by L A Cotton
“Joke.” He groaned. “Geez, I was joking.”
“Alistair, you in?”
“Actually, I’m not sure. My sister is in town.”
“Ruby?” Rafe asked.
“Yeah. She’s just passing through but wanted to see me.”
“You should invite her,” Eva said. “It’ll be nice to see her again.” We’d bumped into her at an industry thing a few weeks back.
“I’m sure Alistair already has plans,” Damon said. It came out kind of strained, which was fucking weird because Damon was the most placid of us all.
“We were going to meet up for drinks,” Ali said, “but maybe we can swing by the suite instead.”
I watched Damon. His expression was hard, guarded. There was definitely something going on. Strange, because he hadn’t whispered a word of it to me. I guess we all had our secrets though.
Damon wasn’t like me or Hudson, or even Rafe in the early days. He hadn’t hopped on the crazy train and lived and breathed the rock and roll lifestyle. Sure, he’d partied with us, hooked up with the occasional girl, and dabbled in some soft drugs here and there, but he didn’t live it. He loved the band, he loved the music, but the life... he’d always acted like he could take or leave it.
“Where’d you go just now?” Phoebe raked her nails over my jaw, commanding my attention.
“Just thinking,” I said, sucking her bottom lip into my mouth.
She smothered a whimper, wriggling on my lap.
“Do you think we have time to—”
Pressing a finger to my lips, she grinned. “Hold that thought, rock star, you have a show to do.”
“I’ll think of you, naked and waiting for me.”
Conversations went on around us as we fell deeper into our own little world.
“Didn’t you just suggest we celebrate tonight?” Her brow rose playfully.
“Yeah, but no one will notice if we disappear.”
“Levi, everyone will notice.” She chuckled.
“Are you two listening to a word I say?” Alistair’s voice was like a bucket of ice water.
“Sorry, what was that?”
Hudson snickered, and I flipped him off.
“Forget it,” Alistair grumbled. “Sometimes I don’t know why I bother.”
“I’m happy. Can’t you just try to be pleased for me?” My brow lifted.
“Levi.” There was a hint of warning in Phoebe’s voice, but not even she was going to ruin my good mood.
“It’s not going to work, Bee.” I kissed her temple. “Nothing you say, or Ali says, or anyone says is going to dampen my mood. For the first time in my life, I feel... good. I feel really fucking good. So you can all worry about me or for me, or whatever... but I don’t care.”
Quiet snickers filled the room. Eva was smiling, pride glittering in her baby blues. Letty looked fit to burst, her smile so wide anyone would have thought she’d just been crowned number one on the Hot 100. Alistair looked as miserable as fuck still, his brows knitted together with concern. But I was done worrying. I had my band. I had my brother and Eva. I had music.
And most of all, I had my girl in my arms, and she loved me.
She fucking loved me.
Phoebe
“To family, good friends, and getting fucked-up.” Hudson lifted his beer in the air and smirked. But when no one joined him, he added, “What?”
“You’re an asshole, you know that, right?” Levi snorted, his fingers massaging my thigh as I sat perched in his lap.
The show had been a huge success. The crowd in Sioux City was electric, lapping up Levi’s performance. He’d announced they had hit number one on the Hot 100 and pulled Eva out on stage to play three songs. The fans had loved it, echoes of ‘more’ and ‘encore’ rippling through the arena.
Watching them, you couldn’t help but feel the Hunter-Walker magic that everyone so often talked about. Their bond was special, their music even more so. And everyone saw the change in Levi tonight. He was lighter somehow. More animated and excited. He’d strutted across the stage, high on endorphins. But I couldn’t help the pang of worry I felt, that Levi was trading one addiction for another.
Me.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” He tucked his chin onto my shoulder, his words a low grumble meant only for my ears.
“Nothing.” I smiled back at him. His eyes held a new sparkle, but I still saw the shadows of pain. They would always be there. Until Levi took the giant step of talking to someone about his past, it would always haunt him. Nothing—not music, or his bandmates, liquor, drugs, or me—could fix that.
