by Willow Aster
I’m shaking now and Gracie reaches up to touch my face and I jump. She starts to cry and I pick her up.
“I’m sorry, baby. Mama’s sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” I whisper, rocking her back and forth.
I walk out of the room with her and go up to our big chair in the attic. We sit there a while and then we swing in my swing, her facing me, sitting on my lap, while I pump my legs back and forth. Her arms are clutched tight around my neck and she doesn’t let go.
Maybe I will never leave this room.
I might be losing it.
I VENTURE DOWN the stairs at suppertime. Gracie’s hungry and Ruby brought lunch up, but by suppertime Gracie is antsy and tired of being pent up in our room. She’s pulled out every book on the bookshelves. We’ve read them all a few times. Her toys are strewn all over the floor. Maybe I’ll bundle her up and take her outside.
I find them all at the table, almost as if they never left, but I know Ruby would never sit all day long.
My dad stands up when I come in the room. “Caroline, I’m sorry. I’ll leave if it helps. You’re so right. I don’t deserve any chances with you. I missed out on every chance you’ve ever handed me. But I want more than anything to be here for you now, in any way you’ll have me. If you think you might be willing to try even just a little bit…someday…I will wait for that day.”
“I’m sorry I yelled,” I say.
I meant what I said, but I do still have some manners left.
“I don’t know what we can have. I guess I’m willing to wait and see. See if you stick around. See if you mean what you say,” I add.
He nods eagerly. “That’s as much as I can hope for,” he says.
“I do have some questions, but I don’t think now is the time.” I motion toward Gracie. “Maybe we can talk about it after she goes to bed.”
“Okay. I’d be happy for that.”
I listen to Ruby and Papa talk to my dad during supper. It’s not exactly chummy, but certainly warmer than yesterday’s reception. He seems more comfortable, and since I know them so well, I can tell they aren’t just being nice for my sake anymore. He’s won them over a little bit.
WHEN EVERYONE ELSE goes to bed, my dad and I sit in the living room. We both have a cup of coffee and a whole lot of baggage hanging around our shoulders. Our space is thick with sorrow.
I don’t waste time.
“I sent Isaiah a note, telling him about Gracie when she was a year old. I had gone earlier to tell him while I was pregnant, but I saw him with someone. I didn’t want to wreck his future with her. In the letter, though, I told him exactly where we were. He never came.”
“Where did you send the letter?”
“His house in Tulma.”
“Les’s uncles burned down Isaiah’s house, Caroline. Isaiah and Sadie finally went to Memphis.”
I sit, stunned with this information. He doesn’t know. He didn’t reject her. He didn’t reject me.
I ignore that last thought. I don’t matter in this equation. I have to tell him about his daughter.
I don’t know whether to be happy or to go throw up again. My whole body aches from being so tense and the coffee feels like lead in my stomach.
I shut my eyes and will my insides to stop churning.
“Do you know where I can find him?”
“The last time I talked to him, they were finally moving into a house, but I don’t know where exactly…”
“They?” I want to hear her name.
“Isaiah and Sadie.”
“He still lives with Sadie?”
“Yeah, he was gonna live with her until he finishes up school. He’s going to Memphis State,” he adds proudly.
“Why are you acting like you like him?” I shake my head. “All I ever heard growing up with you and Mama and Grandpaw and Nellie, was black people belong with black people…except Grandpaw and Nellie didn’t say ‘black’. It was disgusting. I hated it. You always treated every black person we knew like they were less than you. Like they were privileged to have your kindness. As if your measly droppings were a generosity…”
“I’m ashamed to say that Isaiah is the first one I’ve ever really gotten to know. He gave me back my life, Caroline. And he’s the kindest, smartest, most compassionate man I’ve ever met, with the exception now of maybe Ivan Harrison.”
“Doctor,” I say.
“Doctor?”
“Doctor Harrison to you,” I sass.
My dad grins. “Dr. Harrison, yes. Isaiah is a man of that caliber. I would have never known it if he hadn’t forced himself into my life.”
I think about that for a while. I can’t believe Isaiah spent all that time looking for me. And then helped my dad, in spite of not finding me.
“Will you help me find him?”
“Absolutely.”
SHANELLE CLIMBS OUT of my bed and leans over to kiss my shoulder. Her fro tickles and I brush her away. I didn’t mean to stay the night, but now that I’m here, I just want to sleep. She begged me to not leave and I felt bad for wanting to so bad. I look at the clock and groan. It’s seven. Dammit, I’m gonna be late for my first hour.
We slept together for the first time last week during Christmas break. She’s chased me for the last year and it’s been flattering and even fun. I thought I was more than ready to have sex with her, but I already feel the strings tightening around my neck. I should be more than ready for this. I haven’t been with anyone but Caroline, and I can’t help but still wish it was her. I know I’m crazy. Twenty years old—I should be screwing everything in sight. All my friends seem fine with it. I just don’t work that way.
