by Amy Brent
“Sicily, please.” Josie reached for her hand.
“No,” Sicily replied, pulling her hand away. “Leave now.”
“You poisoned her against me,” Josie said, grabbing her purse and standing up. “You made sure you continued to punish me, even after I realized my error. You’re a despicable human being, Brandt, and you will pay for this.”
“The only despicable person here is you,” Sicily snapped. “My father has done nothing wrong.”
Josie clenched her teeth together and stormed out, not even looking at my mother. She slammed the door behind her, and I looked up at Sicily. Sicily looked angry and even a little hurt. My mother winked and quietly left the apartment, letting me handle this with her.
“Sweetie, sit down,” I said. “That was a very brave thing for you to do. I want you to know, though, if you want to know your mother, you won’t hurt me. I understand you might be curious about who she is.”
“I’m not curious, Daddy,” she said. “It doesn’t matter who she is. I have you and Grandma. I don’t need her. She can’t come here and expect me to want someone around who never wanted me. I’m okay. Really. I love you for giving me the chance.”
“You are too wise,” I said, hugging her and smiling. “You know what we should do?”
“What?” she asked excitedly.
“What anyone should do on a cold March day in New York,” I said. “We should go get ice cream.”
“Yes!” She threw her arms in the air.
“Go grab your jacket.” I laughed.
We left the apartment and headed over two blocks to her favorite frozen yogurt place. We got big cups of ice cream with all the toppings and sat down in the corner of the restaurant. I watched Sicily stare down at her bowl, thinking.
“What did you get on yours?”
“I got gummy bears, chocolate sprinkles, peanut butter cups, and Oreos,” she said.
“Lord, I’m going to have to let you run it out on the treadmill afterward to get the energy out.”
“How about you? What did you get?”
“Let’s see, I got chocolate sauce and strawberries,” I replied.
“Lame,” she said, giggling. “You never just go crazy at the yogurt bar.”
“You’re right,” I said, chuckling. “Sometimes, only sometimes, I try to be a responsible adult.”
“Daddy? Can I talk to you about something?”
“Sure,” I said. “You can talk to me about anything. What’s up?”
“I know my mother hurt you really bad when she left us,” she said. “But I don’t want you to give up. I want you to find someone who makes you happy again. You’ve been sad for so long, and love would make you feel better. I don’t know what being in love feels like, but I know I love you, and if it’s anywhere close to that, then it would be really good for you. And as far as Josie is concerned, I don’t want her in my life. She left me before she even got to know me. She never sent me a birthday card or a letter, and she just stayed away. My life is great without her, and I can tell how much stress she brings into the house when she comes over. I don’t want to have to be around someone that I don’t love. I don’t want to have to call her mom when she’s never been a mom to me.”
I just sat staring at my little girl, listening to everything she had to say. I knew this was hard for her to completely understand, even as smart and grown up as she was. She was calm and collected, even more so than I had ever been when talking about Josie.
“Maybe later in my life, I’ll change my mind,” she said, shrugging. “Maybe when I’m grown up and I can understand her better, but now I just don’t want her around. She makes me feel bad, and I don’t want to feel bad, especially when I love my life.”
“You’re the smartest little girl I know.” I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “The choice is completely up to you.”
“Thanks, Daddy.” She smiled. “And I meant the other thing too. Find someone who makes you happy.”
Immediately, my thoughts went to Emma again, and I wondered if she was the girl who would make me happy again. I was still on the hunt for her and had not given up hope just yet. I wanted to find her, to find out if she was the one, and then move forward from there. I needed that for me and for Sicily.
Chapter 16
Two Months Later
Emma
The pictures on the wall of the OB/GYN office were confusing and slightly terrifying, I had to admit. The way they carved out the woman’s body and showed the baby inside looked really uncomfortable. I was at my three-month checkup, and though I couldn’t get a sonogram because the machine was down, I had some important blood work done. I stood in the office waiting for the doctor to return, noticing the tightness of my shorts on my stomach for the first time. The door opened, and my doctor walked in with a smile on his face. I let out the deep breath trapped in my lungs and sat down.
“Everything looks wonderful,” he said. “And even though we couldn’t get the sonogram done today, I could hear the heartbeat, and everything is right on track. Your blood work shows that you’re getting all your vitamins and minerals, your weight is steady, and your body is healthy and happy.”
“That’s great,” I said, smiling. “Thank you.”
“Just check out with the nurse, and they’ll schedule your next appointment.”
“Thank you.”
I pulled on my shoes and soaked in the relief at the good news. It was about time I had some sort of good news in my life. Still, there was a dismal feeling in my gut that had been there since I found out I was pregnant, and I hadn’t been able to shake it. It was like this dark thought waiting for me to accept. I hated that I couldn’t just be happy, that the reality of life kept slapping me in the face over and over. I wanted to be on Gillian’s level, who had already started showing me baby stuff and getting excited about being an aunt. I was just taking things one day at a time, and right then, knowing everything was good on the inside, all the outside stuff started to overwhelm me.
