts of Stephanie, how she had apologized and said that she wanted to rebuild a relationship with him before it was too late. He thought about the fact that he might have had the gene for Herrington’s disease and could be getting sicker himself. And he thought about Jesse, how much Luke had hurt him when Jesse found him with Martin, and how strong Luke’s feelings were starting to become for Jesse. It was all too much. Luke’s impulse was to escape. He considered booking a trip somewhere; his aunt was still covering most of his expenses, and Luke was sure she wouldn’t notice the credit card charge for a trip to Durban until Luke was sipping on some wine by the beach. But a nagging thought made him stay; he owed it to Jesse to help him work on the assignment, if Jesse would still be open to it. The chances of that seemed very slim, but Luke couldn’t simply run away anymore. Jesse was counting on him.
Luke took a shower and got dressed for class, and strolled to the Social Sciences building. He was a few minutes early, knowing that Jesse was usually the first person at Psychology class, and hoping to catch him before class started. No one was there, and Luke sat waiting for others to arrive. The minutes ticked by and the rest of the class were filing in, and Prof. Ndlovu was already standing in front, ready to begin when the clock struck the hour, but Jesse was nowhere to be seen. Luke frowned as he stared at the door. It wasn’t like Jesse to miss class. Finally, just before class was set to begin, Luke saw Jesse’s friend Phillip walking in. Phillip caught Luke’s eye and simply shook his head, looking away and proceeding to sit down at the back of the class. Where was Jesse? It wasn’t like him to miss class.
Prof. Ndlovu proceeded with what would be their final formal lecture for the semester, going over information for their exams and again stressing the importance of the assignment. “On Friday, this class is in your hands. You will deliver your final presentations to show everything you’ve learned during this course and indeed throughout your undergraduate studies. I trust that you have been preparing well and I don’t expect any problems from you… Mr. Montgomery, is this any time to arrive for your final lecture of the term?” The class all turned their eyes to the entrance, and Luke saw Jesse there. He looked exhausted. His eyes had deep blue circles underneath them, and his dark blond hair looked greasy and flat.
He called out to Prof. Ndlovu: “I’m s-s-sorry P-P-Prof.” and sat down next to Phillip. Luke felt a pang of concern for Jesse.
“I expect more from you, Mr. Montgomery. Especially if you expect to be considered for postgraduate studies. You are a final-year student and you must carry yourself with professionalism.” Jesse simply nodded and averted his eyes, his cheeks turning a bright red. Prof. Ndlovu continued: “As I was saying, I don’t expect any problems from any of you for the final assignment. By this point you are getting ready to go into professional training, and some of you are even entering the job market in a few short months. You need to earn your grades. I am not afraid of failing you if you don’t show me that you deserve to pass this course. I’ve had some funny requests already, like people asking for extra time or telling me they won’t be able to do the presentation in their designated slots. Let’s be one hundred percent crystal clear about this: if you don’t follow the instructions, you forfeit your marks.”
Luke knew that professor Ndlovu would not take kindly to Jesse’s request to do the assignment on his own, and he felt a lump develop in his throat. He would have to try and strategize with Jesse about how they would talk to Prof. Ndlovu. Would Jesse even want to talk to Luke?
After twenty more minutes of lecturing, Ndlovu ended their final class of the term and said he would be open to any
questions about the upcoming exams or the work they had covered in the term. Luke knew that the moment had arrived. He sighed deeply and looked back to find Jesse. Jesse stood at the back of the class, still looking exhausted and burdened, and talking to Phillip. Luke got up and started to walk towards Jesse, but to his surprise Jesse and Phillip simply walked out of the classroom. Luke stood staring at the doorway for a few seconds before rushing after them. He pushed past a few other students and saw Jesse and Phillip walking ahead of him in the small courtyard of the Social Sciences building. Luke ran up to them and called out after Jesse. Phillip and Jesse turned around, neither of them looking pleased to see Luke.
Phillip spoke first: “What do you want, Luke? Can’t you see this is not a good time?”
“I need to talk to you, Jesse,” Luke said, ignoring Phillip’s tone of annoyance. “I know you don’t want to see me, but I just need to know what you’ve decided to do about the assignment.”
Phillip and Luke stood staring at Jesse for a few tense seconds. Jesse’s expression was unreadable. He looked tired more than anything else. Finally, he said to Phillip: “Can you give us a minute, Phillip? I’ll call you a bit later, okay?”
All-Nighters Page 14