by Nicole Casey
It was sickening to imagine anyone else touching me after the connection I’d shared with Geneva but it looked like I wasn’t going to have to worry about any of that anymore.
I was going to be the god damned man I’d always sworn I wouldn’t be: stuck in Oakdale, raising kids as I mowed lawns for the rest of my life.
“Call me!” Kristy cried, her face bright and cheerful as if she hadn’t ruined my life forever but I couldn’t bring myself to respond as she got into her still running car and drove away from the cottage.
I stumbled back toward the step and allowed my ass to hit the top step as I buried my face in my hands.
There would be no way out of this. Kristy would never let me off the hook and I would be working triple shifts to support a newborn.
In my pocket, my cell dinged and I reached for it, certain it was Kristy, prepared to drive home her twisted victory.
She had done this on purpose, I was sure. But there was nothing I could do about it now.
Maybe I’m not the father, I thought hopefully but I also knew that Kristy was stupidly devoted to me. If there was another guy, I would have heard about it through the town’s incestuous grapevine.
This is my penance. I should never have let her keep coming back when I knew I didn’t feel that way about her. Dammit!
I read the text, sliding my phone into the unlock position and my head began to pound. It was from Geneva.
The words drove a stake through my heart and I began to hyperventilate.
How had I managed to make a mess of everything in less than an hour? Before the sun had set, I had been close to the happiest I’d been in my life and suddenly, I was sitting outside, pining for my own death.
I stared at the message for a long moment, unsure of how to reply.
It was a valid question. I had always thought we were a team. I had thought we were more than a team, a part of one another.
But I couldn’t deal with Geneva right now.
Maybe she was right to split us up on the contract at the Fontaine. Maybe we needed some space.
I messaged her but after ten minutes, I finally rose and headed back into the house, realizing that there was not a response coming.
“Kristy’s back.”
I closed the door behind me and looked at my roommate, again stunned at his newfound verbal diarrhea.
“Since when do you speak so much, huh?” I snapped. “And since when do you spy on me?”
Jimmy shrugged nonchalantly and turned his head back toward the television screen where Gen and I had been watching earlier.
“Jimmy?”
He nodded but he didn’t look up.
“Why are you asking about Geneva?”
Slowly, he lifted his head and stared at me with bright eyes.
“Because I’m in love with her,” he replied simply.
I exhaled in a whoosh of hot air.
That was it. I was done for the night.
9
Geneva
I didn’t tell anyone what was happening with Jude and me. I didn’t want to deal with “I told you so” I knew would accompany my venting. That’s not really fair; Elsa would never come out and say that but she would be thinking it and that was bad enough.
I stayed in my trailer over the next few days and ignored texts from everyone, knowing that I needed some brooding time.
But on the third day, when Jude didn’t come by to check on me, I grew desolate.
How could I not have seen that he resented me? I had gone out of my way to ensure that everything we’d done, we’d done together. I hadn’t called anyone from Nashville to let them know I was considering getting back into the scene.
It was just another conversation I didn’t want to have.
On Saturday night, I had drunk a six pack of Bud and passed out, the alcohol a somewhat foreign concept to my body.
It wasn’t until Jude was in bed next to me that I realized someone was in the trailer.
“Holy shit!” I screamed when he brushed the hair off my face. I swung wildly, contacting his face.
“Woah,” he cried, grabbing my wrists. “Relax. It’s just me!”
I sat up and stared at his face in the dark, willing myself to breathe normally. I had forgotten I’d given him a key.
I’d have to remember to get it back. Make a clean break.
“What are you doing here, Jude?” I whispered although I had no idea why I was whispering.
He stared at me, a strange expression on his face but he didn’t answer right away.
“Did you go to Lafayette?” I asked, shaking my head as if to clear it. I was fuzzy from the beer still and I reached for my phone to look at the time. “Tell me you didn’t fuck up and miss the show. Tell me you played tonight.”
It was after three in the morning.
“I did and that’s why I’m here,” he replied softly, sitting back. “I got offered a record deal tonight, Gen.”
Inadvertently, I laughed although that was not the reaction I’d meant to have. The combination of surprise and the surreal quality of the conversation made me feel like Alice in Wonderland.
And he’s the Mad Hatter.
He didn’t appreciate my response either and he scowled.
“Thanks.”
“No, babe, I’m sorry,” I sighed. “I’m still sleeping. Who offered you a contract? When? Where?”
“At the Fontaine. A Sony exec with too much time on his hands came to see me tonight. He had the paperwork in hand and everything. Apparently, he’s heard us sing together a few times.”
I blinked.
“But he only offered you a contract?”
He stared at me and I could see he was trying to be delicate.
“It’s not that he didn’t like your voice, Gen, it’s just – ”
“That’s great,” I said again, my voice like a razor’s edge. “I – never mind. What did you say?”
I was swimming in emotions, unsure of how I felt as I watched his face.
