by Stella Clark
“Bye,” she managed, wondering again about the man she had married.
She stood frozen for a moment, realizing the thought she’d just had about him. Emma had meant it, too. But why would she want to kiss him? They didn’t have that type of relationship. Forcing herself out the door, she tried to think as Slade sang on the walk home.
Maybe they could have that type of relationship? If not now, then perhaps someday. Suddenly it was all that she wanted. She’d give up everything if Jay would just wrap his arms around her.
She swallowed hard, trying to understand the rush of emotions. The first one had broken through and now the others wanted to follow. There was so much she didn’t know, so much she didn’t understand. But the one thing she knew for sure, Emma discovered, was that he was a better man than anyone else she knew. And she wanted him to be hers.
***
It was only that evening, after putting the children to bed, that Emma found herself looking out the window for Jay, waiting eagerly for him to return home. As she sat and waited, she wondered why. Why had her thoughts changed? And what were these feelings inside of her? She wondered if they would make sense when she saw him again. She just wanted to stay up to see his face before retiring for the evening. What was there to do once he arrived? Tell him about the garden? About Amber had done well in class? What did she want to say to him? Biting her lip, Emma wondered if she was going crazy. Elizabeth had made marriage and love make more sense than this.
Emma paused at that word. All that she knew was that every time she thought about her husband, her heart skipped another beat and she longed to see him again. Certainly, that meant nothing, she told herself. It wasn’t love. It couldn’t be.
But, Emma pondered, what was love?
Chapter Ten
When the hymn ended, everyone sat down. Jay’s gaze drifted around the chapel as the preacher started talking. They sat in the back row, just like he always had. Slade still often tried to chatter during the sermon, and they needed the distance from the pulpit. And besides, he was one of the tallest men in town, so he wanted to stay out of the way.
“One of the most sacred blessings we receive is the gift of marriage,” the preacher started his sermon. Mr. Handel beamed at his congregation. “As much of a blessing as it may be, marriage is also a responsibility. We are tasked in this sacred union to care for one another, to understand one another, to cherish one another.”
So that was the topic. Rubbing his hands together, Jay found a smudge on his hand and frowned. He’d bathed last night, trying to remove all the grease, soot, and other dirt off his body. Apparently, that hadn’t worked.
“As our faith must be firmly set upon the Lord, our families must be firmly set upon our bonds in this sacred union. We support each other. We care for each other. We listen to each other.”
He shifted uncomfortably. It wasn’t that Jay disagreed with Mr. Handel. He knew the importance of a good marriage. His eyes skirted over to Emma, whose gaze had drifted to the children who were elbowing each other, and she began whispering to them. Jay thought back to his first wife, Daisy, and the day they had married.
A rainy Wednesday. Daisy had worried it was a bad omen, but he had assured her it was nothing. Perhaps she had been right all along. Their relationship had not been as good as he had thought it was. Whether it was because they had married too young or didn’t fit right, he didn’t know anything except that he had learned his lesson. Marriage and love weren’t for him.
When he glanced at Emma the next time, she was looking at him. A heavy weight settled over his shoulders. He was married again, and he realized he didn’t regret it. Not really. Suddenly Jay wished to know what she was thinking more than anything in the world.
***
The walk home after church was quiet. Slade was tired, curling up in Jay’s arms. To his right, Amber clutched his shirt sleeve as she counted her steps, practicing her numbers. And on his left, Emma kept her gaze lowered. Jay found himself wondering what she had thought of the sermon about marriage. He wanted to ask, but his tongue stuck to the top of his mouth.
“Thank you,” she murmured when he opened the front door for her. Emma ducked her head in and waited in the doorway as he closed the door behind them. Once everyone’s hats were off, Emma put them away and he set Slade down on a chair for a nap.
Amber tugged at his shirt. “I want to see the horses, Uncle Jay. You said I could see the horses. I didn’t see them yesterday because it was laundry day. Please? Can I see the horses now?”
