by Vasudhendra
Not twice a week, Karthi’s libido is so high, he wants it twice a day.
‘Oh! But being older, I have some advice for you. Please be very careful to avoid untoward events. Life is very unpredictable, you never know what course it will take next,’ Ramesh said.
‘I keep telling her the same thing, but she is stubborn. She is not in favour of using condoms. She says condoms reduce pleasure.’
Will Karthi ever agree to buy a condom? No, never. We have never bought one.
‘Is she careful at least?’
‘She tells me nothing will happen to her and not to worry.’
And what can happen to Karthik? Mohanaswamy smiled as he visualized Karthik carrying around a full-blown pregnant belly!
‘Even then, please be careful.’
‘Yeah … thanks.’
‘Where does she stay? Close to your house?’
‘No, no … We stay in the same house. Living together.’
‘Oh my god … nobody raises any objection?’
‘No … in fact her parents are happy with it. They only advise us to avoid bickering with one another and live amicably.’
‘What about the landlord who has let out the house to you?’
‘Oh … My landlord’s family is very fond of us. They sometimes even give us homemade sweet dishes.’
‘I did not know that Bengaluru has moved so forward … I used to read in newspapers, but somehow never believed it.’
‘Do you see anything wrong in this?’
‘No, no … absolutely not … I can understand … But still my advice to you both is, please get married soon. It is not good to stay unmarried for long.’
‘But we have never thought of marriage!’
Ramesh was stumped once again. ‘Are you serious?’
‘To be honest, it is only pleasure that is on our minds right now. We don’t want to take the hassle of getting married and raising kids.’
‘Don’t say that. There’s so much pleasure in family life as well. You must not deprive yourselves of it.’
‘Okay, let’s see. May your blessings be on me.’
‘In fact, I can personally come over and assist you in your wedding preparations. Just give me a call,’ he said enthusiastically.
‘Many thanks, sir. I will definitely call you when the time comes.’
Ramesh pondered over what Mohanaswamy had said and found it incredulous. How different are the ways of the younger generation! Though I was deeply in love with Smitha, it took me one long year to be bold enough to kiss her. But these youngsters! They have the courage of their conviction.
Mohanaswamy immersed himself in his Kannada book again. His heart was overflowing with inexpressible joy. It had been a great pleasure to be able to converse about his love life and fantasies with someone – though a stranger – during this journey.
After lunch, Ramesh mentioned Karthika yet again. ‘Mr Mohan, if you don’t mind, can I see her photo? From what you have told me about her, she seems to be a bold girl. I am curious to see how she looks. You must be carrying her photo in your wallet.’
This caught Mohanaswamy unawares. Soon he would have to face the consequences of fabricating so many lies! Nevertheless, he gathered courage and decided to handle the situation cleverly.
‘I don’t keep her photos in my wallet,’ he said, even though two copies of Karthik’s photo were always there in his wallet. ‘She doesn’t like it. She tells me, “I should be in your heart and not in your wallet.”’
‘Oh!’ Ramesh was disappointed.
Mohanaswamy felt sorry for puncturing the man’s excitement and decided to come out with another lie. He probably had photographs of some woman in his laptop. One of them could surely pass off for Karthika.
‘Oh … I forgot … I have her photo in my laptop. I will show you,’ he said.
‘Oh, superb! Please do,’ Ramesh insisted.
‘Just give me five minutes.’
He retrieved his laptop case from the locker overhead and went and sat on another seat to avoid Ramesh’s gaze. He shuffled through the image files but they were full of his and Karthik’s pictures, taken from their digital camera at different locations. Then there were posters of handsome film heroes from Bollywood movies – Akshay Kumar in Dhadkan, Hritik Roshan in Kahon Naa… Pyaar Hai, Salman Khan in Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam and the debutant Kannada hero Sudeep in Sparsh. Not a single photo of a woman. Finally, he spotted a girl in a photo which had been clicked when Karthik and he had gone for a trek.
Karthik had a craze for trekking, but Mohanaswamy never really enjoyed it. Once, after coming back from a trek to Kumaraparvatha, he had developed an excruciating pain in his legs. Karthik had tenderly kneaded his legs to relieve the pain.
