by L A Cotton
“What do you possibly know about rock and roll?”
“I like Jagger’s voice. Everyone says I sound just like him.”
She cackled, revealing her rotten dirty teeth. “You sound like a rock star? Don’t be so ridiculous. You’re a kid. Nothing but an evil little cunt.”
“Mama,” I shrieked, clutching her arm. Rafe would be close by, he always was, and I didn’t want him to hear her cussing.
“Get off me.” She backhanded me across the face, and I crumpled to the floor, tears burning my eyes. I tried to swallow them down, but it hurt. It hurt so bad.
“You ruined my life. Do you know that kid? Your father left because he didn’t want you, Rafe’s daddy left because he couldn’t stand to look at you, and now I’m stuck with you.”
“They didn’t leave me because of me,” I screamed. “They left because of you. You’re mean and you say mean things.”
Her eyes turned black and I knew I’d messed up. I should have just kept my mouth shut. But sometimes I got so mad. I wasn’t a bad person, I wasn’t.
“What did you say to me?” She fisted my hair again, yanking me up to my feet.
“N-nothing, Ma’am. I’m sorry, I sorry. I just—ow!” Her overgrown fingernails split open my skin and I felt a warm trickle of blood.
“You’re nothing, boy, nothing. And one day, I’ll be rid of you forever.”
“Levi.” Soft fingers stroked my hair. I leaned into their touch, moaning. “Hmm...” Laughter drifted over me and I finally cracked an eye open.
“You fell asleep.” Phoebe’s smile greeted me.
My hand shot out, fisting her t-shirt, and I pulled her down to me, capturing her lips.
“Levi,” she protested, pressing her hands firmly against my chest. But I was too strong, and I needed her too fucking much.
“Just one little kiss, honeybee.” I didn’t know where we were, my head swimming with confusion. I’d been dreaming. Dark desolate dreams that made me feel hollow and weak. Opening my eyes to see her face was like a rainbow after a brutal storm. I wanted to soak it up, drown in her light.
I just wanted her.
The realization was that strong, I hooked my arms tighter around Phoebe, crushing her to me.
“Levi, what has gotten into you?” she chuckled, trying to slide her hands back to my chest and get leverage to look up at me.
“Just let me have this,” I murmured, my lips going to the shell of her ear. “I just need... fuck, Phoebe...” You, it’s you.
She held me, staying still with me in that moment. It was everything... yet, nowhere near enough.
I hadn’t had a nightmare, not in the traditional sense of the word. No, my monsters liked to hide in my dreams. To pounce when I least expected them. I could still see her face. Her twisted smile and taunting eyes. Her snarl as she berated me. You’re nothing, boy, nothing.
“You’re shaking,” Phoebe said, finally getting enough leverage to look into my eyes.
“I’ll be okay,” I murmured, sheer exhaustion creeping into every muscle.
“What happened?”
“Trust me, Bee, you’re not ready to know all my secrets.”
A frown crossed her expression. “I want to help.”
“You do,” I said with conviction. “This, you being here with me, it helps.”
We sat there for a little longer. I didn’t ask where everyone was, and she didn’t tell me. I was just relieved to have her there.
After a little while, Phoebe untangled herself from my arms. “We should probably...”
“Yeah,” I swallowed, “okay. Just give me a minute.”
“Of course, I’ll be right outside.” Phoebe kissed my cheek before leaving me. I watched her disappear down the hall and heard her exit the bus.
Running a hand down my face, I took a shuddering breath. The pit in my stomach was bottomless, making me feel nauseous. It would have been so easy to grab a bottle of liquor and try to drown my monsters. But I’d made a promise to myself—and Phoebe—to try.
After inhaling another deep breath, I went to join my bandmates. The second I stepped off the bus, I saw them all watching, waiting. But I only had eyes for Phoebe. She looked up, her worried gaze meeting mine and before I knew what I was doing, I marched toward her and pulled her into my arms. She let out a little gasp of surprise as I hugged her tight. But to my relief she hugged me right back. We stood there, in the middle of the fucking parking lot, holding each other.