Jay had forgotten. He glanced up as Emma returned, tying her apron around her waist as she headed towards the kitchen. Frowning, he considered saying no, but he saw the pout Amber wore and knew he should keep his promise. “Emma?” He cleared his throat. “Amber and I are going to stop by the stables.”
Emma glanced back with a smile before nodding to Slade. “I’ll keep an eye on him, don’t worry. Supper should be ready in a few hours.”
Cheering, Amber danced around Jay’s legs as he took her back out the door. Though the little girl chattered as they walked, he found himself unable to stop thinking about Emma. Her soft expressions told him so little. Jay wished she would tell him more, that she would share all of her thoughts. She shared some, certainly, but there were moments where she fell quiet and he’d give anything to know what was on her mind.
***
It was after supper when he decided to try and ask her. The children went to play with the blocks as Jay helped collect the dishes for the sink.
“Thank you,” Emma beamed. “You can sit, if you like. I know you’ve had a long week.”
His muscles were sore just thinking about all ten wagons he had worked on. Work had slow moments and it had very fast ones. But that wasn’t what was on his mind. Jay looked for the courage to speak up. “We had a good sermon today?” He winced since that wasn’t supposed to be a question.
Her hands were already elbow deep in the suds. A strand of her honey-colored hair fell into her eyes as she looked up. Jay wondered if he’d eaten something wrong from the way his throat closed up. “Yes.” Emma’s smile widened. “I enjoyed it. What did you like from his sermon?”
He tried to think. “The scripture passages were good.”
Emma nodded thoughtfully. “Yes. When he brought up charity, I thought that was lovely. Marriage is a—quite a sacred union,” she offered slowly. “There’s a lot of potential good from it.”
“A blessing from God,” Jay offered. Rubbing the back of his neck, he tried to remember why he had wanted to bring this up to her. “Right.” Now he just looked like a fool.
The strand of hair on her face was bothering him. It was in their way. When his hands started to itch, he couldn’t suppress the urge any longer. Reaching forward, Jay swept his hand across her cheek, carefully pinning the hair behind her ear. Emma held perfectly still even after he pulled his hand back.
When he blinked, the moment was over, and he realized what he had done. Jay took a step back. “Sorry,” he muttered awkwardly. “I didn’t mean to …”
“No, it’s all right.” She took a step forward, arms dripping wet on the edge of the sink.
“I should …” Jay hesitated one last time before forcing himself out of the kitchen. He needed a moment alone.
Chapter Eleven
As she found herself in love with her husband, Emma didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t ignore her heart any longer. Every time they were together, she was looking for an excuse to be closer. She tried to find funny stories to make him laugh and tried to keep track of all the smiles he shared with her.
All morning she tried to keep her mind focused. But they kept returning to him. Jay. He was her husband, after all. This should have been natural, normal. If only she hadn’t agreed to the convenience part of their marriage. She sighed through her porridge and watched the children play with her yarn and knitting needles.
By lunch, she couldn’t just sit around the house anymore. Clapping her hands
together, Emma caught the children’s attention. “Shall we go on another picnic?”
“Yeah!” the children cheered, standing up to dance around in circles.
Her first week there, Jay had taken her around town. He had pointed out the mercantile, the river, and a particularly nice grove of trees on the outskirts of town that made for a perfect picnic spot. They’d started using it on a regular basis. While they’d already enjoyed one picnic that week, Emma saw no reason that there couldn’t be another.
On the way, they passed Jay’s two workstations. The forge’s doors were closed which meant Jay was busy. She didn’t want to interrupt, but they waved when they spotted Nathaniel. After that, it was easier to stop thinking about Jay and his hot forge and his strong arms and kind smile and quiet manners.
A little easier, Emma amended. “Help me with the blanket,” she instructed the children when they arrived in the grove, tugging the blanket out. They set everything up and dove in, playing and eating as the afternoon passed them by.
