by Chy hunter
THE MISSING LINK
“The Day Planner"
Memoirs of a Twisted Mind
I had finally reached my breaking point. I began contemplating either suicide or murder. The reason behind my mental decline was my roommate. She was annoying as hell and it was causing me to lose control. It became evident that one of us had to go and as innocent as she appeared to be, it had to be her. Her smug attitude let me know that she knew the damage she was causing me. Sometimes I questioned whether others viewed her as repulsive as I did. I concluded that it was impossible for them not to. They just found ways to avoid her. She had to know how annoying I found her to be, but simply didn't care and that frustrated me even more.
It took me a long time to finally figure out exactly what it was about her that disgusted me so much. After much reflection, I remembered where the problem began. It was the first day we met. We were both selected for a one-year in house government program called Americorps. As fate would have it, we were also randomly chosen as roommates. From day one she carried around this stupid day planner. I asked her what’s with the little book.
“Oh, it’s a day planner…it was a gift” she politely replied.
I didn’t believe her for a second. Why would someone buy her a gift like that? It was clear to me and probably everyone else that she was not busy enough of a person to need something dayplanner. I don’t even need a day planner. I think she bought it herself to look important and bother the hell out of normal people like me.
There were instances where the phone would ring and she would jump up and grab her planner as if she knew it was for her. It usually was which just sent chills down my spine. How could anyone show interest in someone like her. Still, whomever she was talking to on the other end wasn’t saying anything important enough for her to write in that planner but she found a reason to write a bunch of mumbo jumbo in it anyway.
The day planner was just the beginning of my torment. She also had a watch that would go off every few hours as a reminder to take her pills. Curiosity got the better of me one day so I inquired about the pills as well.
“Hey roommate what kind of pills are those…I mean should I be afraid,” I said jokingly.
“Nah, they are just diet pills my doctor gave me to try,” she said.
That’s the other thing about her that was a bit annoying. I couldn't understand why she always had short responses to my questions when it was obvious that she was doing these things to raise questions. Her aloof attitude for attention was pathetic.
I must admit she was good with her habits. Without a watchful eye, the average person may even think that she was normal. Her daily routines would even support it. She would wake up early every morning just for a “quick run” around the block to stay in shape she says, as if she could stand to lose any more weight. Then she would purposely show me out whenever it was time for room inspection by having her entire area smelling of pine sol. So our director could ask, “What is that fresh smell?” and then she could reply, “Oh, I cleaned with pine sol” as if it was nothing special but it was to intentionally leave me out of the conversation.
Simply put she was too damn organized. But it was the day planner that she carried around religiously that opened my eyes to her madness so it was what stuck out to me more than any of her other irritating habits. I mean, for crying out loud, she would go through it each night before going to bed so that she could be properly prepared for tomorrow. That would annoy the hell out of anybody in his or her right mind. And after she finishes jotting down her crap and reading over everything, as if it were a novel, she would place the freaking thing under her pillow. She acted as if it were more holy than the bible. It was pure madness and I could not put up with it much longer.
Did I mention how she slept? She was no sleeping beauty but you couldn't tell her that. She fell asleep on her side with her hands neatly tucked under her cheek. It couldn't be comfortable she just wanted to look perfect, like an angel or something, but angels don’t snore! Everything about her was driving me crazy but I refuse to go down without a desperate fight. I was going to do my best to drive her just as crazy as she was driving me. After all she had to be a little close to the edge herself to be so damn organized and disciplined. I figured that I would start off small and then I would work my way up to the gusto. I didn't know at all what the "gusto" would be but when it was time I was sure it would be brilliant. I was determined to break even with her sickening ways to the point that it became an obsession. I began thinking of all sorts of twisted things that I could do to further her insanity. I began by hiding her belongings. I also picked up the phone when it didn't ring, and laugh for no reason at all. I knew that I had to be irritating. How clever can I get? Once she began to distance herself from me I knew that I was finally making some progress until one day she came into the room while I was resting.
“Hey, Ms. Jackie wants to see you,” she said.
“Do you know what for” I responded.
“No…I umm saw her in the hall and she just told me to tell you to come to her office when you get the chance.”
Ms. Jackie was the so- called counselor on the campus and self- proclaimed overseer. She was the type that always wanted to seem concerned about everyone and everything in the world. I guess she had good intentions but whatever difference she was trying to make in the world wasn’t working for her because nobody took her too serious. But this situation was bothering me and I know my roommate knew more than she was letting on.
As I began walking down the hall I was trying to think what she could possibly want with me. I couldn't think of anything that I had done wrong. I wish that I had a rebel bone in my body- to sneak out after hours or smoke in the room- but the fact was that I was pretty much a bore with a wild imagination.
I knocked on the door hoping not to get an answer. I had drawn the conclusion that there was something wrong at home. Either someone had died or was seriously injured. I was not ready to hear or deal with that sort of news. Before I could turn away someone opened the door and sat me down. It was not Ms. Jackie. Much to my disappointment there were four of my superiors sitting there wearing the same concerned faces. They did not waste any time either. They began asking me a series of questions, beginning with how am I getting along here, how do I like the program so far, and have I had any problems or been under any stress lately. I guess they were hoping that I would spill my guts out about something but there was nothing to spill. I answered the questions even though they were a bit puzzling. I didn't understand the procrastination. If there was something wrong there was no need to prolong the news any further. It became quite draining and painful to continue to answer these questions. It was redundant. I hate redundancy almost as much as I hated my roommate. The entire scene was bothering me and my patience was wearing thin.
Finally I surprised myself and said, “look… no disrespect but what is this all about”
They hesitated momentarily and glanced back and forth at each other. Then my team leader finally replied. Well, the staff here is really concerned about you. We were told by a friend of yours that you had been acting very strange lately. This person was obviously concerned about you and hoped that we could help you in some way.”