Someone finally cleared their throat and I jerked away, snapping out of the spell I’d found myself under.
“Something you want to tell us?” Damon asked, not even a hint of judgment in his voice.
I glanced at Phoebe and tried to snatch my hand from hers. But she held it tighter, smiling at me.
“Yeah?” I asked, trying to understand what this meant.
Phoebe nodded, heat creeping into her cheeks.
“Okay, yeah...” When I turned back to my bandmates to explain, Hudson took one look at us, and smirked.
“About fucking time.”
Phoebe
“I... uh...” It was adorable watching a world-famous rock star stutter over his words.
I stepped forward slightly. The urge to shield him, to protect him from his bandmates’ scrutiny coursed through me.
Watching Levi whimper and startle in his sleep was one of the most heart wrenching things I’d ever witnessed, and I’d seen Zephyr OD more times than I could count.
“Is this going to be a problem?” I stared at the four of them, knowing that Eva was already on our side.
“No problem here,” Damon said.
“The only problem I have is that I’m disappointed you chose Hunter over me, Pheebs.” Hudson offered me a cocky wink.
“Rafe?” I asked but his eyes weren’t on me, they were staring right past me to his brother.
“This is a bad idea,” he said.
Levi tensed, trying to pull his hand from mine again. But I held on tighter, glancing back. The two of them were locked in some kind of silent conversation though.
“You think I don’t—”
“I’m a big girl,” I said, demanding Rafe’s attention. “I can look after myself.”
His expression hardened. “It isn’t you I’m worried about.”
The air crackled with tension. I felt Levi’s eyes drilling holes into the side of my face. But I didn’t take my eyes off Rafe.
“We’d appreciate it if you kept this between the six of us for now.”
“Seven.” Letty appeared around the corner, shooting me a warm smile.
“It’s new and I don’t want it—”
“Yeah, we got it. We know the deal.”
I bristled at Damon’s curt reply but quickly realized why he’d interrupted me.
“Ali, boy,” Hudson said. “This is a surprise.”
I snatched my hand from Levi’s and inched away from him.
“Yeah, well things got done quicker than I imagined so I decided to head down and meet you here.” He jammed his hands in his pockets. “Everything okay?” Concern filled his eyes.
“We survived without you, if that’s what you mean?” Letty raised a brow, and he chuckled, the heavy atmosphere finally dissipating.
“I never had any doubt you could steer the ship in my absence. I’m glad to see you’re okay, Phoebe.” His eyes settled on me.
“These things happen.” I shrugged.
“Yes, well they shouldn’t. We’ll be making some changes going forward. What’s the plan today then?”
“Oh, you know, braid each other’s hair and do some face masks.” Hudson scoffed. “What do you think the fucking plan is? We’re going to rock the shit out of this place.” He took off toward the arena.
“He’s as Hudson as ever, I see.”
“Actually,” Letty said, approaching Alistair with her cell in hand. “I wanted to discuss some things with you. If you have time…” The two of them took off after Hudson.
“I�
��m going to give my mom a call,” Damon added. “Catch you guys inside.” He disappeared inside the building, leaving the four of us.
Eva gave me a reassuring smile. “Why don’t we all grab some—”
“Actually, I’m going to go find Hudson.” Rafe dropped a kiss on her head. “I’ll see you later.” He barely looked at Levi or me as he took off.
“He can be a real fucking dick sometimes.” Levi blew out a strained breath.
“He’ll come around,” Eva said. “He’s just worried.”
“I don’t know what the fuck he wants from me. I’m here, I’m trying...”
“Hey,” she went to him, bracing his arms, “we know you are, and we’re all so proud of you. He just cares, Levi. Too much sometimes.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
“I’ll talk to him.”
“If anyone needs me, I’ll be on the bus.” Levi stalked off, disappearing onto the bus.
