Jesse couldn’t believe that. The way he had felt the night before, falling asleep next to Luke, holding his hand… that was too real. But then why would Luke not just tell Jesse where he was going? Luke had tried to call Jesse a few times earlier in the day, but Jesse had decided to ignore him and then switch his phone off. He couldn’t bear to face what Luke might say to him. Would Luke reject him again over the phone? The day had robbed Jesse of all of his self-worth, and all he could do was lie there in the dark, invisible, with Scampers.
Jesse knew that in part his spiral was caused by his anxiety about the presentation. The thought of standing up in front of the class didn’t seem as scary when Luke was there to encourage him. When he had the promise that Luke would be right there next to him, or that he could focus on Luke if he became anxious, it seemed much less frightening. But now that Luke wasn’t around, the reality struck him. There was no way he would get through the entire presentation without stuttering. And when he stammered the first time, it would only get worse the more he tried to calm down. The thought of it was enough to make Jesse's stomach turn. He couldn't do it.
Jesse jumped when he suddenly heard a knock at the door. He very rarely had visitors unless it was Phillip coming over to try and convince him to go to Percy's Pub, and Jesse was not in the mood to see Phillip. He lifted a pillow over his head and tried to ignore whoever was at the door. The knocking continued and Jesse eventually got up slowly and tiptoed to the door to look through the peephole. He tried not to make a sound as he bent forward to spy through the hole. He saw a big, ice-blue eye staring back at him. Jesse's heart raced. He sat down next to the door, leaning against it, unsure of what to do. Luke had come back. He was standing right at the other side of the door. Jesse felt a mixture of anger and confusion. He was unsure of whether Luke was there to explain his erratic behavior that morning or to tell Jesse that he had made a mistake, that he didn't want to pursue a real relationship with Jesse. How could Jesse take a chance that Luke might be there to break things off with him? Jesse's confidence was already shot. In his frazzled state, he didn't know if he could face any more bad news.
Luke's voice made Jesse jolt in fright: "I know you're in there, Jesse. I could see you earlier through the peephole and I can hear you moving on the other side of the door. Let me in. We need to talk."
Jesse remained silent, leaning his head against the door. He felt defeated. All he wanted to do was let Luke in and hold him. But he was too afraid of what Luke would say to him.
“I'm sorry I ran out of here this morning like that. You looked really hurt. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. It was an emergency. I had to rush. I wanted to tell you everything, but I didn't have time.” Luke's voice was quiet and gentle. Jesse heard Luke slide down to sit next to the door as well. Their faces were only inches apart across the barrier of the wooden door.
Jesse finally spoke, his voice shaky: "Then why didn't you say so? Why couldn't you trust me with some information before running out on me? I thought you were starting to let me in."
Luke paused for a second, and said, "I wasn't sure yet if I could talk to you about what's going on. It's a lot to take in. I hadn't dealt with it myself yet."
"You can't do that to me, Luke," Jesse said. "I don't have a good history with people keeping things from me. I get paranoid. I needed you to be open with me, to talk to me. Do you know how it felt to just see you rush off after we spent the night in the same bed? After we shared so much?" Jesse felt his chest tighten and his eyes burned.
"I’m sorry. I want to tell you everything now. I've been walking around with a lot of barriers built up around me. It's been a long time since I felt like I could trust anyone. I still need to learn how to do it with you. But I want to let you in, Jesse."
"How am I supposed to believe you? I... I've been having a really rough day. A really rough few weeks, actually. How am I supposed to believe that you won't leave me? When you see who I really am, why would you want to stay with me?" Jesse held his hand up against the door, picturing Luke there. Wishing he could be in Luke's arms.
"I was at the hospital today, Jesse. My sister, Stephanie, called me. She has a rare neurological disease called Herrington’s disease. It's terminal and genetic. The doctors think I might have it too."
Jesse's heart stopped for a second. He stood up and opened the door immediately, seeing Luke sitting there on the ground, Luke’s handsome features staring back at him. "What?" Jesse said, his face filled with alarm. "Why didn't you tell me any of this?"