I wanted to know what was said but more importantly who was this concerned friend. So I asked them who it was that was so concerned about me but they refused to tell me. She said the person wanted it confidential and they had to respect that. I then asked what was I doing that was so strange. After a bit of hesitation Ms. Jackie, the spokesperson for the group, cleared her throat, clearly a calculated move that had been practiced and used far too much, said that they were told that I would laugh at inappropriate times and simply express behavior that made the person very uncomfortable. They also told me that this unknown person said that I would talk on the phone to no one for long periods of time as well.
If they were really trying to keep the identity of the person who contacted them a secret
, they had just blown it. They told me too much. After that I realized what this was all about. It was my damn roommate. She got me. She turned it around and made it look as if I was the crazy one. Of course, my behavior was a bit questionable but my sudden change in attitude was to prevent her from forcing me into deep insanity, the kind where this is no coming back. They couldn’t see how the ends justified the means and I wasn’t about to waste my time trying to convince them. I simply told them that I could clear this up and that I was aware of what they were talking about. I assured them that they had nothing to worry about. I was just joking around. I don't know why I added this last comment but once I said I knew that it was the wrong thing to say. In my attempt to convince them that I was okay, I said “You guys don't have to worry about me doing anything crazy to her.” The look on their faces told me that I must immediately change my behavior.
I guess I did a lousy job convincing them that I was okay. I knew from then on that they would be watching my every move. The last comment that they made was that they wanted me to meet with a counselor once a week to discuss anything that maybe bothering me. To ease their mind I told them that it wouldn't be a problem and thanked them for their concern. I was riveted after leaving that room. I had almost wished that it had been bad news instead of dealing with this. Now I had to change my strategy. This did not stop me from finishing my mission; it gave me more of a reason to continue.
I couldn't believe she had outsmarted me in that way. I honestly didn't see that coming and didn't know she was capable of doing such a thing to me. Who was she to take it upon herself and show concern for me. She was more evil that I thought and now she had a team of people on her side. This would be a little more challenging now but not at all impossible.
It was obvious that the old way wouldn't work anymore. So it was time for plan B. I came up with the creative idea of writing, erasing, and editing that planner of hers. It was a risk but worth taking. If it worked it would surely drive her up the wall but if it didn't I would be caught and once again be left looking like a loony. Then I had an even better plan. I should just simplify my idea by discarding the planner and be done with it. It was brilliant. I would only have to touch that god-awful thing once and if she replaced it with another it would meet the same fate until she gets the damn point. There would be no day planners as long as I was around. If she caught onto to me and told those psycho friends of hers it would be her word against mine. I would surely make her look like the crazy one next time. After all “What would I want with her day planner.”
So I was all set as soon as the opportunity presented itself I would act on my thoughts. I waited patiently and began thinking how smart it was of me not to mention a word about the meeting I had with the personnel to her. Even though she knew what the meeting was all about, she didn't have to know that I knew it was because of her. It was better this way because it may have raised suspicion. She would have immediately assumed that that I was doing this to get back at her. She couldn't prove this theory though, because I never express how irate I was over this whole thing. I knew that if I could pull this off I would have to do it in a way that anybody could have taken it or she could have left it somewhere and lost it. I could not be all-inclusive.
I remembered that every Monday we had team building exercises. This would be the perfect time to take action. I eagerly awaited the morning meeting that preceded the teambuilding activities. I knew that the meeting usually lasted about two hours with a fifteen-minute break in between. Everyone pretty much trusts everyone in this morally correct place. I knew that this was one of those rare occasions where she would leave her bag, including the day planner, just to prove that she trusted everyone.
Once we had our break I looked around to observe any potential observers. It’s always pretty hectic at this time. Everyone was leaving to go out on the lawn to smoke and talk except for a few pretentious jerks that stayed behind. Luckily they weren't paying much attention to me so I reached into her bag and took out her planner. I placed my bag right next to her so that it would appear as if I was going into my own just in case there were any surprise onlookers. Once I retrieved her planner I immediately put it into my bag and left the room. It was easier than I thought. With no second thoughts about it, I decided to walk outside of the opposite end of the building and throw it into the large dumpster in the parking lot. As I approached the dumpster I noticed a sewer across the street. This was even better I thought. There was no way anyone would find it down there. It will never return to haunt me again. Without hesitation I ran across the street and threw it in the sewer. I then went around the building where the majority of the people were standing and relaxed on the grass for the remaining minutes. I had a moment to contemplate on what I had just done. I tried to think of reasons why I she feel bad for my actions but I couldn't think of any. No one would be harmed or hurt by what I did so why grow a conscious now when it was too late to do anything about it. The only thing that would happen is that I would make one very deserving person very angry and that was what I had set out to accomplish.
As we resumed back into the room I was one of the last to enter. I made certain that she and I would not make eye contact. I did not want her to see the glee in my eyes because of what she had yet to discover. I never thought about how I should react as I watched her going through her panic stages. I wanted her to see a little deception in my eyes just to bother her more but not enough to draw any suspicion. She did not yet have a reason to write into her planner but I was sure that she would find one before the meeting was over.
As the end of the meeting approached, I felt myself getting overwhelmed with disappointment. It's just my luck or Murphy’s law that when you want something so overwhelming and damn near definite to occur, it doesn't. I wanted it too much perhaps. Now I may not even be around to reap the benefits of what I had done. It could be any place at anytime that she would look for it.
After looking for the good in all this, I saw that the gods were still working with me. Now as more time elapsed, it would not be apparent at all that I had anything to do with the missing day planner. She wouldn't even know when it was that she “lost it.” At that moment of clarity, life was great. All that I could hope for now is that I could still be a witness to her agony. That would make everything perfect. I was so anxious that it was disgusting even to me.
