All-Nighters

by Meredith Taylor

  ***

  Jesse sat on his couch petting Scampers. The dog looked at him with a sympathetic expression, sensing that Jesse was distressed. “I’ll be okay, boy,” Jesse said to Scampers. “I just made a mistake. I thought that Luke had changed. I thought he was ready to let me into his life, to trust me. But he pulled away again, just like before. I just need to be alone. That’s the answer. I keep letting people into my heart, and they keep disappointing me.”

  Scampers moaned gently and dropped his head to Jesse’s knee. Jesse scratched his ear, looking over at some of the notes which were still left on the coffee table. Jesse’s confidence was shot. Luke had spent the entire night building him up, making him feel like he was interesting and worthwhile, and at first light Luke had bolted. Jesse remembered how keeping his eyes focused on Luke had given him the confidence to get through the entire run-through of the presentation without too many hiccups. Now, he couldn’t imagine himself doing it. Who would be there to encourage him when he felt panic rising? Jesse had a feeling in the pit of his stomach that he would stammer so much in the presentation that the entire class would laugh at him. He saw it as clear as day. He felt completely worthless again.

  Where had Luke rushed to that was so important? Jesse couldn’t help but think that Luke was trying to find an excuse to get away from him. Why did he ever imagine that Luke would want to pursue something with him anyway? He had never been able to make someone truly love him. Martin had only relied on Jesse’s kindness, never returning his affection. Jesse’s mood was lower than it had been in a long time. He collapsed back into the couch, feeling a terrible weight descend on him. He would have to stand up in front of that class in two short days. He would have to have more than a dozen sets of eyes trained on him, watching his every movement, scrutinizing him mercilessly. Luke’s words of encouragement had faded into a distant echo. Jesse felt certain that he would mess up the presentation. Even more painfully, Luke was gone without even explaining it. After Jesse had felt so close to him the night before, after falling asleep next to him, Luke had just disappeared in a flash. Jesse felt his childhood insecurities come back to haunt him, and he felt paralyzed by self-doubt. He knew that his chance of getting into graduate school all came down to doing well in the assignment for Ndlovu’s course, and if he froze in front of the class, his dream was as good as dead.

  Jesse knew that he was being unproductive, spiraling in his negative thoughts, probably overreacting. He knew that he needed to pull it together and get through the hard times no matter what. But he couldn’t see a light in that moment. Luke’s departure had triggered something deep inside of him, and the floodgates were open. Jesse realized just how much emotional strain he had taken lately, with Scampers’s health scare, letting Martin back into his life only to have him stomp on Jesse’s heart, and facing his biggest fear of talking in front of an audience. Luke rushing off was the final straw, and Jesse felt like he was coming totally undone.

  He decided to take a walk around campus to try and focus on something else for a while. Maybe a bit of distraction would be good for him. Jesse put on his coat and scarf and stepped outside, walking without direction. He passed the turnoff to Villier Street, seeing the last few remaining students enjoying the clear day. He made his way over to Elizabeth Street, watching the many magnificent student residences and seeing the yellow leaves litter the picturesque pathway. He sighed deeply, trying to push away the worry and sense of defeat. He had a lot to be grateful for, he knew that. Scampers was healthy and back home. He had passed all of his other courses well. He had grown a lot over the past term. But as hard as he tried, thoughts of Luke running out of the flat that morning overwhelmed him. Jesse looked at his phone as he turned the corner towards Donovan Square, seeing no messages from Luke. Where could he be?

  Suddenly, Jesse heard a voice that made his blood run cold. Behind him, calling his name in that sickly sweet tone, was the one person he didn’t want to see. “How are you today, sweetheart? Looking a bit under the weather. Are you still mad about what happened the other night? I hope you didn’t take it too seriously. You know I wanted to make things work with you. It was just a momentary slip.”

  Martin wore a white t-shirt with the words “Paris Je T’aime” scraweled in print over the front, and a loose green jacket. He greeted Jesse with a smile plastered on his face, and tried to kiss his cheek, but Jesse resisted.