"I didn't know how to say it, Jesse," Luke said, standing up and facing Jesse. Luke's hair was still uncombed. He looked different to Jesse. Softer and smaller somehow. Jesse felt the overwhelming need to embrace him.
Instead, Jesse said: "How is your sister? How long have you been speaking to her? I thought you said that you were estranged."
"She asked to meet me a few weeks ago to tell me about her illness and to try and get me to have the test done. I've been having some of the symptoms..."
"Is that why you fainted when I found you that night?" Jesse interrupted.
"It might be. I haven't gotten the results yet. It's one of the symptoms of early-stage Herrington’s disease. I went to the hospital today because Stephanie told me that she had to see me, that it was important. I couldn't stop to explain it to you. I had to get to her. She's still my sister, no matter what we've been through. When I got there, she told me that she's been on a new treatment, that the effects of the disease seem to be slowed down. It might mean that she can add years to her life expectancy. It might even be a step towards a cure..."
Jesse hugged Luke and put his face into Luke's neck. "Luke... I wish I could've been there for you."
"I couldn't tell you, Jesse, because I didn't want to fall for you, to promise you a future, and then find out that I'm sick. I didn't want to do that to you. But now I know that was selfish. I want to be with you, and you deserve all the information so that you can decide if you want to be with me. I never want to leave you, but if I'm not going to be around for long, I want to be with you now."
They stood in the doorway, hugging, feeling the comfort of each other's bodies. "Come inside," Jesse finally said. "It's cold out here."
They stepped into the flat and sat down on the couch together. Jesse turned to Luke and said: "I took a walk after you left this morning. I was unsure of everything. I wasn't sure if you were coming back. I wasn't sure if I was even capable of doing the presentation. And I ran into Martin..."
"Oh no..." Luke said, an immediate frown on his face.
"The things he said to me... It was just the worst time to run into him. I felt completely worthless coming back here. I felt like I didn't deserve any of it, like I’m not good enough to get into graduate school. Like I’m not good enough to be with you."
Luke sat closer, holding Jesse's hand, and said, "You don't even know, Jesse. You have no idea how strongly I feel about you and how much I want to be with you. You have no idea what I see when I look at you. And the presentation... You blew my mind last night the way you spoke. You were made to do this. No one in that class has as much knowledge and insight into psychology as you have. Ndlovu knows that too. If you can do the presentation even half as well as you practiced it last night, you'll be the top of the list for the Clinical Psych program."
"That's the thing, though," Jesse said, biting his lip and looking to the ground, "I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can speak in front of everyone the way I spoke in front of you. My whole life I've been the quiet one, the shy one. I've relied on other things to get me through. I remembered how embarrassing it was to have people laugh at me. I remembered how easy it was to just be ignored. And now I need to present in front of Prof. Ndlovu and all of you... It's just too much."
"Jesse, no matter how things go on Friday, I want you to know how proud I am of you. You've put together one of the most impressive assignments I've seen. Your ideas, the way you think, fascinates me. And when I saw you st
anding in front of me last night, delivering the presentation, do you know what I saw?" Jesse shook his head and looked up with curiosity. Luke continued, "I saw a psychologist. That's who you are. And that's who I want you to be on Friday. I want you to go up there and show them all how much you care about people, how loving and nurturing and kind you are. I want you to go up there and show them everything you've learned and everything you have to offer. And you have a lot to offer. And I want you to go up there and love it! Love what you're doing, because you love psychology. That's what's important, and that's what will shine through. Just remember that I'll be right there with you. I'm your biggest cheerleader, and I'll never let you forget how amazing you are."
Jesse's face lit up. He hugged Luke again, realizing for the first time what Luke really meant to him. Luke helped Jesse to see his own strength. Jesse's heart was full in that moment. He held Luke tightly for a few moments, but then bent back with a frown on his face. "But how are we going to get it all ready in time? We have a day left and we still have to finish two sections of the assignment and do run-throughs of the presentation."