Emma’s attention focused on the children as they played and ran and ate. The sky was beginning to darken before she even noticed any time had passed. Hastily she stood, realizing she’d be late to cook supper if they didn’t return home then. Spotting the children by a tree, Emma waved her arms. “Kids! It’s time to go home.”
She was just folding the napkins around the plates when a shadow crossed her path, blocking the sun out. Emma squinted up, trying to make out the dark figure.
“Well, if it isn’t Miss Emma,” drawled a familiar voice.
Bryan Jackson stood with his hands on his hips, smiling down at her. She shifted uneasily on her knees before standing. Glancing around, she found his horse tied to a nearby tree and wondered how she hadn’t noticed his arrival.
Emma offered a polite smile, wondering why he was there. “Mr. Jackson. How are you?”
He tipped his hat, but she noticed how his eyes trailed across her from head to toe. It made her squirm, but he didn’t notice. Or he did and he didn’t mind. “I’m well. Better now that I’m seeing you. I must say, this is a beautiful little spot you found yourself.”
Nodding, she glanced around. “Isn’t it? I come often with the children.” There were large oak trees offering plenty of shade, large berry bushes nearby, and even a clump of colorful flowers by the trickling stream. That’s where the children were. Emma noticed Slade had his feet in the water and hoped he had taken his shoes off first. She waved to them, beckoning them to return. They really needed to leave.
But Mr. Jackson tugged her attention way, blocking her view of the children. “Really? I’ve never seen you here before. I consider myself quite the expert in all things beautiful. Beautiful groves, beautiful women …” he trailed off, eyeing her again.
A shiver ran down her spine as Emma flushed at his impropriety. He knew she was married, after all. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think you should …”
He waved away her concerns. “And beautiful horses. I just brushed out my Appaloosa’s mane, you know. Thought you’d like to see for yourself. He’s right here.” Emma hesitated. “Just for a moment,” Mr. Jackson winked as he ran a hand through his thick blond hair. “Better do it before we wind up in the dust again.”
Perhaps that would be enough to get him to leave. Offering a tight smile, Emma nodded and followed after him. Mr. Jackson patted his hand against the animal’s neck in a friendly manner. It was so casual that she couldn’t help but smile, admiring the creature. He was nearly blue with cloudy spots, like the sky.
“Here.” He grabbed her hand when she didn’t move closer and put it on the horse’s mane. Her eyes widened but he didn’t let go. Carefully, he guided her touch up along the neck. She tried to concentrate on the animal and not the man, wishing her hand would stop shaking.
She attempted to tug her hand back. “He’s lovely,” Emma volunteered. “Beautiful.”
“Just like you,” Mr. Jackson said agreeably as he swung into the saddle. She started, wondering how he clutched the reins and still her hand. “Don’t you want to go for a ride?”
Clearing her throat, Emma wondered if she’d given him the wrong message. She’d only tried to be polite. Hurriedly she shook her head. “I-I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s proper. You should go. We shouldn’t—”
“Nonsense,” he ignored her protests as he tugged her closer. When she stumbled against the saddle, he leveraged that stumble to grab her waist and lift her into the saddle. The ground disappeared from beneath her as she gasped at this sudden change. She was half sitting, half lying across the saddle, and completely frozen.
Squirming, Emma could hardly tell which way was up. Her heart thumped as she tried to understand what had just happened. “Mr. Jackson! Let me down, please. This is—please, I can’t—” she scrambled for something to hold onto and found only him. But she didn’t want him. Her hair spilled around her face, blocking her view as panic climbed through her limbs. What was he thinking? They weren’t alone. There were Amber and Slade. Where were the children? Emma felt a scream build up inside her.
“Let’s go for a ride,” she heard Mr. Jackson say above her.