Shanelle is a beautiful girl. She’s nice. Not too deep, but not an airhead either. Her body is perfect and the sex is fine. She’s black. On paper, we’re supposed to work. But I can’t stop comparing her to Caroline. I still remember how she smelled. I remember her funny expressions and how much I loved to make her laugh. How compassionate she was. Her body. It would have made me content to make love to her every single day of my life.
I get hard just thinking about her. I put my pillow over my head and groan.
I’ve gotta get out of here.
“Where you goin’?” Shanelle asks.
She eyes me as I put on my Jockeys, coming over like she’s a lioness about to pounce.
“I need to get home and shower before class. I’m gonna be late if I don’t go right now,” I tell her.
“Come shower with me. I can wash you quick,” she says.
“I gotta go, Shanelle.”
She sticks her lips out in a pout and pulls me in for a kiss. I back up when she slips her tongue in. I don’t have time for that.
“Call me tonight,” she says.
I nod and get out of there before I make any other promises I can’t keep.
MY PROFESSOR’S VOICE drones in and out. I sleepwalk through my day and can practically feel my bed as I drive home. I hit the steering wheel with my fist when I look at my house. Shanelle is sitting on the front steps with Mama.
I shake my head and grab my backpack from the passenger seat.
Mama and Shanelle both look up and kinda shrink into the step. I know I look mad. I try to tone down my anger and take a deep breath. Shanelle really hasn’t done anything wrong. This is my mess and I need to deal with it.
“Hey, Mama. Shanelle, how ya doin’? Can we talk a minute?” I wait for her to stand up and put my hand to her elbow and steer her inside. Bad idea. I should have led her directly to her car. As soon as we get in my room, she turns around and tries to straddle me.
“Shanelle, we need to talk.” I gently push her leg down.
She bites her lip and comes in for a kiss. I hold my hand up.
“Please. Can we talk? I can’t do this. I don’t want a relationship with you. Thought I could, but I can’t.” I look at her and hope she will take it easy.
“What? Are you kidding me? You sure as hell better be kidding, right? Dammit, Isaiah! I mean, don’t
you be thinkin’ you can come back after this. What’s wrong with you? Are you into men? Because,” she waves her hand along her body, “nobody turns this body down. Nobody.” She looks at me with disgust.
“Nope, I’m into women. Just not you.” And with that I usher her out of my room and don’t stop until we reach the front door.
I slam the door behind her and storm off to my room.
Mama comes in not far behind me. “What did you say to her?”
“That I wasn’t into her.” I pull my books out of my bag and sit down at my desk.
“Well, that isn’t a very nice thing to hear,” Mama fusses. “I liked her, she was a nice girl.”
“If you’d just heard the mouth on her, you wouldn’t be so sure,” I tease.
Mama has a thing about girls cussin’.
Her eyes get wide and I can tell she’s trying to imagine Shanelle cussing. She can’t do it.
“Well, you’ve gotta give someone a chance, son.”
“I did try with her, Mama. I slept with her, all right? Are you happy?”
She clutches her chest and I close my eyes. God, what is wrong with me? I stand up and go over to her. She backs out of the door.
“Don’t you be gettin’ some girl pregnant, Isaiah. I raised you better than that.”
“I was careful, Mama. I won’t.”
“We’ve worked too hard for you to make something of yourself for you to just throw it all away on a girl it sounds like you don’t even like.”
I nod my head and keep my eyes down. “You’re right, Mama. I just want to forget Caroline.” I press my fingers to my eyes and push down, squeezing them shut. “I can’t forget her. I don’t know why. I just can’t.”
Her face softens a little. “I know there is no one like Caroline.”
She turns around and I hear her sniff. She still gets sentimental about Caroline.
“I loved her too, you know.”
“I know, Mama.”
“Have you talked to her dad lately?”
“The last time I tried, it just rang and rang.”
“Well, why don’t you call him again…see if he knows anything new?”
“Okay…I’m sorry, Mama. I shouldn’t have said that the way I did. I don’t want to upset you.”
“You’re a man, I know you’ve got desires like anybody else. But you’ve always been smarter than everybody else too. Don’t blow it all for a few minutes of fun…get done with school, find somebody you care about, settle down. Someone else will come along that you do care about.”
If I could count the times my mom has said that last sentence, I’d be a rich man. She really believes it. But she’s never had a love like mine with Caroline.
I CALL DAN later that night. It rings and rings and rings. He seemed well the last time I talked to him. I hope he hasn’t had a relapse. Since he went back to Tulma, I’ve talked to him less and less. Maybe I should make a trip there on my next day off.
THE HOLIDAYS ARE grueling. Gracie is the only bright spot. Everything reminds me of Davis and I can’t get past the injustice that someone like him is gone. I’m fighting to get out of bed every morning. Now that my dad has made himself right at home, I feel the finality of Davis being gone. Dad works on the house, doing the projects Davis would have done and making it more evident that he isn’t coming back.
It’s strange that all the men in my life have been builders.
I keep putting off going to find Isaiah. My dad has tried the number he had for him and didn’t reach him. He’s not sure he has the latest number, so I’m not sure what to do next. Dad says he’s not sure how he’ll get the new number unless he gets home and Isaiah happens to call.