Luke smiled and said, "I guess we'll just have to pull a few more all-nighters."
Chapter 27
The day of the presentation finally arrived. Luke and Jesse had been up all night and had been surprised to see rays of sunlight break through the curtains. The previous day had passed in a blur of frenzied preparation, formatting, editing and rehearsing the presentation. Jesse and Luke hadn’t stopped working, and just as the sun came up on Friday morning, they had printed the final version of their written assignment and had prepared all of the notes for their presentation.
“I can’t believe it’s over,” Jesse said with a sigh. They were sitting on his bed, their notes and books scattered all over Jesse’s desk and the floor. “We made it.”
“It’s not done yet,” Luke replied. “We still have the presentation to do in…” he paused to look at the time on his phone, “…about four hours. It’s seven in the morning already! We need to be in class in an hour and a half! How did the time slip away from us like that?”
“We were having fun,” Jesse smiled, and Luke realized that he was right. It was exhilarating to work with Jesse on the subject they both loved. They had put together a great assignment, and they both were proud of it. Jesse pursed his lips and said, “I’m just not sure how we’re going to get through it. We haven’t had any sleep!”
“I know,” Luke nodded. “I’m not even tired, though. I just feel pumped to finally get to the end of this long road. I’m looking forward to doing the presentation with you.” Luke reached over and touched Jesse’s hand gently. He could see a brief shadow pass over Jesse’s face. “Don’t be nervous. Or, at least, if you have to be nervous, know that I’m right there next to you.”
“I’m ready to do this. As ready as I’ll ever be. We can grab some energy bars and I’ll drive us to class as soon as we’re dressed.”
“I’ll go take a shower and make us some strong coffee before we go,” Luke said. “We need all the help staying awake that we can get.”
Jesse smiled and nodded as Luke grabbed his towel and toothbrush from his bag. He went to Jesse’s tiny bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked exhausted, with dark circles under his eyes and his hair a mess. He felt embarrassed that he had allowed Jesse to see him in that state. He decided that he wanted to make a better impression, and undressed to get into the shower. He stood naked in front of the mirror, catching a brief glance of his reflection. His lean, pale body was sore from sleepless nights. His beard was not as groomed as he usually kept it. And there was the scar, that S-shaped reminder of what he had been through in his past. For some reason, looking at the scar no longer brought him pain. He thought of Barend, the love they shared. He thought of the beauty Barend had brought into his life. He wanted to honor that. He wanted to live his life fully again, like he knew Barend would have wanted for him. “I’ll always love you,” he whispered, his thoughts on Barend. Luke didn’t want to chase after ghosts anymore. He didn’t want to live like he was a ghost himself. He wanted to love again, and he wanted to give that love to Jesse.
Luke stepped into the shower and felt the warm water massage his skin. He washed away the burdens he had carried for the past year. He washed away his resentment of Stephanie. It was no longer important to live only in the past. He needed to use those experiences to make a better life for himself in the present.
After he washed himself, he stepped out of the shower and dried his body. He wrapped a towel around his waist before walking back into Jesse’s room. His skin felt more alive after the heat from the shower. He felt awake, rejuvenated. As he stepped into Jesse’s room, he saw Jesse lying on the bed, snoring gently. Luke’s heart melted seeing the handsome guy who he cared about so deeply asleep on the bed. He wished that Jesse could see himself the way that Luke saw him. Luke stepped closer to Jesse, bending down over him. Jesse’s gentle blond curls hung over his forehead. His rosy, prominent cheeks and jaw made him look innocent. Luke planted a soft kiss on Jesse’s cheek, and decided to let him sleep for a few minutes longer. He deserved it after working so hard.
