by Willow Aster
Her eyes widen and then blink fast the longer I talk. I think I see her tears coming, but I’m not done.
“I’m not listening to you anymore. You lost that right the first time you left me. It’s just taken me this long to not want you. You need to go. I’m better off without you. In fact, I’d be just fine if I never saw you again for the rest of my life.”
My face is on fire and my throat burns from unshed tears. Unable to stand one more minute in a room with her, I walk out the door and go across the street to Shoney’s. I ask if they’re hiring and they say they actually do desperately need help. I tell them about my experience and perkily add that I am the right person for the job. They hire me on the spot and I’m so relieved, I feel lightheaded. Joann, the manager, asks if I can stay for a couple hours to train and then do a full 8 hours the next day. Oh blessed distraction. My tasks are so similar to the ones I did at Harriet’s, I learn the job in no time. The other waitresses are friendly enough and the customers treat me well as I follow Linda, the waitress training me. I feel confident I’ll be able to do this job well.
When I cross the street later that night, the car is still in front of the room and I take a deep breath before I go in to face my mother.
The room is empty when I enter. None of her things are there—no clothes, no suitcase, nothing. She’s gone. On the kitchen counter, the keys are sitting on top of a note, along with four twenty-dollar bills.
Caroline,
Grant came to get me. I’m sorry you don’t appreciate the sacrifices I’ve made for you. I feel bad for what has happened to you, but you have to live with your part in that. There are consequences to every action. It looks like you’ll have to learn that the hard way.
You’ve always been able to take care of yourself and will do fine now. I don’t know why I thought you needed me. You never have, not really.
I’m leaving the car for you. I know you’ve never driven much, but it will get easier the more you do it. Someone will let you know when it’s safe to come back to Tulma. I’m not sure yet if I’ll be in Tulma or if I’ll go ahead to San Antonio. Until it’s safe, stay here. I’ve paid for the month.
Mama
I put the money and keys in my purse. I open the dresser and take out my crowded clothes, spreading them out among the four drawers. I have a month and a job. I can do this. I won’t shed a single tear over that woman again. She’s not a mother. I’m thrilled she’s gone. I’ll never have to live with her again—and I won’t be going back to Tulma. Ever.
I’m hollow with missing Isaiah, but every time I picture his sad eyes, I remind myself that I’m doing what’s best for him. Having my mother around was torture, but as unwelcome as it was, it did keep me from thinking about Isaiah at least a small part of the time. Now, I’m completely alone in my anguish.
I’m still happy she’s gone.
THE TIME GOES by quickly the next day at Shoney’s. I don’t really like the brown uniform, but it makes things simpler to know what to wear every day. Before I know it, a week has passed, and I’ve worked 40 hours. I’m ready for a day off and grateful to finally have one. I walk across the street and eye the car. Tomorrow will be the day I learn to drive it. Joann said there’s a large school parking lot closeby that should be empty tomorrow since it’s a Saturday. She doesn’t know that I’ll be teaching myself to drive, but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
I cross the street, feeling exhausted, but pleased with the check that will be coming in another week. The sun is starting to set and I enjoy the wind on my face. I don’t see him at first, but when I get closer to my car, he stands up.
His eyes crinkle at my surprise, that smile of his that I love—the one that makes his entire face shine.
“Isaiah!” The breath is knocked out of me.
“Hi, Caroline. How are you? I’ve missed you.” He seems a little reserved.
“I’ve missed you too. What—is everything okay?”
“Everything is great—I have some good news.”
I look around and make sure no one is watching us as I unlock the door. We step inside, close the door, and we look at each other shyly for a full minute. He laughs and takes me in his arms.
“I’m so happy to see you,” he whispers in my ear. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you for a second.”
I look at him and can’t help but smile, even though I’m not sure how I feel about him being here. “What are you doing here, Isaiah? How did you ever find me?”