“You should go after him,” Eva said.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“He needs you, Phoebe.” She gave me a knowing smile. “You know, he was worried about you earlier, at the diner.”
“Worried ...about me?”
“You didn’t eat anything.”
“I wasn’t hungry.” I’d told Levi that already.
“I know that, and you know that, but Levi’s default setting is to think the worst. He’s a complicated guy,” Eva let out a small sigh, “more complicated than you or I will probably ever know.”
I glanced back at the bus, her words tugging at my heart strings. I’d promised myself not to end up here, yet here I was. Fallen completely down the Levi Hunter rabbit hole.
“If you ever want to vent or talk, I’m here. I know how hard it can be to care about someone like Levi.”
Yeah, because she cared too.
“Thanks, I appreciate it.” The knot in my stomach tightened.
“Go.” Eva nudged her head to the bus. “We’ll see you later.”
Inhaling a deep breath, I left her and went in search of Levi, telling myself everything would be okay.
That I wasn’t about to let history repeat itself.
“Levi?” I called out. He wasn’t sitting at the table, so I moved deeper down the bus.
“You should go, honeybee.” He sounded so defeated, so lost.
Pulling back the bunk curtain, I took his hand in mine. “Tough luck, rock star. You’re kind of stuck with me.”
He inhaled a shaky breath, his eyes shuttering. “You stood up for me.” Two dark orbs, as black as the night, stared back at me.
“Yeah, I guess I did. Don’t make me regret it.”
“Shit, Bee, you think—”
“Relax, I’m joking.” My lips curved. “Do you think there’s room for a little one?”
Levi shuffled back as far as he could go, and I climbed in beside him. It was a risk with Alistair around, but I hoped Letty and the guys would keep him occupied for the time being.
I curled into his side, shivering when he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer. “Want to talk about it?”
“What is there to say? Rafe is just waiting for me to fuck everything up again. You... the band... myself.”
“He’s just worried.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Frustration coated his words. “You think I don’t know he’s spent his entire life worrying about me. Sometimes I swear he was only born to watch over me, which is really fucking ironic considering our mom named him after an angel.”
“What?”
“Yeah... Raphael. Her beloved little angel.” He almost sneered the words. “Fuck, she loved him. Doted him on like he was her saving grace. Furnishing him with love and attention while I was left to watch from the sidelines like some fucking leper.
“I tried real fucking hard to hate that kid. From the second he was born, and I was old enough to understand that he was everything our mom ever wanted, while I was some... some monster. I tried to hate him. But he had this way of worming himself under your skin. He was so fucking cute. Like a little puppy following me around, all big desperate eyes and broken speech.” Levi’s chest heaved with the weight of his words. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to interrupt. He needed this. He needed to confide in someone, and part of me was honored he’d chosen me.
“Looking back, I think he knew I needed him, even then. He’d waddle up to me after one of mom’s tirades and wrap his tiny arms around me and hug me tight. I was his big brother, yet, in his own way, he always took care of me.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” I peeked up at Levi.
“It is what it is.” His shoulders lifted in a half shrug.
“No, it isn’t. No child should ever feel unloved by their own mother.”
“She didn’t unlove me, Bee, she hated the very bones of me. Sometimes I’m surprised she didn’t try to drown me in the bath or lace my cereal with cyanide.”
His brutal words sent a shiver down my spine. How could anyone do that... to their own child? Their flesh and blood? He was just a boy. An innocent, helpless boy.
“Levi, that’s... oh my god.” Bile washed in my stomach as my heart shattered for him.
“Don’t be sad, honeybee, she did me a favor.” But as he said the words, I saw the doubt in his eyes.
The fear.
Levi and Rafe’s mom had emotionally and psychologically damaged him. Attachment issues, substance abuse issues, depression, trust issues, his chaotic personality, it all pointed to a history of deep childhood neglect and abandonment. Now he was stuck in a cycle of negative behavior because somewhere, deep down inside himself, he truly believed he wasn’t worthy.