Now that the afternoon activities began, we were in separate places. I knew now that I would at least have to wait for lunch to see what happened. As lunch rolled around I noticed myself actually looking forward to seeing her. I even asked a few people if they had seen her around. One person finally told me that they saw her walking back towards the dorms. My initial thought was to jump up and catch up with her because I knew that she had to have realized by now that it was missing. If she didn’t though, I would have been upset to run around there for nothing. It could have also been that she forgot her stupid pills, which was the next thing on my agenda to rid her of. I decided to play it cool and wait until she approach me, which was a logical thing for a roommate to do.
The entire day had gone pass and still no response. I began to wonder if she was trying to play head games with me. Maybe this is going to be a tic for tack thing and if that were the case then I was in it to the end.
Later that evening, just when I was about to give up on any celebrations, she gave in and asked me if I had seen her day planner. She asked me in a very calm voice and I responded just as calm with a polite “no.” That was the end of the conversation. She robbed me of my gleeful moment. I couldn't understand how but she was still getting to me. She has the inappropriate responses to things. If she wasn't going to make a big stink about this, then it was time to take those pills, or maybe that stupid watch that goes off, or perhaps both. I hadn't decided what step that I would take next but I wasn't giving up. I needed time to think clearly. I was convinced that something would come to mind.
I still was burning inside from her rea
ction so I had to get over that first.
I hardly slept that night and every time I turned over and saw how well she was sleeping after losing her planner it made me sick inside. She worshipped that thing. This is not how one should react after losing their god. I wanted to get up and slap her silly until she woke up and then admit to her that I had taken her planner and threw it down the sewer. Maybe if she heard that from me it would take her over the edge. Then I thought maybe all she was waiting for was an acknowledgement from me. No way was I willing to take that chance. After all, you never know she may have a hidden camera or recorder in here somewhere just waiting for me to incriminate myself. My better judgment told me to lay low. She was bound to crack before me. Now I have to think of how noticeable I wanted to be when I take the next thing. At this point I didn't care much about being caught by her. In some ways I wanted her to know it was me, just to let her know what she was up against. If only she knew but couldn't prove anything that would surely drive her up a wall or two. I now knew what the gusto would be. I concluded that I would take both the watch and the stupid pills. Maybe now she would put on some weight and look normal for once. Not only that, if I had it my way she would also oversleep for the first time in her life as well. Without me or that stupid watch to wake her up, I knew she would continue to sleep like a baby. Just by observing her in her sleep you could tell that her dreams were pleasant and she wouldn’t want out of the dream world she was in-unless, of course, she was forced to by a cheap alarm watch.
I was not going to prolong it any further. Before she woke up I took the watch and it was on its way out the window. It then suddenly occurred to me that perhaps I was taking things too fast. I should not act so quickly. I thought of an alternative plan. I decided to simply shut the alarm off and let her oversleep. Even though she was a heavy sleeper I chose to skip a shower, get dress in the dark, and leave with no regrets. I didn't want to take any chances.
It was midday and I still didn't hear anything from her. It wasn't surprising though because sometimes I would go the whole day without seeing her until later in the evening. Often times we would meet up in the lunchroom and that was where I expected to see her. Apparently I was not the only one looking for her. A couple of her team members, including her team leader had asked me if I knew where she was. I told them that I hadn't seen her at all today. They looked a bit puzzled as they walked away but I continued to eat since I knew that she was probably still in her room too embarrass to leave.
She's probably trying to think of some grand excuse for being late but she is taking this just a little too far, I thought. I guess she is willing to say and do anything to get out of night duty, which is usually what happens when someone is late. It is okay for someone like me to have it because I can sneak in a quick nap while watching the dorms but she would be sleep for the rest of the night if she tried it. I was glad that something was finally coming in between her and that precious sleep of hers. Through the window I could see my roommates’ team leader and her sidekick walking towards the dorms. We will find out soon enough what will come of this. It dawned on me how fitting it would be if I were there this time to see her reaction to being busted for the first time. I began walking over to the dorm. I already had a story if anyone were to ask where I was going. For the first time I would show concern for my roommate. I would be so sincere that they would have to let me go.
As I headed towards the room I saw her team leader once again. She was banging on the door and calling out to my roommate. Her yell was annoying the hell out of me so I told her to hang on while I get my keys to open the door. As I fondled around for my keys a thought briefly pass through my mind. I didn't understand why she wouldn't just open the door and get it over with. I wondered if she was really in there or had she left and went somewhere to exaggerate whatever story she had conjured up. I hesitated prior to opening the door. I said a quick prayer hoping that she was in there and I could finally see her act in desperation. I purposely opened the door slowly to prolong her agony. As we walked in we gathered around her. Amazing. She was still sleeping or pretending to still be asleep. Her team leader looked frustrated as she began to shake my roommate and call her name quite rudely I might add. We didn't get a response. We all looked at one another in confusion and disbelief of what seemed apparent. Something was wrong. She was not moving or responding at all. Her team leader picked up the phone and called 911 and her sidekick ran down the hall screaming for help. I think she saw too many movies and thought that it was appropriate but she looked rather ridiculous. I continued to stand there over her wondering what was her deal. I guess the operator was giving her team leader directions on what to do because she grabbed my roommate’s wrist to check for a pulse. She then told the operator that she didn't have a pulse. Her team leader then asked me if I knew CPR. I told her no because I didn't think it was necessary. I wasn't about to give in now by helping her, besides I really did not know it anyway. I took a class a couple of years ago but didn't quite remember the procedures. She then asks me to try to see if someone around knows CPR until the ambulance arrives. I was going to tell her that was probably what her sidekick was doing but I refrained and quickly walked out as if to show an attempt to help. If anyone had time to kill I did. I wasn’t quite ready to give into her, but if she was acting boy was she good. Anyone that observed me without my knowledge would immediately pick up on the fact that I didn't want to be bothered with helping my roommate with yet another sneaky attempt to get attention. I continued to pretend to care whenever I saw someone by asking others if they knew CPR. I was glad when they continued the conversation by asking me why and what happened. It gave me time to procrastinate and shoot the gift instead of really going to try to find someone else to ask.
