I snuck a glance at Josh. He was smiling just as widely as I was. He was used to the cheers from football, but he hadn’t been on stage in years. He looked even more at ease here than he did on the field. Only Brandon looked more comfortable than he did.
My exhilaration lasted another two songs. As we stared the fourth piece, I saw two figures stand up and leave, ducking as if to try to remain unnoticed. I couldn’t see a lot with the lights of the stage on us, but it looked like where my parents had been sitting. The high from earlier was swiftly replaced with a crash that came out of nowhere as I slowly took in what had just happened.
My parents had left.
I should have known that any pride or attention from them would be short-lived. I just wish they could have stayed until my solo. I was now completely distracted, and almost stopped singing entirely, not wanting my sudden warbling to mess up the others. But then, it was solo time and everyone turned their eyes to me. I tried not to notice Amanda’s eyes crinkled with worry. So she’d noticed, too. I made my way to the front of the group, heart pounding in sheer terror. I couldn’t do this. There was no way.
To say that I sucked would be an understatement. I forgot the words, I was offbeat, and I made everyone look like they were confused, when really it was just me who was an idiot. Mr. Price was barely holding in his annoyance, his smile tight as he bowed to the audience, whose applause was noticeably less enthusiastic than it had been before.
Luckily there were only a few more songs, but they lasted an eternity. I sang softly for all of them, my voice barely above a whisper as the heat of shame and embarrassment spread through my entire body.
Once we were finally done, I didn’t wait around to see what anyone had to say. As soon as we were out of the auditorium and into the hallway, I ran for the choir room, grabbed my purse and headed out into the parking lot. I ignored the noise around me, pushing past everyone, tears stinging at my eyes.
Lilly was waiting for me at my car. She pulled me into a hug and didn’t say anything, other than the magic words: ‘ice cream’. I just nodded, sniffling, and we met up ten minutes later at our favorite ice cream parlor.
“Performing is hard work,” she tried to reassure me when we were finally standing in front of the counter, contemplating the colorful display of frozen treats beneath the glass. “Not everyone can handle the pressure.”
I know she was trying to make me feel better, but it wasn’t really what I needed to hear. I had called Amanda once we’d arrived to see if she could meet us. She had been a little nicer, saying I had sounded nervous, not bad, but she was heading off for the night with Jason and couldn’t joint us. So it was just Lilly and me at the ice cream parlor. Thankfully it was nearly empty on a cold December night. At least there was no one there to see me drowning my misery in a root beer float.
The questions kept bouncing around in my head. Why had they left? Was I not as good as I thought I was? Were they embarrassed? I tried asking Lilly, but she just shrugged and shook her head. What could she say? She’d never known what it was like not to have the full attention and support of her parents. She tried talking about the latest episode of Gilmore Girls to distract me, which helped a little.
Fortified by the ice cream and Lilly’s best, though not terribly effective, efforts at consoling me, I decided to just ask my parents about it when I got home. I would stay calm and wouldn’t whine.
When I got home, however, I hesitated on the front porch considering the worst that could happen. They’d tell me I didn’t sing that well? I took a deep breath and opened the door. I could hear Jenn screaming before I had even gotten both feet inside.
“He was there, waiting to talk to you, and you were late!”
“We’ll call him and explain,” my mom was saying as I closed the door with a bang. Their voices were so loud they didn’t seem to hear it. I walked into the living room to see them all standing, facing each other. Jenn’s face was red with fury, my parents’ ashen faces looked stricken. “I’m sure the recruiter will understand.”
“Understand what? That my parents don’t care where I go to college?”
“Of course we care,” said my father, his hands on his hips, defending my mother against Jenn’s raging. “We said we’d come to the game, and we did. We didn’t know he’d be there.”
“That’s the thing. You never know when they’ll show up, so you have to be at every game.”
“We are at every game.”
“The whole game. Why did you miss the beginning?”
They looked at me, noticing for the first time that I was there.
Jenn turned to glare at me.
“You missed it for some stupid choir concert?!” Her voice was reaching a high octave that would have been impressive from a singer. From her, it was just painful.
“It was her first one,” said my mother, her voice quiet and firm. “It was important to your sister.”
“This match was important,” she said, tears appearing at the corners of her eyes. “She still has another year. And it’s not like singing will get her into college. Soccer is the only way for me, but you guys need to be there for me.”
She fled the room, not wanting us to see her cry. She hated crying in front of people.
I looked at my parents, waiting to see if they’d say anything to me. I didn’t dare hope for an apology for leaving my concert early, but I thought they might at least tell me if I’d done well for the few songs they had been able to see.
Nothing.
They collapsed onto the couch, looking as exhausted as I felt. I waited a few more minutes, but they didn’t say anything. I’d been wrong that thinking the worst that could happen was that they’d say they didn’t like it. Not saying anything was much worse. I felt tears prick at my own eyes, and wiped them away.
“Well, goodnight,” I said quietly before heading up to my room.