“Come here, let’s sit down.” He grabs my hand and we sit down at the table. He doesn’t let go of me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so animated.
“What’s going on?”
“Aren’t you happy to see me?” He grins and leans forward to kiss my cheek.
“So happy.” I admit. “I never expected…to see you today.”
His joy is infectious and I allow myself to just be happy he’s here, for whatever reason. Any amount of time I might get with him, even if it’s just for an hour. He’s here. I thought I’d never see him again.
“You don’t have to worry about Leroy and Les ever again, Caroline. They’ve been taken care of and won’t hurt anyone anymore.” He runs his finger along my jaw line and watches my reaction.
I stand up and clinch my hands together. “What happened, Isaiah? Tell me everything.” My heart is pounding, and I’m terrified by what he’ll say.
“I can’t tell you everything, but trust me, it’s all been taken care of. You have a lot of friends in Tulma…more than you even know...and…”
“What do you mean by that? What part did you play in this? Or was it the Klan? I didn’t ask for that. I don’t want any part of them! Leroy and Les should be in jail, no one needed to “take care” of them for me!” I begin pacing the room. “I don’t agree with how the Klan operates. And I certainly don’t want anyone I love going after them and going to jail! If anyone should have killed them, it should have been me!”
The craziness of what I’ve just said hits me and I have to sit back down.
“Slow down. They had it coming, Caroline. They pushed too far. They went on a little spree after they left your house that night and were taken out. It wasn’t the Klan, but I can’t tell you who it was. Just trust me, it all worked out. The police were glad to get that trash off the street.”
I stand up and begin pacing again with Isaiah on my heels. I trip over the carpet and Isaiah grabs me and holds me still. He takes my face in his hands and speaks softly.
“Please don’t worry about me or anyone else. I know you’ll have to deal with everything that happened to you for a long time, maybe forever, I don’t know…but you never have to be afraid of those two ever again. That part is over.”
He bends down and leans his forehead against mine. I close my eyes and imagine Les and Leroy going down with a thud. The weight of the world leaves my shoulders, and I take a deep breath that actually reaches my lungs.
It’s over.
WE STARE AT each other for a long time, taking each other in, neither of us saying a word. For the longest time, we don’t move, just feel the luxury of being able to look at each other without anyone else interrupting the moment. There is no one around to hide anything from, nothing to hurry off to, nowhere else to be but here, together. Finally, Isaiah moves. He winds his fingers through my hair and the other hand traces my jaw. His touch is so gentle, so very careful—as if I might fall apart like a dying rose, petals falling off one by one. Impulsively, I draw my mouth up to Isaiah’s and kiss him…hard. He kisses me back at first, and then when I lean into his body with the weight of mine, he unwinds my arms from around his neck and takes a step back.
“Caroline…” His eyes are tentative. He takes another step back and holds my hands, bringing them up to his lips, one knuckle at a time.
I don’t even know what I want. I want to forget; I want to remember. I want Isaiah back and all that we had before it was all destroyed. I want to forget all the ugliness and remember the go
od. I want to remember who I can be and forget the scarred girl who has no one. Hearing that it’s finally finished is intoxicating. And it seems like a lifetime that I’ve been looking over my shoulder for one reason or another. No more. I don’t want to be fragile another day of my life. I’m desperate to have some life sparked back in me again.
“Isaiah…” I say and close some of the space between us.
He nervously smiles at me, confused by my boldness. I know he doesn’t want to make a wrong move with me. I’m sorry that he has to deal with such a conundrum. A teenage boy in a motel room with the girl he loves, and all outside influences completely out of the picture should feel like an opportune moment to seize.
“I need to wipe the visions of…everything…out of my mind.” Tears burn my eyes and I angrily swipe them away. “Every time I lie down at night, they’re all I see.” My voice cracks. “I used to see you and that’s what I want... “
“I’m just not sure you’re ready for this, Caroline. You know I want to. I always want to be with you.” He pulls me in and places his chin on my shoulder.