“Jude?”
“I said…”
“You signed it without even reading it, didn’t you?”
Why was I surprised? I should have known he would do something like that. He was impulsive. Careless. I’d always known that and now he was proving it again.
But he was being groomed by Sony and I was living in a trailer park.
He was getting out of Oakdale and I was staying behind. He was leaving me behind even though I was the one who had brought him up, worked on songs with him, inspired him and gotten him off his ass.
“I need this,” he told me pleadingly. “You don’t know the entire story but I really need this, Gen.”
I scoffed and flopped back onto the bed.
“Well, congrats. Have fun. Can I go back to bed?”
“Gen, you can come with me!”
I sprung back up.
“You’re a piece of work, you know that?” I yelled, throwing the blankets aside to get onto my knees and lash out with all the anger I’d been burning. “You expect me to jump because you said so? I told you why I came here. You think just because you and I had some sex that I’m going to drop everything and run to be with you?”
I had no right to act that way but the reason was the least of my concerns at that moment. I was lashing out in my hurt, in my confusion.
“Gen listen to me – ”
“No! You listen to me. We had our fun. Get out and don’t come back. Congrats on your contract.”
“Gen, you don’t mean that.”
“I do. I mean that. Everyone was right about you, Jude. You’re just a snake charmer. Go enjoy your fame. You deserve it.”
My voice was saturated with sarcasm and he caught every drop of it.
“Get out!” I yelled, looking for something to throw at him. “Get out! Get out! Get out!
”
He rose from the bed slowly and stared at me as if he was looking at a stranger.
“I really need – ”
“Stop fucking talking and get out!”
I settled on a pillow and whipped it at his head. He shook his head, disgust and confusion overwhelming his face.
“Okay,” he mumbled. “Okay, fine.”
He turned and left me just as I had requested.
You’re being nuts. Go after him and apologize for being such a whack job. You should be happy for him. This is what you want for him.
But it wasn’t, not in the least.
I wanted him to stay with me and write with me and be with me.
Now he’d be off to LA or New York, whisked off into the life I’d known so well and they would change him just as Nashville had changed me.
It’s not too late. It’s not too late. Get up and go.
I closed my eyes and turned onto my side, curling the blankets into my stomach and allowed the tears to flow freely down my cheeks.
This was exactly what I didn’t need. I didn’t need a man ruining my quest for inner peace, questioning my own talent and abilities.
I didn’t need someone who would just up and run at the first opportunity, an opportunity that should have been ours.
Well, it could have been yours but Sony didn’t want you, remember?
The problem was, I had no idea what I wanted anymore. As I lay, sobbing silently into my pillow, I realized that was my problem.
I had never really known what I wanted.
10
Geneva
I heard a car door outside but I sat, still wrapped in a towel, staring at the ceiling. My hair was almost dry.
They had taken their sweet ass time coming back, hadn’t they?
Who could blame them? I didn’t want to see what came next either, even though I knew exactly what I was expecting.
Ha! Expecting. Glad I still see the humor in this.
“Baby? You in here?”
“Where else was I gonna be?” I snapped back and Elsa peered at me and then looked around.
“You haven’t been drinking anymore since we left, have you?”
I scoffed and flopped sideways onto the sofa, ignoring her question but a thousand stabs of guilt pierced me as I realized what I’d been doing to myself in the past weeks.
Had I done it purposely?
I didn’t want to think about it.
“Did you get it?” I demanded.
“It’s right here,” Carrie said, tossing the CVS bag at me.
I made no move to take it even as the trio stood in a semi-circle around me, waiting for me.
“Okay, thanks. You can go now,” I sighed, knowing there was no way they were leaving me.
Carrie snickered and plopped down beside me as if to confirm what I already knew, throwing her feet up on the coffee table and reaching for a discarded guitar magazine. Of course, she had no interest in the content but she made her point clearly; no one was going anywhere until I peed on a stick.
“I’ll get you some water,” Elsa said, turning for the kitchen but I didn’t need it. I grabbed for the bag and was on my feet before she could move.
“Gen – ”
“I’ve got this,” I said, slipping into the bathroom and sliding the door shut. There was no sense in prolonging the inevitable. I’d put it off for at least three weeks, ever since I’d first noticed I was late.
I must have been pregnant before he left. That would have explained the mood swings, the need to have him stay and the desire to let him go.
The test was merely a formality. I already knew the truth and now everyone else was going to know it too.
It took no time to do the deed, my bladder cooperating fully with what needed to be done.
All that was left to do was wait.
“Gen?”
Elsa was outside the door and I could hear the concern in her voice.
“What?”
“Can I come in?”
I started to say no but I changed my mind. After all, why not? It was better than being left to my own thoughts as I waited for the sticks to appear.
Sliding open the door, I allowed her to come in and didn’t bother closing it again. It didn’t matter if the others heard. There were no secrets now.
