Luke arrived at the edge of campus and walked into Jesse’s flat complex, his feelings mixed. He was happy that he would get to spend time with Jesse, someone who had become so important to him. But he didn’t know if it would be fair to tell Jesse about his meetings with Stephanie and about the fact that Luke might have been sick with an incurable, terminal disease. Luke knew that Jesse had strong feelings for him too. That look in Jesse’s eye, the way he reacted when Luke held his hand, it was all too obvious that both of them felt the same way. Luke had once thought that he would never be ready to love again, but now he was facing the prospect of another doomed, short-lived love. Was it even fair to pursue something more with Jesse? Luke had to focus on the assignment.
He knocked on the door of Jesse’s flat and remembered a promise that he had made, to himself and to Jesse, although not in as many words: he would always be there for Jesse. He would never abandon him.
“Good morning!” Jesse greeted him as he opened the door. “Look who’s up to greet you.”
Scampers stood behind Jesse wagging his tail, wearing a green doggie coat. “Morning, boy! You’re looking right as rain today!”
Luke walked into the flat and ruffled the fur on Scampers’s head. He stood in front of Jesse in the entryway, unsure of how to greet him, but decided that he had to be authentic and do what he really wanted to do. He moved in to hug Jesse, and Jesse returned his hug.
“You’re looking a lot better today. Did you sleep well?” Luke asked.
“I had to rest up for our epic week of all-nighters to finish the assignment, right? I slept really well, thanks. It was good having Scampers close by.” Jesse walked to the kitchen area where a fresh pot of coffee stood waiting. “Can I get you a cup?” Jesse asked Luke, pointing to the pot. Jesse was wearing a casual maroon t-shirt, grey cardigan and comfortable jeans. He wore socks with thick brown winter slippers. He looked the picture of health, clearly rejuvenated by his dog’s sudden recovery.
“I’d love some,” Luke said, dropping his bag to the floor next to the door and sitting down on the couch next to Scampers. Luke petted the dog as he watched Jesse pour coffee, focusing on his every movement. Even just watching Jesse like that gave Luke butterflies. He could see so much more in Jesse than he had seen before. Luke remembered the glimpse of Jesse that he had gotten on the first night he took Jesse back to his flat, the realization that there was something amazing about him that Luke could fall in love with. He was frightened when he first saw it, not ready to face what it meant. Now, he only wanted to see more.
Jesse walked over with the cup of coffee, and said: “I’ve been going through your final draft of the first two sections of the assignment. Excellent work, Mr. Brennan. You’ve really outdone yourself. The depth of research is very impressive.”
The compliment sat awkwardly with Luke. He had never been praised for his ability to work hard and produce something of quality. He had never really shown that side of himself to anyone close to him, not even Stephanie when they were younger. “Thanks,” Luke said, forcing a smile. “I went through the presentation that you put together and the slides that you made. I couldn’t have done it better myself. You’re going to knock this out of the park.”
“We’re going to knock it out of the park, you mean,” Jesse said. “I’m not going through that hell alone. I’m not even convinced that I’ll be able to stand up there and get through my part of the presentation. You have no idea how terrible it is to know that the stutter is coming, Luke. When I realize I’m stuttering, I try and just move on like it’s no big deal. But inside, it’s torture. I want to disappear into the ground. I was putting on a brave face last night, but I’m terrified, Luke.” Luke could see the vulnerability and sincerity in Jesse’s eyes. The fear was apparent, and Luke realized that he had never fully appreciated how challenging the stutter was for Jesse.
He tried to comfort Jesse by saying, “Honestly, Jesse, I hardly ever notice your stutter. I’m much more interested in the words you’re saying than how you say them. I think the rest of the class will be the same.”