But he’d said nothing about seeking help, and he was so happy, I didn’t want to push him too much too soon.
“Where the fuck are Alistair and Ruby?” Hudson grumbled. “I want to crack open the champagne.”
“None of us even like champagne,” Rafe said.
“Yeah, but it’s a celebration. Can’t have a celebration without champagne.”
Just then, Damon’s cell vibrated. “It’s Ali.” He scanned the text and his brow furrowed. “They’re not going to make it. Something happened—”
“Are they okay?”
“Yeah, just says he’s sorry but that something came up he needs to take care of.” His expression darkened, only for a second, then his frown morphed into a smile as he pocketed his cell and gave the room his attention.
“Oh well, in that case.” Hudson got up and went over to the counter, retrieving the champagne from the ice bucket. “I’ll do the honors.” He popped the cork and Letty leaped up to help fill the neat rows of crystal flutes. She handed us each a glass, and I watched the liquid fizz and pop.
“Does anyone want to say a few—”
“Hey, man, I’ve got this.” Hudson shot Damon an irritated look. He puffed out his chest, running a hand through his damp hair. “Eva, Angel, Country... I won’t sugarcoat it. I thought you joining the tour was the worst idea ever—”
“What the fuck, Hud?” Rafe balked.
“Relax, man. I’ve got this.” He waved him off.
“As I was saying, I thought it was a terrible idea. We’re rock stars, baby. We didn’t need a girl tagging along, messing with our Feng shui. But I was wrong. You’re the fifth piece to our puzzle, Eva. The light to our dark. The soft to our hard. I know Rafe loves you. I know that one day, he’s going to put a ring on your finger and a baby in your stomach—”
“Oh, Jesus,” Rafe murmured. “Somebody make him stop.”
Hudson flipped him off. “You should be thanking me, bro. I seem to remember playing a vital role in operation ‘make Rafe pull his head out of his ass’.” He smirked. “Anyway, Eva, your heart might belong to Rafe, but you’ll always be a part of this band. Congratulations on your first number one hit. I can’t wait to see you soar to new heights. To the sweetheart of Country, Miss Evangeline Star Walker.”
“Eva.” Our cheers rang out through the suite, as she buried herself into Rafe’s side, her cheeks a deep shade of pink.
“Speech, speech,” Letty clapped.
“Oh no, I’m not sure—”
“Speech!” everyone yelled.
Eva rolled her eyes, shooting Letty an indignant look. But she was smiling, laughing right along with the rest of us.
“I’m not really sure how to follow that.” She beamed at Hudson. “A year ago, my best friend pushed me so far out of my comfort zone, I wanted to hate her. For a hot second, I think I did. But performin’ at the Jamesboro Talent Showdown changed my life... it changed it for the better. I got to know four guys who define the word family. Four guys who support each other through the highs and lows, and even when they’re at odds with one another, they still have each other’s back.
“It’s been a dream come true tourin’ with y’all over the last five months. I didn’t ever imagine this life, bein’ on the road, would be for me. But y’all make it so easy. I couldn’t imagine bein’ anywhere else.” She swiped the tears from her eyes. “Wow, I didn’t expect to cry. Damn you, Hudso
n.”
“It’s my specialty, making girls cry.” He frowned. “No, wait, that doesn’t—”
“Hudson!”
“Yeah, yeah, keep your hair on.”
Eva chuckled, her laughter so warm and full of love, it was hard not to be affected. The girl from a small town in Tennessee really had found her place among this bunch of misfits. They loved her and she loved them.
“You complete us, Angel,” Levi said from behind me, his words twisting something inside me. “And I’m so fucking happy my brother managed to get over himself and tell you how he felt. I love you guys.”
The room went silent, the air thick with Levi’s admission. This was a big deal. I could tell from everyone’s shocked expressions that Levi had caught them off guard.
“What?” he let out a strained chuckle.
“Nothing, man,” Rafe said, smiling. “We love you too. Always.” Eva dropped down beside her boyfriend and the two of them nodded at Levi.