I hadn’t seen or heard from Luke the entire day. When I passed by his closed door, I put my ear to it. I doubted he was sleeping at nine o’clock on a Saturday night. I had a brief pang of sympathy for my parents and how difficult it must be for them to juggle three kids, all with competing demands, but my own anger and hurt took over. I didn’t bother telling them he wasn’t in there. It was their job to worry about us, not the other way around.
Chapter Fifteen
As if life wasn’t hard enough, Josh was going to the winter formal with Madison, one of the senior cheerleaders.
It was Lilly who called to tell me, going on and on about it. I didn’t want to remind her, yet again, that we’d both agreed not to go out with him. She acted like that was the only reason he wasn’t falling all over us and if we showed the slightest sign of interest, he’d be all over us. Well, all over her.
I hadn’t spoken to him since the concert. I avoided looking at him in the halls and in choir, embarrassed about what he must think of me. It had been the worst week of school ever. On Monday Mr. Price had sat me down after choir and asked me what had happened. He seemed more concerned that my performance had suddenly gone downhill in the middle of the concert, rather than making any comments about how badly I sang. I didn’t want to explain about my parents, so I just told him I had gotten nervous. Which was the truth, in a way. I nodded grimly as he said that he was giving the solo to Melissa for the competition in February.
Melissa strutted around all week with a smug smile on her face that annoyed me at first, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. She was better than me; she never would have choked like I did, so it was best for everyone if she did the solo at the competition. Amanda tried to make me feel better by talking about her boring haircut and big teeth, but it was shallow stuff. She was prettier than me, too.
“She is not prettier than you, Leah,” said Amanda at lunch on the Tuesday after the concert. Lilly was not participating in the Melissa-bashing. “You are so much nicer than her, so she’s ugly to begin with.”
I tired not to roll my eyes at the kindergarten explan
ation of things, and gave her a small, grateful smile. She was trying, but it didn’t really help my mood very much.
On Wednesday, Brandon suggested we should take a break from the lessons for a while, and my mood took an even sharper nosedive. He said since winter break started just a week later, it would give us nearly a month off before we’d have our lessons again; if I even wanted them.
“What do you mean, if I even want them?” I asked, confused. We were standing by my locker. He had come to talk to me after school before I headed to the choir room for our lesson.
I knew Josh was at his own locker and could probably hear us, but I didn’t turn my head to look. I hadn’t given much thought to the winter formal once I’d accidentally turned Brandon down, but suddenly it was at the front of my mind. Had there even been a chance that Josh would have asked me? Probably not. There wasn’t just the Lilly thing now. Add to that my total failure at choir and I could understand why Madison seemed like a better date.
“Well, is this something you really want, Leah?” I brought my attention back to Brandon. He was giving me his best teacher stare. His normal light, joking manner was gone. He looked… angry almost. Angry and disappointed. As if my performance was somehow a reflection on him. Which, in a way, I guess it was. I felt even worse now.
“Of course it is, I’m spending all this time on it,” I said.
“It’s not just time you need to spend,” he said, crossing his arms with a sigh. He leaned against the locker next to mine. “It’s something you either want or you don’t.”
“I didn’t mess up because I wanted to, Brandon,” I said, the heat in my voice matching my burning cheeks. “I want to do well.”
“Well, just think about it over break,” he said, shaking his head. He turned to go and I couldn’t help but look over at Josh. He was staring after Brandon, his mouth turned down in a frown. He probably agreed with him.
Tears pricked at my eyes, but I didn’t let them fall. Everyone was abandoning me. I knew I wasn’t as good as I thought I was. I shouldn’t have even tried; I just made it worse for everyone. Brandon was probably right and I messed up because I didn’t really want to sing. I was tempted to quit choir, but Lilly convinced me to stay.
“If you quit now, it’ll look bad on your college applications,” she said when we got together that night to work on homework. I didn’t see the point of studying now, with less than a week before winter break, but I was grateful for the distraction. “Besides, you like it, don’t you?”
I nodded. It was a slow, hesitant movement, but I nodded.
“I do,” I said. “But I let everyone down.”
“Oh calm down, Leah,” she said, rolling her eyes at me across the kitchen table. “It’s not the end of the world. Yes, it was embarrassing, but it was a concert, not a competition. Focus on making sure you’re on your game for February.”
I took a deep breath. This is what I’d needed to hear, but I hated hearing it all the same. I wanted to wallow in my misery a little longer. Lilly was going away to visit family for the break, so I would have the opportunity to pout all winter break. It was the first time I was actually looking forward to her being away. Usually, I counted the hours until she was back. It seemed like this year, all our usual traditions were breaking apart.
I wasn’t the only one who was grumpy over winter break. Jenn seemed particularly cranky despite getting acceptance letters from two schools that week. Apparently my parents being late to that all-important match hadn’t been as disastrous as she’d thought. She was holding out hope that her top pick would have someone drop out, so she had been stalling on making a commitment. It seemed like more than that, however. I considered trying to talk to her about it, but with Luke still mad about the bike thing, I didn’t want to start anything with her as well. I was grateful for the craziness of our extended family coming over, and we were able to hide our collective tense and gloomy mood over turkey and pie.