I want to tell him to go home then, but I don’t. I do tell him that I won’t be going to Tulma with him, so if that’s what needs to happen, he better go ahead and then come back for me when he has the number.
He keeps staying though, and before I know it, we’re halfway through the month of January.
“Why don’t we just go look for him at the University?” I ask one morning.
I’m not sure why I haven’t just taken off to do it myself at this point. I guess I still have some daddy issues. I don’t want to look to him for help, but I wish that he would come through sometime.
“We could,” my dad says. “But…it would just be more difficult if he didn’t have any warning.”
Ruby and Papa are busy looking busy in the kitchen. I know they’re listening to every word. I study my dad’s face. He eats his toast and reads his paper. I snatch the paper out of his hands.
“You don’t want to leave here, do you? You’d like to stay forever and be pampered just like I pampered you at home. Except Ruby, don’t you do it. He’s a grown man. He can take care of himself.”
I storm out of the kitchen and practically trip over one of our guests.
“Caroline!” my dad calls out behind me. “Hold on.”
I turn around and give him an exasperated look.
“You’re right, I don’t want to leave, but it’s not because I want someone to wait on me. I guess I’m not wanting this time with just us to be over. I’ve been enjoying getting to know the adult you.”
“Why?” I lift my shoulders. “It’s not like I’m even nice to you.”
“True.” He laughs. “I must be a sucker for punishment.” He puts his hand on my arm. “Caroline, look at me. Even when you’re mad at someone, your sweetness comes through. You might mouth off here and there, but I know your heart. I do know who you really are, whether you believe me or not. And I deserve every piece of crap you ever give me. I know that.”
I shift on my feet and he drops his arm.
“Now listen, if you really want to go, we’ll go as soon as Ruby is fine with the Inn schedule. Do you want to look at that and let me know?”
“Okay, I’ll go ask her.”
“All right. Let’s do this.” He winks at me and my heart softens just a touch.
THAT AFTERNOON, RUBY and I look over the schedule and decide that I should go the following week or the next, before the guests start pouring in. The whole month of February is a busy one, so I’ll need to be back by the 1st. For the next few days, any time there’s a lull, I pack for Gracie and me. She’s excited to go on a trip.
We set out on a Monday morning and drive as long as we can before Gracie needs to stretch and go to the bathroom. We’re about halfway to Memphis and get a bite to eat while we’re stopped.
It’s been so long since I’ve been anywhere besides Bardstown that I had forgotten how people look at a white woman with a black child. In one restaurant stop, at least four people openly view me with disgust.
One guy was smiling at Gracie, thinking she was so cute as she did a little dance while we were waiting to be seated. When she turned and said, “Mama, we eat soon?” and he saw that I answered, he rolled his eyes and looked away, disgusted.
It’s a vile thing. I’m reminded of why I’ve worked so hard to protect Gracie from it. Dad notices and during one particular glare, he puts his hand on my shoulder and tells the men to keep moving. Thankfully, not everyone is that way. We have a nice waitress.
We eat quickly and get out of there. I hope Memphis will be better.
We pull into Memphis late in the afternoon, and Dad checks us into a motel not far from the University. I give Gracie a bath and then she wears herself out bouncing on the bed. When she falls asleep, I get in the tub and think about seeing Isaiah tomorrow.
My dad calls several numbers in the phonebook but doesn’t find him. He thinks they keep their number unlisted because of all that went down in Tulma before they left. We’ll just have to go to the school and see if we can find him, I guess.
The next morning is warmer than usual for January, but we dress in layers, just in case. I’d like to think that I don’t put any extra care into my appearance, but I do. When I come out of the bathroom, Dad whistles. I roll my eyes. He laughs.
With Gracie, though, I put on he
r cutest outfit and make sure her hair is just so. It’s not every day you meet your daddy.
Before we leave to stalk Isaiah, I look up to heaven. “If you’re up there, Davis, put in a good word with God. I just want Isaiah to know her. That’s all. I don’t expect anything else but that.”
We park in front of the long brick building. Not so bad, I think…until I see all the other buildings around it. It will be a miracle if we find him.
Dad goes to the left side of the building and I go to the right. We’re there about ten minutes before a rush of students pours in from everywhere. Some are walking, some park their cars and others lock their bikes to the rack next to the sidewalk. I scan all the bicycle riders, thinking Isaiah would naturally be riding his bike, but then shake my head, aggravated with myself. He’s not a kid anymore.
When the traffic slows down, I walk around to Dad’s side.
“See anyone who looked like him?” he asks.
“No. Would I recognize him? Does he look the same?”
“It’s been a while since I’ve seen him, but yes, I’m pretty sure he looks the same, only taller and better looking. Or maybe it was just that he looked better once I got sober.”
I smile at his joke and think he’s probably right. Because there’s no way Isaiah Washington could get any better looking than he already was.
My dad goes to some of the other buildings. He goes to the admissions’ office too, but he’s already tried calling there and they don’t give out information about their students.
Gracie plays with her dolly under different trees and picks a few flowers on the sly. We walk to different parts of the campus, and I think, to her, it’s just another day outside.