Once I heard the ambulance coming I gave up on asking anyone else. As they turned the corner they asked us where the victim was. The thought of flat out lying crossed my mind but unfortunately there were others around so I was forced to tell the truth. I even decided to run up to my room with them. I was pretty impress with my acting skills. I actually appeared to be concerned. I thought about taking it a step further by forcing out some tears but I'm not that good yet, not even if I tried my mind wasn't having such hypocrisy.
There were a lot of us now standing around and viewing the scene. One of the EMS workers asked us if we knew whether or not she was on any type of medication. I felt all eyes staring at me of course, since I was her roommate and all. I was in an honest mood so I pointed towards her jewelry box and told them that she was taking some pills every morning but they were just diet pills. One of the workers continued to try to revive her as the other looked in the box for the pills. They both looked at each other with hopelessness reflecting from their eyes. The worker read the pills and told the other that she was taking medication for a heart condition. He then told us to clear the pathway area so that they continue working on her and move her out. Perhaps she wasn’t acting anymore. No one knew how to react. We were still too shocked to respond. I knew that I was responsible for everything and as incredible as it may sound, I still didn't feel guilty.
After she was taken out of the building the director of the program told us all to take the rest of the day off to console one another. Many people came up to me to ask if I was okay. I wasn't really sure how I wanted to play this so I decided to work on my acting skills a little more by expressing my hurt until I realized how much energy caring required. I was let off the hook when one of the investigators, I had guessed, asked me over to see if I could answer a few questions so they could make out a report. They asked me if she had gotten up at all this morning to take her pills, was she feeling okay last night, if I knew what the pills was for, and a few more nosey questions about her. I cooperated as much as I could without getting a little impatient and annoyed. I could have sworn that they asked me the same questions over and over again at least three times. I almost began to worry that they suspected me of something. I didn't get to paranoid because
I knew nothing could be proven. I felt like I should have been mortified because of my ideas and true feelings, but in actuality I hadn't done anything bad. After all she could have committed suicide. I never knew anyone to die of oversleeping. I hoped that they would catch on to my clear signs of impatience and restlessness that began to grow and would respect my damn near deliberate signs to be left alone.
After a few more questions they politely thanked me and left. The administration told those of us who occupied the dorm where it happened to sleep in the empty room down the hall. This was my first time since coming to this place that I finally got a good night sleep. That was when I knew that I hadn’t done anything that terrible. If no one else knew about her, I did and little did they know that I saved others from mental torment. I wouldn't have lasted the entire program living with her.
The next day we all formed a meeting and the administrators informed us of what happened. My roommate was dead. They told me that I would be moving into another room because they knew it would be hard on me staying in the room where it occurred. I must have been putting on quite a show, better than I thought even for them to believe something like that. I could sleep anywhere now. The room isn’t the problem. The actual problem is now taken care of. It could have been a little insulting if I thought more about what they were implying. I decided to drop it even though a side of me wanted to explain to them that it wasn't like that. I should have said I'm at peace now and I have no problem staying in the room but I know a comment like that would raise a few eyebrows so I let it be. After the meeting was over they allowed us the day off and told me to pack my stuff and be ready to move out by the end of the day. Someone-and I’m not sure if it was actually a personnel member or a corps member like me, since everybody wants to be so freaking important here- but someone pretending to be concerned, asked me if I was comfortable being in that room alone. I purposely hesitated and then replied that I would be okay. I must admit when I first walked into the room it was a bit eerie. I got used to entering the room prepared for aggravation but I knew this time there would be no annoyance to greet me. The room was now aggravation free and no longer reeked of her. It didn't take long for me to gather all of my things and leave the room but I stayed a little longer than necessary to enjoy being by myself for a while after all I did not know what my new arrangements would be. After taking a quick nap I realized that it was time for me to go. I milked this cow for all it was worth. I glanced around the room for a final check and noticed her watch ticking away on the dresser. In memory of her I put it in my pocket. It may even come in handy. Perhaps this will motivate me to be a little more organized, neater, and disciplined. I wondered how long I would actually keep the watch in my possession before coming to my senses. I thought that I might try it for a few days and see what happens. Getting rid of things is an easy thing to do and it was always an option. I have no problem with good-byes so when the alarm starts getting on my nerves it’s bye-bye.
Someone knocked on the door just as I was opening it to leave. I never saw this person but I assumed it was a relative of the deceased because of the bloodshot eyes and the look of despair all on her face. I was not in the mood for any consoling so I tried to make it look as if I was in a hurry. Unfortunately, that didn't work. She grabbed my hand and introduced herself as the deceased mother. I put on the sad face and said all the appropriate things that I was taught to say during these occasions. She sat down on her daughter’s bed and that's when I knew that I was in for a long afternoon. What could she possibly tell me about her or her daughter that would be remotely interesting. I was a bit curious so I sat on the edge of my bed facing her. She fought back outright crying but she should have just let it out. It wasn't very appealing to watch her struggle to contain herself. She eventually began talking about the problems her daughter had pertaining to her health. She had asked me if I was aware of her heart condition. After a shaking of my head she continued. She told me that her daughter also had attention deficit disorder and that she bought her a day planner hoping that it would help her to stay focus on things that she had to do. I told her that these things were never shared with me and added that she never said much at all. Her mom then told me that she rarely tells anyone about either condition. She just didn't like discussing it. I told her that I was sorry about what had happened and got up from the bed. I thought about giving her a hug but something changed my mind. Instead I briefly put my hand on her shoulder and said goodbye.