It was such an intimate moment between the three of them, I felt like an outsider.
Suddenly, I felt completely out of my depth.
“Excuse me,” I said, standing. “I need a girl’s minute.”
They barely noticed as I hurried into Levi’s bedroom and went into the adjoining bathroom. Closing the door, I braced the counter, unable to withhold the torrent of emotion rising inside me.
It was silly.
So what if Levi had told his brother and Eva he loved them. He was supposed to love them. They were family.
“Phoebe?”
His voice made me flinch. I didn’t want him to see me like this, confused and upset. I didn’t even really know why I felt this way.
All I knew was, hearing them all talk like that... it was so obvious their bonds went beyond being mere bandmates. They were a family. A unit. If one of them bled, they all bled. I’d known it before, but not like this.
No matter what, they had each other… while I had no one.
It had never felt more apparent than it did in this moment.
“Bee, open the door.”
“Just a minute.” My voice cracked.
I realized my mistake the second he tried the door handle and it opened.
“Levi,” I said, turning away from him. “Please, just give a minute.”
“You’re crying?” He closed the door and stalked toward me. I felt the air shift around him, each step like a gunshot to my heart. “What is it, Bee? What’s wrong?” His hands ran over my shoulders and down my arms.
“I’m okay,” I sniffled, “I’m just being silly.”
“Hey, don’t do that. Not with me. Never with me.” Levi turned me in his arms, but I couldn’t meet his eyes.
I didn’t do this—I didn’t break down in front of my boyfriend and all his friends. I was the strong one, the fighter, the survivor.
“Honeybee, look at me.” He gripped my chin and tilted my face up to meet his. “What happened?”
“I just got overwhelmed. It’s silly.” I dried my eyes. “I’m fine now, I promise.” Forcing a weak smile, I tried to shirk out of his hold, but Levi backed me up against the counter.
“You’re family too now. You know that, right?”
His sincere words were like a sucker punch to the chest and a fresh wave of tears spilled down my cheeks. “God, I hate this,” I said. “I hate crying.”
“Ssh, Bee.” Levi pulled me into his chest, cradling me there. He didn’t speak, he just held me, letting me purge my emotions.
When the tears finally subsided, I pulled away, and gazed up at him. “Sorry about that, I don’t know what came over me.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t act like you have to protect me from everything, Phoebe. I’m here aren’t I? I’m right here, trying to be a better guy for you.”
“Levi, I—”
“You’re scared, I get it. You think I can’t handle this—whatever this—is.” His brows pinched as he released a heavy sigh. “I’m not a total asshole, Bee. Not all of the time.”
“I know that, Levi.” I brushed my thumb over his jaw. “It took me by surprise as much as you. I think... seeing you all like that tonight. Hearing Eva... You have this amazing, loyal family who will always be there. They’ll always fight for you and stand by your side. I guess it reminded me that I don’t have that.”
There was me and there was my father, and he was as emotionally unavailable as he was physically. I didn’t have a group of girlfriends to celebrate or commiserate with or talk about guys with. I had no extended family, no aunts or grandmas or cousins.
I was all alone in the world.
And until this moment, I’d thought I was okay with that.
But now I had Levi, and everyone was so set on reminding me to be careful with his feelings, to try my best to protect his fragile heart... that I hadn’t spared much thought to what would happen if I lost him.
In some ways, since I arrived on tour with the band, I’d been trying to fix Levi, to keep him whole. I was a caretaker at heart. I had an innate need to want to look after people. But I’d been so wrapped up in my feelings for Levi, the intensity between us, I’d neglected to consider one vital thing.
Who would pick up the pieces of my broken battered heart if it all went wrong?
“I’ve got you, Bee. I’ve got you.” Conviction coated Levi’s words, and I wanted so desperately to believe him.
But Levi’s feelings toward me weren’t a permanent solution, it was a temporary fix.
A Band-Aid.
And when it finally came off, would there be enough left of him to love me?