A couple of girls had taken part in the trek, whose names Mohanaswamy had now forgotten. He saw them in the pictures – in which Karthik was also present – one girl was taller than him and another one matched his height. Mohanaswamy decided to present her as Karthika. He went back to his seat and held out the laptop to Ramesh. ‘Here you go…’
‘Fantastic selection,’ said Ramesh, placing his fingers on the girl’s image. Mohanaswamy realized that he was making an oblique reference to her breasts. The girl was full-bosomed – but Mohanaswamy noticed it only now.
He had never taken a close look at her during the tour. Instead, he had found her boyfriend attractive – a tall and handsome chap. Mohanaswamy had strongly felt an urge to pull his long straight nose. He even had an earful from Karthik for stealing a glance at him.
‘Well, anyway, get married soon,’ said Ramesh. He reclined in his seat and dozed off. Mohanaswamy tried to read his book for ten more minutes but soon he too fell asleep.
A while later, Mohanaswamy woke up to an ear-splitting sound. The aircraft was making a thundering noise. He saw the crew rushing to the cabin. ‘What happened?’ a passenger asked an air hostess nervously. Without replying, she walked away hurriedly. A passenger ran behind her but when the plane started tilting to the right, he lost his balance and fell on the aisle. Suitcases began tumbling out of the overhead lockers. Ramesh too woke up to the commotion.
‘What happened?’ he asked Mohanaswamy.
‘I don’t know,’ said Mohanaswamy anxiously.
A frightened child let out a shrill cry. His mother too began weeping loudly. Passengers were thrown into utter panic when they saw an air hostess coming out of the cabin crying. Someone stopped her and shouted, ‘What happened? Please tell us.’
‘Some problem in the engine,’ she uttered and ran into the kitchen.
Extreme turbulence struck the plane. Someone began reciting religious verses aloud. Some passengers began vomiting and soon the foul smell enveloped the entire plane.
A petrified Mohanaswamy looked out of the window. Delhi’s cityscape looked vivid. He lost his nerve when he saw one of the wings almost touching a house as the plane began its descent tilting violently. ‘Over, Karthik, over, it’s all over,’ Mohanaswamy wailed as the fear of death hovered before his eyes. He prayed to god even as more and more bags were thrown out of the cabinets. ‘Fire!’ someone shouted. Some began slamming at the window panes. ‘Please don’t do that … Please!’ someone else screeched. Mohanaswamy raised his hands to cover his ears and muttered a prayer – taught by his father in his childhood, his eyes shut and face frozen in dread.
When the airplane crash-landed at the Delhi airport, Mohanaswamy experienced a back-breaking pain. He looked to his side and found Ramesh in an unconscious state. The plane had overshot the length of the runway and had ran into a muddy ground. It rammed against a huge tree with a thunderous sound. A massive fire broke out.
Not many survived the accident. Those seated in the front rows were charred beyond recognition. The pilot, co-pilot, some of the cabin crew and over forty passengers had lost their lives. Some had suffered multiple fractures and others sustained burn injuries. Mercifully, the few passengers sitting in the back rows survived. Mohanaswamy and Ramesh wer
e among the lucky ones. Mohanaswamy’s hair was burnt. Ramesh had lost consciousness.
Both the dead and the living were shifted to hospitals on stretchers. Mohanaswamy was examined for over three hours. He felt too weak to reply to queries of the nurses. He had lost the energy to even phone Karthik. When journalists surrounded him and began shooting questions, his temper ran high and he lashed out at them impatiently.
By evening, Mohanaswamy was discharged. A colleague from his office waited for him outside the hospital. Upon learning about the crash, Karthik had called up Mohanaswamy’s office in panic. They assured him that Mohanaswamy was safe and that they would pick him up from the hospital. Karthik had tried to get in touch with Mohanaswamy but to no avail. Before leaving the hospital, Mohanaswamy realized that his laptop was missing. But he did not bother to trace it. All that he wanted to do was to cry out aloud. But he could not even do that.