“I wish I could believe you,” Jesse said. “I’ve been on the verge of a panic attack for most of the morning whenever I think about standing there in front of the class. My dad used to tell me that I needed to calm down or people wouldn’t take me seriously. He told me that I needed to learn to control my nerves or I would never be as successful as my parents are. They expected a lot from me when I was young. Sometimes I think that’s the reason they didn’t pay much attention to me as I got older; I was some big disappointment.” Jesse shifted his eyes and focused on the cup of coffee he was sipping on, a pained expression on his face.
Luke said: “Jesse, if you don’t mind me saying so, your parents are idiots if they can’t see how great you are. And if they were too busy with work to spend time with you, they missed out on an awesome son who’s grown into a really impressive man.”
Jesse looked up at Luke questioningly: “You mean that? Sometimes, even though I do well in class and I’m happy with my life, I still imagine that people are just laughing at me behind my back. I imagine that if I give them the chance to, like doing a presentation, they’ll laugh right in my face like they used to in school.”
Luke bent over and whispered in Jesse’s ear, “Let me tell you a secret: they’re all jealous of you. That’s what they’re saying behind your back. I know because I listen to them in class.” Luke smiled conspiratorially and winked at Jesse. “Why don’t we work on the presentation today and make it perfect. Then we can do a big run-through before the end of the day and you can see how great it is and how great you’ll be delivering it on Friday?”
Jesse smiled, and said, “Deal.” He thought for a few moments, and faced Luke as he added, “You really have a way of making me feel good about myself, you know?”
“I’m just telling you the truth, Jesse. You should hear it more often, I’d say.” They turned to their notes and began their marathon study session.
***
Jesse and Luke didn’t leave the house all day. They took a study break to take Scampers outside in the afternoon and another break in the evening to watch some sitcoms that Jesse had downloaded on his laptop. They found themselves deep in conversation when the show ended, sitting on Jesse’s bed with snacks and laughing as they shared stories about their classmates and their time at Ridgemont. Time slipped away from them and they realized that they hadn’t gotten to the run-through of the presentation yet, and it was nearing midnight.
“I can’t believe we lost track of time like that,” Jesse said, scrunching his nose into a faux frown. “Should we get some sleep and pick up where we left off tomorrow?”
“Are you tired?” Luke asked, sad that Jesse seemed to be hinting that he wanted Luke to leave.
“Not at all. I’m kind of wired, actually. Must be the seven cups of coffee we’ve had today. I just thought you might be sick of me already,” Jesse said playfully.
Luke smiled at the obvious flirtation tactic: “Meh, I can put up with you for a short while longer, I guess,” he joked. “Let’s do the run-through of the presentation before I go. What do you say?”
Jesse responded with an eager, toothy grin: “Okay! You go first.”
Luke stood up next to the bed, facing Jesse, and picked up his notes from the bed. He began reading through the presentation, making some notes as Jesse pointed out ways he could improve. He spoke with confidence and clarity, and when he finished his section of the presentation Jesse reacted with enthusiastic applause.
“Great job!” Jesse said. “It’s so close to perfect. We can add in the few changes I mentioned and it’ll be…” Jesse kissed his fingers to his lips like a chef after preparing a masterpiece.
“Thanks, Jesse!” Luke said, beaming. He shared some more notes with Jesse about his part of the presentation as he sat down on the bed next to him. “Okay,” Luke finally said, “it’s your turn. Knock ‘em dead!”
Jesse’s face changed sudde
nly. His jaws clenched and his eyes were filled with panic. “I…” he started to say.
Luke interjected: “Remember what I said. You’re brilliant. Just talk to me about something that you know so well. Don’t worry about anything else. Just look at me. I’ll be sitting here, eager to hear what you have to say, nodding my head because you’re being so brilliant. And I’ll be doing the same thing on Friday in class. Just focus on me.”
Jesse breathed deeply and stood up in front of Luke. “Okay. Just look at you. Just talk to you.”
Jesse’s eyes were trained on Luke’s as he started to speak. He stammered slightly at the start, but moved on as Luke nodded in encouragement. Jesse was doing well. He was animated as he spoke, even adding interesting asides to the presentation as he went along. Luke could see that Jesse had been practicing his section a lot. Jesse got over his nerves within a few minutes and spoke eloquently. By the time he reached the quote at the end, Luke was ready to give him a standing ovation.