As I made my way down the hall I thought about how it all made sense. Perhaps she wasn't the pretentious self-absorbed person I thought she was. The watch, the pills, and the day planner played a necessary part in her life. I guess it was all the things she needed. It probably wouldn't have stopped me from doing what I had done, but I may have had some regrets afterwards. The fact is that it was really annoying and anything would have been reason enough. The madness still had to end. Eventually it would have ended the same. It didn't weigh heavy on my mind. I began thinking of where I was going next. I sat in the lounge on the first floor. This is where all the big shots stayed so I knew that I would run into someone who could point me in the right direction. I waited about twenty minutes before someone came in. I told him that I was waiting to be placed in another room and waited for a response. The jerk didn't even look at me. He just nonchalantly said someone would be here soon. Soon is a long time here so I lied across the couch to rest my eyes a while and began thinking how bored I was going to be living in peace.
I heard voices making its way towards me. Someone quietly called my name. That was the most sincere politeness I've ever been shown. I opened my eyes and recognized my roommate’s only true friend. She said that I was going to be her new roommate and asked me if I needed help with my bags. I could have got them all myself but decided to take advantage of the offer. Besides it was too soon for a possible insult. Her building was directly across from mine. I remember once my roommate and she were talking back and forth to each other from the windows. She seemed like she was a good friend for someone to have, especially for someone like my roommate who had all kinds of issues. While walking across the grass I thought that I would start some small talk but nothing having to do with my roommate. If she were to mention something about her I would simply tell her that it was too soon for me to talk about it. Anyone had to respect that even if it were a lie. I knew that she couldn't handle the truth even if we became friends. I did ask her what happened to her roommate. To my surprise she informed me that she was kicked out after failing a random urine tests. I didn't know that they even gave us any kind of tests here. I was going to ask how long ago and all that other crap to extend the conversation but changed my mind. Since we were now roommates I knew that we would have more time to talk later if I wanted to. I was just ready to unpack my things.
Once we got to the room it was clear where I was sleeping. I saw the used mattress that I was about to cover with about twenty sheets. I unpacked all my things first. I guess instead of offering her help again she decided to bail out by taking a bath. It was okay with me though; I didn't want anybody touching my things anyway. I took a brief break in the middle of unpacking and noticed a book on the side of the dresser. I went over to pick it up but as I drew closer I realized what it was. I picked it up anyway in disbelief. As soon as I picked it up my new roommate came out of the bathroom. She saw me standing there with her day planner in my hand. She continued to look and finally asked me if seeing that bothered me since my former roommate had one just like it. I couldn't help but to ignore her question and ask my own. I wanted to know why she had such a thing. She told me that my former roommate told her that she had lost hers. She bought another one for her as a gift but never gave it to her. She added that she never thought about using one until now. My thought was at least she won't miss it when it's gone. I knew peace was too good to be true.
There it is. I was responsible for someone’s death and spent the rest of my life without rem
orse tying me down. As soon as she finished her story I knew that she was the one harboring resentment towards the others. I began my questions by asking her a question that I already knew the answer to.
“While all the others seem to regret their actions you don’t, why is that?”
Why, because it really was not my fault. It was her alter ego telling her that nothing matters. She believes that she is not responsible for my actions. She says that it is nature at work. Good and evil are words used to subjectively judge the actions of others. Evil actually works for the good in man. It is how we distinguish between the weak and powerful. The more powerful one becomes the more prone he is to have the courage to act out his thoughts. She believes that I am weak and cannot survive without her. In fact, while listening intently to all of the previous stories again, she pointed out the many contradictions within each of them. Not only do you guys contradict yourselves, but she also believes that your beliefs are totally unfounded.
She says that Gwen’s theory that nobody is beyond help is nothing more than wishful thinking. How do you know everyone on drugs wants help? It is best to leave people alone unless they ask for assistance. Perhaps drugs are the best that they could do. Drugs are their coping mechanism. It may be the only reason why they want to live because at least drugs gives them some pleasure in a world that wasn’t always pleasant to them. Can you think of any better way to live out your life than in ecstasy? Look at what benefits we reaped from drug addicts such as Edgar Allan Poe, Whitney Houston, John Coltraine, and Billie Holiday. Allow their creative juices to flow enhance their ingenuity. They live in their own world in order to uplift the human spirit through entertainment. Leave the simple things for the simple people. Let the janitors be janitors. Let the maids be maids. Let the secretaries be secretaries. We need simple people to carry out the simple chores while the more apt take on the more complex in order for our society to flourish.
Another erroneous suggestion that she says Gwen made was when she limited her beliefs to the black race. It is more about class than anything else. It is about the poor empowering themselves and having the valor to collaborate in order to overthrow this government. By limiting our struggle to just the black race we are limiting our resources. It is not just a race issue it is a class issue. The class structure for blacks unfortunately falls into the category of poverty level. But we are not the only people. Our struggle must become a struggle of social class in order to involve the masses.
She responded to your theory on souls and asked the question what good is it to have a soul if it readily acquiesce to the “powers that be” those without a soul. It seems more like a liability to have one. Africans seemed to have souls but it did not protect them from group of people who have the fortune of not answering to a conscious. Are people with a soul supposed to be more superior to those without one?
As for Silky, she says that she must understand that some women are not meant to have children. They may have a higher purpose and children might get in the way of fulfilling their purpose. She says that Silky focused on the irrelevant and that’s what drove her over the edge.