  “I’m in a rush, Martin. And I don’t really want to talk to you,” Jesse said coldly.

  “You don’t look like you’re in a rush. In fact, you look a little crazy walking down the street staring at the ground. Are you feeling a bit blue?”

  “It’s nothing I want to talk to you about. How can you even t-t-t…”

  “…Oh Jesse, do cheer up! You’re being a complete downer. I didn’t think we were officially boyfriends yet and Luke flirted with me, okay? Are you really that upset about it? What, were you guys an item or something? Why did you look so shocked to see each other?”

  Jesse hesitated, trying to bite his tongue so that he wouldn’t say the multitude of four-letter words he wanted to lash out at Martin. Martin’s expression morphed into a mocking smile.

  “You’re not serious… You and Luke? Ha!” Martin laughed loudly, the sound boring into Jesse like a jackhammer. “What an odd couple! Well, that explains it all. No wonder he didn’t want to come back inside with me and chased after you like a lost puppy! So, are the two of you dating now? Am I so easily forgotten, Jesse dear?”

  “It’s none of your business, Martin. And you knew perfectly well what you were doing to me that night. I fell for your trap again, and it’s the last time I ever think that you’re anything more than a heartless narcissist. You don’t deserve another second of my time.” The rage made Jesse speak louder than he had intended, and some passing students turned to watch them. Martin just smirked.

  “You know it will never work out with you two, right?” Martin said. “You’re not the kind of guy someone like Luke goes for. Heck, I did myself a favor hooking up with Luke. I realized that I deserve better too. You’ve always been dragging me down, Jesse. I was just hurt because the last guy I was seeing broke up with me, and I had rose-colored glasses on when I looked back on our time together. But you’re a drag, Jesse. You’re boring. You never wanted to have fun with me, always wanting to stay home and play with your stupid dog. You were always anxious about something or other, and it got old fast. I shouldn’t feel bad at all that I’m finally moving on. And just so you know, I felt sorry for you. All of my friends felt sorry for you. I should be dating someone famous or rich. Not a moody, stuttering homebody like you. I’m not the bad guy here. I was just always looking for someone better.” Martin rolled his eyes and looked at Jesse with his arms folded across his chest. He seemed to be waiting to see how Jesse would react, if he would stand up for himself.

  Jesse took Martin’s words like a dagger to the heart. He was speechless. As much as he automatically wanted to reject what Martin was saying, there was a ring of truth to it. Martin was using all of Jesse’s insecurities against him, tearing him down completely when he already had so little confidence. Perhaps this was Martin’s retaliation for Jesse finally dropping him for good. Jesse turned on his heel, walking away from Martin at a pace that was almost a jog. He needed to get away from him, get away from everyone. Jesse wanted to crawl under a rock and disappear. He couldn’t bare being around anyone.

  Chapter 25

  Luke rushed through the large glass doors of Dumisane Tshabalala Memorial Hospital. The hospital had high ceilings and many people moving about, and Luke had to take a second to orient himself. He spotted a nurse at the reception desk with the cross and red lion insignia of the hospital on the front, and rushed over to her. “I need the neurology unit, please,” he said, out of breath. The nurse directed him to a far wing of the hospital and he moved as quickly as he could through the hallways. He felt terrible about rushing out on Jesse, not explaining where he was going. Jesse
had looked devastated when Luke was being evasive about where he was headed, but how exactly was Luke supposed to tell him everything? He couldn’t simply tell Jesse that his sister was sick, that he might be sick too, and that it would likely cut his life short. It would be far crueler to unload everything on Jesse without taking the time to explain it all. Luke couldn’t even wrap his own head around it, let alone burden Jesse with the news. He moved past the multitude of patients and staff in the hospital, scanning the walls for signs that he was headed in the right direction. The smells of powerful disinfectants pierced his nose as he walked past certain rooms. Luke pushed open double doors with the words ‘East Wing’ written on them, and entered a much quieter section of the busy hospital.