Levi
Watching Phoebe cry shifted something inside me. My feelings about her were intense. I knew that. We all knew it. But it was how I experienced emotion, in powerful unrelenting waves. I was either low, my mood dark and desperate; or I was as high as a kite, thanks to the alcohol and drugs usually pumping through my system. I cared as deeply as I hated, the lines between the two often getting blurred.
But right now, watching my girl break apart at the seams, I wanted to take away her pain. For the first time in my life, I wanted to be someone’s white knight.
The thought was so overpowering, fear snaked through my chest, taking hold of my lungs and squeezing the air right out of them. I couldn’t breathe. So much self-doubt coursing through my veins, I was paralyzed.
What if I said the wrong thing?
What if I couldn’t be who she needed me to be?
What if by loving her, I, in turn, ruined her?
A battle raged on inside my mind as I held her in my arms, wanting to absorb every ounce of her pain and take it as my own.
Phoebe hadn’t talked much about her family, her life. I knew about her ex. I knew her mom had died and her father was some movie exec off doing his thing. But it occurred to me in this moment, that I didn’t really know Phoebe. I didn’t realize how lonely she was or how afraid.
She’d turned up on tour, so fucking strong, unwilling to take any of our bullshit. My girl was a fighter. A survivor. But she was also human. She had fears and doubts and demons just like the rest of us.
And I didn’t know because I was always so fucking self-absorbed. I’d been so desperate to lose myself in her, it had never occurred to me that she might also be losing herself in me.
Fuck.
I took a shuddering breath, trying to rein in the confusing tsunami of emotions racing through me.
“Levi?” Phoebe peeked up at me, her hands pressed firmly against my chest.
“I’m okay.” I swallowed. I had to do this... I had to be the guy she deserved. Even if it was only in this moment.
“Come on,” I said. “Let’s go to bed.”
“Bed?” She frowned. “But the celebrations—”
“Can wait.” I gently tugged her into the bedroom and began peeling the clothes from her body.
My dick stirred to life, hunger gnawing deep in my stomach. I wanted her. I always wanted her. But this wasn’t about sex. It was abo
ut her. About us. It was about me trying to show Phoebe that although I had a long fucking way to go, I could be the guy she needed.
When she was standing before me in nothing but her sexy as fuck zebra print bra and matching panties, I made quick work of stripping out of my own clothes. Then I scooped her up against my chest and carried her to the bed.
Pulling back the covers, I lay Phoebe down. Her eyes ran over my shoulders, my chest, the ink covering every inch of my skin. “You’re so beautiful,” she sighed.
I don’t think I’d ever been called beautiful before in my life, but I loved how it sounded rolling off her tongue. As if I was the most precious thing she’d ever seen.
Phoebe moved over, making room for me, and I slipped in beside her. “This is nice.” She sighed, and it was so deep, so fucking uncertain, that my gut twisted.
I hooked my arm around her waist and dragged her closer, until we were nose to nose, chest to chest, skin on heated skin.
“Levi,” she breathed, her eyes fluttering closed.
“I don’t want anything from you.” Lies. I want everything from you, Bee. Every-fucking-thing. “I just want to be close, to feel your heart beating against mine.”
“For a tortured rock star, you sure know exactly the right thing to say sometimes.” She let the tip of her nose trail along my cheek. I inhaled deeply, breathing her in. Our lips moved together, seeking, searching. I didn’t want this moment to become about sex or earthly desires, I wanted it to be about her. About me showing her, I could do this.
I could just be with her.
But we fell into the kiss fast and all at once. Phoebe whimpered the second my tongue slipped past her lips and found her own. But I kept it slow. Slow lazy licks. My hand trailed over her hip and slipped into the elastic of her panties, but I didn’t go any further. I just wanted to hold her, to savor this rare moment of quiet with my girl.
My girl.
I wouldn’t ever get used to saying that. To thinking or feeling it.
Could she really love me? Accept me, flaws and all?
“What are you thinking?” I asked her as she pulled away, inhaling a deep breath.
“About my mom. I don’t let myself think about her a lot, but she’d have liked you.”