She voiced her opinion about all of you and was very critical of what you had to say. She told me to say something, but I couldn’t. You guys spoke with such fervor because you all believed in your personal truths. I just couldn’t take that moment away from any of you. However, she says that I am not doing us any good. She said that you guys have to know when you are not making any sense. Although there was some truth to them, it was more confusing than anything else, especially for someone listening to it for the first time.
She is a philosopher of sorts and a self-proclaimed prophetess. She claims to have knowledge of the universe that she received during time spent with the ancients. This knowledge, she says, can end many of the self-inflicted problems we create in this world.
The miracle of life can also be explained in accordance with our understanding for existing (like a teacher need its pupil so does the earth need us). In the eyes of life, our purpose is to die. We die so that others can live and so that life itself can continue. We are born to die. We will be useless if we lived forever. Imagine life without death.
She has spoon-fed me these revelations since the beginning of our relationship, which began when I start asking myself pertinent questions relating to this world. She suddenly began to answer them for me. I never questioned her origin since I already knew what it was. She should not be confused with a split personality. She was not created from a psychological conflict. Our relationship does get rocky at times, especially when I ask a question that she has no answer to. Her response is to then leave me in a state of doubt and concern. So you see how troubling and frustrating this can be.
Yet we complimented each other well and that is why I allow her to exist inside of me. For I am a passive person, which makes it perfect for this dominating personality to take control of a conversation. I listen eagerly to what she says whether I agree or not. She often makes a very persuasive argument. I entertain all possibilities, which is probably why she singled me out. I am an easy target for those to explore their own inquisitive nature. For that is how a conversation usually begins.
She whispers to me and expects me to repeat what she says to others. She interrupts my thoughts with so much diligence that it is impossible to evade. Some moments are spent realizing how sweet ignorance can be. However deceptive this may sound, once she informed me of my job I had no intentions on going along with it. She continues to reinforce this by showing me where I am supposed to begin (getting preoccupied with yourself will deter you from what you were sent here to do). In retrospect, these were her intentions all along. She constantly revealed to me what she knows through my sub consciousness. Somehow she knows when to let go and humor me, which is another reason I keep her around. It is only when she interrupts my opportunities to be normal that she annoys me. At the most inconvenient times she blurts out answers that I asked her weeks ago and it scares people off.
The day I became overwhelmed with questions was the beginning of eternity and the end of me. The questions were simple and innocent enough for me to answer on my own if I were as patient with my inner self as I am with my alter ego. I found myself consumed with random questions that needed to be answered. Why is it that I am obsessed with what I will never know? I am desperately trying to find a purpose to all of this. If we are merely here for survival then what separates us from the other "less intelligent" creatures of the world and why are we plagued with intelligence. We all live, die, and hopefully love in between. But what purpose does love even serve once we all are gone. Is it simply to make us feel that the experience of life was worth living even though afterwards nothing at all matters, not even love? Or is there a bigger picture? One that will only reveal itself in that other realm once we all eventually fade into it. Why should we find the answer in retrospect? Why can’t we find the answer when we want it? Isn’t the answer better served when we are breathing? This is when we can actually do something and make changes.
There are so many thoughts and ideas that enter my mind; all conflicting with the other. There are times when it is totally logical for me to believe that there are other worlds that exist beyond this one. We can all have an opportunity to travel and explore these worlds once we find our way. We will not have the same course nor will we even remember our past worlds and lives. We can barely remember our dreams so what makes us think we will remember our past lives.
This leads to the other point of why? What would be the purpose of reincarnating, especially since we never learn from our past mistakes. Once this thought enters my mind it brings me to the next idea that maybe after this there is nothing else. Everything disperses and returns back to its natural state. Even if our energy is transformed into other life forms it would be as if we never existed anyway because our mind, body, and soul are not the same. The mind no longer thinks, the body is incapable of functioning and the soul therefore,
no longer has meaning. It loses its purpose because the mind and body that contained it no longer exists. The only problem with this is where do these thoughts come from anyway. Why am I here sitting in fascination over my existence? What causes me to dream about what is to come? Maybe dreams that come true are thoughts that we subconsciously bring into existence. Knowing is the mind, when it ends so do we. But that can't be true. It is too simple and narrow in thought. I feel a connection to something else more powerful than I. What connection do I have with the unknown that tells me to think a certain way? Is life really this deep or is it simple, too simple in fact, so we add more to it than what it is. Perhaps this is just a circle and everything in it remains in it because that is the way it goes. But does the circle ever modify itself or does it just remain a circle. Perhaps it's not a circle at all.
Perhaps it has no boundaries to confine it and neither do we. After all whatever it is that brought us to this point has yet to make its presence known. I wonder why? Are we too fragile of creatures not to be able to understand the true reason for creation or the creator? Will knowing totally blow our minds and drive us insane (just like not knowing). Maybe we already know but don't want to be reminded that this is all a dream without a dreamer. There is nothing special about the soul or the spirit. It is just a fancy name that we as human beings decided to give our internal characteristics to separate us from the other animals and make us feel special. But aren't we special? Dogs and cats don’t have the thinking ability to question their existence as we do. Are they blessed in being denied the responsibility of growth? Is it truly the size of our brain that causes us to think about these things or does it lie in the spirit. If all living entities have at least a spirit then perhaps they share these thoughts with us except we allow these thoughts to torment us and interrupt our purpose of just being. Being whatever we want to be and thinking whatever we want to believe as long as it makes us happy. I guess what truly makes us all happy is love no matter if it vanishes after death.
Which brings me back to my initial thought what is love and is its energy powerful enough to last even after death. Or is love something we develop while on this planet. What is its origin? Is everybody even capable of love? Is it something that goes along with having a soul? Does everyone have a soul? These questions continue to bother me, but I would rather have these questions because hopefully they will lead to a rationale of my own that I feel comfortable living and dying with.