  Luke found the hallway that led to where the neurology unit was situated, and asked a nurse to direct him to Dr. Richards. The nurse instructed Luke to turn a corner and pass through another set of glass doors, and Luke nodded as he rushed off. Finally, he reached the office with the name Dr. Lionel Richards printed on the door. Luke knocked and felt all of the stress of the day crescendo into full-blown panic. He had no idea what he would find behind that door. Had something serious happened to Stephanie? Was the disease progressing? He waited, unable to stand still, until the door opened.

  As it opened he saw Stephanie, but the doctor was not there with her. “Luke, I’m glad you could come so quickly,” she said. “I have some very important news. The doctor will be back from consultations in a few minutes to talk to you. I told him you’d be around in about half an hour, so you’re still early.”

  “What’s happening, Stephanie? Are you okay?” Luke asked, barely able to get the words out in his state of worry.

  Stephanie’s expression morphed into one of concern. “I gave you the idea that something was wrong, didn’t I? I shouldn’t have done that to you. You look completely panicked! I’m sorry for scaring you like that, Luke. I just needed to tell you the news face to face. We’ve been trying a new experimental treatment out of Switzerland. Dr. Richards is one of the few South African doctors who is doing late-stage clinical trials, and the results have been… miraculous. He says that the neurological damage seems to be slowing down almost to a standstill. He’s not sure yet, but it might even be reversing. The treatment will extend my life, Luke. It might even lead to a cure in the near future.” Stephanie spoke with tears of joy in her eyes. “I needed you to know this because if you have the gene for Herrington’s disease, Dr. Richards says that the results could be even more dramatic since your disease won’t have progressed as much as mine. I’m telling you this is no longer a death sentence, Luke.”

  Luke listened to Stephanie with his mouth slightly open and his eyes wide. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. For the past while, all he had thought about was the fact that he was losing his sister and that he was possibly suffering from a degenerative disease himself. But now there was a good chance that he could live a full, long life. He didn’t have to say goodbye to Jesse. He didn’t have to give up on his dreams.

  Stephanie watched him, trying to understand what he was thinking. “Say something, Luke! I’m giving you good news!”

  Luke took a deep breath in, and as he exhaled, he broke down into uncontrollable sobs. The relief was overwhelming. He held his hands over his face and cried in happiness. Even though Luke had held on to resentment against Stephanie, the thought of losing her was still incredibly painful. Stephanie came over to hug him and he hugged her back, both of them crying together. Luke finally spoke: “I didn’t want to lose you. I never wanted to lose you. You were my best friend for my whole life. You were the one who was there for me, who gave everything to me growing up. That’s why it hurt so much when you couldn’t accept me and Barend being together. For this past year, I blamed you. I could never forgive you. I blamed you for robbing me of the only family I ever really had. I thought I didn’t love you anymore, but I always loved you, and I always wanted you to come back into my life. I always wanted to forgive you.”

  “Luke, I can never tell you how sorry I am. Now we have more time to repair what’s been broken between us. We can start over. I want to be the sister I should’ve been a year ago, when you lost someone you loved so much. I want to be your family again.”

  Luke wiped his eyes and looked at Stephanie. Her face was drenched in tears and her hair was sticking to her face. Luke pushed it away. “I thought that you were the only one I was unable to forgive over the past year,” Luke said. “But the truth is I never forgave myself either. I blamed myself for Barend’s death. I never allowed myself to accept it and to cherish the good about Barend because I was so consumed with hating you and with hating myself. It will be a long road before we rebuild our relationship, but I want to start. I want to use our new lease on life to find a way to forgive and to love again.”

  Stephanie put her hand on Luke’s arm: “I want that, too. I needed to realize that you’ll always be my little brother, and that being gay is just another part of you. And I love you just as you are. I wish I could’ve said that a year ago. I regret it every day. When you find love again, I want to support you. I want to make sure I’m there cheering you on. And now, I have the chance to be there for many more years.”

