by Jamie Knight
“Back at ya,” I replied, trying not to laugh.
“I'm serious,” he said.
“Me too,” I said, sitting up on the table. “It doesn't have to be fake, you know. It sure feels real.”
He didn’t answer.
I looked up, feeling confused.
Liam was pale, and he was frowning. “What would you like for breakfast?” he asked, nearly running over to the stove.
I knew I had said the wrong thing. It was so dumb.
Chapter Thirteen - Liam
The bacon sizzled in the pan like a fireworks display, and I stood there watching it and ignoring the rest of the world.
I hadn't thought to ask if Hayley ate meat or not, I just started cooking. I hoped she did, considering it was the same protein-based breakfast I have been eating every morning since I started bulking up in high school. I hadn't planned on going into the military at that point. I was mostly trying to dissuade the bullies who had picked on me since grade school. I couldn't stand to see people being held down for no reason. Likely that was why I joined the army in the first place.
I could hear her breathing behind me. Hayley hadn’t said a word since I started cooking. There was tension between us.
I had let things get too complicated. Hayley was confused. Nothing about this engagement was real — except maybe the sex. But now, she seemed to think there was something more. What could I possibly say to her at this point?
Serving up the two big plates of food, I put them, along with two big glasses of orange juice onto the table.
“Breakfast is ready,” I said, still not wanting to look her in the face.
“Okay,” she replied, sitting in the chair before her and slouching to cover her beautiful tits.
That didn’t make me happy at all. She was so free with her body before. We both had been nude for almost all weekend.
In silence, we started eating. Between bites, I would take glances at Hayley from across the table. She really was beautiful and fucked really well for someone who was a virgin not long before. I tried to remember the last time I'd had sex like that and drew a blank. I didn't want to get too close, the whole thing was supposed to be fake after all, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I could be happy with Hayley. She really was turning out to be everything I ever wanted. I tried not to think about it. That was dumb.
“How is it?” I asked, the silence getting to be too much.
“Great, I could get used to this,” she said with a smile, caught herself, and then blushed. “I mean, thank you.”
Should I just push on? Should I assume that the plan for her to go with me to the wedding is still on? Hayley hadn’t left yet, so maybe we were okay. Maybe she realized her own slip-up, and we could move past it. I guess I should move on.
I nodded. “Right, I was born in Santa Rosa and raised in Echo Park. One sister, parents dead. My best friend in high school was Jared, and we met at a video-game competition. I went into the army after high school and served for eight years before being discharged due to injury, honorably, of course.”
“Whoa,” Hayley said, dropping her fork and putting her hands to her temples, “what's with the info dump?”
“You need to know this, at least for the wedding. We are supposed to be engaged, so it is important that we know everything about each other, or at least as near as possible. You're still down for it, right? I mean, I'm not forcing you or anything.”
She sat back a bit, obviously shocked. “Um, yeah, of course, you surprised me a bit is all. It's just a bit early. You know how it is. I can barely remember my own name before eating something in the morning,” she said, not sounding convincing at all.
I nodded and went back to eating. “Good because we've put a lot of work in,” I told her.
Picking her fork up off the table, she went back to eating as well. Silence stretched between us again.
“I-I have to go,” Hayley said, finishing off her plate and juice in record time. She stood and started heading towards the bedroom.
I pushed back my chair and followed. “What? Why?” I asked.
“I have to go see Jacob,” she explained, starting to put her clothes on. “I should check on him.”
“I thought he was staying with-”
“He is.”
“Is he okay? Did something change?” I asked, getting concerned.
“Oh, no, he's fine,” Hayley said, buttoning up her blouse. “ I just don't feel right leaving him for so long. He doesn’t do very well at our parents’.”
I watched her as she packed, feeling lost. It seemed strange that she would leave so fast, but I could also understand how she was worried about her brother, especially under the circumstances. I certainly knew about the pain and dangers of PTSD. I'd seen it lots before, as well as knew how hard it was to get effective help. A problem going back decades as far as I understood.
“I'll see you tomorrow, right?” I asked, the question surprising me almost as much as it seems to surprise her. “I’ll drive you to work, like usual?”
Hayley looked at me like she was trying to decide if I was serious or not. “Maybe,” she said finally, before walking out.
The pain in my chest was palpable and intense. Almost as much as the pain in my leg, which faded by comparison. I hurt her, and I knew it.
Chapter Fourteen - Hayley
My hands were shaking. Badly. I looked again at the phone screen, which seemed to rotate in front of me. I felt like I was having a panic attack. I was still trying to figure out exactly what happened yesterday morning.
I felt like Liam might have been using me. For my body. My virginity. I didn't think he was lying about finding me hot and all that. I didn't know what he thought about me besides that — if he only wanted me as arm candy to look cool at his friend’s wedding. It was basically how we got into this situation. It was what threw us together.
The sex came as a surprise and was not part of the plan. I didn't think he really planned it either, I could give him that much, but it didn't change how I felt. I wanted him, for real and was not sure if he felt the same.