When Mohanaswamy was about to get into the car, he saw Ramesh near a taxi. The warm red glow of the setting sun had spread everywhere. ‘I will be back in a moment,’ he told his colleague and walked slowly towards Ramesh. They hugged. ‘We survived, Mr Mohan, we survived,’ Ramesh cried.
Before seeing him off, Mohanaswamy had to confess. ‘Sir, I need to apologize to you.’
Ramesh was clueless. ‘What for?’
‘Whatever I told you during the journey was a lie, an outright lie. Karthika is not my girlfriend. I am gay. Karthik is my partner. We are in a live-in relationship. I was never attracted to girls in my life. It is just that … I just tried to pull a fast one with you. Forgive me for that. I think that’s why god punished me like this,’ he said.
Ramesh was silent for a while. Then, pulling himself together, he patted Mohanaswamy on his back and said, ‘No problem. It’s all right. You have not committed any blunder for which you have to apologize.’
WHEN UNSPOKEN WORDS COME BACK HAUNTING
Mohanaswamy’s father, Subbaraya, had been ill for quite a while. Whenever he rang home, his mother, Subhadramma sounded worried. Mohanaswamy was aware that he would lose his father shortly. Every time the phone rang, his heart missed a beat in anticipation of the bad news. To save himself from anxiety, he would call his mother several times a day and ask about his father’s health. ‘Nothing will happen, Amma, don’t worry, everything will be all right’, he would try to console her even though he knew that his father’s days were numbered.
Last night his mother had called after midnight. ‘His condition is critical, Mohana. He is struggling to say something but due to severe chest congestion, I can only hear a deep wheezing, gurgling sound. He is continuously shedding tears in helplessness. I think his time is approaching. You come over immediately!’
‘Okay, Amma, I will start right now,’ he assured her.
But right at that time, Mohanaswamy was caught in a strange dilemma. He had been chatting with a handsome youth, Derrick, for the past few days. That night they had both agreed to meet up at Mohanaswamy’s house and Derrick had come over.
Mohanaswamy had got used to his loneliness after his long-term relationship with Karthik ended on a bitter note. After going through the emotional trauma of betrayal and separation, he had been avoiding binding relationships, though in his heart of hearts he yearned for a single, committed, sensitive companion – a soulmate.
Whenever he came across a handsome young youth, he opted to engage in a one-night stand or a fling that lasted a little longer than that. If he liked a man, he would go out with him once or twice. If there was mutual consent, they would hook up for a quickie – just a ‘Grr, hrr, thank you, sir’ kind – no strings attached. These amatory exploits were fun while they lasted. But they were not meant to be enduring. A few days would pass by and then the hunt for a new date would begin. Presently this was Mohanaswamy’s way of life.
Even then, there would be times when, after dating a man, he would think of him as an ideal partner and build castles in the air, visualizing a lifetime bond with him. But the bubble would soon burst as his dream partner would start turning down his requests for meetings, or he would be spotted on some street with his wife and children, or he would have put up a new boy’s photo on his Facebook profile. And then it would all be over, with a bitter conviction that loneliness was his true companion. ‘This is life, only this much,’ he would tell himself. ‘I should not desire for more. Desire is the root cause of pain.’ But then, if you have to suppress even the smallest of your desires, what kind of life are you living?
Mohanaswamy was getting on in years, facial wrinkles and a few strands of grey hair were beginning to show. Now, after crossing thirty-five, it was quite embarrassing to invite young men over for sex – a half an hour play in bed would drain him out. It was humiliating, shameful. But how could he rein in his inner desires? The more he tried to suppress, the more they re-emerged. Bodily compulsions would break his resolve. All his college friends were married by now, had kids, built houses and were busy working towards securing their future. Mohanaswamy had no such needs and compulsions.
Whenever he went to the bank to open fixed deposits, he would be in a quandary as to whom to appoint as a nominee. His parents were in their twilight years, it would be a foolish thing to nominate them. Once, he wrote the name of Lord Thimmappa of Tirupati in the nomination column. Maybe after my death, the bank officials will put the money in the temple hundi, he thought. And the very thought brought a smile to his lips. When the bank clerk read the god’s name against the column, he burst into laughter and showed it to his colleagues. They all laughed loudly and Mohanaswamy joined them, smiling nervously. But then he hurriedly stepped out of the bank to save himself from further embarrassment.
