Johnny & I : The Island

by Daria M Paus

  Then just as suddenly he pulled away.

  “Fuck, I’m—" his voice broke.

  He was already on his way through the door when I scrambled to a sitting position.

  "What the—"

  His broken, "I'm sorry,” echoed in my head as my pulse throbbed in my temples.

  Seriously? The little voice asked. What the hell was that?

  Sitting on the floor, I felt more confused than ever. The rational part of me whispered to me to stay the hell away from him. The other part, which had been brought to extreme highs could only think of how he would feel in my arms without the distraction of clothes.

  He wanted me, there was no doubt after feeling him on top of me.

  My legs felt like spaghetti as I got to my feet and stumbled to the door. Leaning on the doorframe I scanned the corridor. It was empty. For a few seconds, I hesitated, then went for it. He was not going to get away that easy.

  The bedroom was the last room I checked. When I pushed the door open and saw him sitting on his king-sized bed, shirt opened and chest heaving from deep breaths, my own breath caught in my throat. I swallowed.

  "Why are you doing this?”

  His head snapped up and his eyes widened as he saw me.

  "Please," he said. “Bree, I—"

  "You can't just leave me like that." The tone of my voice stunned me. Where did I find the courage to speak like this? I didn't recognize my own voice.

  He closed his eyes as if looking at me was too much to handle. "Just go. Give me a moment."

  "But—"

  "Get out." His voice was just a growl.

  "Seriously?"

  He didn't even look at me, and for some reason it annoyed me more than the words he'd spoken.

  "Asshole." I slammed the door, muttering to myself as I stomped down the corridor.

  10

  Head over heels

  I sat on the sofa, rolling a lock of hair between my fingers as he came toward me. I turned to look at him, letting the hair fall back into place.

  “I’m—"

  I got to my feet, intending to leave the room.

  "I'm sorry, don't go."

  I stopped and masked myself with self-control as I glared up at his face. Then I shook my head. "I can't do this." It was too much. He was too much, or too little. I didn't know anymore. He was like a rollercoaster, one which I couldn't allow myself to ride no matter how tempting it was.

  "I shouldn't have—" His voice broke. “Bree I’m—"

  "No!" I snapped. "You shouldn't; you know what, you're rude and… ”

  “An asshole?" He suggested.

  My cheeks flushed. I'd said it out loud this time. I grimaced.

  "I deserved that," he said.

  I sighed, flinging my hands out in frustration. "Stay away from me."

  I felt his eyes burn into my back as I walked away, but his footsteps didn’t follow. Had I expected it? Hoped for it? The feeling of disappointment made me pick up my pace, and as I slipped into the guest room I slammed the door harder than necessary. What the hell? My inner voice said. Have you lost your mind? I ignored it.

  His face haunted me as I closed my eyes. How long could I stay away from him? Eventually, I'd have to leave this room. What was I supposed to say to him? Never in my wildest imagination had I thought our meeting would play out like this. Not that I’d actually thought I'd ever see him in real life. But in my daydreams, I’d pictured it in a million different ways, all in which the outcome was far better than the reality.

  But this wasn't a dream. I was really here, stuck on an island with the number one sexiest man alive, and I couldn't decide whether I hated him—or loved him.

  Hours crept by too slow, and when I’d grown bored out of my mind, a soft knock on the door made my heart leap.

  "Bree?"

  I hoped that if I remained silent he’d get the point and leave.

  "Can I come in?"

  I sighed.

  "Please."

  "Go away!" I didn't want to see him, didn't want to have my breath stolen and my heart racing. He'd turned my whole life upside down. I'd gone through a bigger range of feelings in these few days than what I usually dealt with in years. I couldn't deal with anything more.

  The door slid open, and I briefly wondered why there were no locks on them.

  "Can I come in?"

  I looked down at my hands. "No."

  He sighed. "I panicked, I’m—" He paused, sucking in a few deep breaths before continuing. “I want to stay away from you, but I can't."

