Declan took my hand in his warm, rough one and squeezed it. I leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes.
It felt like a moment of blissful calm in the center of a hurricane. It felt so strange sitting on a sofa with Declan in the middle of a very normal, very average Los Angeles home. No, not strange. It felt good. I could get used to this. Although, I figured the people who actually owned this home might have a problem with that.
I searched for a subject that didn’t involve blood or death. “You said Sara’s with the woman who raised you.”
“Yeah. Her name’s Emily.”
“She sounds nice.”
He snorted softly. “Sometimes she was. Other times, she was a real bitch. Hard as nails. It was like living with a drill sergeant.” The words were harsh, but there was grudging fondness in his voice. “I stayed with her from when I was a baby till I was about ten years old.”
“And then what happened?”
“Emily . . . I think I scared her a little. She didn’t know about vampires or what I was, so the first time I hurt myself falling out of a tree, she freaked when I healed fast and scarred from it. Got this right here.” He touched a small white scar by his right temple. “Apparently I bled so much she thought I was going to die right then and there. She cared about me, but it was too much for her. Carson came and got me.”
He said it as if it had happened to somebody else, just a story, not a tale of abandonment.
“Carson got you when you were ten?”
“Yeah. Then we traveled nonstop around the country for the next eight years as I trained to be a hunter.”
“That doesn’t sound like a lot of fun. Did you go to school?”
“Carson homeschooled me. On the subjects he thought I needed, anyway. I learned what I had to.”
“Friends?”
“Kids of other hunters. Nobody close. Let’s face it, Jill, I’ve always been a bit of a loner. Not exactly a people person, am I?”
I leaned back and looked at him, then touched the scar on his temple lightly before letting my fingertips trail down over his cheek and the rough stubble on his jaw. “You just haven’t had much of a chance.”
He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Sure it does. That kind of an upbringing can fuck a kid up.”
He grinned a little. “That’s obvious.”
My hand came to rest on his chest. He didn’t push me away. “Considering where you came from and how you were treated, I think you turned out pretty damn good.”
“Exactly the kind of boy you bring home to meet your parents, right?” he asked dryly.
That did make me laugh. “Well, not exactly.”
“What do you think your family would think of me?” His expression shadowed. “I’m sorry. I remember you said your parents passed away.”
I nodded. “Five years ago. It was rough. But if they were alive . . . I don’t know. They probably wouldn’t know what to make of you.”
“An ugly brute like me.” At my sharp look, “What? It’s the truth.”
I shook my head. “I never knew you were so vain.”
He leaned back into the sofa. “What about admitting I’m ugly is vain?”
I cocked my head to the side. “I think you hold on to your scars to distance yourself from others.”
“Is that what I do, Dr. Conrad?” He said it flippantly, but there was a guarded look in his single gray eye. Declan was tough when it came to slicing and dicing vampires, but when it came to quiet moments and conversation like this, he was a bit out of his element. But practice made perfect in many areas he was unfamiliar with.
“For the record? I don’t think you’re ugly. Or a brute.”
He blinked. “Then what am I?”
I leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “Hot as hell.”
Laughter rumbled in his chest. “Yeah, right. And I fit so well into your life.”
“Maybe not my old life. But screw that. Right now this is the only place I want to be. Here. With you.”
“Waiting for the fusing potion to take hold, in a house we’re squatting in, sitting next to a scarred up, fucked up dhampyr.”
“Pretty much.” I snuggled next to him and tried to clear my mind of anything but this moment and enjoy it for as long as I possibly could.
He stroked the hair off my forehead. “I need to go back to the park later and get Noah’s body.” His voice caught. “Damn it. He was a good kid. Getting shot in the chest was bad enough and now this? It’s so fucking unfair.”
I tensed. I hadn’t told him what I’d asked Matthias to do yet. So much for enjoying the moment.
“Declan—”
“Shh, Jill.” He pulled away from me and got up from the sofa, his heavy boots clomping against the hardwood floor. He pulled his silver knife from the sheath at his hip. “Somebody’s here.”
The next moment the front door swung open and Matthias walked in and scanned the surroundings, stopping when he came to me. “Not perfect, but better than that shoddy motel room.”
I gripped the back of the sofa as I forced myself up to my feet. I still felt weak from my attack.
“What did you do to the dhampyr?” Declan demanded.
“She ran away when I was occupied with other matters. I know there are a few members of that clan who didn’t die tonight. She’ll be fine.”
Declan’s jaw was tense. “You got your fill of her, did you?”
Matthias smiled. “You know, I’ve always been a connoisseur of human blood, but now that I’ve sampled an adult dhampyr’s it made me realize that it’s a much finer vintage. I’d watch your neck, Declan. I do get thirsty very regularly.”
Declan glared at him.
It hadn’t worked. I knew it. Noah had been too weak, too drained and he’d died.
“Is Noah’s body still at the park?” Declan asked after a moment.
Matthias glanced at me. “His body?”
“Yes, I’ll need to bury—” Declan paled visibly as the corpse in question slowly dragged his feet through the open door. My heart raced at the sight of him. He looked like hell. The wound at his throat was still there, although it had stopped bleeding and looked as if it was slowly healing. His face was gaunt, his previously light brown eyes were now black.