“I need new memories of us,” I whisper.
I know it doesn’t make much sense when I say it out loud, but for me, tonight, it’s the only way I can imagine putting Les and Leroy out of my mind.
Isaiah takes a huge breath. “I just don’t want to do anything you’ll regret.” He leans back and stares me down. “I couldn’t take that. Just make sure that if you start changing your mind, you’ll tell me.” He grins his stop-my-heart grin and tugs on my hair. “I’m happy just looking at you.”
“You are all that is good, Isaiah.”
IT REALLY DOES help.
I was afraid I would never want to do that. Ever. But with Isaiah, it’s just right. The hollowed-out hole that’s been residing in my chest fills just a little and I feel almost like myself again.
Much, much later, when our eyelids finally begin to droop, Isaiah looks at me tenderly and tells me how much he loves me.
“I love you too.” I sleepily smile back.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks for about the tenth time.
All through the night, he has made sure I’m not hurting or uncomfortable and that I want to continue with every step we take.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
And I mean it. If he’ll just hold me every night like this for the rest of my life, I will be okay.
I SLEEP A deep, dreamless sleep and wake up feeling I have slept for twelve full hours, instead of the actual four. My legs are tangled around Isaiah’s, and he’s watching me, holding his breath. I smile at him and sigh when I see the immediate relief wash over his face. He must have been worried about the emotions the morning light might bring. I move my head onto his chest and try to reassure him that I’m right where I want to be.
We finally untangle ourselves from each other and decide we have to eat sometime. We take a long shower and get dressed, stopping to kiss each other again before we go out the door.
Isaiah groans. “You keep kissing me like this, I won’t need any food ever again.”
Suddenly I don’t want to share him with anyone, so I put my hand on his arm and say, “How about we drive through somewhere and bring it back here?”
He nods and backs me against the wall, kissing me. “Sounds good to me.”
Eventually we get in his car and drive through a McDonald’s, something we never get to eat at home. His hand is on my leg while he drives and when we stop to place our order, we can’t take our eyes off of each other. We order and as soon as we get our food, we head back to the room and spend the rest of the day and night intoxicated with each other. Every minute with him heals me.
THE NEXT MORNING, we walk to Shoney’s. I’m starving and have a hankerin’ for their pancakes. I smile brightly at Joann when I see her. “I was just missing it over here.” I shrug, thinking she will laugh.
She doesn’t say anything, but seats us near the back of the restaurant. I don’t think much of it, just that she must not be in a great mood. When I see her walk over to the waitresses and say something and then they all look over at us, I get an uneasy feeling.
We sit in the booth, memories of the time in our room making us shy with one another in the daylight. I think surely there must be a sign blinking over my head, letting the world know that I’ve been misbehaving for two days straight.
Isaiah smiles over at me. “You look like you have a secret,” he whispers.
“It’s a good one,” I whisper back with a huge smile.
I didn’t know I could feel this lighthearted. Hope is crawling its way back into my guts.
My stomach is rumbling, and Isaiah’s is too. A half hour passes and still no one comes to take our order. I see several opportunities when Joann seems free, but she doesn’t come. Isaiah doesn’t complain, but I can tell he’s noticing the stares. My joy is beginning to fade as I realize none of them want to come wait on us.
A tall man with a burly beard that I hadn’t even noticed walks up to our table. He stands over us, glowering. “I don’t know where you two are from, but around these parts we don’t do this.” He wags his finger back and forth between Isaiah and me. He leans down and gets in Isaiah's face. “You need to get out of here, boy…before I show you what we do to niggers like you who think they’re white.” He walks over to the booth across from us and stares us down. I guess he thinks he’ll do that until we get out of here.
I start shaking and Isaiah holds onto my hand tight. Joann comes to our table then and quietly says, “You’re making some people uncomfortable in here. I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Sorry, Caroline.”