“Jesse, that was… Wow!” Luke said, jumping up to hug Jesse. He held Jesse closely. “I’m so proud of you. That was… You’re amazing, Jesse,” Luke said, turning to look into Jesse’s eyes as he maintained the hug.
“You think so?” Jesse asked, his cheeks bright pink.
“I know so!” Luke responded. He held Jesse there, looking into his eyes. Luke could feel their bodies pressing tightly against each other, their hips adjoining, their arms firmly holding each other’s bodies. They stood in silence, heat flowing between them. Luke put his hand to Jesse’s cheek. Luke’s lips were quivering slightly. He run his hands through Jesse’s blond hair.
“Do you have to go?” Jesse asked softly.
“I don’t want to go…” Luke responded. He held Jesse’s cheek with his palm, and kissed him deeply.
The room disappeared around them. There was complete silence; everything was still except for the sounds they were making. Jesse groaned softly, savoring the kiss. Luke tasted his lips and ran his hands down Jesse’s back. He pushed his body even closer to Jesse’s, every contour matching with the curves of Jesse’s physique. He could smell the sweet muskiness of Jesse’s skin. Luke pulled back and sat down on the bed, gripping Jesse’s body against his so that Jesse sat down on Luke’s lap, straddling him. Luke caught a momentary glimpse of Jesse’s brown eyes as they broke their kiss, staring deeply. “I want to stay here with you,” Luke said, and they fell back on the bed together, Jesse on top of Luke.
Their kissing intensified, passion overflowing. Jesse ran his hands over Luke’s chest, caressing every ridge and valley of his torso. “I don’t want you to go, either,” Jesse said. “It’s freezing, though. Get under the blankets.” They both smiled as their faces were pressed against each other, and fumbled to open the bed and get under the covers together.
Luke watched Jesse lovingly as they lay on the pillow facing each other. A sobering thought came to him, and he said, “Jesse, I just want to lie here with you. I’ve had my share of moving too fast with guys. I want to be here with you tonight, close to you. But I want us to take our time and not do anything in a rush. Is that okay with you?” It was not like Luke to want to take things slowly. He was used to going head-first into wild situations and thinking about the consequences later. But something with Jesse was different. Luke wanted to savor each step in getting closer to Jesse. He wanted to make each moment count, and not just rush to the finish line.
Jesse smiled contentedly at Luke’s words: “I’m shocked!” he said playfully. “And a little worked up, so it’s hard to lie here next to you and not do everything I’m thinking of right now. But I really like the idea of taking things slowly with you. It was all I really wanted since that first night we hung out.”
Luke winced: “I wish I could erase how that night ended.”
Jesse held Luke’s hand under the blanket, his eyes searching Luke’s face. “I don’t want to erase any of it. It brought us here. And there’s nowhere I’d rather be.”
They drifted to sleep like that, contented, holding hands.
Chapter 24
Luke awoke to the sound of his phone buzzing. He squeezed his eyelids tightly together and wiped his face. Jesse was no longer lying next to him in the bed, and Luke could hear Jesse pleasantly humming a tune from the kitchen as sounds of the frying pan sizzling and tantalizing smells greeted him. Luke smiled as he remembered everything that had happened the night before. He had taken the next step with Jesse, and it felt right. More than right. He sat up in bed and saw sunlight break through the curtain across from him. Luke found his shoes and put them on.
His phone continued to buzz incessantly, and Luke wondered who could have been calling him so early. He found the phone on top of his books in the corner of the room. He looked at the screen and saw the name that instantly made his heart jump: Stephanie. There last encounter had been heated, but Luke was starting to imagine allowing her back into his life. Especially if they were both sick. It would help to have someone there for him who understood what he was going through, Luke thought. Even if she had hurt him greatly in the past, he felt ready to try to talk to her again.