  I looked up, seeing him leaning against the doorframe, on the right side of the threshold.

  He gave me a small smile and took my breath away all over again. I’d thought the absurd reactions wouldn’t last, but I had to admit I’d been wrong.

  I caved and gestured for the empty space next to me on the bed. "Come."

  He hesitated, then came to sit next to me.

  A long silence fell between us as neither of us knew what to say. Finally, he spoke up.

  "I promised myself to never go near a woman again."

  His raw honesty made me gasp. It was so straightforward and so sudden—and the very last thing I'd expected to hear from him.

  "I've been fucked too many times by women and their empty promises. I've had it."

  I gulped, not sure I understood where he was going with this, and why he was telling me.

  He looked at me, and I tried to fight the urge to look away. "You make it hard for me to keep that promise."

  I could only stare.

  "You're—" His voice broke and he looked down at his clasped hands. "I'm sorry, I used you."

  A gasp flew from my mouth. That's what he was thinking? How could he be so blind? Wasn’t it obvious I wanted everything he was willing to give? And more.

  For the first time since the kiss, I saw him in a new light. He wasn’t the kind of guy who I, for a while, had imagined him to be, and hated him for. He was just like the rest of us. Deeply bruised by a bunch of people who we regretted letting into our lives. The ones who promised us the world and then ripped it to pieces in front of our eyes. I'd been so wrapped up in my own hurt feelings I'd totally missed the point. But thinking of it now, it made sense. I’d seen the headlines, the tabloids. I knew the things he'd gone through, the bad breakups, the betrayals, the ugliness of the female sex. I’d read the gossip and felt bad for the man, but I never saw it for what it truly was. Cuts so deep they never truly healed. Bruises, faded but still hurting years after the initial blow.

  His voice brought me back to the moment. "It will not happen again."

  "No!" I blurted and he flinched. "Don't apologize."

  I took his hand and squeezed it. I could stand the fact that I’d just made a complete fool of myself in more ways than one. I couldn't stand the fact that he seemed to think he’d done something wrong. If he only knew how right it had been, how badly my whole body was screaming for more.

  "You're not upset?" he asked at last.

  "Only about the fact that you left me on the floor gaspin’ for air."

  He actually laughed out loud, and the tension started to fade.

  "I get it," I said. And I really did. Getting involved with me was doomed to fail. Even if he wanted me in the same way I wanted him, we'd only get a few days. Then the real world would tear us apart. What was the point of starting something that we both knew would come to an end? Sooner rather than later.

  The reality hit me hard, and the tears again burned behind my eyes. I placed my hand over his, letting my thumb do small circles on his skin as I thought.

  “Johnny?” I asked.

  He raised an eyebrow in question.

  I took a deep breath, trying to prepare for the answer. “What did you mean by . . .” my voice trailed off as I was unsure of how to put it. “I keep savin' your life?”

  A small breath slipped from his lips, and he shook his head.

  “Forget that.”

  “I just passed out in f
ront of you, it can't get more embarrassin' than that." I tried to joke, but his brief smile was gone as quick as it had come.

  He looked away as if he couldn’t bring himself to meet my gaze, and the unmistakable shadow of shame came over his face.

  A little chill ran down my spine. I’d never been surer. His actions confirmed what I’d already feared. He hadn’t planned to leave this island alive. Even though it made me want to cry by the thought of it, it also explained many things. Why he hadn’t brought anything when coming here, why he hadn’t been afraid of the storm—why he hadn’t been more careful with his life . . .

  My eyes filled with tears and I struggled to not let them fall. I only managed to whisper his name, but he shook his head, silently begging me not to mention it.

  It broke my heart to think of how he must have been feeling, but I let it go. He’d already told me more than what he was comfortable with.

  “Okay,” I said instead. “Just . . . I’m not that kind of girl to gossip . . . I won’t tell anyone. You can always talk to me, and trust that it will stay between us. Okay?”