I walked out of the office and got in line at the checkout desk so I could make my next appointment. There were a million things I had to make choices on, and I had to be in a place where that was even possible. My life had been a whirlwind of events since I found Alex cheating on me, and I knew the first step was calming everything down. I just wasn’t sure how to make that happen. Every time I told myself everything was going to be okay, fear would strike, and I would think about how alone I was. I was terrified to go through all this alone without a partner by my side like the other women sitting in the waiting room. I could barely look at the other expecting mothers with their husbands holding their hands without feeling like I was the only one in the world. It was devastating at times.
My father and I didn’t always see eye to eye, but when I was growing up, I could see how much he loved my mother. He was there for everything from dance recitals to birthday parties and everything in between. He worked hard to be a good father and provide for his family. My whole life, I never even gave two thoughts to the fact that I might not have the perfect family and the perfect life. When everything came tumbling down with Alex, I still had the hopes that I would meet someone else one day and get married, have babies, and be the kind of mother I always wanted to be.
Now I was faced with a different scenario. I was faced with the idea of being a single mother. I didn’t know any single mothers, but I knew it was a hard road, and it was the last thing that I wanted. I wanted a family like the one I grew up in.
“Your appointment is all set,” the nurse said, smiling at me and handing me a card. “We’ll see you then, and if you need more vitamins or medicine, give us a call.”
“Thank you.” I took the card and put it in my wallet.
I walked out of the doctor’s office and stood in the sun, soaking in the warmth on my face. It was days like these that made everything bearable. They gave me hope that life wouldn’t always be as tough as it was right then. I knew it was only the momentary pass of the
sun overhead, but I lived for those small moments between the sad thoughts that went through my mind all the time. I pulled my purse in front of me and headed across the parking lot to my car. I sat inside for a moment, not believing I was already three months along. Before I knew it, the baby would be there. That was when the fear came back again, and I took in a deep breath. I put the car in drive and headed over to my parents’ house to have dinner with them. I tried to have dinner with them as often as I could now.
They knew I was pregnant, I had sat them down not long after finding out and told them. It was hard to explain to them the mistake I had made, to tell them I had slept with a complete stranger. It was even harder to tell them that afterward, I’d found out he had a family of his own. I could see my father’s heart breaking right there in his favorite chair. As much as I wanted the perfect family, my parents wanted that for me even more. They had raised me to be the kind of woman they could be proud of. It took my father a bit to come around, but finally, after about a month, he started to talk more cheerfully about the baby and ask how we were doing. It was nice having him in my life for all of it.
I pulled up to the house and waved at my dad who was out in the yard doing something tedious and time-consuming. I got out and walked up to the house, knowing that my mom would want to talk about the appointment. At that moment, I really didn’t feel like talking, but I knew it was important to keep them as close as I could. It would be important for me and for the baby. My mom was in the kitchen cooking like always, and I put down my things and went in, picking up the green beans and starting to snap the ends off them.
“Hello, sweetie.” She came over and kissed me on the top of the head. “It’s good to see you as always.”
“It’s good to see you too, Mom,” I said. “How’s that sculpture coming along?”
“It’s good,” she said excitedly. “I’m putting the overcoat on now, and then I will be adding the color. It takes a lot of time, but I love it.”
“I wish I had artistic talent.” I sighed. “I got Dad’s stick drawing ability.”
“Maybe the baby will be an artist.” she smiled. “Oh, did you have your three-month checkup today? Did you get a picture of that baby for me?”
“I did have the appointment, but the sonogram machine was in repair, so that will have to wait,” I said. “But the rest of it went really great. He used another machine and listened to the heartbeat that he could finally hear, and it was strong, which was a relief.”
“Oh, good.”
“And my blood work came back looking good,” I said. “The increase in vitamins and the fact that I am progressing well is probably the reason I don’t feel quite as bad as I did in the beginning. He’s hoping that by the second trimester, all of my morning sickness will be gone.”
“That would be wonderful,” she said. “How about your weight? I know you were concerned because you were losing weight.”
“He said I was fine. He said it was normal, and actually, I had gained a pound since my last visit,” I said. “I guess it fluctuated a bit.”
“And how are you feeling? Mentally?” She took the beans from me.
“I don’t know.” I sighed. “I’m scared, I guess. I’m scared of a lot of things. It’s scary to go through this alone, and I know I have you guys and the girls, but I mean without a partner. I’m worried something will go wrong. I’m terrified that I won’t be a good mother. I’m scared of everything.”
“That’s natural,” she said. “And I think you’ll be a fantastic mom. If I can do it, then I know you can.”
“I just wish I could find Brandt,” I said, leaning against the chair back. “Even if he does have a family, he deserves to know. It’s not my place to keep that from him. Whether he decides to be there or to tell his family is up to him.”