I got the number, dialed, and hit send. The phone was ringing. I hoped that Liam wouldn't pick up, not even sure I could stand hearing his voice. The call went to voicemail, and I relaxed. I told his voicemail as calmly as I could that we knew enough about each other, and we didn't need to spend as much time together. There was no need for him to pick me up today.
I wasn't mean, at least I hoped not. I didn't hate him. Not yet. I still wasn't really sure how I felt. I thought it was just best to stay away from him for a while until I could figure things out.
It was the first time I have gone into the office without cookies for a while. After what happened in the house at Big Sur, I didn't really feel comfortable baking anymore. It annoyed me because I used to like it so much. I wore my old clothes, having donated the clothes I had bought with Liam's money. I still had the red dress in case we were still going to the wedding, but I no longer liked how it fit me. It felt really revealing, which made me feel shy.
I sat in the chair at my desk, sincerely hoping that Ann wouldn't need much. I didn't really feel like talking to anyone. Both Vicky and Amelia passed my desk while going about their business, and I avoided eye contact, hoping they won't talk to me. I did this for them as much as myself. I didn't want to snap at them or burst out crying, both of which would be really embarrassing as well as equally likely.
Before too long, Ann came out of her office. I really hoped she was just going to lunch or something, but I could hear her coming toward my desk. I cursed silently and prepared myself for the worst.
“Hey,” Ann said, sounding concerned.
I made a grunt I intend to mean “hey” but ended up sounding more like I had a stomachache.
“What's wrong?” she asked bluntly, seeing right through me.
“I -”
“Come on,” Ann said, heading for the elevators. “We're
going to get coffee.”
The café was just up the street from the law building. One of those pseudo-Parisian hipster places. Ann was buying so it didn't matter. I still had a lot of Liam's money, my tastes just not being that expensive, but I wasn't really comfortable using it. It made me feel like a sugar baby, so I was glad I didn't even have to think about it.
“Want to sit outside?” Ann asked as we got our drinks.
“No, too many smokers,” I said, as though I needed a reason, and all forms of smoking hadn't been banned at the cafe's sidewalk seating.
“Cool,” Ann said in her relaxed, easy way, heading for an interior table.
“It's Liam,” I said as we sat.
“What happened?” Ann asked.
“Nothing much really,” I lied.
“Bullshit,” Ann said, clearly knowing it when she heard it.
“I thought things were going really well with Liam, that it might actually be real, but then he brought me back to earth. It was nice while it lasted, but it ends like everything does in the end.”
“Wow,” Ann said.
“What?” I asked.
“I had no idea you were actually so negative. I thought maybe you were just having a bad day.”
“About a year's worth,” I said, laughing without humor.
“Why?”
“M-my brother, Jacob. He's my twin. We're not identical, obviously, but we still have the bond. He was in Iraq. Part of me died when he came back with PTSD. He barely even responds anymore. Has what they call a hundred-yard stare. I have no idea what's going on in his head or if he is even in there anymore. He won't talk to me. According to what the military told me he was coming back to the vehicle after a foot patrol when it was hit by a rocket. Every boy in his unit died, as well as an embedded journalist and independent photographer. Jacob only survived because he was still far enough outside the blast radius. Didn't stop him from seeing everything. The doctors tell me he should come out of it, but I'm not so sure. Something just doesn't feel right. I want to get him into some proper therapy but can't afford it yet. Liam offered to help but never followed through.”
Ann nodded. “We should talk to my friend Carl. He had some PTSD when he came back too. Nothing like what you're describing with your brother, but he'll probably have some ideas on how to go about getting help. Let me call him and set up something for tonight. I may not be able to help with Liam, but this I can do.”
She took my hand over the table and squeezed it.
Getting help with Jacob really would help me.
Chapter Fifteen - Hayley
That night, as Ann drove us over to the restaurant, I thought about how disappointed I was that Liam never followed through with his offer to help Jacob. He seemed so impassioned about helping at the time, but then nothing. But what was I expecting? It wasn’t like he owed me anything. I had assumed too much.
We had to wait until Carl was off work, but it felt like it would be worth it. It was kind of odd going to see someone who was a friend of Liam’s. I didn't really know Carl, and asking strangers for help was hard. It made me feel very nervous. But he was also Ann's friend too, and it was through her that I was meeting him, which made a difference. At least to me. I didn't know if Ann thought about such things.
I just about screamed when I saw the place. We were going to Mama Dee's. I kept it inside for Jacob's sake. Even though the place brought up hard feelings about Liam, I needed to be strong from my brother.
Carl was already there, apparently having the same military punctuality as Liam. He looked a bit older than Liam and was solidly built and handsome, wearing a nicely tailored suit that gave him the look of an old-time banker.
“Hey,” Ann said.
“Hey,” Carl said, standing up from out of the booth.
They hugged and somehow kissed on the cheek despite him being a good foot taller than her.
When they were back in the booth, I went over and slid in next to Ann.
“Ah, here she is. Hayley Booth, meet Carl Whitmore.”