  “You might have the chance to do that sooner than you think. There is someone in my life. After all this time, I’ve met someone who makes me feel alive again. His name is Jesse. He studies with me at Ridgemont. He’s an incredible guy. We’ve had a rocky few weeks of getting to know each other, but it feels right to be with him. I can’t even describe how I feel when I’m around him. It’s like I’m living for something more than just myself. I want you to meet him, Stephanie. I haven’t told him about any of this, about you being sick and about me possibly having the gene too. I was too scared that I would put him through the same pain of losing a partner that I’ve been through. But no matter what happens, I want to be with Jesse. I don’t want to let the chance of being with him slip through my fingers.”

  Stephanie smiled reassuringly and said, “That’s wonderful to hear. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I was mistaken, misguided before about what your happiness would look like. Now I know. Seeing your face right now, as you’re talking about Jesse… that’s what it was always meant to look like. You need to be with whoever makes you this happy. And I want to be there. I want to meet him and be the big sister that you deserve. If you’ll have me back.”

  Luke and Stephanie hugged again, the pain, regret and anger of the past year momentarily forgotten as they celebrated their reunion. Luke knew that Stephanie had really changed and that she really accepted him, finally. And he was ready to forgive her, just like he was ready to forgive himself.

  They heard the door opening as they broke the hug. Dr. Richards stepped in and said, “Ah, Ms. Brennan, this must be your brother.” The doctor held out his hand to greet Luke, and after shaking Luke’s hand sat down at the desk across from them. “Now, Mr. Brennan, I gather from the tears that your sister has told you about the success of the new treatment. It really has been astounding. We’ll continue to do tests throughout this week to see just how much progress she’s made, but the symptoms have all but disappeared already and the degeneration has slowed down dramatically. I wanted to see you because if you share the same gene as your sister, I’d like to get you started on the treatment immediately. You were admitted to the hospital for fainting, but I see that we didn’t test specifically for Herrington’s disease.”

  “I’ve fainted before, doctor. A few weeks ago. If this treatment is really as good as you say it is, then I want to be tested as soon as possible. I want to know what I’m facing. I have a lot to live for right now.” Luke turned to look at Stephanie, who nodded in response.

  “Fantastic,” Dr. Richards said. “If that’s the case, I can schedule the bloodwork immediately and we could have the results in a few days. I will let you know as soon as possible. I’ll send a nurse in to take you to a consultation room and get the blood samples.
Mr. Brennan, I don’t want to give you false hope, but what I’ve seen so far from your sister and from other patients worldwide on this new treatment has been very encouraging.”

  Luke sat in thought as Dr. Richards stepped outside of the room and Stephanie sent a message on her phone while they waited for the nurse. It truly had been a rollercoaster of a month for him. So much had changed. He would never have imagined that he would be sitting in the same room as Stephanie, looking towards the future with someone like Jesse. Luke sat up in realization: he had to get in touch with Jesse, as soon as possible. He took out his phone and told Stephanie that he needed to step out to make a call. She nodded and Luke walked out of Dr. Richards’s office. He stood in the hallway of the neurology unit and dialed Jesse’s number. The phone rang three times and Luke was sent to voicemail. He tried again and he went to voicemail immediately. Why wouldn’t Jesse answer his call? Luke had to get to Jesse as soon as he could and explain everything. After the blood test, he had to make sure that Jesse knew how Luke felt about him, and knew that even if Luke had the gene for Herrington’s disease, that there was a good chance he would be okay.

  Chapter 26

  Jesse was lying on his bed with his curtains drawn, Scampers curled in a ball at his feet. Barely any light was entering the room. He had been trying to sleep since his run-in with Martin, trying to shut the world out, but his thoughts were plaguing him and keeping him awake. Martin’s words rung in his ears: … it will never work out for you and Luke… You’re not the kind of guy Luke goes for… Jesse wanted to shut his own mind off for a few minutes and not think about anything, but he remembered how Luke ran out that morning, not telling Jesse where he was going. Was Martin right? Was it all just some game to Luke like it had been for Martin all along? Was Luke just another one of the guys who was playing with Jesse’s feelings?