What is our role in society if it is not to progress? We are animals that use a greater number of brain cells. Our four legged creatures do not have the capacity to make an intellectual decision required in some cases. We should be accountable for making better judgments, however, it does not mean we are above the needs that all animals have, including the need for survival and selfish pleasures.
We can learn a thing or two from the animal kingdom. Nature is the balancing act. This is called the circle of life and the food chain is part of that circle. We all play a part in that balance. We think that the fact that some animals kill their young is a horrendous act. However, we have not taken into account that it may be the ultimate expression of love for nature’s progression to sacrifice part of their bloodline. It is about preserving the best of one’s bloodline. Preserving one’s bloodline is important to the animal kingdom, including our own. It doesn’t make us good or bad to want this for ourselves. (Sidebar: Caucasians are particularly concerned because they are the newest race of people and more susceptible to becoming extinct. This concern won’t last. Once they realize that we are all now dependent upon each other’s existence. We will become so intermingled as a human race that the creation of the races won’t exist. However this will bring on new biases geared toward the social classes).
Let’s also supposed that a child was disabled and cannot function without relying on others within the group. It will become a burden to that group. How will a weak species survive in the wilderness? Nothing can protect it forever and it would be too risky to do so. It would be putting the entire group in jeopardy if others took precious time to care for the disabled. So before the infant develops the fear of death, the parent destroys it. This act is compassion for the quality of life for that baby.
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How far is one willing to go to serve a purpose with such strong convictions? Does one wait until he is brink of starving to finally say it’s okay to eat meat if it means life or death or does one die believing that they did the right thing by not eating the flesh of this world. For all things we intake have a source of life. What boundaries do we feel comfortable crossing and at what point are we willing to cross it. Vegetation serves a purpose for us. It is its goal to be consumed by us. This world would be over populated in some areas and over used in others if we were all vegetarians. It is about balance. An excessive amount of anything is harmful so eat for survival –purpose not pleasure. Let’s not kid ourselves into believing we have improved in areas that we haven’t.
We can afford to hold such strong convictions because we have the luxury of choice. What if those choices were removed or stripped, would our convictions be stripped right along with it. Many cultures before us relied heavily on animals for survival and they thanked their means for supporting them both as a form of food and a form of clothing.
When did we elevate to the point that our basic human needs were outweighed by spiritual empowerment. We are getting ahead of ourselves if we believe that we are more spiritual than we actually are. We can survive on bread alone (bread meaning forms of nutrition) but we live by way of spirit. We cannot underestimate the need for both. Any new age religion or ancient practices that preach the extreme of any are perilous to those they influence.
There is nothing that she is more passionate about than expressing her opinion about the bible. It is the way man rationalizes the unknown and justifies injustice. Faith should never lie in the writings of man. The most dangerous aspect of the bible is the prophecies, which allows the religious fanatics and those disagreeable forces to bring events into existence. She says that if we want to understand the bible and its symbolism we must look at what was occurring at that time. We create chaos when we look at the events we believe are describing the end of the world when it is just the end of an era. There are ministers supporting wars because they believe it is part of God’s plan. We are going to be responsible for the end of the world not God.
Religion has lies hidden within truths. The truth is what resonates and cannot be denied in any belief system. All those that want to hear it will feel the vibration of truth. Lies are here for those who prefer to live by another code of conduct. These are the people that are living in the lie. But they, too, live their own truth.
“How do you know if you are living in truth?”
You have no regrets. You will enjoy your life, as did I. You will stand up for what you believe in no matter what it is. We have different truths that we live by. I have my own truth that many will disagree with but it served a purpose. I listened to my inner self. Lies served no purpose and listens to nothing. Its only purpose is to control the weak with confusion, manipulation and destruction. People of the lie don’t know why they act in this fashion. They do it out of their own confusion. The world would be less complicated if we understood and respected the different roles we play. Everyone wants to be something they are not (Reminder: Because what the soul really seeks is change. Change for the good or bad-just change from what it already knows). The good wants to be evil and the evil wants to be good. Men want to be women and women want to be men. Children want to grow up too soon just to turn around and wish to become a child again. Nobody makes sense. We try to make everyone get along with everyone else when that is unrealistic and unnatural. Until the government succeeds in controlling the minds of the masses we will always be individuals and have individual thoughts. These individual thoughts will always seek to separate itself from others (by including oneself with a particular g
roup but excluding itself from another).
Everyone has an ulterior motive, which is to have people think a certain way. The creators of the bible may have had good intentions but it doesn’t mean all was true and it should not be received as such. It should begin by stating in order to promote order these are the stories we should live by.
The story of Adam and Eve is simply a way to rationalize the reason behind death. Before the infamous bite of the apple, we were not destined “born” to die. We would have lived forever if they didn’t disobey. This defies logic, but if it were told to us in the context that we should obey the laws of the land or there will be consequences then it would be an easier concept to grasp. We will understand that the bible is here to teach us morals. It is told to us in a story form to grab our attention by giving us something we can relate to.
Acts of racism and sexism is also prominent in the bible and can be used to promote supremacy. It is filled with rationalizations to explain virtually every aspect of man including the differences among the races. The reason for Africans hair texture is an absurd rationalization in the earlier Mormon doctrine, which professes that Africans’ “horrific” grade of hair is a curse, (impossible for it to be a blessing since it would exclude them in the blessing). They did not understand that we are all amazingly blessed by nature in an effort to allow us to survive within the environment that created us. Kinky hair absorbs more moisture allowing Africans to “cool off” in hot climates.
The bible would be less scrutinized if it suggested that this is an attempt to elevate man by sharing ideas that can give them hope through miracle stories based on actual events that seek to inspire (by controlling) its audience. Unfortunately every religious book professes nothing but truth. When you take a good look at the truth they are expressing, any thinking person should wonder who profits.
