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"It sounds like the truth. "
"Just a few things left out is all. What I was saying, you wont get anything official out of it, but people around the department are gonna know better. You follow me?"
"So?"
"So you couldnt ask for a better passport back onto the force is what it sounds like to me. I was talking to Eddie Koehler over at the Sixth. You wouldnt have any trouble getting em to take you on again. "
"Its not what I want. "
"Thats what he said youd say. But are you sure it isnt? All right, youre a loner, you got a hard-on for the world, you hit this stuff-" he touched his glass "-a little harder than you maybe should. But youre a cop, Matt, and you didnt stop being one when you gave the badge back. "
I thought for a moment, not to consider his proposal but to weigh the words of my reply. I said, "Youre right, in a way. But in another way youre wrong, and I stopped being a cop before I handed in my shield. "
"All because of that kid that died. "
"Not just that. " I shrugged. "People move and their lives change. "
"Well," he said, and then he didnt say anything for a few minutes, and then we found something less unsettling to talk about. We discussed the impossibility of keeping three-card monte dealers off the street, given that the fine for the offense is seventy-five dollars and the profit somewhere between five hundred and a thousand dollars a day. "And theres this one judge," he said, "who told a whole string of them hed let em off without a fine if theyd promise not to do it again. Oh, Ah promises, yo honah. To save seventy-five dollars, those assholesd promise to grow hair on their tongues. "
We had a third round of drinks, and I let him pay for that round, too, and then he went back to the station house and I caught a cab home. I checked the desk for messages, and when there werent any I went around the corner to Armstrongs, and thats where it got to be a long night.
But it wasnt a bad one. I drank my bourbon in coffee, sipping it, making it last, and my mood didnt turn black or ugly. I talked to people intermittently but spent a lot of time replaying the day, listening to Havermeyers explanation. Somewhere in the course of things I gave Jan a call to tell her how things had turned out. Her line was busy. Either she was talking to someone or she had the phone off the hook, and this time I didnt get the operator to find out which.
I had just the right amount to drink, for a change. Not so much that I blacked out and lost my memory. But enough to bring sleep without dreams.
BY the time I got down to Pine Street the next day, Charles London knew what to expect. The morning papers had the story. The line they carried was pretty much what Id expected from what Fitzroy had said. I was mentioned by name as the fellow ex-cop whod heard Havermeyers confession and escorted him in so he could give himself up for the murder of Barbara Ettinger.
Even so, he didnt look thrilled to see me.
"I owe you an apology," he said. "I managed to become convinced that your investigations would only have a damaging effect upon a variety of people. I thought-"
"I know what you thought. "
"It turned out that I was wrong. Im still concerned about what might come out in a trial, but it doesnt look as though there will be a trial. "
"You dont have to worry about what comes out anyway," I said. "Your daughter wasnt carrying a black baby. " He looked as though hed been slapped. "She was carrying her husbands baby. She may very well have been having an affair, probably in retaliation for her husbands behavior, but theres no evidence that it had an interracial element. That was an invention of your former son-in-laws. "
"I see. " He took his little walk to the window and made sure that the harbor was still out there. He turned to me and said, "At least this has turned out well, Mr. Scudder. "
"Oh?"
"Barbaras killer has been brought to justice. I no longer have to worry who might have killed her, or why. Yes, I think we can say its turned out well. "
He could say it if he wanted. I wasnt sure that justice was what Burton Havermeyer had been brought to, or where his life would go from here. I wasnt sure where justice figured in the ordeal that was just beginning for Havermeyers son and his blind ex-wife. And if London didnt have to worry that Douglas Ettinger had killed his daughter, what hed learned about Ettingers character couldnt have been monumentally reassuring.
I thought, too, of the fault lines Id already detected in Ettingers second marriage. I wondered how long the blonde with the sunny suburban face would hold her space in his desk-top photo cube. If they split, would he be able to go on working for his second father-in-law?
Finally, I thought how people could adjust to one reality after another if they put their minds to it. London had begun by believing that his daughter had been killed for no reason at all, and hed adjusted to that. Then he came to believe that she had indeed been killed for a reason, and by someone who knew her well. And hed set about adjusting to that. Now he knew that shed been killed by a near-stranger for a reason that had nothing much to do with her. Her death had come in a dress rehearsal for murder, and in dying shed preserved the life of the intended victim. You could see all that as part of some great design or you could see it as further proof that the world was mad, but either way it was a new reality to which he would surely adjust.
Before I left he gave me a check for a thousand dollars. A bonus, he said, and he assured me he wanted me to have it. I gave him no argument. When money comes with no strings on it, take it and put it in your pocket. I was still enough of a cop at heart to remember that much.