“No!” Emma tried to shout. Trying to wave her arms around, she kicked and tried to see through her hair. She thought of the children, craning her neck to look around. They couldn’t be left alone. They were too young. Fear strained her heart as she gasped for breath. As the horse began to move, she grappled awkwardly to control any of her movements. “Mr. Jackson! Please, stop!” But her punches got her nowhere and she felt the world begin to spin.
Chapter Twelve
Jay headed home early, eager to surprise Emma and help finish preparing supper. But when he stepped in the front door, no one was there to greet him. Immediately, the silence bothered him. He wasn’t used to it anymore. Jay rubbed his neck as he went inside and wondered if they were hiding from him. Amber liked that game.
“Emma?” Nothing. “Amber, are you there? Where are you, Slade?” No one was there.
An uncomfortable pit developed inside his stomach. His smile faded. Something was wrong. Swallowing his confusion, Jay headed back to the forge in case they had gone to see him.
“All right, boss?” Nathaniel offered when he arrived.
Jay glanced around and asked, “You haven’t seen my family, have you?”
“They passed by a few hours ago. Looked like they were going on one of those picnics.”
Right, a picnic. He hadn’t considered that. His shoulders straightened a little. That was definitely an option. “Thank you, Nathaniel,” Jay nodded, but before leaving, decided on a whim to ride a horse out there. The kids would enjoy coming back on one, after all.
But why would they still be out? Emma made a point to always be at home in the evening for him. They always had supper at the same time so they could clean up and read with the children before they went to bed. She was smart like that, and responsible and clever. And pretty.
He shook his head, trying to get outside of his mind. There were too many of those thoughts floating around inside his head lately. But he wanted to talk to Emma about some of that. First, he had to find them. Jay rolled his sleeves up and headed down the lane. The warm evening led sweat to drip down his spine. Brushing back his hair, he squinted towards the grove.
Before he reached it, he noticed a familiar blanket in the grass. Frowning, Jay picked up his pace and slid off the horse. There was no one around the picnic spot. Most of the food and plates were tucked inside the basket, almost as if Emma had just stepped away. As he looked around, he didn’t see his wife.
“Jay Jay!”
He sighed in relief as he found Slade running with open arms. Amber followed close behind. They came from the direction of the road, however, where he had told them not to play. Still, he opened his arms to them as they hugged him and began chattering loudly.
“We found three frogs!”
“It was really pretty! Then Emma went really fast there.”
�
��Then we found the rabbit.”
“I wanted to tell him. Uncle Jay, a rabbit!”
Jay went back and forth between them, only half listening as he looked around for his wife. Only she wasn’t there. Emma never appeared from the path the children had come from or near the river. He felt his body begin to tense. She was never far from them. Where could she be? Was she all right?
“Emma!” he called over the children’s heads. “Emma! Where are you? Amber, where’s Aunt Emma?”
It was Slade who answered. “She went past the rabbit. Auntie Emma didn’t see the rabbit.”
Amber pouted. “She went too fast.”
“Fast?” Jay crouched down, grabbing both children by their shoulders. He looked at them sternly and used his serious voice. “I need her. Where is she?”
They continued to point the same direction they had come from. “It was the cowboy,” Amber explained. Slade quietly repeated the same thing, but he was staring at his shoes. They were soaking wet.
Cowboy? Jay glanced down the road as Bryan Jackson came to mind. The young, handsome cowboy, closer to Emma’s age, who had made her laugh. A man who had a reputation for talking big, who dressed well and would never be caught with soot on his hands. Jay swallowed hard.
Then it was happening all over again. His wife was about to leave him. For some reason, he was never enough. Where had he gone wrong? He sat back, stunned. Jay dropped his arms from the children, trying to think. He couldn’t keep losing people like this.
Amber wrapped her arms around his neck. “We need Auntie Emma, Uncle Jay. Are you going to help her?”
“What … if she wanted to leave, I won’t stop her,” Jay forced the words out. He shook his head and turned to them. They were alone again. “Maybe we should go home.”