According to the institutionalized religions or more traditional religions, you can steal, rape, and even murder, as did many of the prophets and still be allowed into heaven. Whereas no matter what a nonbeliever does or doesn’t do, he will be sent to damnation. Therefore, it is not the actions of a person that will send him or her to heaven or hell; it is their thoughts. So is thought (belief) more important than action? That defies logic. Even our own twisted society goes against that theory. And this is a society (America) that believes in the Christian way of life.
“You don’t suggest embracing any religion?”
Sure if it benefits you but the more you read the less you will rely on religion or anybody’s thoughts other than your own. What I have learned from reading other books about obtaining your spirituality has ranged from dramatic to the passive. Nothing held definite answers. One implied that the only way to become fully spiritual was to return to Godhead by refusing sex. This will end the torture of the physical and will rise to a spiritual way of being. This takes a conscious collective effort. One must be focused in order to sustain from our survival instincts, including sex. Others believe that all we need to do is focus on the misuse (not overuse) of words love, consideration, trust and understanding. It is the pressure of living in this physical plane that brings about hatred, jealousy, and anger.
There are some that say to simply accept what is. We are what we are and there is no good or bad. Each of these philosophies seems to be missing something.
All of my thoughts are a result of learned behavior and experiences embedded in me through continuous contact and influences of others as opposed to prior knowledge.
When reading other people’s philosophies, it is important to keep in mind what they did not mention just as much as what they are mentioning. You have to formulate your own belief system even if that means creating your own if nothing else makes sense to you. If it leads to progression (destruction can be a means to progression) then it is beneficial.
Right now we are not certain about where technology is leading us. It appears to lead us towards progression, but there must be a level of control for all concerned. Technology makes the impossible now possible, but beware. When it reaches a point to where mortality is a thing of the past, its subjects will long for what makes life precious- death.
Achieving the goal of immortality comes with consequences. Instead of taking care of the human body by avoiding premature aging people will rather take drastic alternative methods. (Sidebar: If we could let go of past hurt and pain, which is literally clogging our bodies and using up vital space, we would have the energy to regenerate our cells. As we age the more baggage we carry and the more cells we use to carry this baggage. So the space normally preserved for regenerating our cells are all used up).
Cloning and freezing techniques are the alternatives to accomplishing this objective. It is a form of immortality where an exact replica of your DNA can live forever or in the case of actually freezing your body, the container remains the same. This is when we will see whether if science holds all the answers to what make a person. If it could all be explained through a person’s physical makeup this will prove it. If it is a person’s environment as well this should prove it. But if all factors are the same and the person is still unique then there is something that science isn’t taking into account.
There will also be an end to disease in the near future. Between science and nature we already have the cure. I am not sure if having the cure is necessarily a good thing, however. Perhaps God isn’t sure either. All consequences should be explored. We already have the cells that produce disease but there is something that we do to ignite these once dormant cells. Science knows how to prevent these diseases but it better serves the elite not to share this with everyone. Overpopulation is a serious concern but who determines what life is not worth living.
We are all cloned spirits anyway. That is why we meet people that remind of so much of other people in our lives. They have identical spirits that dictate other aspects such as physical traits and personalities that are very similar. Science has learned to simulate and display what already exists in the spiritual realm (immortality). It can finally express what it knows discovered about the possibilities that exists through quantum physics and can reach unexplainable physical heights all in the name of science instead of God. However, according to the believers God allows this and even mentions we will all be brought back to life. It simply isn’t the way they envisioned. It is going to happen through science. Everyone that can afford it will have replaceable body parts. Their organs will be cloned and life will not have a fatal end.
Contrary to popular belief science and the spirit works hand and hand. There is even a science to the soul. The science is that everything that exists seeks to exist so it must abide by rules (laws of nature). Nature says that in order to exist you need energy. The soul is the (raw data) first stage of a transforming spirit. As that energy begins to attach itself to the physical it becomes a soul-the living spirit. All this is done in compliance with science, the part of nature that we can comprehend. We are slowly yet ever changing creatures that continue to adapt to our environment.
What people don’t understand is that nature is a work in progress. It is leading towards perfection but it has not yet reached its goal. We are still in the process of evolving to a state of perfection. We can help nature along by taking action. Our efforts should be geared towards evolving in all aspects. Geniuses and psychics should not be looked upon as an anomaly. It should show the rest of us how far behind we are. We are not living up to our human potential and that is why the possible seem impossible. We are the dinosaurs of the past and we will be whatever exists in the future. If we think big we will become bigger in every way.
If this is accomplished, humans of today may be considered a thing of the past. The same holds true if we began to regress and become more dependent on the physical elements of this earth. Our appearance will change. If we evolve, likewise, our appearance will also. We will gain needed anatomy to coincide with the changes in our environment or loose anatomy no longer needed. W
omen, for example, may no longer need much of their reproductive system because babies can be “manufactured.” We look at it as a blessing or a curse; either way we will get used to it.
Who knows once we master the mind death can be conquered. If you buy into the idea that death is simply a choice or an idea that we all fall victim to then you could change your destiny. As expressed before we have the resources to get us to where we need to be. What distract us are too many choices. Innovation doesn’t automatically equate to good. We have enough theories and ideas floating around. Who needs a new one, we simply need to improve what already exists.
Entangled in emotions are we
Never free
From thoughts are we formed
Never born
Into a world of unoccupied space
We can erase
Preconceived ideas that are shared
And given to us since birth
Do we search
For our individual voice
Not a choice
Or even a thought in one’s mind
Can we find
An undeniable sign
To let us know
If this isn’t real
We must go
And seek truth for one’s sake
Lies we can no longer take
Our fellow souls are lost
In the cross
Hanging in the sky
with the moon and the star
And neither can tell us who we are…