“You know, when I was pregnant with you, and your father and I were married, I was terrified,” she said. “I was terrified of all of those things, especially feeling alone and helpless, even if he was right there with me. When you were born, though, as soon as I held you in my arms, I knew that everything was going to be okay. If you really feel that it’s imperative that Brandt knows, then keep searching. Understand, though, that if you find him, that doesn’t mean you’ll all of a sudden not feel alone and scared anymore. You’re a good person, Emma. You made a choice that has lifelong repercussions, and that is okay because we all make those in our lives. I know that if you follow your heart, you’ll end up right where you need to be.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said, smiling. “You always have the right words.”
“Come on,” she replied, looking up as my father walked in the door. “Let’s go eat.”
We all sat down at the table and had a great meal, listening to my father talk about the fishing, my mother talk about her art, and talking about the future with the baby. When I left, I felt better than before, but Brandt was still strongly on my mind. I couldn’t help but think about him and the family that I might have been able to have if I had only left my phone number with him or gotten his. There was no guarantee he would have ever called, but it would have been better than the situation I was in.
When I got home, I was exhausted, so I climbed up the stairs and started to get ready for bed. I took off my shirt and looked in the mirror. My belly was starting to push out a little. I rubbed my hand over it and thought about the heartbeat from earlier. There really was a tiny human inside of me, fighting to get stronger.
“Hey there,” I said, talking to the baby for the first time. “I am your mommy, and I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to protect you and keep you safe. You don’t have to hurry. You’re in a good place right now.”
I sighed and turned, pulling on a pajama top and climbing into my bed. I lay awake thinking about Brandt and how much I really needed him at that moment. I wanted nothing more than to feel his arms wrapped around me, his voice whispering that everything was going to be okay. Three months had flown by, and this baby was going to be there before I knew it. I knew that I had to find Brandt, and I had to find him fast.
Chapter 17
Brandt
“Can I get you a drink?” the stewardess asked.
“No, thank you,” I said. “I’m okay.”
I turned back and shifted in my seat. I had gotten the last available seat on the plane, and though it wasn’t comfortable, it was one of the most important seats I had ever purchased. I could feel the nerves in my body surging through me, and though normally I fell asleep on flights, there was no way I was going to be able to rest on that one. It was not only the most important seat but also the most important flight I had ever been on. I looked down at my hands, grasping onto the small square business card in my fingers.
It was like fate, and I still couldn’t believe what had happened. I had taken my monthly cleaning day off from work, feeling more dismal than ever. I still hadn’t found Emma, and I felt like I was reaching a point where I was finally going to give up the search. It had been months, three months, and there wasn’t a single sign of her whereabouts. That day, I decided to move the furniture to vacuum underneath. When I picked up the couch, I chuckled, looking at all the toys that Sicily had lost under there. As I was picking them up, I found it. It was a business card that looked like it had been under there for a while. There was an imprint in the carpet from where the couch had pressed down on it. At first, I didn’t even look at it, figuring it was one of mine that had slipped out of my pocket.
I slowly picked up all the toys and took them to Sicily’s playroom and returned, grabbing the card and walking toward the trash can. I stepped on the pedal to open the lid and happened to glance down before tossing it. I didn’t recognize the print, so I took a closer look. My mouth hung open, and I walked over to the couch, sitting down and staring at it. It was Emma’s business card. Either it had fallen out of her purse or she had left it behind, and it had gotten pushed under the couch. Either way, it had her full name, Emma Lauder, and the name and nu
mber of the graphics company that she worked for. I couldn’t believe my eyes.
Immediately, I got up and walked into the bedroom, completely in a haze, and picked up my phone, dialing the number. I got a message that the phone number had been disconnected, so I called information looking for another listing. Unfortunately, there wasn’t another listing, so I grabbed my laptop and started searching for the website. Of course, when I found it, it was under construction, and there was no more information on how to find the place.
I patted the card against my hand, thinking about how the universe had finally given me a sign. I might not have her phone number, but I had her full name, and now I knew for sure that she was from Camden. I looked around the room at the empty walls, the quiet of the house, and felt like I was all alone in the world. I had to find her, to have her in front of me. I picked the phone back up and called my mother.
“Mom,” I said excitedly. “Can you watch Sicily for tonight, maybe more?”
“Sure,” she said. “Are you okay?”
“I found her business card, Mom.” I laughed. “It was under the couch. I have to go to Camden and find her.”
“Then do it,” she said, laughing in return. “Good luck.”
“Thanks.” I hung up and accomplished the fastest bag packing I’d ever done.
I went straight to the airport and bought the last ticket to Bangor, Maine, the closest airport to her. I couldn’t let the opportunity pass me by. And that was how I ended up right there, gripping tightly to a piece of paper and feeling more nervous than I ever had before. The plane ride was only an hour long, and the drive was another hour, but still, I would get to Camden right in the middle of the day, which was perfect because I would still need to hunt her down when I got there. I didn’t have a lot of leads, but I had that card, and that was enough motivation for me.