  “Okay,” he said, and the sadness in his voice was replaced by a hint of amusement.

  “You don’t believe me?”

  He seemed to consider it. “Actually, I do; how dumb is that?”

  I couldn't help but scowl, and he chuckled at my expression.

  “I’ve only just met you and I trust you more than the women I’ve known for years.”

  “Must be the soothing country-vibes. It works on the horses; seems to work on you, too.”

  Johnny crossed his arms over his chest, giving me a sideway glare. Raising an eyebrow, he asked, “You’re comparing me to a horse?”

  “You should be flattered. The most meaningful relationships I have are with the animals.”

  “They’re lucky.”

  My eyes darted to him and widened in surprise. Feeling my cheeks blush from the intensity of his gaze, I quickly averted my eyes.

  “Thank you, it means a lot.”

  ∞∞∞

  I used to say I loved him, just like any other fan would, but that was before meeting him. And really, what was I thinking? You couldn't love someone you didn't know. Admiring someone for their talent, and of course, hot looks, was something completely different. And if people, including me, would call that love, so be it.

  Watching him now, listening to his soft breathing as he slept made me feel so much more than simple admiration or attraction. It had only taken a few days for me to fall head over heels for him, just a few late nights of talking had taken care of that. It had nothing to do with his gorgeous face, which was enough reason for most girls. No, once I’d gotten to know him, I’d quickly realized he was so much more than a perfect body and looks to die for. I could easily see through the hardcore facade he put on for the rest of the world.

  Careful not to wake him, I scooted closer on the bed, reached out a hand to gently brush a strand of hair out of his face. Then instead of pulling back, I let my fingers linger.

  No matter how much I'd miss him, I’d look back at our time here and smile, I'd have to do that, no matter how hard it would be to forget him. Because that was the only option. Our lifestyles were too different. He, a world famous actor, and me, a simple farm-girl from Kentucky. Even if we’d get to meet again, there was no way it could work. So dreaming of a different outcome than what was bound to happen was pointless—but dream I did.

  What wouldn’t I give to keep him in my life? To wake up every morning with him by my side. To be able to call him mine. It was pointless to even allow myself to think of it, because that was all it could ever be. Thoughts and dreams. I was so far from the typical girls he dated, and even if he for some reason fancied my looks, there was nothing more to me that could keep his interest. I knew nothing about the city life, let alone the Hollywood life. I wouldn’t survive one day under the lens of the paparazzi and the reporters who constantly followed him around. The social awkwardness was what had started the bullying in school. I’d been outcasted from day one, simply because I was different. That had not changed, and I was certain that if I’d ever set my foot in the glamorous city, the outcome would be the same. History repeating itself. There was no way I was going to put myself through that kind of torture. Dreaming of a life with the actor wasn’t just useless—it was also stupid. It wasn’t a life for me. Still, I couldn’t help but picture myself by his side on the streets of LA.

  I knew I should go. The bed in the guest room was waiting for me, but I had only slept in it the first night. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to go there all alone, and sitting here now, watching Johnny sleep made it even harder to leave. I could stare at him forever and never grow tired of it. Soon it would be over. Maybe in the morning, the sun would shine again and the wind would be just a dim memory. And I would be off to the mainland, away from him. The thought of that almost made me hope the storm would never pass.

  I was so lost in thought I didn’t notice him waking up, and when I blinked my vision back into focus, he was looking up at me. He didn’t speak, just kept on gazing at me with those deep, dark eyes, and it felt like he could see straight into my soul. Maybe the darkness made me braver, or I was caught up in the magic of the moment, but I didn’t feel the need to look away. Nor did I feel the need to speak, though I probably should explain why the hell I was sitting on his bedside watching him in the middle of the night.

  Stalker? My mind suggested.

  Still not speaking, he shifted, pulling away the covers from where I sat and I looked at him, a questioning look in my eyes. He made a small, almost invisible nod and I knew what he meant, but I was too stunned to act.