He answered the phone with an apprehensive, “Hello?”
“Luke. I’m at the hospital,” Stephanie said plainly, her tone indecipherable. “You need to come as soon as you can. I’m in the neurology unit at the Dumisane Tshabalala Memorial. How soon can you be here?”
Luke felt the room close in around him. “What’s going on, Stephanie? Are you okay? Is something wrong?”
“I can’t tell you over the phone, Luke. You need to come and see me. The doctor is here too and he can explain everything better than I can. Ask for Dr. Richards.”
“I’ll be right there,” Luke said, hanging up and scrambling around the room frantically to pack his bag. Stephanie had sounded unsettled on the phone. Something was wrong. He had to get to her immediately.
Luke quickly realized that he hadn’t said anything to Jesse about Stephanie’s illness and the fact that he might have been sick as well. He couldn’t burden Jesse with that information before, not when Scampers was at the vet and not when they had the presentation to think about. And now he had no time to explain it all. He had to deal with this on his own, at least for the time being. He wanted to spare Jesse the pain of losing a partner, the pain Luke knew all too well. How could he be so selfish as to get closer to Jesse and then to drop a bombshell on him like this? Luke had to be sure first. And he had to care for Stephanie. Only then could he think about telling Jesse about all of it.
Luke rushed out of the bedroom, his backpack already on his shoulder. He saw Jesse’s face sink when he noticed that Luke was already dressed and ready to leave. “Hey… where are you going? Why do you have your bag with you?” Jesse asked, a hurt expression coming over his face.
“Jesse, I don’t mean to confuse you right now, but I need to go. I need to leave immediately. I’ll try and explain as soon as I can.” Luke felt terrible for not telling Jesse everything that was happening, but it was too much to think about to include Jesse at that time.
“Is something wrong? Did I do something wrong? I thought we were working together for the next two days until the presentation… Where are you going?” Jesse walked out of the kitchen, setting down the knife he was using to butter bread. He stood in front of Luke, seeming more agitated by the second.
“Jesse, it’s not you. It’s nothing you did. I just really need to leave right now. I know it’s frustrating… I wish I could explain. I had a great time last night…”
Jesse interrupted Luke, his anger finally erupting to the surface: “You had a good time and that’s all you wanted? Why can’t you tell me where you’re going? You’re giving me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech after we opened up to each other so much, and you’re telling me just to let it go?”
“This isn’t any kind of speech, Jesse. I don’t really have time to explain it to you right now.” Luke knew that he was fumbling his words. He wished that he could
set Jesse at ease, but he felt callous for leaving without telling Jesse where he was going. He knew that, with their history, Jesse wouldn’t take kindly to it.
“What am I supposed to think? You rush off the morning after we spend a night in the same bed, looking completely horrified. You don’t even give me the courtesy of telling me where you’re going. I’ve seen these signs before, from you, no less. Luke, if something’s wrong, I want to be there for you. Don’t you know that? And if you’re just trying to get away from me, you’re doing it in a very cruel way. At least Martin used to make up lies when he wanted to get away f-f-from m-m-me. Did you get spooked last night? Was it too much for you to think about starting something with me? I just don’t understand.” Jesse shook his head, his eyes glued to the ground. Luke felt completely torn. Stephanie might’ve been in real trouble, and Luke couldn’t spare any time to try and find the right words to say to Jesse without actually telling him about the fact that Stephanie was sick and needed him.
Finally, Luke blurted out: “I’ll be back as soon as I can. We need to talk about something important. I just need to deal with this right now.”
As Luke rushed out of the door and ordered a car on his phone, Jesse shouted out behind him, “I don’t think we need to talk about anything. If you can’t trust me, there’s nothing to talk about.”
Luke hated himself as he rushed to the gate, but he had to protect Jesse. If he really was sick, there was no point in letting Jesse get attached to him. He didn’t need Jesse to know about any of it. He had to focus on getting to Stephanie as soon as possible.
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