“Hello,” Carl said, trying to be friendly.
“Hey,” I said, looking at the tabletop.
“Hayley has something to ask you,” Ann prompted.
My heart was beating a mile a minute. Anxiety threatened to close my throat and keep me from being able to talk, but I pushed through, knowing that this was important.
“My brother, Jacob, he has PTSD and needs a therapist. I don't have much money, though.”
“I certainly know something about that,” Carl said, “I know a few really good therapists that will give the first session for free. We just need to find the one that can work with your brother and that he likes.”
“I can help others with the cost after that,” Ann said.
I sat back, shocked. “Oh no, you couldn’t,” I started, but she shook her head, refusing to hear me.
“Look, I get it. I served too,” she explained. “I know it looks bleak, but with the right help and a lot of work, your brother should get better. You just need to get used to asking for what you need and speaking up. Understand?”
“I nodded.”
This made me feel a lot better. Not a hundred percent, but most of my mood clouds cleared in that moment. There was still the ache in my heart, though. The one put there by Liam.
“So, I hear that you are coming to my wedding,” Carl started as if he was reading my mind. “I can’t believe that Liam kept you a secret all this time. That man is so secretive.”
“Really?” I asked. “I- I mean about other things as than the engagement.”
Carl nodded. “Totally. We work together every day. Served together. Hell, we even eat lunch together, but Liam never talks about his personal life. I didn’t even think that he dated, to be honest.” He winked at me. “I figured that he was just scared of commitment or some deal like that.”
Next to me, Ann shrugged. “Happens to a lot of people who have been through hard things.” She turned to look me right in the face. “Sometimes when someone gets injured badly like your brother or Liam, they can’t accept what their new reality is. That feeling sinks in, and then it’s like they expect that no one can accept them. That feeling ends up causing them to push people away.”
Carl nodded. “So true. My fiancée and I had to go through counseling, even after I got out of therapy for PTSD. I’m just happy that Liam has someone to talk to. I hate thinking of my friend being alone.”
I smiled at him, but inside, my heart was troubled. What Liam did to me hurt. That still had to be addressed, or it might well hurt me forever. The asshole didn't even return my calls today. It was clear what I had to do. I had to get answers. I took the numbers from Carl for the therapist, thanked him honestly, and asked Ann for a favor.
Using GPS and my memory, Ann drove me to Liam's house pretty quickly. After she dropped me off and promised to wait, my heart was pounding with both fear and anticipation, much like when Liam and I fucked for the first time. I tried not to think about it. It might bias me. I didn't want to think that Liam might be using me for sex or to look good at the wedding. I wanted to think that he liked me and was maybe just afraid to admit it. It was optimistic, I knew, but I still held out hope.
Then I remembered how he had acted after taking my anal virginity and got mad again, nearly putting my fist through the door from knocking so hard.
The door opened after the second barrage, Liam darkening the doorway, looking as sexy as ever. I got wet immediately despite my seething rage. Out of nowhere, Liam grabbed me and kisses me passionately, before tenderly stroking my cheek.
I saw a woman approaching behind him.
“Hayley, honey, I'd like you to meet my sister Caroline,” Liam said, by way of introduction. “She came into town early for the wedding. Moral support and all that.”
I had no idea what he needed moral support for, and even if he did, why my job as his fake fiancée wouldn't include this. I didn't say that
though, not wanting to offend Caroline having just met her. She was basically innocent as far as I was concerned, even though the only reason Liam was only being loving toward me was for her account.
Caroline was drop-dead gorgeous like Liam was. I caught myself wondering what their parents had looked like.
“So, the stories are true,” Caroline said, extending her hand. “My bachelor brother really is taken.”
“Yep,” I said, blushing while I shook her hand, and she led me inside.
Serenely, Caroline slipped down onto the couch. She had an easy grace that I envied. “When I heard my little bro, here, was getting hitched I had to meet the woman who finally captured his heart,” she said, leaning over and smacking him playfully on the shoulder in the tradition of older siblings.
That made me think of Jacob, particularly how he used to be, back when we were kids, and it made me smile. I suddenly felt really bad and uncomfortable. Caroline, no doubt, thought I was about to be her sister-in-law. I suddenly saw the damage that could be done by our lie. I had an overwhelming urge to get away, but I couldn't just run away for fear of offending Caroline. There is only one thing to do.
“Oh dear,” I said dramatically, taking out my phone. “I have to go. I just got a text from my brother.”
My excuse made. I got back to Ann's waiting car, doing my best not to break into a run.
“How did it go?” Ann asked when I get back in.
“Not how I planned,” I told her, feeling a whole new set of emotions.
This whole plan had been a huge mistake. It would be best for everyone if Liam and I never saw each other again.
Chapter Sixteen - Liam
I felt really weird, and for me, that was saying something.
Watching Hayley storm out of here without her even saying what she stopped by for — it had me on edge. She seemed really nervous around my sister, since she had no warning that was understandable, but still, I had this feeling like everything was falling apart. Or, like I should have never started this plan in the first place.