I’m in such shock that I don’t even say anything back. I wish I had. I wish I’d told both of them to stick it where the sun and moon and stars and comets and everything else…don’t shine.
I stand up and hold my hand out. Isaiah takes it and we walk out. Our mood subdued, we walk hand in hand to the edge of the street and wait until there’s a chance to cross it. The guy in the car takes a double look at us and begins yelling awful things out the window. Isaiah grips my hand harder, and we cross the street in a hurry. We make sure no one is watching as we enter the room and close the door, locking it behind us.
“This is crazy.” Isaiah walks to the window and peeks out. “I’ve gotta get you out of here. Let’s go to California. Things are different there.”
“How would we get there? We have to work to get enough money for that. I’m gonna have to get a new job now. And what about Sadie? You can’t leave her in Tulma. That would devastate her.”
“She knows I’m not happy without you. We’ll get there. Let me worry about the details.”
Shaken and upset that the whole air in the room has shifted once again to turmoil, I sit on the bed and feel exhausted. Isaiah comes and sits on the bed beside me. He takes my hand in his. “We’re hungry. I’m gonna go get you something to eat. I saw a Popeye’s just a street over.”
I nod.
He kisses me and says, “I love you, Caroline Carson.”
“I love you, Isaiah Washington.”
He grins. “That’s enough for me,” he says as he walks out the door.
HE’S GONE FOR a minute and I start piling my clothes into the suitcase and hurriedly write a note.
Dear Isaiah,
I love you. Never question that.
The last two days are something I’ll never ever forget. I’m so grateful to you for showing me what love really is. You’ve always had my heart and you always will. Always.
I can’t do this to you. I can’t, Isaiah. It will ruin your life to be with me. I love you too much to let that happen. Go home. Be happy. Find someone that you’re meant to be with…I know it will happen. You have too much love in you to not make someone so happy. It can’t be me. Deep down, I know you realize this is true.
Please don’t look for me.
Love,
Caroline
I practically run to the car and pull out of
the parking lot, tears running down my face and neck. I don’t even think about where I’m going, I just drive and drive and drive and don’t stop until I have to get gas. It’s a good thing there’s hardly anyone else on the road. I couldn’t say if I swerve or not. I’m just moving forward. I try not to think about how Isaiah felt when he realized I left. I try to only think about how much happier his life will be without all the sorrow that I’ve brought into it.
I go through Nashville and find myself in Kentucky. Spotting a motel ahead, I pull off the road. There’s a young girl in the office and I ask if there’s an available room. She studies my face and takes in the splotches, puffy eyes, and red nose, and quickly hands me a key. She catches herself staring and smiles sweetly at me and says in a slow, thick drawl, “We serve a little breakfast from 6-9. Come on back here and we’ll fix up your day.”
I nod and head out the door, quickly pulling up to my room. My bag is heavier than a hundred-pound barbell. I close the door and lock it behind me. I go to the bathroom and crawl into the bed. I am ancient.
I look at the clock. It has been an eternity since last night when I was thinking the world had turned right side up with Isaiah.
My bones are tired. Aching. It’s taking over, suffocating me. My body is slowly atrophying from every injustice it has suffered. Every grief, crippling. The pleasure from the last two days plays topsy-turvy in my mind, and it doubles me over that I will never see Isaiah again. I’ve lived a thousand deaths and can’t live through another one.
Please, God, don’t let me live through another one.
IT’S MORNING BEFORE I fall asleep. I hear a faint knock on the door and someone saying, “Housekeeping” but I can’t shake the sleep enough to answer the door. They knock a few raps more and then go on their way.
When I wake again, it’s dark outside. I doze back off and it’s morning again the next time I’m awake. I want to go back to sleep and never wake up, but I’m too hungry. My stomach is so empty, it turns over and I think I might be sick. I shower and decide to see if I can still get breakfast from the motel.