I was still feeling a little blue when Lilly got back the day before New Year’s Eve. She suggested a movie to lift my spirits. She really was a great friend. I had been able to almost forget my lingering guilt about the kiss amidst my choir failure, but it surfaced again while she was away. I decided to focus on being a better friend to her. She was stressed, too, about classes and all of her competitions. I had been too focused on myself. I told her she could pick the movie even though technically it was my turn. We kept a running list to avoid arguing when we got there.
We’d laughed and sang in the car on the way over, and it was starting to feel like a normal night. I walked into Blockbuster giggling with Lilly, feeling better than I had in weeks. And then there he was.
Josh.
He was standing behind the counter with Hot Blockbuster Guy, in the blue and yellow polo shirt and everything. They were both so beautiful it was hard to decide who to look at first. Hot Blockbuster Guy was all lean muscles, his blond hair cut short. His blue eyes were currently sparkling with laughter at something Josh was saying. Josh’s green eyes were doing that cute crinkly thing that just made me melt. They were like opposite ends of the hot spectrum. It made perfect sense they both worked here.
Hot Blockbuster Guy had been at Rosemark the year before, so he wasn’t really that much older but he had the scratchy facial hair that seemed so grown-up. Josh’s features were definitely younger; his cheeks smooth but chiseled. I was having a little trouble breathing, temporarily rendered speechless by the sight of both of them together. I couldn’t even manage a ‘hi’.
“Hey, I didn't know you worked here.” Unlike her dopey best friend, Lilly wasn't entirely speechless. I just stood there, my mouth slightly agape, staring at both of them like an idiot.
“I just started this week,” said Josh looking to Hot Blockbuster Guy. His name was actually Chase. But we never called him that. It was always Hot Blockbuster Guy. Sometimes HBG for short.
I couldn't look at either of them for much longer, afraid I’d vanish in a poof of embarrassment, so I started walking around the store looking for a movie. Lilly was happily chatting away, oblivious that I had even left her side. She was in her element talking to the two hottest boys we knew. Their attention was fully fixed on her and her long, blonde hair that she kept flipping over her shoulder. She hadn't worn anything special tonight because we weren't expecting HBG to be working. Normally, Nicole worked Fridays, but the holidays must have messed with the usual schedule. She was on the cross country team and lived on the Drive. She always gave us bonus points. There was no need to dress up for her. But even in her Juicy Couture sweats, Lilly looked amazing.
I looked down at my frayed jeans and Blink-182 hoodie and sighed. At least my hair looked pretty good today. It had somehow dried with minimum frizz, and my dark curls fell gently around my shoulders. I strolled through the aisles, not really paying attention, since Lilly was supposed to pick. I could always grab a few options to help her narrow it down. Given that her focus was not on movies right now, we might be here all night if I didn’t help move things along.
“Hey.” I heard a voice nearby and looked up, surprised to see Josh. He’d wandered away from the counter where Lilly was still talking to HBG. She was now leaning against the counter and twirling her hair around her finger. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm my frustration. He must really think we were ridiculous.
I opened my eyes to see Josh’s green ones looking at me expectantly. Oh right, he’d said ‘hi’.
“Hi,” I said, glad that the cold outside meant my cheeks were red for a reason other than embarrassment. It was the first time we’d spoken since the concert. I didn’t know if he realized that or not. “So, you’re working here now? No more babysitting?”
He shook his head.
“My parents never paid me,” he said. “And they really like Lilly, so I have the time now.”
Why had I ever suggested that she sit for them? Now that his parents liked her, it was only a matter of time before they started asking him to bring tha
t nice Lilly girl home for dinner. And with Madison his date for the winter formal, whatever had maybe been a tiny bit possible back in October was pretty much hopeless now.
“That’s great,” I said, trying not to sound as miserable as I felt. “It must be fun working here.”
He shrugged.
“It’s okay. A lot of kids from Rosemark come in. It can get a little crazy sometimes.”
I couldn’t help but smile a little. We weren’t the only ones who drooled over HBG. Now there would be two guys for everyone to come ogle.
“Hey, so I never got to tell you how well you did at the concert,” he said, not looking at me. He was double checking that the boxes on his shelf were the right ones.
I sighed heavily.
“You don’t have to be nice to me. I know I was awful,” I said, picking up a random box before dropping it back on the shelf. My Best Friend’s Wedding. Definitely not.
“You were nervous, that’s normal. It was your first show,” he said. I peeked over at him. He was smiling at me. If he was being so nice, why was he taking Madison to the winter formal? I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to hear the answer. I think I already knew it. I had blown my chance. I picked Lilly over him, which was the right thing to do, but it still sucked.
“Thanks,” I said, sadly, trying to make him understand with my eyes how much I wished that things were different. How I wished that I was different. That I wasn’t the kind of person who needed to make everyone else happy before herself.
He started to say something else, but then Lilly came over, giggling, and pulled at my arm.
“I just asked Hot Blockbuster Guy to the winter formal,” she said in a fake whisper.
“What?” I said, my head snapping away from Josh to turn my wide eyes to her. She was grinning like a maniac. Josh looked just as surprised, but quickly went back to checking the shelves.
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