“Noah—” I began, and his gaze tracked to me and widened. His lips parted. While I couldn’t see fangs yet, his teeth looked sharper than before.
“Blood.” It was the one word that spilled from his mouth and it made me freeze with fear. It sounded more like the ragged voice of a monster dhamp than someone I considered a friend.
“Are you sure of this, Jillian? I warn you, the results may not be what you’re hoping for.”
I’d been warned, but I hadn’t listened.
Noah lunged across the room for me, getting close enough that I felt his hand brush against my throat, but Matthias grabbed him by the back of his shirt. With a flick of his arm, he tossed the brand-new vampire backward. Noah flew across the room and hit his head hard against the wall. A framed photo of the unfortunate family who owned this house fell to the floor and smashed. Noah crumpled to the ground unconscious.
I clamped my hand against my mouth so I wouldn’t scream.
“My apologies.” Matthias looked down at Noah’s still form. “It’s difficult for me to be close to Jillian; I can only imagine how bad it is for a fledgling.”
I barely saw Declan move, but he stormed toward Matthias, grabbing him and slamming him hard against the railing of the stairs leading to the second floor. He pressed his knife against Matthias’s chest until I could see a patch of blood appear on his white shirt.
“No, Declan!” I staggered closer to them on weak legs.
“Release me,” Matthias hissed.
“You did that to him. You changed him into a bloodsucking monster.” Declan’s face was red with rage. “I’m going to fucking kill you.”
I grabbed his arm. “Declan, stop! Don’t hurt him!”
> “Don’t you see what he did?” There was enough raw emotion in his voice to make me realize that the permanent serum he’d been given was completely worthless. Whatever Declan’s dhampyr nature was, and whatever it was evolving into, couldn’t be held back by drugs anymore.
The timing couldn’t be worse. Emotion-free Declan would have been pissed about this turn of events, but he wouldn’t look ready to destroy half of Los Angeles in his quest to sink a silver blade into Matthias’s chest.
“Yes, I see.” My voice sounded breathless. “Noah’s a vampire now. And you need to calm down before somebody gets hurt.”
“Why would you do this?” Declan snapped at Matthias. “Why would you turn him into a monster like you?”
“Declan—” I began.
His head whipped toward me. “What?”
I met his furious gaze. “He did it because I asked him to.”
10
“YOU WHAT?” THE WORDS WEREN’T SO MUCH SPOKEN as hurled at me.
I wrung my hands. “He couldn’t die, Declan. He just couldn’t. This was the only option.”
He stared at me like I was a complete stranger to him—as if we hadn’t spent the last two weeks together, sometimes nonstop in each other’s company. Declan hated vampires. He cared about Noah. Now Noah was a vampire. The two components couldn’t fit together for him.
I’d asked Matthias to do this because I’d truly believed it was the right decision. I hadn’t faltered, hadn’t had second thoughts. Until now.
I couldn’t keep a job because I didn’t follow the rules. I’d tried my best, but it rarely felt right to me. The proper rule according to Declan would have meant I let Noah die earlier tonight. Since I’d broken it, I now had to answer for my actions.
Declan pulled the blade away from Matthias’s chest. Matthias glared at him as if he wanted to tear Declan’s head off his body and use it as a paperweight. Pulling a knife on a former king didn’t show a great deal of respect.
My throat felt strained, but I had to make him understand. “Please try to see that this is for the best.”
“Noah’s a monster now, and it’s your fault.”
I flinched. My confidence in my decision was fading fast. I wished I could argue with him, but at the moment I couldn’t. I hadn’t expected a dead-eyed zombie who only looked like Noah to walk through the door.
Declan turned to look at Matthias. “What’s in it for you? Why would you do this?”
“Jillian asked me to save her friend. I agreed.”
“Out of the goodness of your heart.”
“Is that so hard for you to believe?”
“Yeah, I’m afraid it is. Especially when I see the results.” Declan shot a look toward the unconscious fledgling vampire and swore under his breath.
“He likely won’t be like that forever,” Matthias said.
“You don’t sound entirely convinced of that.”
“Fledglings either take to being a vampire within a day, or they—don’t. Noah was in bad shape, weakened and drained. I do hope for the best.”
“That’s just not good enough.”
“There are more pressing matters to deal with right now.” Matthias didn’t sound the least bit friendly or compassionate. “My brother has been awakened. Your father.”
Declan’s shoulders stiffened. “Where is he right now?”
“I don’t know. Through our bond, I felt everything, saw everything, and then it vanished from my mind. However, the moment I find out where he is, he needs to be dealt with.”
“I can’t handle this bullshit right now. I need to find Jade again.” He pressed his fingers to his temples. “I feel the violence inside me raging right now like a storm. It’s getting worse by the second. I have to figure out how to control this or something very bad is going to happen.”
He reached for the handle of the front door.