  Millions of thoughts flashed through my head as I carefully slid down next to him in the bed. Johnny placed the covers back over both of us and I felt one arm around me, pulling me closer to him, stunning me all over again.

  I only wore a thin shirt which I’d borrowed, and the warmth from his body as my back pressed against his front made my mind spin. He let out a long breath, and the slight tremble of it gave me the impression he was struggling with his emotions as well.

  His hot breath tickled my neck as he placed a light kiss on my skin and whispered, “Stay with me tonight.”

  Had I not already been lying down I would’ve passed out right then and there. I couldn't believe it, what was he thinking? What about his broken promise to himself?

  Sleep, my mind whispered. But how could I, when all I wanted was to turn around and touch him.

  Don’t do anythin’ stupid, the little voice warned me. I drew in a deep but silent breath, trying to still my speeding pulse.

  Sleep, just sleep.

  He shifted, and the arm holding me tightened its grip. I didn’t dare to move. His breath on my neck burned like fire against my skin. His fingers twitched, brushing against my belly and the gasp that slipped from my lips made him tense. One part of me wished he would move away; the other part was silently screaming for him to touch me. Almost as if he’d read my mind, he let his hand slowly glide over me, stopping briefly as it found its way into my shirt. I held my breath, forcing myself to be still, even though the light touch zapped through my entire body like bolts of electricity. His fingers moved gently over my body, making it impossible to not react. I was sure he could hear my heart pound, and no matter how careful I was to keep silent, the tremble of my breaths as I struggled to even breathe at all, was a dead giveaway. I wanted him so badly, and I was sure he knew it. I gulped, all too aware of his hard body pressed against mine. If I’d ever doubted it before, there was no denying it now. He wanted me, too, just as bad.

  Was this really happening? Could it really—

  “Fuck.” He removed his hand, letting out a trembling breath. “I didn’t mean to—" He rolled over to his back.

  I didn’t dare to face him. I didn’t have the self-control that he had. He was right, it was the last thing we should do. Sleeping with him would only make it all worse. He knew it,
I knew it. So why was it so hard to keep myself from—

  “I should go,” I gasped.

  His hand landed on my shoulder. “Please.” His voice was barely a whisper. “Don’t go.”

  It took a long time before I dared to shift so I could see him. I managed a weak nod. How could I do anything else? There was no other place I’d rather be than in Johnny Grey’s bed. Even if it didn’t involve sex, it was still more than I’d ever dared to dream of.

  “Ok.”

  He let out a slow breath, closing his eyes, and I watched him as he seemed to struggle with his own feelings.

  My hand trembled as I slung an arm across his chest. Nuzzling my face into his neck, I murmured a soft, “I’ll stay.”

  11

  Up close & Personal

  Weak rays of sun tried to find their way through the blanket of dark clouds when we reached the beach the next day. It wasn't the same beach that he had taken me to yesterday. This beach was rocky and small, but just as impressive.

  The storm had lessened but the wind still whipped up the water in big white waves, occasionally spraying drops of water on us where we stood.

  I looked up at Johnny, smiling.

  "This place is beautiful; the whole island is. I’d give anything to own a place like this."

  On the fifteen-minute walk from the house, we’d passed a lagoon with the clearest and bluest water I’d ever seen. Then suddenly, when the jungle of palm trees thinned out, there was this little beach hidden away from the rest of the world.

  "Yeah.” He placed a hand at the small of my back. "I love it here,” he said. “It's probably the only place where I can be left alone,” he added, and I caught a touch of sadness in his voice.

  “Come, let's sit.” He guided me to a piece of stone that looked like a natural sofa with its flat smooth surface. We climbed up and sat. The waves tried to catch our feet but couldn’t quite reach, and I couldn’t help but smile.

  "It must be hard bein' the center of attention all the time.” It was more like a statement than a question, but he shrugged.