***
Luke and Jesse wolfed down energy bars and coffee once Jesse was showered. They gathered all of their notes and Jesse drove them to campus, not saying a word on the drive over. Jesse could feel the tension in his shoulders and he realized that he was clenching his jaw. He didn’t want to show Luke just how nervous he still was. Luke had tried so hard to comfort him before the presentation, but Jesse still felt insecure. It would be excruciating for him to stand up in front of the class. But he had no choice. He was determined to get into graduate school, and this was his chance to prove that he was worthy of it. Impressing Ndlovu, one of the senior lecturers in the department, would go a long way towards getting the postgraduate selection committee to consider him. Jesse had to suck it up and do it.
There was a nagging sense that he didn’t want to disappoint Luke. The way Luke looked at him, he knew that Luke saw potential in him that Jesse often overlooked. Jesse’s lack of self-worth had been with him for years, and it often caused him to underestimate himself. But Luke seemed so sure that Jesse could do the presentation. It added a layer of pressure that Jesse couldn’t ignore.
They parked in the lot behind the swimming stadium and walked across Donovan Square towards the Social Sciences building. Rainclouds had returned and the air had an unsettling quality, like Jesse was stuck in an old Hitchcock movie. There were almost no students left on campus as it was the last day of test season and most students had already gone on winter holiday. Jesse tried to shake thoughts of the zombie apocalypse from his mind.
Luke was walking steadily next to Jesse, clearly not knowing what to say to calm Jesse’s nerves and instead just letting silence hang between them. Finally, Luke said: “I remember when Stephanie and I were kids, soon after we moved in with my aunt. She would spend all her time with me, trying to make me feel special because I was such a weird kid. I always felt bad because I thought that she would rather be hanging out with kids her own age, not an awkward child like I was. But she stuck around.
“There was a field with trees close to our house. Stephanie took me to one tree in particular, an old oak with wonky branches. She told me that the tree was alive and was watching over us. She told me that when we sat under the tree, it meant that we would always be safe and have someone looking out for us. It made me feel better because my mother had just left, so I thought about that tree often, sat under it to draw and read all the way through high school. I was struggling to tell Stephanie that I was gay, so I had a lot on my mind. Anyway, that tree made me feel like I wasn’t alone. It made me remember those days when Stephanie looked after me and tried to make me feel better even though mom was gone.”
Jesse realized that Luke’s story had made him forget about his anxiety. It was good to get another glimpse into who Luke was. “That’s a great story,” Jesse said.
“I’d love to see that tree someday. See where you went to feel safe.”
Luke smiled broadly, “Well, how about this…” He pulled out a pen and a small notepad and scribbled on the paged. Jesse watched him with a quizzical stare. Finally, Luke revealed what he had drawn. He turned the notepad around and showed Jesse a picture of an oak tree, with two letters written on the trunk: J+L. Luke tore the page from his notebook and handed it to Jesse. “This will be our tree for now. Keep it with you during the presentation and remember that I’m right there with you.”
Jesse was touched. He felt a lump in his throat. “I’ll keep it close, Luke. Thank you.”
As he stood in front of the Social Sciences building with Luke, a familiar face caught his eye.
“Not him,” Jesse whispered, his stomach suddenly doing a front flip.
Walking down the path in front of the Social Sciences building was Martin, looking unhappy to see Jesse and Luke. He had a smug grimace on his face and watched them closely as he passed them. Luke rolled his eyes: “He’s not really trying to intimidate us or something, is he?” Martin’s grimace turned into an arrogant smile and a nod, and he shook his head in Jesse’s direction. Jesse remembered Martin’s words to him: … it will never work out for you and Luke… You’re not the kind of guy Luke goes for…
Luke’s eyes went from Martin to Jesse, and he asked Jesse: “Does he still get to you?”
Jesse shrugged: “I think he’ll always have a hold on me in some ways. I’ll just have to try to avoid him.”
“Well, let’s give him something to look at, then,” Luke said, and grabbed Jesse’s hand, waving their interlocked hands at Martin.
Martin grimaced again, this time looking even more horrified than before, and shouted out: “You two deserve each other!”
Luke laughed at Martin’s reaction, and as they walked into the building together, Luke said to Jesse, “You know what? I think he’s right. We do deserve each other.”
All-Nighters Page 18