I tried Jan around lunchtime and there was no answer. I tried her again later in the afternoon and the line was busy three times running. It was around six when I finally reached her.
"Youre hard to get hold of," I said.
"I was out some. And then I was on the phone. "
"I was out some myself. " I told her a lot of what had happened since Id left her loft the previous afternoon, armed with the knowledge that Havermeyers boy Danny had attended the Happy Hours Child Care Center. I told her why Barbara Ettinger had been killed, and I told her that Havermeyers wife was blind.
"Jesus," she said.
We talked a little more, and I asked her what she was doing about dinner. "My client gave me a thousand dollars that I didnt do a thing to earn," I said, "and I feel a need to spend some of it frivolously before I piss the rest of it away on necessities. "
"Im afraid tonights out," she said. "I was just making myself a salad. "
"Well, do you want to hit a couple of high spots after you finish your salad? Any place but Blanches Tavern is fine with me. "
There was a pause. Then she said, "The thing is, Matthew, I have something on tonight. "
"Oh. "
"And its not another date. Im going to a meeting. "
"A meeting?"
"An A. A. meeting. "
"I see. "
"Im an alcoholic, Matthew. Ive got to face the fact and Ive got to deal with it. "
"I didnt have the impression that you drank that much. "
"Its not how much you drink. Its what it does to you. I have blackouts. I have personality changes. I tell myself Im not going to drink and I do. I tell myself Im going to have one drink and the next morning the bottles empty. Im an alcoholic. "
"You were in A. A. before. "
"Thats right. "
"I thought it didnt work for you. "
"Oh, it was working fine. Until I drank. This time I want to give it a chance. "
I thought for a minute. "Well, I think thats great," I said.
"You do?"
"Yes, I do," I said, and meant it. "I think its terrific. I know it works for a lot of people and theres no reason why you cant make it work. Youre going to a meeting tonight?"
"Thats right. I was at one this afternoon. "
"I thought they only had them at night. "
"They have them all the time, and all over the city. "
"How often do you
have to go?"
"You dont have to do anything. They recommend ninety meetings in the first ninety days, but you can go to more. I have plenty of time. I can go to a lot of them. "
"Thats great. "
"After the meeting this afternoon I was on the phone with somebody I knew when I was in the program last time. And Im going to a meeting tonight, and thatll get me through today, and Ill have one day of sobriety. "
"Uh-huh. "
"Thats how its done, you see. You take it one day at a time. "
"Thats great. " I wiped my forehead. It gets warm in a phone booth with the door closed. "When do those meetings end? Ten or ten thirty, something like that?"
"Ten oclock. "
"Well, suppose-"
"But people generally go out for coffee afterward. "
"Uh-huh. Well, suppose I came by around eleven? Or later, if you figure youll want to spend more than an hour over coffee. "
"I dont think thats a very good idea, Matthew. "
"Oh. "
"I want to give this a fair shot. I dont want to start sabotaging myself before I even get started. "
I said, "Jan? I wasnt planning to come over and drink with you. "
"I know that. "
"Or in front of you, as far as that goes. I wont drink when Im with you. Thats no problem. "
"Because you can stop anytime you want to. "
"I can certainly not drink when were together. "
Another pause, and when she spoke I could hear the strain in her voice. "God," she said. "Matthew, darling, its not quite that simple. "
"Oh?"
"One of the things they tell us is that were powerless over people, places and things. "
"I dont know what that means. "
"It means to avoid those elements that can increase our desire to drink. "
"And Im one of those elements?"
"Im afraid so. "
I cracked the phone booth door, let a little air in. I said, "Well, what does that mean, exactly? That we never see each other again?"
"Oh, God. "
"Just tell me the rules so Ill understand. "
"Jesus, God. I cant think in terms of never again. I cant even think in terms of never having a drink again. Im supposed to take it a day at a time, so lets do this in terms of today. "
"You dont want to see me today. "
"Of course I want to see you today! Oh, Jesus. Look, if you want to come over around eleven-"
"No," I said.
"What?"
"I said no. You were right the first time and I shouldnt be doing a number on you. Im like my client, thats all. Ive just got to adjust to a new reality. I think youre doing the right thing. "
"Do you really?"
"Yes. And if Im somebody you ought to stay away from, I think thats what youd better do for the time being. And if were supposed to get together later on, well, itll happen. "
A pause. Then, "Thank you, Matthew. "
For what? I got out of the booth and went back upstairs to my room. I put on a clean shirt and tie and treated myself to a good steak dinner at the Slate. Its a hangout for cops from John Jay College and Midtown South, but I was lucky enough not to see anyone that I knew. I had a big meal all by myself, with a martini in front and a brandy afterward.
A Stab in the Dark Page 25