“You’re wrong, Levi,” I whispered, hugging him tighter, trying to swallow the rush of emotion I felt for this beautiful broken boy.
“Yeah, well, it’s too late now,” he said with heartbreaking resignation, as if he’d already written himself off and accepted his fate.
I wanted to grab him by his arms and shake him, but I knew enough to know that it wouldn’t make a difference. Levi had to see his worth, he had to believe it. Ultimately, it had to come from inside himself, not from now much I or anybody else wanted it for him.
“I’ll break your heart,” he whispered. “You know that, right? I’ll try to be good, but something will happen, and I’ll screw up. It’s just what happens. It’s who I am.”
His words were like a knife to the heart. I knew he was right. I knew that there was no way we would come out of this whole, but it was too late now. We were here and I wasn’t going to be the one to walk away.
Steeling my spine, I met his piercing gaze.
“I really hope you prove yourself wrong.”
The show was incredible. Despite the dark cloud hovering over Levi after our heart-to-heart earlier, he managed to pull off a near perfect performance.
I watched the whole thing with butterflies in my stomach. He was something else. Raw, rugged, and real, he strutted up and down the stage, stopping to sing with his brother or hop up on the podium to watch Hudson play a solo. The crowd was electric, the guys were amped, and no one outside our circle would have known anything was wrong.
“He’s on fire,” Alistair said from beside me. “It’s like he’s got something to sing for again. The guy should count himself lucky the label didn’t ship him off to rehab after that PR disaster and—”
“Excuse me, I need to use the restrooms.” I shouldered past him, almost running straight into Letty. She took one look at me and said, “Is everything okay?”
“It will be.” I nodded, taking off down the hall.
Slipping into the bathroom, I splashed some water on my face and ordered my heart to calm down. It was just Alistair being Alistair. He was a good manager, one of the best. But hearing him talk about Levi like that had caught me off guard. I’d always felt this innate need to protect Levi but now we’d acknowledged our feelings about each other, I felt like a mamma bear protecting it
s cub.
The rumble of the crowd overhead signaled the end of the show. The band would return on stage to play an encore and then we needed to be on our way.
By the time I returned, the band was just wrapping up their final song. Levi bellowed into the mic, his voice so gravelly and seductive my stomach clenched as I imagined him whispering the lyrics into my ear as he fucked me into submission. But my naughty thoughts were quickly erased by the realization that we would be travelling on separate buses. Now Alistair was back, there was no way we could sneak around so obviously.
“Hey, what’s up?” Letty nudged my shoulder.
“Nothing.” I forced a smile. “We all set?”
“Yup. We need the band out of here pronto. They’ll have to shower and eat on the bus. Duke wants to get a head start.”
“Got it.”
The band started filing off stage and the road crew leaped into action. It was hard to believe that in less than an hour it would be like we were never here.
“Hear that, Pheebs?” Hudson slung his arm over my shoulder. “That is the sound of sweet success. What did you think Ali, boy? We rocked it, right?”
“Nobody likes a bragger, Hud.” He checked his wristwatch. “We need to be on the road in thirty. Don’t make me wait.” Alistair marched off down the hall.
I shirked out of Hudson’s sweaty arm and wiped myself. “Gross.”
“Naw, don’t be like that, baby.”
A low growl came over my shoulder and I glanced back to see Levi shooting daggers at Hudson. He chuckled, holding up his hands. “Can’t help it if the ladies can’t resist me, Hunter.”
“I’ll give you a ten second head start,” Levi deadpanned. “One... two...”
“Lighten up, Lev—”
“Hud!” Damon shook his head.
“Hey.” I moved beside Levi, the urge to reach out and touch him almost too much to bear. Eva and Rafe were already tangled up in each other, making out up against the wall. Just the sight of them made my heart ache.
“Hey,” Levi said, letting his hand drop to his side and brush my fingers. I smothered a whimper.
“This is harder than I thought it would be,” I admitted, letting my hand linger against his.