Fear of the future periodically shook him. Who would take care of him if he fell ill? He grew more vigilant about his health and went for regular check-ups, shelling out huge amounts of money in big corporate hospitals. He would anxiously go through the medical reports and thank his stars. ‘No, nothing … nothing has happened to me,’ he would reassure himself, heaving a big sigh of relief. And life would go on.
A thought occurred to him quite often. How beautiful life would be had my parents married me off to a good-looking youth at the right age! Then he could have also tied the nuptial knot in front of hundreds of people, seeking their blessings. He would have walked freely into the bedroom on the first night with his life partner, without hesitation, without guilt. He would have led a happy, normal life just like others. Who said the ultimate purpose of marriage is to beget children? Who set these selfish rules that the child has to be a biological offspring? For a happy, peaceful life, a human being needs another human being as a companion. Isn’t it as simple as that?
Even when he copulated with Derrick, he was under no illusions that their companionship would be long-lasting. When the stylish young man with his slender, toned body swept him off his feet, Mohanaswamy secretly wished it would last forever. Yet when his fingers traced the youthful contours of that lean body, his mind told him, this pleasure is momentary. These moments are fleeting. When his aging body squirmed in pleasure under Derrick’s youthful charms, when his love bites gave him pleasurable pain, Mohanaswamy was ashamed of himself for his perceived inability to give him the same joy in return.
Besides, the very act of sleeping with a stranger gave rise to fear and shame. However, it was always a new body that gave more happiness than a familiar one. How fast it all happened in Derrick’s case! Just exchanging a couple of messages on mobile phones, sharing some pictures on the internet and suddenly they were beside each other in bed. It simply proved the Sanskrit adage ‘Kamaturanam Na Bhayam Na Lajja’ – those overpowered by carnal desire have no fear, no shame – to be true.
Derrick was very reserved, he didn’t talk much. Assuming him to be a Christian, and assuming that all Christians spoke English, Mohanaswamy began speaking to him in English. But Derrick faltered and soon lapsed into the vernacular. Mohanaswamy did not find it proper to shoot questions at him about his back
ground, his native place, caste, creed, job and other things. After all, it was their first meeting. They could learn more about each other in subsequent meetings. They took off their clothes in frenetic zeal and stood stark naked in front of each other.
‘Shall I remove this janivara too?’ Mohanaswamy asked him, pointing to the sacred thread he had worn across his left shoulder and waist.
‘No, no need. It won’t come in the way,’ Derrick said, smiling charmingly underneath his pencil moustache.
It was past midnight when they lay exhausted after devouring each other’s bodies. A post-coital shower with Derrick was on Mohanaswamy mind, but Derrick showed no such inclination, saying he was very tired. He soon fell asleep. Mohanaswamy walked to the bathroom alone, turned the shower on and enjoyed a long, relaxing hot water bath, humming his favourite Kannada songs.
When he emerged from the bathroom, wiping himself with a towel, Derrick was not there on the bed. ‘Derrick…’ he called out. There was no reply. ‘Derrick … Derrick,’ Mohanaswamy called out several times, with a suspicion sneaking into him that something was wrong. The man was not to be seen around. He rushed to check in the other bathroom. He wasn’t there either. Startled, Mohanaswamy opened the main door. It was dark outside. Derrick’s bike, which he had parked in front of the house, was not there. His shoes were missing. He thought of calling Derrick’s number and rushed back to his room only to discover that his own mobile phone was missing! He tried his mobile number from the landline and received a switched-off message. He had not memorized Derrick’s number, he had only saved it on his cellphone.
Exhausted, Mohanaswamy slumped onto the sofa. There, he was in for another shock – he noticed that the iPad that he had kept on the coffee table was no longer there. He instantly rose, went inside the bedroom and opened the cupboard. There were condoms inside the drawer but all his cash, around thirty thousand rupees and his credit card was missing. He recalled taking out condoms from there and slipping one on himself and one on Derrick.