“You should call him,” she told me. “He should be here for this.”
I scoffed.
“He made his choice to go,” I replied. “I’m not going to be the girl back home who pulls him away from his dream because I got knocked up.”
“That’s not your decision to make!” she insisted. “You owe it to your baby.”
“Hey!” I growled, pulling myself off the toilet. “Listen. All of you.”
Tentatively, Marybeth and Carrie appeared outside the door.
“Whatever happens here, this is my choice. Jude already made his when he hopped on that plane to LA. You’ll keep quiet about this until I decide what to do. Is that clear?”
They stared at me, unspeaking and my eyes narrowed.
“I’m serious!” I barked. “This is no one’s business but mine. This is a stupidly small town and the last thing I want is tongues wagging. You don’t get to tell anyone. Not even your husbands.”
“Geneva, y’all gonna need support, honey – ”Marybeth started to say.
“If you decide to keep it,” Elsa interjected, shooting the chunky brunette a warning look.
“No matter what!” Marybeth insisted. “This ain’t somethin’ you can do alone, no matter how strong you think y’all are.”
“Not a word!” I insisted. “If you can’t promise me that, get out right now.”
Their jaws dropped at my harshness but no one made a move to leave.
I exhaled slowly, my shoulders sagging.
Despite the fact they hadn’t said anything, I sensed they were on my side.
“It’ll be all right, baby,” Elsa assured me, pulling me into a hug and to my surprise my arms instinctively wrapped around her.
I hadn’t been touched since the night I’d thrown Jude out of the trailer and the feel of her comforting hug around my body almost brought tears to my eyes.
“No matter what, we’ll figure this out.”
I blinked back the tears in my eyes and nodded, clearing my throat.
“I know,” I said, reluctantly pulling back and smiling at her. “I’ve been in worse situations, haven’t I?”
Elsa didn’t answer and I could tell she couldn’t think of one off the top of her head.
“It’s time,” she murmured, gesturing toward the sink where I’d left the test.
“You look at it,” I sighed. “I don’t want to.”
“You’re a big girl now,” Elsa said firmly but I could see she already knew what it said. Gulping back the emotion in my throat I nodded and reached for the stick, inhaling sharply as I looked.
“What does it say?”
Even though I’d been expecting it, the blood still rushed from my face to my feet and I swooned slightly at the sight of the double blue lines.
“Oh honey,” someone mumbled but I’m not sure which woman it was. “What are you gonna do?”
I shook my head slowly.
There was only one thing to do, without a question.
I ran my palms across my still-flat stomach and lifted my head toward the women, sorrow coloring my face.
The expression must have told them so much and Marybeth looked away as if she was disgusted by what she saw but my best friend grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me in the eye.
“Whatever you decide,” Elsa insisted. “There will be no judgement, no – ”
“I’m gonna be a mom,” I said and there was a collective gasp. It was not the response they had been expecting.
“Are you sure?” Carrie mumbled, looking at me uncertainly. “Are you going to tell Jude?”
“No,” I replied firmly. “I’m not telling Jude and neither are you. As far as anyone will know, this
baby could be anyone’s. I’m going to Lafayette to be near Marc and you will say nothing until I announce it in a month or so, okay?”
They looked at me dumbly and I could see they didn’t agree but slowly, they began to nod, one by one.
“If you’re sure this is what you want…” Elsa said dubiously but she knew me well enough to know that once my mind was made up, there was little anyone could say to change it. She didn’t know that the “what if” had been weighing heavily in my mind since I’d first missed my period.
A plan was already underway whether I’d been consciously aware of it or not.
“It is.”
Elsa sighed heavily.
“All right, baby. We’re here for you if you decide to stay.”
“I won’t,” I replied firmly.
I should have gone home to Nola in the first place. Coming here was a mistake but from now on, there’s no more room for error, not when a baby is involved. All the screw-ups, the rebellions, the escaping, there’s no more room for that. It’s bigger than you now. It’s all about this peanut growing inside you.
I raised my head and smiled at the women and it was a genuine smile through the sick feeling in my gut.
“I won’t change my mind,” I said again, my words firm with conviction. “I’m sure about this.”
And for once in my life, I meant it.
11
Geneva
Four Years Later
“Cheyenne, I am not going to tell you again!” I yelled. “Next time, you’re gonna get a tap on your rump!”
“Wyatt ain’t got on his shoes either!” my daughter protested. “Look!”
“Wyatt,” I said between clenched teeth. “You are both trying my patience!”
“Just go,” Sara laughed as she entered the kitchen. “You’re gonna be late if you try to wrangle these two all day long.”
“Emma is expecting them,” I protested.
“I can watch them today,” she assured me. “Don’t worry.”
I looked at her gratefully and then at the time on the microwave. My sister-in-law was right. If I wasted one more minute fighting with them, I was going to lose my audition and I couldn’t afford it.