“Declan—” I ran toward him and grabbed his tense arm. “Don’t go. Please, I know you’re pissed off, but you have to understand why I—”
“Don’t touch me.” He grabbed my wrist so hard I let out a shriek of pain. Fury flashed in his gaze as his grip tightened on me. He growled and pushed me away from him so I staggered backward. “Fuck!”
He turned and smashed his fist through the lower rung of the staircase, smashing it in half, then came at me, grabbing me by my upper arms before I could scramble away from him. He pushed me up against the wall hard enough to knock the breath right out of me.
“Declan, no—”
Whatever reasoning and compassion had been in his gaze earlier was only a memory, replaced by fury. It was just like last night just before he’d torn the motel room apart. His violent and out-of-control dhampyr nature had been triggered, and it was focused on me. I was the one who’d made the decision for Noah to be sired. I was the one he blamed for it.
The hate I saw in his cold gray eye froze my insides. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t Declan. There had to be something I could do, something I could say.
“Let go of me.” I tried to sound strong and fierce.
“I want to kill you right now,” he growled, and his hand closed on my throat. “Damn it. I can’t control this.”
I shook my head, feeling hot tears streak down my cheeks.
Matthias grabbed Declan’s arm tightly, but not enough to completely pull him away. “You’re hurting her, dhampyr. I know you don’t want to do that. Stop this before I make you.”
His voice was surprisingly calm.
Declan’s broad chest heaved and his face was red with barely controlled rage. There was a soulless, sour, violent look on his face for a horrible drawn-out moment before he finally released me. I gasped for breath and put a hand to my tender throat.
Regret slid behind his gaze. “I’m sorry. I—I need to get away from you. Now.”
He turned and left the house, slamming the door behind him.
Matthias looked at me. “Let him go, Jillian.”
I would, but that would be following the rules.
I ran after Declan and caught up with him at the end of the driveway. “Wait!”
He stopped walking and looked over his shoulder at me. “Why are you following me after what I did in there?”
I swallowed hard and wiped at my face. “That wasn’t you.”
“It was me. And I’m still feeling it, Jill. Stay back from me. I don’t want to hurt you.” There was pain in his voice to replace the rage I’d heard before.
“Please, Declan, come back inside and we can deal with this.”
“I have to find Jade. I have to get to the bottom of what’s happening to me before it’s too late. And then I have to deal with this on my own.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “You’ll be back in a couple of hours though, right?”
He didn’t speak for a moment, then shook his head. “I’m not coming back.”
My breath caught. “What? You can’t say that.”
“The only reason I’ve stayed with you is to protect you from everything that could hurt you. Don’t you see that I can’t protect you from me? The way I felt in there, the way I’m still feeling.” His face was hard and tense. “I’m dangerous. To you. And I won’t stick around and see what happens next. I have enough blood on my hands without adding yours to the list.”
I was finding it difficult to breathe. “That’s the only reason you’ve stayed with me? To protect me?”
“It’s better this way, trust me. I’m better on my own and so are you.”
I shook my head, panic swirling inside me. “There has to be another way.”
“There isn’t.”
“Declan—”
His jaw clenched. “You told that fucking vampire to sire Noah and you saw the result. And you won’t even admit it was a shitty decision.”
“I did what I thought was best. It doesn’t mean you have to leave.”
“That was only the final push I needed to come to my senses.” There was no hesitation or any other indication t
hat he was having a difficult time with this decision. “Don’t make this harder on yourself.”
I finally felt a spark of anger ignite inside me. He was being irrational and reactive, wanting to run away with his tail between his legs the moment he felt something he couldn’t control. “Fine. Go. I can take care of myself. You only wanted to protect me because you knew all of this is your fault.” I twisted the words to try to hurt him as much as he was trying to hurt me. “Well, I only stayed with you so you would protect me. And I don’t need you anymore when you’re like this. I have Matthias now.”
His lips twitched into a humorless smile. “There’s the spirit. I had a feeling you were hot for the vampire after I found out what happened between you two. Can’t blame you that much. He’s everything I’m not. Go ahead and fuck his brains out. I don’t really give a shit anymore.”
His words, way crueler than mine could ever be, made my heart break. “I thought you said you were leaving?”
“I’ve been gone for a while, Jill. You just haven’t realized it yet.” He walked to the car, got in, and drove away.
I just stood there feeling bruised and shaken. He’d promised not to leave me, but he was gone and he wasn’t coming back. I touched the tears sliding down my cheeks to make sure they weren’t made of blood. They weren’t. Real tears.
I went back into the house and looked at Matthias, whose expression was unreadable. He was crouched next to Noah as if he’d been checking to make sure he was all right.
“He’s gone?” he asked.
I nodded.
And then the fusing potion kicked in, bringing me to my knees with an agonizing pain I hadn’t had a chance to prepare myself for. It didn’t even do me the courtesy of knocking me out this time. At least when I was unconscious, I couldn’t feel anything. It was a small thing to hope for.
This time I suffered. And part of me knew I deserved it.
I WAS DYING. I HAD TO BE. THE PAIN WASN’T GOING away. It froze everything out of my head—no images of Declan as he left me standing on the driveway alone. No worries about Kristoff rising up and taking over the world. No concern for Noah’s newly destroyed existence. Just pain.
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